• Member Since 30th Jun, 2017
  • offline last seen Aug 23rd, 2023

King Blizzard


My blood is colder than liguid hydrogen, my skin like ice, I am the King that rules and protect those who live and wander into the cold and frozen continent of Gelida.

Comments ( 32 )

8270400
Sorry🙇
I tried but since I know the story the mistakes I made were kinda over looked but as you can see in the author's note I had asked people to tell me if they found any so I can correct them.

TBB

Spelling and grammar are not the only problem. The real major issue is the entire structure of the story. Sentence structure, paragraph structure, scenes, details, character interactions, pacing, etc. It makes the story comes off rushed, hastily put together, and kind of a chore to read. There's just isn't a good flow to the story while reading it, and I suspect a lot of down votes are going to be from how the story has been written, instead of the story material itself.

As you said, this is your first fic, and the writing style really shows that fact. I take it that you haven't written much, if any, before this story. Sadly, I can't give much advice except to continue writing to gain more experience, and to research on ways to help improve your writing. If possible, find someone who is really good at proofreading, and can give you pointers to help better yourself in storytelling.

Just keep moving forward.

8271394
Thank you
The idea to the chapter or the story itself?

Okay, there's one glaring issue with your story:

Dusk Shine exists to be better than Twilight. He's more powerful, more charming, he even gets important ideas that would normally go to her, he even reads more than her. Twilight doesn't have a presence in this story because Dusk Shine is hogging the spotlight. And Dusk Shine is too much of an overpowered wish-fulfilment vehicle to be enjoyable.

Heck, you gave him an Alicorn Form that's taller than Celestia! You went out of your way to make sure we all know Dusk is a foot taller than Celestia because!

Thing is, there's no need for that. He doesn't have to be so powerful that the readers feel repulsed by him. Especially since all that power and knowledge is only really used to one-up Twilight. He doesn't need an Alicorn Form either. When has that impacted the story in any meaningful way? The only instance it was ever important was to grow his dick just now when he shtupped Fluttershy. And he wouldn't need to be an Alicorn for that, he could just use a spell.

My advice: Work on your pacing and construction. You're rushing through most scenes. Take your time. Explore them. Let us see what you pictured inside your head. We want to see it, that's why we're on this site. Also, stay consistent. You have been going with a first person narrative so far, but then you suddenly tell us what's inside Rarity's head when she fantasises about Blueblood. Dusk wouldn't know that. He's not Sunset Shimmer who can look through memories.

Secondly, reconsider your protagonist. A twin for Twilight? Okay, interesting! He's basically just her but "better"? Not so interesting. Give him a reason to exist other than to be super-powerful, smart, handsome, strong, genius sex-god that really makes one wonder why Twilight didn't develop a raging inferiority complex by now. Cut the Alicorn thing. He doesn't need it and it cheapens what could come later, if Twiligth and/or Dusk Shine ascend properly. It looks like it's there just to make him extra-special and awesome. In fact, don't jump at every opportunity to show how awesome-special your OC is. That even goes to smaller details like Rainbow only allowing him to give her a pet name or Applejack saying he's the only stallion not looking at them like sex objects (which he is, ironically, fantasising about having sex with all of them and staring at her boobs like a creep!). The more you try to bludgeon us over the head with how much we're supposed to think he's so great, the more we're pushed to resent him. Scale it back.

Addendum: In fact, the chapter with Fluttershy suggests he has all their talents in addition to what I assume is him being their master later. Esentially, he's six times more special than literally everypony else including Celestia and Luna. That's just too much.

Thirdly, Give Twilight a reason to exist. She's just hanging on right now. She's like Spike/Barb, only worse because she's supposed to be important. Let her be the magically gifted one compared to him. Or let her be the outgoing one while he's spent so much time studying, in contrast with Twilight growing up with a twin to compete with. Or show her resenting how he's the best at everything. Something.

These are meant to be friendly suggestions. In no way did I intend to attack you personally. I... do want to read more, since I have a fetish for maledom and anthro. I also think taking my advice into account will help you with future writing projects.
The most important part: Don't be discouraged.

No. Look at another author and try to emulate their style. This is just...terrible, terrible wish-fulfilment. It's Gary-Stu all over the place. It's sickening. The flow, the poise, the structure and the style hurt to read. Sorry darling, do try again! Dusk shine has no redeeming qualities. He's just repulsive and I really don't want to read any more about this overpowered cocktrain dumping its contents into ponies.

! went to see Fluttershy and see how she is doing but on my there some of her critter friends found me. The kept pulling me to the shy mare’s cottage and let me in. I walked around calling her the mare I was looking for, I heard a muffled sound from the kitchen.

What are you even trying to say here? Your redundancy turns me off of this sentence already. This is not arousing. You went to see her to see how shes doing? You couldn't have used 'visit' to make it flow better?

' But on my there?' What? What are you writing? Did you even read this before posting it? I have no idea what you're trying to tell me here. Did you mean 'on your way' there?

'They kept pulling me to the shy mare's cottage and let me in?' Tense problems. This is just...dear sweet Celestia, darling, no. You can do better than this

Please tell me there is more to come?? :fluttercry:

8394432
Working on it but just having troubles on how it should happen and not making it a 'out of order jigsaw puzzle' (the chaps don't connect and make any sense)
Might get chap out in a week or two.
Also helping a friend who is the one who did my avatar.

10/03/2017
I have been busy as of late so I have little time to write so it might be while for the next chap.

Wow, now he's got a griffon girlfriend, I can't wait to see what happens next, heck I can't wait to get to the EqG movie chapters, of course those are a LONG ways off, though I will love to see how Dusk takes care of Sunset.

So Dusk doesn't actually interact with Trixie, hm?

Heh. Reminds me of the discussion we had. Maybe that second harem will come into being after all? That would be nice.

And, cause I believe you might appreciate it...

8569996
Thank You but I'm already subbed to Everfree Team.

So how much longer do we have to wait for the next chapter to be out?:rainbowhuh: I want to read the next chapter soon.

You know, Fluttershy is about as submissive a pony slut as they come here. And her critter friends are more than willing to get involved in the action; they did so with Dusk Shine, licking him clean and all. And Flutts likes to be tied tight in a kennel and all that. So... has Dusk considered if she would enjoy being tied down while some animal has its way with her? That would be pretty degrading. Make her (and any of his other lovers who you want to get involved in the action) lower than a dog, for example.

8707968
That is a good idea but I might have to think on that one.
Or I might change who it's done too.

8709014
By all means! Fluttershy is a natural choice because of her closeness to her animal friends, but Dusk could do that to any one of the girls, of course, since he can also communicate with animals. Depending on how submissive she/they are, he can tie them down (look up the bitchsuit tag on Derpibooru to find some interesting ties) and tell the critters to use them.

Me, I have a weird liking for a scenario/game where the dog is made master over its woman owner. Like, Dusk decides that the new hierarchy is him, then the dog, then the mare(s) who are to service the males of the house.

Can’t wait for the next chapter :rainbowwild:

Will the next chapter be out soon (2-3 months) ??:applecry:

Hello?? Are you doing alright?? :pinkiesad2:

8947745
Yes just having hard time getting the contents from my head to 'paper' is all. I'll get ideas but its just like they don't want to come out when I type.

I thought there was an update, NOPE JUST DIDNT READ A CHAPTER

Are these like time skips or these different points like over a certain period of time it’s hard to tell jumping all over the place

9036190
Should have had added a timeline. Sorry. And at a later date I will arrange them in the time they happen.

Love Tap's pov is right after Dusk was sent to the hospital and woke up, and had yet to be discharged.

Barb's pov is before the hospital indecent.

Zakora's pov is naturally set during the Jokes on you! chapter

Gilda's is before Dusk woke up after the lightning strike.

Will you be updating the story?

When will you publish a new chapter?

Are you continuing this story

Make Moore this is interesting

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