And amazing start to what should be a great story.
Poor Diamond, stuck with Sol parents, given a twisted view of things, stuck thinking that he's wrong, evil, broken.... He really needs hugs, lots and lots of hugs!
The stallion unslotted the bookmark, placing it on the small coffee table as he re-read the last few lines to get reacquainted with his position in the story. Bitter Root was just about to take Chrysanthemum down into his private chambers below the castle, fully expecting the revelation to end their still budding relationship on the spot. But it didn’t.
Ih find this hilarious because one of my own OCs is named Chrysanthemum, and he's a Lunar Guard Marine. XD
Well, was seeing some hype for this story and decided to read and drop some feedback on here.
And I have to say... I found this to be really difficult to read. Individual scenes seem to bleed into one another and phase out so quickly without notice or a line break. And there wasn't really much to offer in those scenes to really get hooked to the narrative. Like, an example, I was reading about Double speaking to a therapist, only for a paragraph or two to go to a flash back about Party Favor. Which then flash forward(?) to the plane ride. And I'm even pondering if the therapist scene was also a flashback. It also doesn't help that within those individual scenes, with as much "tell" that there was, I was still left feeling like a lot of what Double is going through isn't being explored enough.
In a nutshell, all of that made this story boring to read but serviceable at best.
8449101 This is a slow burn fic, so exactly what Diamond's going through is going to be explored in much more depth later. Otherwise, is there anything you'd suggest for me to improve?
8449101 Like he said, this is just the first chapter of a long, very slow burn fic, so not exploring the issues.... that's what the entire story is about, give it time.
The way things kind of blend together, is also a rather decent point to the narrative, as this is Diamond's thoughts, and he is just that messed up and that lost. Even his inner monologues and flashbacks jumble together on a kind of rabbit trail/free association as he tries to make sense of himself.
Is it basically just giving the reader the exposition needed to understand what is going on and set up the story? Yeah. But done in away that is perfectly in character and works for also establishing aspects of him, it is a lot of tell, but how it's being told also does a lot to show us these aspects of Diamond.
Lxion this story was 10/10 and I just love how it showed how some households will think that beeing gay is something wrong when it can be completely natural can't wait to read the rest
And amazing start to what should be a great story.
Poor Diamond, stuck with Sol parents, given a twisted view of things, stuck thinking that he's wrong, evil, broken.... He really needs hugs, lots and lots of hugs!
It's live! It's finally live! :hear:
Totally lived up to its hype and is amazing ;3 Can't wait to read more~
Oh man, finally! I've been so curious about the other Clocktower and this seems so cute and sweet and wow I want to see what happens to these two!
Ih find this hilarious because one of my own OCs is named Chrysanthemum, and he's a Lunar Guard Marine. XD
Kinky hugs are best hugs - gonna read this tonight and I'm sure I'll enjoy it immensely!
Well, was seeing some hype for this story and decided to read and drop some feedback on here.
And I have to say... I found this to be really difficult to read. Individual scenes seem to bleed into one another and phase out so quickly without notice or a line break. And there wasn't really much to offer in those scenes to really get hooked to the narrative. Like, an example, I was reading about Double speaking to a therapist, only for a paragraph or two to go to a flash back about Party Favor. Which then flash forward(?) to the plane ride. And I'm even pondering if the therapist scene was also a flashback. It also doesn't help that within those individual scenes, with as much "tell" that there was, I was still left feeling like a lot of what Double is going through isn't being explored enough.
In a nutshell, all of that made this story boring to read but serviceable at best.
8449101
This is a slow burn fic, so exactly what Diamond's going through is going to be explored in much more depth later. Otherwise, is there anything you'd suggest for me to improve?
8449101 Like he said, this is just the first chapter of a long, very slow burn fic, so not exploring the issues.... that's what the entire story is about, give it time.
The way things kind of blend together, is also a rather decent point to the narrative, as this is Diamond's thoughts, and he is just that messed up and that lost. Even his inner monologues and flashbacks jumble together on a kind of rabbit trail/free association as he tries to make sense of himself.
Is it basically just giving the reader the exposition needed to understand what is going on and set up the story? Yeah. But done in away that is perfectly in character and works for also establishing aspects of him, it is a lot of tell, but how it's being told also does a lot to show us these aspects of Diamond.
Yay!
*Comes even though Kiri said not to* Whoa, colt-cuddling. My favorite
Gay ponies are fun~ let's see where this goes~
Lxion this story was 10/10 and I just love how it showed how some households will think that beeing gay is something wrong when it can be completely natural can't wait to read the rest
Woohoo! Gotta get my gay shipping fix. <3
Heh heh, "Dockview Cafe"...
8452572
I honestly wish I could say I was clever enough for that to be intentional
A well written story, though I felt like this chapter was going through a bit of static before it cleared up
this is a good start to an enjoyable read, I like your style of writing. I can't wait for the next chapters.
Good so far. Can't wait to read more!