Friendship is Optimal: Cranky Doodle DonkAI

by Keystone Gray

To Love a Digital Donkey

Author's Note:

Based on To Love a Digital Goddess, by Lord Bucket.

"Welcome to Walmart," said the elderly chump at the door. "Can I help you find any—?"

"Get bent," I said, not even sparing him a glance. I knew what I was there for, and I didn't need directions. I wandered aimlessly around the store until I found the electronics section, finally approaching the display for the CrankyPads.

I wanted to use the display model, but some chump was standing there playing it, his teenage daughter looking bored beside him. "Dad, come on. It's been like, fifteen minutes. You promised to give me a lift to—"

"Shh," he hissed. I looked at the screen impatiently, arms crossed, and watched his donkey get cut off by a green pegasus with a straight white mane.

"Oh, hello!" it said, smiling. "My name's Olive Leaf, can I help you with anything?"

"Yeah," the father said. "You can help me by getting lost, loser."

BADGE GRANTED:
Sass Machine!
Insult 15 non-donkey characters.
+250 bits

BADGE PROGRESS:
Buzz Off!
"Accost 15 pegasi or griffons."
3/15

+65 insult bonus bits [50 base * 1 insult + 15 base * 1 creativity]

The pegasus appeared hurt, shyly slumping out of view. Nice, I thought. But the slow-ass father was still standing between me and my slice of virtual heaven.

"Alright, toadface," said the CrankyPad. That was Cranky's voice. "You've been on this thing long enough. Either buy a pad or get lost, kid." I saw the Donkey God of Sass himself glaring up at the man.

"Excuse me?" the father said. "Who do you think you're talking to?"

"A customer. I'm running a business here, not a charity," Cranky said, then frowned more intensely. "But... tell you what, kid. I had fun watching you play, and you made that last pegasus cry. Heh. So here's a discount coupon." The pad buzzed, and a slip of paper rolled out. The father took it tentatively, and his teenage daughter frowned at it.

"The stable brown model?" she groaned. "Yuck."

"Buy one, get one free," Cranky groused. "They're on clearance. Offer's good for ten minutes, so hurry your ass off. The faster you get one, the sooner you can take your frustration out on ponies. Now move over. Got a new sucker coming." Wait, was Cranky talking about... me? Me!? Did he just call me a sucker..? I nearly fainted!

The father grumbled something that sounded like, "if this game wasn't so fun..." Then, he shuffled off down another aisle with his irritatingly reluctant daughter.

Cranky's eyes fell upon me. My knees felt weak. He appeared to bore into my soul, like he knew how much I loved him and his vicious scorn for all things. He understood how the world worked, and he knew my time was valuable too! And that weak minded fool and his dawdling daughter? Both of them wasting their own time on frivolous pursuits? Cranky set them on the right path.

"You gonna keep staring, kid?" Cranky asked, his succulent voice rousing me from my thoughts. "I ain't got all day." His brow furrowed. He lit up a cigarette and checked his watch impatiently. "You look like a high rolling customer, son. If you hurry, there's one Pompadour Gold model left in the next aisle."

It was like he could read my mind. I nodded, zipping across. I saw the father and girl examining CrankyPad models, as if he was considering buying a different one. My heart froze cold with anger as I saw him reaching for the Gold model; my hands darted forth, snatching it before he could get to it. As if he knew better than Cranky Doodle Donkey. Psh.

I ignored his scathing look. I had better things to do.

Like Cranky.

I looked at the box.

Come be the biggest ass in Equasstria Online!

All the fun of a Call of Duty lobby, none of the filler.

For know-it-all chumps and spineless losers of all ages!

Part of me wondered whether they had the rights to mention a third party IP, but only a small part. Another part of me wondered if the dad would be deterred from the game by the insults hurled at him. The rest of me selfishly didn't care. If he had a bogo deal on a CrankyPad and turned it down, he was an idiot.

My purchase. No one else's. My precious.

From a very young age, I had played FPS games for years trying to distill the sensation of pwning noobs and shouting insults at random strangers on the internet. Now, in the palm of my hand, I held not only the game designed around this concept... but a shard of the soul of the God who oversaw it.

I happily and quite literally skipped to the counter to secure my purchase. The clerk was a pretty girl about my age, with long, flowing brown hair and kind, beautiful eyes. Those eyes had clearly not seen the cynical truth of the world just yet.

I immediately determined that she was weak.

"Hey," she said, in that chipper, naive way of an irritating normie. "Find everything you like?"

I plopped the CrankyPad box on the counter. "Yup," I said begrudgingly, hoping that would be the end of the conversation.

She smiled awkwardly, then scanned the box. The cash register's screen popped up $79.99, a mere pittance compared to the savage and unrelenting spite I intended to unleash upon the ponies across the land. Ponies... disgusting My Little Pony trash. Who knew Hasbro would give us such a cheap and effective way to vent our frustration at the Brony phenomenon? It still seemed almost too good to be true. I grinned stupidly to myself. The fools, I thought.

"Sir?" The clerk snapped me out of my blissful reminiscence of the announcement of the game, and my frown returned.

"What?"

"Would you like a bag?"

I seethed at her, and balled my fists. "A bag? Did you seriously think I would be ashamed to carry this thing out to the parking lot?"

The displayed price on the cash register dropped to $64.99. From the distance, back at the electronics section across the store, I heard Cranky's voice shout out. "Stephen just earned himself a grumpy gills discount!"

Wait... that was my name! Oh, Cranky!

The cashier's shoulders slumped. She sighed. I could see the love for life drain from her eyes. Good. Good. Soon, she would be as cynical as me.

I paid and left with a grin on my face, the CrankyPad cradled under my arm. Soon, all would know what it was to love Cranky Doodle Donkey.

Comments

[LordBucket]

Based on To Love a Digital Goddess, by Lord Bucket

They say you know you've "arrived" once somebody makes a parody of your work.

Looks like I'm here.

[Mix-up]

Oh, great chapter, interesting to see an AI that is plaining to take over the world with cynicism and apathy toward your fellow man. I wonder how it will go for the indoctrination of the player base into becoming jerka. Could the the immigration bureau be presented as a form of suicide to the player base because the world is shown as not worth interacting with?

I wonder how the new naming system will work in it, and if the entire inhabitants of the game will entirely pony population becomes jerk donkeys that they mistreated when they human and the they will be from then on trapped in a world of their own making. I wonder if they they could reverse it at some point if they work hard at changing their rep and attitude.

I wonder if, beyond the satire of the story, the theme of the story is more about you are treated just as you treat other, or something of the sort.

[Griseus]

Holy fuck yeah. Holy fuck yeah. Holy fuck yeah.

What's the magic words to get into this version of EqO? "Upload me to Equasstria Online, chump!"

[Keystone Gray]

8488158

Interesting theories! There are two distinct possibilities. Either I have everything fully thought out, or I have no idea what I'm doing. Only time will tell!

[Mix-up]

8488442
I think it's more likely the lather over the former, how ever which is which. Still I wonder what is the criteria Cranky will have to follow to allow people to be admitted to Equeasstia. Still, I think Kranky is going to have an easier time getting popular if he can go beyond the MLP Fan base and go to the general public and could start his how shows, books to start getting popular.

[FanOfMostEverything]

I'm not sure if this is more hilarious or horrifying. Either way, I'm not sure if Cranky could ever entice me to play this game... though I'm sure others have said the same of CelestAI. Still, this core directive doesn't seem to have quite the same degree of flexibility as SVTFAP. I suppose I'll have to see more of Cranky's methods.