Dusk Shine exists to be better than Twilight. He's more powerful, more charming, he even gets important ideas that would normally go to her, he even reads more than her. Twilight doesn't have a presence in this story because Dusk Shine is hogging the spotlight. And Dusk Shine is too much of an overpowered wish-fulfilment vehicle to be enjoyable.
Heck, you gave him an Alicorn Form that's taller than Celestia! You went out of your way to make sure we all know Dusk is a foot taller than Celestia because!
Thing is, there's no need for that. He doesn't have to be so powerful that the readers feel repulsed by him. Especially since all that power and knowledge is only really used to one-up Twilight. He doesn't need an Alicorn Form either. When has that impacted the story in any meaningful way? The only instance it was ever important was to grow his dick just now when he shtupped Fluttershy. And he wouldn't need to be an Alicorn for that, he could just use a spell.
My advice: Work on your pacing and construction. You're rushing through most scenes. Take your time. Explore them. Let us see what you pictured inside your head. We want to see it, that's why we're on this site. Also, stay consistent. You have been going with a first person narrative so far, but then you suddenly tell us what's inside Rarity's head when she fantasises about Blueblood. Dusk wouldn't know that. He's not Sunset Shimmer who can look through memories.
Secondly, reconsider your protagonist. A twin for Twilight? Okay, interesting! He's basically just her but "better"? Not so interesting. Give him a reason to exist other than to be super-powerful, smart, handsome, strong, genius sex-god that really makes one wonder why Twilight didn't develop a raging inferiority complex by now. Cut the Alicorn thing. He doesn't need it and it cheapens what could come later, if Twiligth and/or Dusk Shine ascend properly. It looks like it's there just to make him extra-special and awesome. In fact, don't jump at every opportunity to show how awesome-special your OC is. That even goes to smaller details like Rainbow only allowing him to give her a pet name or Applejack saying he's the only stallion not looking at them like sex objects (which he is, ironically, fantasising about having sex with all of them and staring at her boobs like a creep!). The more you try to bludgeon us over the head with how much we're supposed to think he's so great, the more we're pushed to resent him. Scale it back.
Addendum: In fact, the chapter with Fluttershy suggests he has all their talents in addition to what I assume is him being their master later. Esentially, he's six times more special than literally everypony else including Celestia and Luna. That's just too much.
Thirdly, Give Twilight a reason to exist. She's just hanging on right now. She's like Spike/Barb, only worse because she's supposed to be important. Let her be the magically gifted one compared to him. Or let her be the outgoing one while he's spent so much time studying, in contrast with Twilight growing up with a twin to compete with. Or show her resenting how he's the best at everything. Something.
These are meant to be friendly suggestions. In no way did I intend to attack you personally. I... do want to read more, since I have a fetish for maledom and anthro. I also think taking my advice into account will help you with future writing projects. The most important part: Don't be discouraged.
No. Look at another author and try to emulate their style. This is just...terrible, terrible wish-fulfilment. It's Gary-Stu all over the place. It's sickening. The flow, the poise, the structure and the style hurt to read. Sorry darling, do try again! Dusk shine has no redeeming qualities. He's just repulsive and I really don't want to read any more about this overpowered cocktrain dumping its contents into ponies.
! went to see Fluttershy and see how she is doing but on my there some of her critter friends found me. The kept pulling me to the shy mare’s cottage and let me in. I walked around calling her the mare I was looking for, I heard a muffled sound from the kitchen.
What are you even trying to say here? Your redundancy turns me off of this sentence already. This is not arousing. You went to see her to see how shes doing? You couldn't have used 'visit' to make it flow better?
' But on my there?' What? What are you writing? Did you even read this before posting it? I have no idea what you're trying to tell me here. Did you mean 'on your way' there?
'They kept pulling me to the shy mare's cottage and let me in?' Tense problems. This is just...dear sweet Celestia, darling, no. You can do better than this
8394432 Working on it but just having troubles on how it should happen and not making it a 'out of order jigsaw puzzle' (the chaps don't connect and make any sense) Might get chap out in a week or two. Also helping a friend who is the one who did my avatar.
10/03/2017 I have been busy as of late so I have little time to write so it might be while for the next chap.
Okay, there's one glaring issue with your story:
Dusk Shine exists to be better than Twilight. He's more powerful, more charming, he even gets important ideas that would normally go to her, he even reads more than her. Twilight doesn't have a presence in this story because Dusk Shine is hogging the spotlight. And Dusk Shine is too much of an overpowered wish-fulfilment vehicle to be enjoyable.
Heck, you gave him an Alicorn Form that's taller than Celestia! You went out of your way to make sure we all know Dusk is a foot taller than Celestia because!
Thing is, there's no need for that. He doesn't have to be so powerful that the readers feel repulsed by him. Especially since all that power and knowledge is only really used to one-up Twilight. He doesn't need an Alicorn Form either. When has that impacted the story in any meaningful way? The only instance it was ever important was to grow his dick just now when he shtupped Fluttershy. And he wouldn't need to be an Alicorn for that, he could just use a spell.
My advice: Work on your pacing and construction. You're rushing through most scenes. Take your time. Explore them. Let us see what you pictured inside your head. We want to see it, that's why we're on this site. Also, stay consistent. You have been going with a first person narrative so far, but then you suddenly tell us what's inside Rarity's head when she fantasises about Blueblood. Dusk wouldn't know that. He's not Sunset Shimmer who can look through memories.
Secondly, reconsider your protagonist. A twin for Twilight? Okay, interesting! He's basically just her but "better"? Not so interesting. Give him a reason to exist other than to be super-powerful, smart, handsome, strong, genius sex-god that really makes one wonder why Twilight didn't develop a raging inferiority complex by now. Cut the Alicorn thing. He doesn't need it and it cheapens what could come later, if Twiligth and/or Dusk Shine ascend properly. It looks like it's there just to make him extra-special and awesome. In fact, don't jump at every opportunity to show how awesome-special your OC is. That even goes to smaller details like Rainbow only allowing him to give her a pet name or Applejack saying he's the only stallion not looking at them like sex objects (which he is, ironically, fantasising about having sex with all of them and staring at her boobs like a creep!). The more you try to bludgeon us over the head with how much we're supposed to think he's so great, the more we're pushed to resent him. Scale it back.
Addendum: In fact, the chapter with Fluttershy suggests he has all their talents in addition to what I assume is him being their master later. Esentially, he's six times more special than literally everypony else including Celestia and Luna. That's just too much.
Thirdly, Give Twilight a reason to exist. She's just hanging on right now. She's like Spike/Barb, only worse because she's supposed to be important. Let her be the magically gifted one compared to him. Or let her be the outgoing one while he's spent so much time studying, in contrast with Twilight growing up with a twin to compete with. Or show her resenting how he's the best at everything. Something.
These are meant to be friendly suggestions. In no way did I intend to attack you personally. I... do want to read more, since I have a fetish for maledom and anthro. I also think taking my advice into account will help you with future writing projects.
The most important part: Don't be discouraged.
No. Look at another author and try to emulate their style. This is just...terrible, terrible wish-fulfilment. It's Gary-Stu all over the place. It's sickening. The flow, the poise, the structure and the style hurt to read. Sorry darling, do try again! Dusk shine has no redeeming qualities. He's just repulsive and I really don't want to read any more about this overpowered cocktrain dumping its contents into ponies.
What are you even trying to say here? Your redundancy turns me off of this sentence already. This is not arousing. You went to see her to see how shes doing? You couldn't have used 'visit' to make it flow better?
' But on my there?' What? What are you writing? Did you even read this before posting it? I have no idea what you're trying to tell me here. Did you mean 'on your way' there?
'They kept pulling me to the shy mare's cottage and let me in?' Tense problems. This is just...dear sweet Celestia, darling, no. You can do better than this
Please tell me there is more to come??
8394432
Working on it but just having troubles on how it should happen and not making it a 'out of order jigsaw puzzle' (the chaps don't connect and make any sense)
Might get chap out in a week or two.
Also helping a friend who is the one who did my avatar.
10/03/2017
I have been busy as of late so I have little time to write so it might be while for the next chap.