• Published 2nd Nov 2017
  • 550 Views, 15 Comments

Written Off - Sharp Spark

Sixteen minifics that include absurdity, sweetness, darkness, and also absurdity. Also, Applejack invents the Matrix.

  • ...

Discord Channels the Wisdom of the Sages

"DISCORD THE ORACLE," the sign nailed up above Fluttershy's cottage read.

Twilight groaned. All she wanted was to find Spike for a nice day of paperwork filing. But he had disappeared that morning, and when she went into Ponyville to find him, she ran right into a queue of ponies winding all the way to Fluttershy's door.

Inside, the cottage was dark and smoky with incense. A jar near the door had a sign labeled "TIPS IN GEMS APPRECIATED" on it. Twilight slunk into the shadows, frowning as she watched.

"...and that's my problem," Mrs. Cake finished.

Discord didn't move. He stared forward into a crystal ball.

"Why are all of my foods so labor intensive?"

Mrs. Cake gasped. "You're right! We spend too much time baking complicated treats, and then run out by mid-morning. We should do more simple fare, such as cookies and muffins. Oh, thank you!"

She trotted away, only to have A.K. Yearling take her place.

"My next book sucks," she said flatly. "What do I do?"

Discord stared.

"I'm a bad writer. Someone slam a door on my fingers."

A.K. blinked. "You mean... I'm being too hard on myself?" She winced. "I suppose you're right. I am my own worst critic."

Colgate was after her. "How do I convince ponies to pay more attention to dental hygiene?" she said.

"Having impacted wisdom teeth is the worst. But I guess it could
be worse. My best friend had five wisdom teeth, all impacted."

Colgate's eyes grew starry. "Yes. That is the worst. That gives me an idea for an advertising campaign..."

As soon as she had left, Pinkie Pie was there.

"Why am I here?" Pinkie wondered aloud.

"Someone hug me."

"Of course!" Pinkie chirped, launching herself over. She sproinged out of the cottage.

Scootaloo was next. "I want to be totally radical and extreme, but am worried that doing so will alienate me from my peers and/or get me in trouble with authority figures. How do I rebel against society while also conforming to its standards, without fear of the dangers that true individuality brings?"

"Hot topic."

"That store at the Ponyville Mall? Awesome!"

Twilight stared as more and more ponies filed through seeking advice.

Mr. Waddle.

"It’s a medicine to treat worm infections"

He blushed a little and wandered off.

Doctor Hooves.

"You need to compute infinite derivatives."

His eyes lit up and he left smiling.


"Please take comfort. It’s not so bad once you accept it and start
sinking into the pleasant hollow of your personal madness."

Her eyes spun in slow circles and she left, smiling.

Cranky Doodle Donkey.

"That sounds borderline racist"

He nodded vigorously. "That's just what I said!"

Diamond Tiara.

"Blood pact. Next question."

"Okay, that's enough!" Twilight cried, leaping out. "Just what's your game, Discord?"

Discord stared into his crystal ball.

"I always thought you were an egghead."

Twilight's mouth fell open. "Excuse me?"

"I didn't realize the worst part of drug use would be the ads wormed into yur brain."

Twilight took a deep breath, then let it out. "No, you're just trying to get to me. You always try to throw me off with something insane. Not gonna work this time. You know what I want?"

"A cheeseburger with bacon, mushrooms, and jalapeno peppers. With fires. Fries."

"Exactly." Twilight's mouth watered. "I mean no! I want an explanation!"

"Critics are just out of touch with our emoji-based
communication. They use typewriters or something."


"When my TI-84+SE from over a decade ago finally died I replaced it with an -89Ti. I kind of want to tinker with it."

Twilight marched forward, intending to shake Discord until he made sense. That's when she realized that she was talking to a cardboard cut-out.

"Dubscon is a scam and William Antonelli is a fraud."

"Discord!" she yelled, loud enough that everyone in Ponyville had to have heard.

With a poof, Discord appeared, sitting in a tub and covered with soap bubbles. "How rude! I was in the middle of something." He pointed over at the cut-out. "I left my answering machine on, couldn't you just leave a message?"

"Petition to rename Discord to "Dicksword." In all situations where the word is used."

He hastily snapped his fingers. "On second thought, let me turn that off."

"But... Then who set all this up? Who—"

Twilight whirled around, just in time to see a purple tail disappearing out the cottage's front door. The tip jar had also vanished.


Author's Note:

Final Ranking: 19/57

Here's a joke that will be lost on most fimfic readers... All of the strange things Discord says are lines taken verbatim from the Writeoff Discord channel. Trust me, it's funny because of that.

One minor change and reformatting from Writeoff version.

Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!