The Worst of Mentions

by BlazzingInferno

Over the Hedge

All of Ponyville stretched out before Rarity: tranquil, picturesque, and no bigger than her hoof. Her shop and town hall seemed to stand mere inches apart, and the fairgrounds beyond Sweet Apple Acres, where the spring carnival was being set up, could be taken for a foal’s toy collection. The view from this hillside was truly magnificent, and made all the better by its being completely real; she’d had her fill of dragon-massage-given hallucinations, but certainly not of the dragon himself.

“This spot is simply wonderful, Spikey! How did you find it?”

She looked back, her gaze traveling up the steep hill to the thick hedge bordering the road. Spike’s foot pushed through the hedge, followed by an arm, followed by a shoulder. At last he emerged, save for his arm that remained trapped in the branches. He leaned away from the hedge, pushing and pulling with all his might. Finally the hedge released him as well as the picnic basket he’d been holding. He tumbled through the air until her magic caught him, upside down but still firmly attached to the basket he’d wrestled free from the bushes.

He grinned a sheepish grin. “Heheh, thanks.”

She smiled and raised an eyebrow. “And how did you happen upon this wonderful picnic spot? I can’t imagine it ever being empty if word were to get around.”

His gaze went back to the hedge. “It was kind of an accident. Big Mac and I were taking a wagonload of stuff to the dump, I fell off, and… I didn’t exactly have somepony to catch me that time.”

She lowered him to the ground, setting him on the opposite side of their blanket and the picnic basket between them. “Well I’m certainly glad I was here to assist you this time, especially since you’ve been so kind as to invite me to a picnic.”

“It’s the least I could do after you made us brunch yesterday—” his cheeks turned red and a smile crossed his face “—and dinner.”

“Come now, I simply had to repay you for spending the entire day washing my shop windows and replanting the flowers trampled by your… former admirers.”

Spike rummaged in the picnic basket and pulled out a pair of sandwiches wrapped in cloth. “You mean the massage zombies?”

“Whatever you to call them, at least the frightful ordeal ended well… not to mention leading to three lovely meals and counting.”

A quick bat of her eyes was all it took to make him blush.

He looked toward the expansive view in an effort to hide his rosy cheeks. “So… um… the carnival is opening tomorrow.”

“Yes?”

“A-and I was wondering… if… if you don’t have any other plans…”

Rarity leaned forward with an expectant smile. Now came the real test, the chance to see if Spike was indeed ready to make something of all his blushing and sideways glances, something more adventurous and romantic than a casual picnic lunch between close friends. “Yes?”

A wagon wheel squeaked loudly on the nearby road, and a mare’s nasal voice carried through the air. “—got about ten more wagonloads of trash left.”

A second mare groaned. “Yeesh, dumb carnival! It’s gonna be even worse tearing it down next week.”

Spike slapped his forehead. “I should’ve known this spot was too good to be true!”

Rarity reclined on the blanket, her smile intact. “They’ll be gone in a moment, Spikey, and then you can continue whatever it was that you were going to say. Perhaps you were going to ask me something?”

The two mare’s conversation continued, as did the squeak of the wagon’s wheels as they pulled it along the road. “Look on the bright side: we’re getting some sweet overtime pay. There’s this one dress at Rarity’s that I’ve had my eye on for months. Soon as I’m done hauling carnival trash, that baby is mine!”

“Pfft, Rarity’s? Her stuff used to be kinda cute, but now it's totally last year. And that pony’s mane… ugh… it’s more product than hair. Gross.”

Rarity let out a gasp. “Why… how could she… she… the nerve!”

Spike held a claw up to his mouth. “Sssh, they’ll hear us!”

She tossed her mane and glared through the hedge. “Hmpf. A certain somepony will never ever be getting a ‘close friend discount’ again.”

The sound of the squeaking wagon and the conversation of the mares pulling it finally faded. Silence returned, but Rarity’s smile didn’t. Her glare devolved into a frown, and she gave her mane a few gentle strokes. “I’ll have to you know my hair curls naturally, Spikey. Adding little product to accentuate a wholly natural feature is hardly a crime.”

Spike nodded vigorously. “A-and I love it! I've always loved what you do with your hair!”

“Thank you.”

He reached into the picnic basket and pulled out a cupcake. “How about we start with dessert instead, or have some lemonade?”

Rarity sighed. “I suppose something to drink would be nice. We shouldn’t let one tasteless, small-minded mare ruin our entire afternoon, after all.”

He pulled out a canteen and nodded. “Ri—”

Another passing conversation filtered through the bushes, this one between a mare and a stallion.

“—and I heard they spent yesterday in her shop all by themselves, and they’re out having a picnic today. There's no way they’re not seeing each other.” the stallion said.

The mare sighed. “Figures. Kind of sad, too. I mean, one of them could be doing so much better.”

Spike’s canteen-holding arm shivered, nearly spilling the lemonade he was pouring.

Rarity leaned forward and touched his cheek. “Pay them no mind, Spikey. Remember, what they say doesn’t—“

“I wish I could breathe fire.” the stallion muttered.

“You and every guy in town, honey!” the mare replied, “The way Spike can just shoot out those flames… ooh, I’m getting weak in the knees just thinking about it!”

“How’d Rarity ever snag him, anyway? I mean, everypony knows that ‘saving herself for a prince line’ is code for knowing she didn’t have much going for her… then all of the sudden she’s got the only dragon in town. Which is good news for me, right? Say, I heard the carnival is opening tomorrow—”

“Keep on dreaming, honey.”

Most of the lemonade wound up on the blanket. The small amount that landed in Spike’s cup was gone in one swig. “I… I’m…”

Rarity jaw couldn’t have dropped any further without becoming unhinged. “Don’t… have much… going for me?”

Spike shook his head. “They’re crazy! The whole town’s crazy! You’re the most beautiful, graceful, talented—”

She flopped backward on the blanket. “So says the most eligible bachelor in town, apparently! The dragon that could have any mare he wants, apparently! Why he invited a homely pony like me to a picnic we may never know!”

“I… um… do you really think that part about me was true? N-not that I don’t think you’re the most beautiful and graceful and talented!”

She held a foreleg over her eyes. “I don’t suppose you have six gallons of vanilla oat swirl ice cream in that basket, Spikey, because I’m not sure anything else could possibly salvage this moment.”

Spike cupped her hoof in his hands. “There’s nopony else I’d rather be here with, Rarity! Remember what you said about how we shouldn’t let anypony else ruin our picnic?”

“Yes, but… I-I simply don’t know if I even want to eat… or breathe, for that matter.”

He tightened his embrace. “I’ll run down to the store and get you that ice cream right now if you want, or I’ll pack up all this stuff and carry you home, or I’ll… breathe fire for you, since apparently that’s super-attractive.”

In her opinion, the gentle press of his soft hands on her skin held far more allure than fire, so much so that she couldn’t hold back a small smile. “I suppose we can carry on with our picnic in a spot with less hoof traffic… although I will miss the splendid view.”

Spike gazed out at the panorama and cleared his throat. “So… um… would you like to go to the carnival tomorrow?”

Rarity bit her lip. Romance of the moment aside, at least he’d finally asked her. “That’s… a splendid idea, Sp—”

This time it was Pinkie Pie, her voice bubbling with confidence. “Just a month left until Rarity’s birthday! I’m gonna wiiiiin.”

“No way,” Rainbow Dash replied, “it’s totally gonna happen on Hearts and Hooves day next week. That’s when Spike and Rarity are gonna make it official, and that’s when I’m sweeping the betting pool and taking home all the bi—”

Rarity exploded through the hedge and pinned Rainbow to the ground. “Don’t you dare say another word about me or Spike! We’ve already sat through more than enough… troubling comments from random ponies. I draw the line at our friends placing bets on when or if we—” her face reddened “—and what we do in private is hardly any of your concern to begin with!”

“H-hi, Rarity!” Rainbow stammered. “We were… uh… just talking about you.”

Spike jumped through the new, pony-shaped hole in the hedge. “Were you two really betting on—”

Pinkie landed in front of him, face up on the ground. “Ooh, ooh, you’ve gotta pin me first!”

He gingerly placed one foot on her belly. “Uh… is that better?”

Pinkie’s eyes went wide and she stuck out her tongue in pretend distress. “Okay, okay, I’ll talk! I’ve got twenty bits on Rarity’s birthday!”

Rainbow jumped back into the sky, sending Rarity flying. “And I’ve got twenty on Hearts and Hooves Day. That’s the perfect day to officially start dating, right Spike?”

With a great sigh, Rarity sat on the roadside and shut her eyes. “Are all of our friends in on this terrible game? Has Fluttershy selected Hearth’s Warming? What about Applejack?”

“Uuum.” Pinkie put on an uneasy grin. “It’s… kinda bigger than that.”

Spike stepped away from her. “Bigger?”

Pinkie nodded. “Like, whole town bigger.”

“That many ponies care about if we… when we…”

Rarity started to sniffle. “Am I doomed to never show my face on the streets of Ponyville again?”

“Not just Ponyville,” Pinkie replied, “We got some write-in bets from as far away as Manehattan, too!”

Rarity burst into tears.

Rainbow patted her on the back. “What’s the big deal? We all see how you two are around each other. So what if we put a few bits on when you go all head-over-hooves?”

Spike held up his claws to count. “But that’s gotta be way more than a few if most of the town’s in on it, plus some other ponies… Do you know how many comics I could buy?”

“That isn’t helpful!” Rarity shouted, “I want this madness to stop this instant!”

“So kiss already,” Rainbow said with a shrug, “unless you wanna wait until Hearts and Hooves day just to make it extra special… and to get me some super-rare Daring Do collector’s plates.”

Spike folded his arms and looked away. “M-maybe we will and not tell anybody! Maybe we’ll just keep it secret forever!”

Pinkie scooted in next to him. “Aww, come on. Don’t you wanna smooch that pretty Rarity face in front of everypony? Snuggly kissy times make everything better; it’s like super-good candy that doesn't ever give you a tummy ache!”

“Sure I want that, b-but not like this… not when some random pony gets to cash in because of it.”

Rarity’s crying stopped as abruptly as it started. “If that’s what it takes to put a stop to this, then so be it! Rainbow, I’d like you to place an anonymous bet for me: tomorrow at noon, atop the carnival’s stage. As the clock strikes the hour, our relationship will become unmistakably public.”

Spike gasped. “Y-you mean…we’ll… we’ll—”

“And after that I’ll personally go door to door, returning bits and telling each and every betting pony just how petty and terrible they are for putting us in such a position… dispensing our affections on demand, just to satisfy their infantile gossip-mongering…”

Rainbow sighed. “Fine, I’ll place your bet. Heh, at least this’ll clear up a whole bunch of other rumors.”

Spike threw up his arms. “Oh, come on! What’s so special about breathing fire?”

“Huh? Fire’s not really my thing, Spike, sorry. I’m talking about Rarity.”

Rarity cringed. “Nothing could possibly be worse than what I've heard already… can it?”

Rainbow reclined in midair, a wide grin on her face. “Like how you’re actually with Big Mac… or Prince Blueblood… or Big Mac and Prince Blueblood?”

Pinkie bounced up and down. “Don’t forget about the Pony Tones!”

Spike went pale.

Rarity screamed.

Comments

[Bugsydor]

I'm not sure which to feel more sorry for: Spike or Rarity.

[Diamond_Dancer]

8056917

Both?

[PresentPerfect]

his soft hands

:V

[King of Kings]

8056917
Spike, obviously.