As the unicorn got closer I could tell she was female due her body shape
For a human in an alien world, he sure recognized pony females easily... it's almost like he's already been there! Wait...
I could tell the last part was directed at me as she looked with desire and... lust?
A xenophilic pony huh? I'm surprised she isn't at the very least disgusted by the hairless, bipedal ape alien that's standing in front of her.
Monterey Jack, I nice guy who owns a cheese shop and had two lovely kids was threaten a young mare.
How does he know this? They didn't even have that conversation in this story.
"I respect you Casey," he turned towards me
Maybe I missed it, but where did Monterey learn his name?
I've only read Chapter 1, but there are spelling and grammatical errors abound. It didn't seem like you really edited this thing before publishing it. The protagonist is too silent for my own liking, and over the course of this chapter, we never really got a glimpse into the character's mind or motivations. We don't know much about him or his motivations, other than the fact that his name's Casey (which wasn't even introduced at the beginning of the story, but in a random snippet of conversation instead), and that he's some kind of nerd who plays video games. Also, his sudden awakening to the wasteland is a lot less shocking to him than what I'd think for someone suddenly waking up in an alien wasteland. He isn't shocked or afraid. It's almost comical how normal he seems in a totally alien world.
Another thing that irks me is how Casey is being treated by the other characters. They don't really seem frightened or surprised to see him either, given that he's (probably) the first and only human they've ever seen. They're basically treating him like any other pony in the wasteland, instead of the alien creature he's supposed to be. This leads me to question whether or not him being human is even necessary in the first place. If you're going to treat him like a regular Equestrian wastelander, why make him an alien from the human world to begin with?
All in all, after what I've read, this story could use some work. You need to re-read your story and fix the spelling and grammatical errors. Some of the errors are pretty basic stuff, like using 'me' and 'I' incorrectly in sentences like, 'Me and Littlepip' (it should be 'Littlepip and I'). There are also conversation that happen off scene which is strange because it seem like we're missing half of what's actually going on. It isn't appropriate to assume that Casey talked to Littlepip and Monterey, and then refer to them personally in a conversation that never happened. Hell, we didn't even learn the narrator's name until Monterey mentioned it! When did Monterey learn his name? When Casey introduce himself to him? These plot holes are just really confusing and distracting.
When you're writing a story, whether it's based upon another story or an original story by itself, you can't assume that readers know what's going on before they read it. Luckily, I read the original Fallout: Equestria so I kinda know where this story picks up from and who the characters are, but if I was new to the fandom and found this story, I'd have little to no idea what's going on.
8260934
True
Needs some spicy cover art.
8260949
I'll keep that in mind.
Interesting.... ill have to keep my eye on this story. You sir just earned a like and a track
8261007
Why thank you
For a human in an alien world, he sure recognized pony females easily... it's almost like he's already been there! Wait...
A xenophilic pony huh? I'm surprised she isn't at the very least disgusted by the hairless, bipedal ape alien that's standing in front of her.
How does he know this? They didn't even have that conversation in this story.
Maybe I missed it, but where did Monterey learn his name?
I've only read Chapter 1, but there are spelling and grammatical errors abound. It didn't seem like you really edited this thing before publishing it. The protagonist is too silent for my own liking, and over the course of this chapter, we never really got a glimpse into the character's mind or motivations. We don't know much about him or his motivations, other than the fact that his name's Casey (which wasn't even introduced at the beginning of the story, but in a random snippet of conversation instead), and that he's some kind of nerd who plays video games. Also, his sudden awakening to the wasteland is a lot less shocking to him than what I'd think for someone suddenly waking up in an alien wasteland. He isn't shocked or afraid. It's almost comical how normal he seems in a totally alien world.
Another thing that irks me is how Casey is being treated by the other characters. They don't really seem frightened or surprised to see him either, given that he's (probably) the first and only human they've ever seen. They're basically treating him like any other pony in the wasteland, instead of the alien creature he's supposed to be. This leads me to question whether or not him being human is even necessary in the first place. If you're going to treat him like a regular Equestrian wastelander, why make him an alien from the human world to begin with?
All in all, after what I've read, this story could use some work. You need to re-read your story and fix the spelling and grammatical errors. Some of the errors are pretty basic stuff, like using 'me' and 'I' incorrectly in sentences like, 'Me and Littlepip' (it should be 'Littlepip and I'). There are also conversation that happen off scene which is strange because it seem like we're missing half of what's actually going on. It isn't appropriate to assume that Casey talked to Littlepip and Monterey, and then refer to them personally in a conversation that never happened. Hell, we didn't even learn the narrator's name until Monterey mentioned it! When did Monterey learn his name? When Casey introduce himself to him? These plot holes are just really confusing and distracting.
When you're writing a story, whether it's based upon another story or an original story by itself, you can't assume that readers know what's going on before they read it. Luckily, I read the original Fallout: Equestria so I kinda know where this story picks up from and who the characters are, but if I was new to the fandom and found this story, I'd have little to no idea what's going on.
8335455
Ok, I see what I've left out.