*Slowly raises eyebrow* HMM...Heresy!... You have my attention.. again, my friend!

So the new story is here dis is gowing to by fun to read let the fun time start now

The ultimate heresy, more so than chaos, because it uses order...Politics, the thing that often sends hundreds of men and women to death to fight in a war because one man wanted something from it for his personal gain, the thing that sends hundreds into poverty because of one's personal gain...

Hmm? And of what heresy do I find here?

....there are many Lore-based things wrong with this story, but as it is your story, you may keep them as is. However, I will at the very most inform you of such Lore Based Errors

1: the Alpha Legion would not be that open-mouthed about anything. He would not do some of the things he did on the ship, involving his commentary on his predicament.

2: he stated that they were his original Legion, and if they are Imperial Fists....there is not a single Imperial Fist in existence that would act like that. They are stoic, calm, and good at siege defense. Also they are terrible with sarcasm, as well as emotion.

3: if any ordinary Legionnary (I am assuming this is during the Horus Heresy) were to run across a human-horse hybrid such as her, they would have shot her for being a mutant. Or was that the current Imperium? Anyway yeah those are some of the Lore-wise errors.

But it's your story! For all I know this Alpha Boy had some past experience that made him as he is now!

I'm gonna follow this cause I'm interested.

7773736 I only just started this story, and this already happens without ANY character revelations occur? Seriously.... I'm getting rather tired of people jumping the gun.

1. There IS a reason he is what he is, and that will be revealed in a later date. So don't jump to conclusions so early in the game, ok? Makes things rather bad and annoying.

2. He isn't Imperial Fist, he's Alpha Legion. That was made clear by his color coding and the fact he mentioned getting pay back for Warsmith Zarrix (Imperials Fists being Iron Warriors' eternal nemisis). Along with the fact he was betrayed by an already infiltrated "brother" in other words, another Alpha Legionnaire gave Salidar up to keep his own cover.

3. Salidar is Alpha Legion, along with a die hard Unbreakable Warband Loyalist. Plus, he's on an unknown world completely surrounded by the unknown. If he starts killing people with zero information on anything, that is a one way street to his own doom... and no Alpha Legionnaire worth their salt would allow that.

Everything has already been planned out with my loremaster, who CONSTANTLY nags at me with Lore Based Facts and makes sure I am doing things correctly. He fact checks EVERYTHING before I post anything or think of a story plot.

7773813 I can this happening and how an alpha legionnaire would respond. Alpha legionnaires are brutally cunning after all (yes an Ork reference). Plus as a traitor marine, he's allowed his heresy for the this :3 not that there is any.

7773813

I was merely stating some of the things that felt off, especially for an Alpha Legionnaire. And he had stated that he had been with his original Legion, which led me to believe that he had once been a member of the Imperial Fists, as right at the start he was being chased by them.

Also, regarding the Kill all mutants thing, I am merely stating that that is how an Adeptus Astartes would take things. Maybe he would do it more stealthily, maybe not, but that is still how a Space Marine would act. His statement of the Imperial Fists Legion leads me to believe that this takes place during or just after the Horus Heresy, as the Legions were split up into Chapters.

I am only trying to state some of the Lore based facts that I felt were incorrect or wrong. Merely helpful criticism. If anyone is jumping the gun here, it is you.

7774617 He called them Legion because he was from the Horus Heresy, but this takes place during the 41k millennia. Warsmith Zarrix is from the same time period, as well. Those of the Traitor Legions did not age like those before them did, due to the warp not sharing the same time line. And like I said, everything has a reason as to why it is, and one should not believe that the Adeptus Astartes would react in a single manner, during the Horus Heresy there were times that talk came between the Imperium and Xenos races... Again, there is a reason for everything, and one should not jump the gun on making "corrections" when everything hasn't been brought out. After all, it -is- only the -first- chapter. Let things play out.

I am Alpharious!

7774053 Thank you, for realizing this x3 people seem to forget, Alpha Legionnaires will do -anything- to get the upper hand or ahead. That includes working with Xeons or pretending to be something they are not.

7774801 As an actual Warhammer 40k player and fluff lover, you're doing nothing wrong. Just ignore the neigh-sayers.

This is definitely gonna be good!

7774680 I have to raise one flaw with that. A majority of the the Alpha Legion aint even located in the Eye of Terror or the warp. Most of them are in Normal space

7775940 I'll say again, he is an Unbreakables Loyalist. Which means, he spent a -lot- time with Warsmith Zarrix of the Iron Warriors

7776112 Ah didnt see that part sorry

I love reading these stories, because most of the characters are beyond the initiate indoctrination and have their own morals and personalities. Plus it is kind of fun seeing these demi-humans of war work for what they were originally intended for. Good work I eagerly await for more on all your stories.

7773736 On issue #3, he could have thought they were an intelligent sub-species of Beastmen which are a group of abhumans that are sanctioned by the Imperium.

A few more moments passed, and no response came, causing Lotus to become more worried than scared. When she got closer to the tub’s edge, lowering her weapon, an armored giant burst from the water, taking a deep breath of air! The teal armored giant grasped on to the hot tub’s edge, pulling himself on to its edge. “Worst… Operation… Ever .” He groaned, keeping his upper body out of the water, a strange contraption in his right hand. “First op back with my original Legion, and I get betrayed by another Infiltrator. Then, I am chased by three Imperial Fists marines and one Terminator, into a sealed room. To make matters all worse, my teleporter beacon malfunctions from being damaged! Now, I fall into a pool of water, filled with Primarchs knows what.” Sluggishly, he removed the helmet and tossed it to the side… Revealing his short-cropped hair cut, military stile, and seemingly generic features. “I could really use a vacation.”

Someone has some Lamenters Luck.