Mixed review here. The story itself is very well written, although there are a few minor typos in it. Normally I would quote those sentences here, so you could correct them.
This is well written and I loved the discovery and anthropology / archeology parts of the story. They are fun to read as the characters try to work out what human appliances do.
HOWEVER, (You knew one was coming.) You write very much like Steven King. Very long winded. You could tear the unimportant sections of a SK novel out and you would have a book 1/3 its original size. Kings books are full of scenes like this: A man brushing his teeth in his bathroom stares into the mirror and notices the handle of his toothbrush. Thus begins a flashback showing himself as a young boy standing in a store isle pondering on what color toothbrush to choose. Unnecessary to the plot. Billions of people love his books, so who am I to talk.
This story is very similar, I found myself scrolling/fast forwarding through pages looking for the point where it gets back on track. I found myself doing that quite often.
Again, don't get me wrong, its a good story, I just think your excessively wordy
Thanks for the critique. That's really interesting that you make the comparison to Stephen King, and I'm flattered. I mention it being interesting because I've tried on several occasions to enjoy his work, and although on each attempt I can tell his writing is very well done, I just can't get immersed in it. And for almost the same reasons you put forth about my writing.
Generally, I try to keep the pace of my writing parallel with how long a mental image of the scene takes to view, so to speak. Long, flowery prose I attempt to hold back from scenes of dialogue, because I want the reader to be able to 'hear' the conversation naturally; that is, without long breaks between lines. Just as well, I think that running a lot of dialogue together without pause is best reserved for scenes of wit, or high emotion. This part in particular I've struggled with in the past. I personally think the original Surge reads more like a script, than an actual novel.
Suffice it to say, scenes dragging on for too long is not a criticism I expected to hear of my writing. Which is good; I may have oversteered a bit to fix the short, lifeless prose of my old stories, and could now be facing the opposite problem. In any case, I'm glad you've pointed this out, and I hope you stick around to see where the story ends up.
Oh and by the way, like I mentioned in the notes on chapter two, the only editing that's happening is me just re-reading the chapter when I'm finished with it. I apologize for the pile of typos that are likely left because of that, and wouldn't mind at all getting grilled about it in the comments; so long as it means they get fixed.
8909011 I think so. I know that last chapter especially I really dragged my feet on, but--to my credit, Resurgence is already longer than the original story it's based on.
I've noticed that for whatever reason, whenever you're writing Cave's segments, you seem to use the term 'man' a lot. I can't help but feel between that, and his father's name and career in the railways, that he's probably largely connected to humans, if not somehow being a human-turned-Diamond-Dog himself. That, and he definitely doesn't show much interest in either gems as normal Dogs were. Of course, it could just be that your headcanon of Equestria has Diamond Dogs a lot more involved in Equestrian society and industry than the show itself has.
Senator Peach seems...very enthusiastic about the technology. I'm beginning to wonder who the unicorn was who offered Cave blueprints from last chapter was, and if he's related to one of the councilmembers or just someone on the team Twilight was talking about that was put together for investigating the Vault.
9433023 This is just a fuck-up on my behalf. I used the expression 'man' a lot during his segments because I was looking for a word to replace 'stallion'. My justification at the time was that ponies still occasionally use human slang, and 'man' could've just been a lingering vestige of our language. But after seeing your confusion, I actually went back and replaced all instances of the term lol. Maybe not a clean fix, but it really was never meant to mean anything. Since then, I think I've used the word 'mare' a few times as an evolution of 'man'—like, someone saying "What the hell, mare?". As for the diamond dogs on the show, yeah, that was just me getting carried away with lore. I didn't like the idea of any species being super one-note like that, and to be fair: the ones we saw in the show may have just been a really bad bunch to represent their species. Honestly, they just got fucked over in FiM. Probably part of the reason why I wanted to highlight a creature like that.
The Retriever? He was basically just a mole that worked inside Canterlot. Way I saw him, he wasn't really on anyone's side but his own, and would sell anything to anyone. Well—except to Cave after he found out he was a murderer, apparently. So I guess he did have some kind of moral compass, at least.
Mixed review here. The story itself is very well written, although there are a few minor typos in it. Normally I would quote those sentences here, so you could correct them.
This is well written and I loved the discovery and anthropology / archeology parts of the story. They are fun to read as the characters try to work out what human appliances do.
HOWEVER, (You knew one was coming.) You write very much like Steven King. Very long winded. You could tear the unimportant sections of a SK novel out and you would have a book 1/3 its original size. Kings books are full of scenes like this: A man brushing his teeth in his bathroom stares into the mirror and notices the handle of his toothbrush. Thus begins a flashback showing himself as a young boy standing in a store isle pondering on what color toothbrush to choose. Unnecessary to the plot. Billions of people love his books, so who am I to talk.
This story is very similar, I found myself scrolling/fast forwarding through pages looking for the point where it gets back on track. I found myself doing that quite often.
Again, don't get me wrong, its a good story, I just think your excessively wordy
The Monk
8897438
Thanks for the critique. That's really interesting that you make the comparison to Stephen King, and I'm flattered. I mention it being interesting because I've tried on several occasions to enjoy his work, and although on each attempt I can tell his writing is very well done, I just can't get immersed in it. And for almost the same reasons you put forth about my writing.
Generally, I try to keep the pace of my writing parallel with how long a mental image of the scene takes to view, so to speak. Long, flowery prose I attempt to hold back from scenes of dialogue, because I want the reader to be able to 'hear' the conversation naturally; that is, without long breaks between lines. Just as well, I think that running a lot of dialogue together without pause is best reserved for scenes of wit, or high emotion. This part in particular I've struggled with in the past. I personally think the original Surge reads more like a script, than an actual novel.
Suffice it to say, scenes dragging on for too long is not a criticism I expected to hear of my writing. Which is good; I may have oversteered a bit to fix the short, lifeless prose of my old stories, and could now be facing the opposite problem. In any case, I'm glad you've pointed this out, and I hope you stick around to see where the story ends up.
Oh and by the way, like I mentioned in the notes on chapter two, the only editing that's happening is me just re-reading the chapter when I'm finished with it. I apologize for the pile of typos that are likely left because of that, and wouldn't mind at all getting grilled about it in the comments; so long as it means they get fixed.
...You're going to finish this story, right?
8909011
I think so. I know that last chapter especially I really dragged my feet on, but--to my credit, Resurgence is already longer than the original story it's based on.
I've noticed that for whatever reason, whenever you're writing Cave's segments, you seem to use the term 'man' a lot. I can't help but feel between that, and his father's name and career in the railways, that he's probably largely connected to humans, if not somehow being a human-turned-Diamond-Dog himself. That, and he definitely doesn't show much interest in either gems as normal Dogs were. Of course, it could just be that your headcanon of Equestria has Diamond Dogs a lot more involved in Equestrian society and industry than the show itself has.
Senator Peach seems...very enthusiastic about the technology. I'm beginning to wonder who the unicorn was who offered Cave blueprints from last chapter was, and if he's related to one of the councilmembers or just someone on the team Twilight was talking about that was put together for investigating the Vault.
9433023
what if he was raised by a human turned diamond dog?
9433023
This is just a fuck-up on my behalf. I used the expression 'man' a lot during his segments because I was looking for a word to replace 'stallion'. My justification at the time was that ponies still occasionally use human slang, and 'man' could've just been a lingering vestige of our language. But after seeing your confusion, I actually went back and replaced all instances of the term lol. Maybe not a clean fix, but it really was never meant to mean anything. Since then, I think I've used the word 'mare' a few times as an evolution of 'man'—like, someone saying "What the hell, mare?". As for the diamond dogs on the show, yeah, that was just me getting carried away with lore. I didn't like the idea of any species being super one-note like that, and to be fair: the ones we saw in the show may have just been a really bad bunch to represent their species. Honestly, they just got fucked over in FiM. Probably part of the reason why I wanted to highlight a creature like that.
The Retriever? He was basically just a mole that worked inside Canterlot. Way I saw him, he wasn't really on anyone's side but his own, and would sell anything to anyone. Well—except to Cave after he found out he was a murderer, apparently. So I guess he did have some kind of moral compass, at least.