TMMDW:The Mysterious Mare do Well

by Equinoxx

Episode 10: A very magical day

Author's Note:

WARNING:

This chapter contains very violent and dark subject matter, it's not too detailed, but it's better safe than sorry. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

(This chapter has been edited.)

It had been three days since I helped Applejack on her farm, there hadn't been much going on, well not until one day. On said day I was patrolling Canterlot as usual when I heard a heated argument somewhere on the streets. I saw a crowd of ponies around a dark blue pegasus, but there was something that made me a lot more wary, his cutiemark. It was a magic wand, that was covered in blood.

Now that I was closer I could hear the crowd laughing and saying some not so nice things to him. I was about to jump down until a filly walked up to the young stallion, the whole crowd went silent. I was now more wary, but I didn't move yet... I wish I did.

"Mister, you're a pegasus, you can't use magic." She told him. The stallion took a moment to look at the filly, smiled, then swiftly moved and... Slit the filly's throat with a knife that somehow appeared in his mouth. The filly tumbled back, gasping for air, then hit the ground. Lifeless. The whole crowd stayed silent, too scared and shocked to even make a sound. As for me I was too shocked as well. That stallion just killed a filly, for what reason, because she said he couldn't use magic!? At this point my shock was replaced with anger. I jumped down and punched the pegasus hard, sending him sliding against the ground.

He slowly got back up, but by the time he did my hoof was an inch from his face. My hoof made contact, giving him a bloody nose and probably some chipped teeth. I used my other hoof to punch him in the chest, almost definitely cracking a rib and making him spit out blood. Finally I spun on my front hooves then bucked him in the chest. I definitely heard a crack that time. The buck also sent him flying through a wall.

I made my way to where he landed, only to find that he had somehow disappeared. I went back to crowd and now saw a mare holding the dead filly in her arms. She was probably the filly's mother... I felt terrible. A lot of the crowd was crying, others were throwing up, and some just looked sad. I for one, now knew that I had to find this monster for killing an innocent filly.

I teleported away, not even bothering with the whole smoke thing. I had to find out where he went. "Computer! Get me a database file on a pony with dark blue fur, forest green mane and tail, pegasus and has a bloody wand for a cutiemark." I ordered.

"Right away." The computer said as it got to work. "If I may ask, what's wrong?" It asked with a surprisingly worried tone.

At that moment I was still angry. "Some bastard killed an innocent filly just for stating a fact!" I said angrily. "And he smiled... HE SMILED BEFORE HE ENDED AN INNOCENT FILLY'S life!!!" I stomped my hooves onto the ground, cracking the stone beneath me.

The computer was silent for a moment then pulled up the data it gathered. "Lamented Goal lives in the poorer side of Canterlot."

"Good, I'm going there." I was about to storm off, but the computer suddenly spoke.

"Don't let your anger get the better of you and be careful." It told me.

I look back at it... Her and nod. "I will be." Then left.

---

[Third person pov.]

Mare do well jumped through a window and into the apartment where Lamented Goal lived, but upon looking around she saw that it was empty. She explored the apartment eventually getting to the bedroom, fortunately that room was full. The caped hero searched the room top to bottom until she came across a drawer, inside was a letter.

The letter said. "Dear mister Lamented Goal, we here at the canterlot entertainment theater would like you to perform an act for tomorrow at 12:00 a.m." Mare do well looked at the date the letter was sent and saw that it was delivered yesterday, meaning that Lamented Goal's performance was tonight, or more specifically in five minutes.

Mare do Well quickly left the building and made her way to the theater. Inside the theater Lamented Goal introduced himself. "Hello everypony! I am Caster, the greatest magician in all of Equestria!" He shouted, to which the crowd booed. "Well it seems some ponies don't believe me." He then stomped the ground and the exits disappeared. "How's that for you?!" The crowd was in silent schock, then the room irrupted in applause and cheers.

"Thank you, thank you, now can I have a volunteer?" He said with a demented smile. Many ponies raised their hooves and after a moment Caster picked one. "You, grey pony, come here." The earthpony mare looked around, then came up to the stage. "Please tell me your name dear." He asked the mare, putting the mic closer to her.

"Octavia." She replied with a bored tone.

"Very nice name. Now," He turned to the audience. "Who wants to see Ms. Octavia disappear?" The crowd cheered. Caster turned back to Octavia. "It won't hurt a bit." He assured her. "Are you ready!?" He asked Octavia, but before she could respond somepony crashed through a wall and that somepony was Mare do Well.

"No no no! I cannot have any interruptions!!!" Sparks flew from Caster and shot out around the room, thankfully the electricity wasn't enough to kill anypony it hit, Mare do Well however, dodged. While that happened, Octavia got off the stage and ducked behind a chair.

"This show is over, Caster." Said Mare do Well.

"Oh really? I thought it only just began!" Caster replied, shooting a fire ball at Mare do Well. The hero used her cape to block the ball of flame, then galloped forward. Caster threw three metal playing cards at Mare do Well in response.

---

[First person pov.]

I jump-roll over the playing cards and spring up into a kick, but Caster seemed one step ahead of me, stopping my hoof with an invisible wall. The wall pushed me back until I jumped over it. I levitated off my hat then blasted a concussion spell at him, but he countered by disappearing without a trace.

I had a very important question though, how did he have magic? He's a pegasus not a unicorn, he shouldn't be able to use this much magic. My train of thought was interrupted when I heard a sharp object whirling through the air. I moved my head just in time to avoid a butchers knife, then turned around to see my would-be killer.

Caster quickly realized that he missed and so he stomped the floor, making the roof start crumbling. I avoided the debris, but was struck in the side by a spear, which hurt alot by the way. Luckily enough it didn't go deep too, thus not doing too much damage, but it had me writhing in pain.

"Aww, the audience is gone. Oh well, this'll just be a private show." Caster said, laughing maniacally afterwards.

I used my magic, backed up by my anger, to pull the unfortunately tipped spear out of my side and stand up. "I'm... Cancelling this... Show." I said, voice riddled with pain.

Caster laughed harder. "Oh, but you deserve a very long rest." He summoned and shot six knives at me, in return I used a shield spell to block them. I charged up a spell and he turned around, expecting me to teleport behind him, but he was incorrect. I teleported to his side and bucked him into a pile of rubble.

I jumped on top of him and started beating him violently, using all of my anger. I won't go into the gritty details, but let's just say that he won't be showing his face for a while.

After that was done I made my way out of the building and to The Well. I was sure that somepony would get the authorities. I nursed my wounds, but while I was doing that, two things came to mind. How was Caster able to move so well even though I broke at least one of his ribs. And Celestia was going to be mad at me for screwing up his face...

And as for the rest of the day... I went to bed, I was exhausted and emotionally drained... To be honest part of me wanted to kill him, but... I'm not a killer. I couldn't bring myself to kill anyone, but... If I did... He would've deserved it, right? Never mind that. It was over... for the time being.

Roll credits

Comments

[Equinoxx]

Good lord… THIS chapter. From memory alone I am already dreading reading this again. I was simply not prepared to write this subject matter with any tact or care at the time, and I’m equally not ready to experience what that resulted in now.

At LEAST I had the awareness to give a warning at the start. Unfortunately, it probably wasn’t specific enough as to what it was about. May have been a bit of a spoiler, but I feel like I should have clarified RUTHLESS CHILD MURDER. I have a ton more I can rant about now, but I’ll save it for a little further into this comment.

It had been three days since I helped Applejack on her farm, there hadn't been much going on, well not until one day. On said day I was patrolling Canterlot as usual when I heard a heated argument somewhere on the streets. I saw a crowd of ponies around a dark blue pegasus, but there was something that made me a lot more wary, his cutiemark. It was a magic wand, that was covered in blood.

Blood as part of a cutiemark, eh? Surely I could have tried being more subtle than that? Or at least less needlessly edgy.

Now that I was closer I could hear the crowd laughing and saying some not so nice things to him. I was about to jump down until a filly walked up to the young stallion, the whole crowd went silent. I was now more wary, but I didn't move yet... I wish I did.

I know this is setup for some character stuff for Seastar, but this is still infuriating! Specifically, I don’t think my level of writing had earned the right to create this scene.

"Mister, you're a pegasus, you can't use magic." She told him. The stallion took a moment to look at the filly, smiled, then swiftly moved and... Slit the filly's throat with a knife that somehow appeared in his mouth. The filly tumbled back, gasping for air, then hit the ground. Lifeless. The whole crowd stayed silent, too scared and shocked to even make a sound. As for me I was too shocked as well. That stallion just killed a filly, for what reason, because she said he couldn't use magic!? At this point my shock was replaced with anger. I jumped down and punched the pegasus hard, sending him sliding against the ground.

Damnit! There’s so much wrong that I can point out here! It’s complete and utter tonal whiplash that I don’t think I properly prepared the reader for! The event itself was horribly paced, making it come across as edgy child murder for the sake of edgy child murder! It feels like such a leap in logic that the killer would kill the filly so suddenly. Even if that was the point, the context of what the filly said makes the killer look like a complete man-child who can’t emotionally handle a simple statement from a kid.

The immature nature of the writing completely detaches the reader from what’s happening, making the impact totally null and void. I wouldn’t be surprised if I learned some readers laughed because of how absurdly bad this was written. This was purely for cheap shock value and to set up this villain as a complete monster without doing any proper legwork. I could have easily had him kill a Stallion for the same reason. It would achieve the same goal without being as unnecessarily cruel.

I’m sure I could go on and on, but I need to give it a rest at some point. The short explanation is that it’s badly written. Child murder can work, but not like this. On a side note, Seastar’s reaction could have been tuned a little better. Maybe being less wordy would have worked. Also, the filly shouldn’t have died instantly. Quickly sure, but I could have either dragged it out for more impact, or had other ponies try and save her.

He slowly got back up, but by the time he did my hoof was an inch from his face. My hoof made contact, giving him a bloody nose and probably some chipped teeth. I used my other hoof to punch him in the chest, almost definitely cracking a rib and making him spit out blood. Finally I spun on my front hooves then bucked him in the chest. I definitely heard a crack that time. The buck also sent him flying through a wall.

A lot of repetition with variations of the word ‘hoof’.

I made my way to where he landed, only to find that he had somehow disappeared. I went back to crowd and now saw a mare holding the dead filly in her arms. She was probably the filly's mother... I felt terrible. A lot of the crowd was crying, others were throwing up, and some just looked sad. I for one, now knew that I had to find this monster for killing an innocent filly.

None of the ponies in the crowd reacted to MDW showing up at all, which feels a bit strange. Also the narration continues to feel detached, and not in an intentional way.

" Right away. " The computer said as it got to work. " If I may ask, what's wrong? " It asked with a surprisingly worried tone.

Repetition of ‘asked’.

At that moment I was still angry. "Some bastard killed an innocent filly just for stating a fact!" I said angrily. "And he smiled... HE SMILED BEFORE HE ENDED AN INNOCENT FILLY'S life!!!" I stomped my hooves onto the ground, cracking the stone beneath me.

I did not write Seastar’s anger very well. It gets the point across, but it’s more than a little wordy.

The computer was silent for a moment then pulled up the data it gathered. " Lamented Goal lives in the poorer side of Canterlot. "

Lamented Goal isn’t a great pony name.

[Third person pov.]

Why the perspective change again?!

The letter said. " Dear mister Lamented Goal, we here at the canterlot entertainment theater would like you to perform an act for tomorrow at 12:00 a.m. " Mare do well looked at the date the letter was sent and saw that it was delivered yesterday, meaning that Lamented Goal's performance was tonight, or more specifically in five minutes.

Only a day in advance? What is this, a notice of termination?

Mare do Well quickly left the building and made her way to the theater. Inside the theater Lamented Goal introduced himself. "Hello everypony! I am Caster, the greatest magician in all of Equestria!" He shouted, to which the crowd booed. "Well it seems some ponies don't believe me." He then stomped the ground and the exits disappeared. "How's that for you?!" The crowd was in silent schock, then the room irrupted in applause and cheers.

Definitely should have had MDW find more info on Lamented in his home. It feels like we’re missing a lot of backstory here. Why is the crowd booing for instance? Is he known to be a bad performer? If so, why did he even get this gig? It all just seems so contrived.

"Thank you, thank you, now can I have a volunteer?" He said with a demented smile. Many ponies raised their hooves and after a moment Caster picked one. "You, grey pony, come here." The earthpony mare looked around, then came up to the stage. "Please tell me your name dear." He asked the mare, putting the mic closer to her.

"Octavia." She replied with a bored tone.

I believe Octavia was chosen at random without putting her hoof up, but I conveyed that very poorly. Also, why is she even here?

"Very nice name. Now," He turned to the audience. "Who wants to see Ms. Octavia disappear?" The crowd cheered. Caster turned back to Octavia. "It won't hurt a bit." He assured her. "Are you ready!?" He asked Octavia, but before she could respond somepony crashed through a wall and that somepony was Mare do Well.

Through a wall? I know she has a strength spell, but surely there was a door or even a possible skylight. Or even crashing through the roof would have been more stylish.

"Oh really? I thought it only just began!" Caster replied, shooting a fire ball at Mare do Well. The hero used her cape to block the ball of flame, then galloped forward. Caster threw three metal playing cards at Mare do Well in response.

---

[First person pov.]

I jump-roll over the playing cards and spring up into a kick, but Caster seemed one step ahead of me, stopping my hoof with an invisible wall. The wall pushed me back until I jumped over it. I levitated off my hat then blasted a concussion spell at him, but he countered by disappearing without a trace.

The most jarring perspective change yet.

I had a very important question though, how did he have magic? He's a pegasus not a unicorn, he shouldn't be able to use this much magic.

I feel like a more accurate phrasing of the confusion should be: “He’s a Pegasus not a Unicorn, he shouldn’t be able to harness his magic like this!”

Caster quickly realized that he missed and so he stomped the floor, making the roof start crumbling. I avoided the debris, but was struck in the side by a spear, which hurt alot by the way. Luckily enough it didn't go deep too, thus not doing too much damage, but it had me writhing in pain.

Okay… being struck full on by a spear should have definitely been worse, also I think ‘deep too’ was a typo. And where did it hit? Even a shallow wound in somewhere like a leg could be pretty debilitating. It probably should have just grazed her.

"Aww, the audience is gone. Oh well, this'll just be a private show." Caster said, laughing maniacally afterwards.

This is fine to show that the audience ran away, but I should have described their actions more before that. Especially when the roof collapsed. That’s most likely when they started to escape. I do like Caster’s dialogue though.

I used my magic, backed up by my anger, to pull the unfortunately tipped spear out of my side and stand up. "I'm... Cancelling this... Show." I said, voice riddled with pain.

Come on Seastar, you should know never to pull out and object that’s been stabbed into you, that just lets the wound bleed more.

Caster laughed harder. "Oh, but you deserve a very long rest." He summoned and shot six knives at me, in return I used a shield spell to block them. I charged up a spell and he turned around, expecting me to teleport behind him, but he was incorrect. I teleported to his side and bucked him into a pile of rubble.

I’m assuming he’s not just conjuring these things out of thin air, right? Like, he’s teleporting them from elsewhere, right? But even that raises so many questions. The spear specifically feels out of place for him to have prepared in advance.

I jumped on top of him and started beating him violently, using all of my anger. I won't go into the gritty details, but let's just say that he won't be showing his face for a while.

Fight could have gone for a tad longer, but it ends fine.

After that was done I made my way out of the building and to The Well. I was sure that somepony would get the authorities. I nursed my wounds, but while I was doing that, two things came to mind. How was Caster able to move so well even though I broke at least one of his ribs. And Celestia was going to be mad at me for screwing up his face...

Those are the thoughts that come to mind? Not theorizing on how he could use magic like that? Also, he’s definitely escaping the guards. No way they have a strategy to detain him yet.

Really, only the first part of the chapter was exceptionally bad. The rest was just mediocre. It suffers immeasurably from being rushed to hell and back, giving no time to set anything up or have any sort of pacing. Thus, every beat falls rather flat on its face. The writing itself doesn’t help either. The inner monologue was especially poorly written this chapter. Regardless, I’m just glad I can move on.