We interrupting our scheduled story to bring some... MAPS!
It's not finished, but I think it'll help in understanding Swarm situation, and... It's nice to have map.
So, first map: Geographic one.
Bigger version: http://derpibooru.org/100297
Geography... booooring!
I think there is no need to add more on this map, so let's see other one - political:
Bigger Version: http://derpibooru.org/100302
See, we now know where is who. Griffin Kingdoms - Gryperra, Zebras - Zebrica, and Changelings... in between. Uh-Oh. Griffins reason to attack Swarm is visible already - crossroad between Zebrica, Equestria and Gryperra. Traders could travel to Zebra Empire with rivers, faster, and safer than through Tribes territory. More, Travelers Salvation is great outpost for future railroad line to Equestria. If Griffin could take it, they would create there great communication junction, and maybe metropolis. Great progress for Griffin Kingdom, and maybe rest of the world. Faster exchange of goods, people, information, everything. World would became smaller.
Only problem is that Changelings live there...
Few words on other nations.
Zebra Empire – Zebras attempt on creation superpower like Griffin Kingdom or Equestria. They are in constant war with Tribes, which not accepted rule of Empire.
Moose Republic – if Equestria reminds USA… We need Canadians!
Old World Countries – MLP version of Europe. It got better, and species segregation between earth ponies, pegasi and unicorns is no more. Species segregation in general is in decline.
AUS – Apogifia United States. …sorry, I don’t know too. Feel free to imagine.
Lyria, Maluana, Falcalia – not important countries. Mixed ponies, zebras, sometimes other species.
Diamond Dominion – mostly Diamond Dogs.
I like your imagining of the wider world of MLP. It would be nice for the show give us some solid geographical references to go on someday.
1292441
It was fun to create I like world creation, places, history, all kinds of this stuff. Heh, I even put on this map how Chancellor Puddinghead, Commander Hurricane and Princess Platinum and theirs followers went to Equestria.
1344266
His story is a real gem in describing his vision of changelings, worth read. I'm waiting for the next chapter now. And there is Transcend, Antecedent and Visionary...
1405159
Well, I have only few names of them, or rather ponifications of original Europe countries like Prance, Germaney, Stallia, Ponyand, Neighterlands, Scoltland, Denmare, etcetera, and one country from times of Three Tribes: Unicornia. But history, demographics or anything like that is... foggy. Heck, I just throw them on map to one bag of Old World Countries.
1405571
We'll use this comment of yours as an example, i you look at it, your missing words like 'of' and 'a'. And in your writing you could stand to use more conjunctions in the proper places with the proper words. I would find a line to help demonstrate, but I just woke up and I'm feeling lazy right now.
You know it makes so much sense that Pinkie is a changeling...and that's kinda spooky.
Keep up the good work.
1406076
Oh well, I just don't understand this "a"/"the" thing But I'm more interested about this "proper places with the proper words"...
1407257
I know Just listen to "Smile, Smile, Smile" with this twist at her.
1409050
This is an example of what could be fixed in a number of sentences.
Believe when I say that your writing is ok, its not anywhere near bad. It just needs a tune-up so its not as confusing.
This is why pre-readers/editors are good for story writing, I've been both and had people help me with my work too, although more for their ideas than for help with grammar and structure. I would volunteer, but I have school to contend with at the moment so I won't be able to get around to.
I have read all of your chapters in one day, your writing style is not too bad. You misplace some words in your sentences, you are not using "the", "and", and finally "or". I love the concept. There is not too many sister stories that involves a secondary character being the said brother or sister. If you know what I mean.
1409105
Okay, I see, but could you explain why "would", not "will"? I don't understand that... I thought that "would" be too assuming.
Anyway, thanks for words of support
1410716
Heh, "the"/"a"/"an" are my nemesis
I don't know, I saw few similiar stories, even with Chrysalis. "Three Sisters" and other one which name I don't remember at moment, but in it Chrysalis was mother of Twilight Sparkle.
1413908
'will' just doesn't fit because of flow, what I suggest is read the sentences and then see if they flow well or not. Its how I write my stories
I would just like to say that for those of use who are colorblind (red-green in particular), your choice of color pallet makes it very hard to tell what is what, both in geography and in the kingdoms. For the vast majority of them, I'm looking at a color and trying to figure out "now which one is this again?"
3610918
Oh, sorry... I really didn't considered it as issue! Unfortunately... I can't even make copy friendly for you, as I killed my HDD few days ago...
3611948
Ouch. Sorry to hear about your hard drive. Always sucks when that stuff happens.
Most people don't think about colorblindness because it doesn't effect them, or anyone they know. That's the simple truth of it. You (and the vast majority of the population) can distinguish red and green from each other just fine. Some of us can't.
Although I would recommend using completely flat cell shading for each region. That would help with some of the regions that seem to have multiple colors due to the shading differences. I would also suggest using the primary and secondary colors as your bases. Blue/Red/Yellow, followed by Purple, Green, Orange. Those are varied enough to give you a lot of options. And if you need to, you could uses a set of stripes to further distinguish other areas (say a set of blue/yellow stripes for one country, and orange/red for another, etc)
3644124
Okay, If I will redo it some day, I will keep you advice in mind!
Still yeah, it quite it. If you don't have some condition you don't think about it. Which is weird because rather large part of population have some sight issues...
CANT YOU SEE I AM GETTING OLD WAITING FOR MOR‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️
-_- two non chapters in a row really?
3719267
There is more chapters but I unpublished them. They are waiting for revisions.
Looking forward to the revisions! This is one of my favorite "a main character turns out to have been a changeling all along" stories, but sometimes the language becomes difficult to follow. Glad to hear it's still being polished as well as extended. :)
3719524 ok I'll be waiting
.................... Update.
Thats all i have to say...besides its a great story.
1413908 the three sisters. And is the other one caloed " mirror image"? Because i read mirror image and it fits that genra.
Keep up the good work I like this story. Thanks
3850120
I'm glad you like it!
Guess what? Revised chapter is up!
This needs to be taken off of hiatus.
4009355
Sorry, but I haven't finished rewrites yet, and I just finished semi-finals.
And what does President Bush say?