"Come on Fluttershy! Its not so bad!" a pink pony said, dancing to a yellow pony with a pink mane, who was curled up in a ball, sobbing.
"Let us out! You're taking the wrong ponies!" the cyan pegasus with a rainbow mane screamed at the guards who had imprisoned her, and 5 others. "I'm telling you! You need to let us out or Equestria isn't going to make it another week!"
The white one sobbed. "Rainbow, we've been locked in this hideous cell for 3 days with no chance of escape, and some of the worst hay I've ever eaten." She says. "Even Twilight has had no luck with the lock, let alone the guards under his spell, and she knows more spells than I daresay Princess Celestia does"
"Now wait just a second!" an orange pony piped up, "I don't care who you are, or what element you represent. We gotta remain strong for our Princess. She's our final hope now." There was a small hint in her voice that she'd given up, but she did her best not to show it. It seemed to work.
"I hope you're right girls," the lavender pony said, almost dejectedly, "I really hope you're right."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*CLANG!* *CLUNK!* *CLINK!*
Thomas woke up with a start. Was that a thief? In HIS apartment? The nerve of some people. He got out of bed slowly, not wanting to make a sound, and grabbed the nearest blunt object he could find in the darkness.
*CLUNK!* *CLING!* "Ahh! *THUD!*
Thomas didn't wait for a second opportunity. If this thief had fallen, this was his chance to get payback for breaking and entering, and possibly stealing. He wasn't the worlds most muscular 18 year old, but he wasn't a stick. He headed down the stairs and turned on the light, ready to attack at the first sign of aggression.
He didn't expect a pony to be in his home.
"HALT!" yelled the pony, who had been the reason for the noise. She was a dark blue in colour, with a picture of a moon on her flank, surrounded by black, sprawled out all over his kitchen floor, with a couple of saucepans stuck on her feet. If not for being an insane animal lover, this would be the funniest thing in the world to Thomas. And did it just tell him to halt?
Thomas couldn't believe his eyes. Or his ears. A talking pony. He could make a fortune! He was rich! He was...
"THESE TRAPS ARE VERY IRRITATING AND LOUD!" she yelled, once again. "IS THIS HOW THOU TREATS ROYA--" she looked up at him, and stopped. What in the hay was this thing? It was unlike anything else she'd ever seen in Equestria. In fact, was she even IN Equestria? All her sister told her to do was to get help, and after giving her some parchment with instructions, sent her off to Noponys land.
"Tra... irrita... whatta... huh?" Thomas was amazed. It WAS a talking pony. But not just any old pony, it was a Unicorn! At the same time, it was a Pegasus! It was a.... Unisus? Pegacorn? Some other word that is actually correct?
"WHAT IS THY NAME?" She asked him.
Thomas' ears were now ringing from the yelling at point blank distance. "M-My name is Thomas..." He said. "And please, keep your voice down. My neighbours are attempting to sleep."
"YOU HA- oh. Ahem. You have neighbours? How wonderful! Maybe we are in Equestria! But I've nev-"
"Equi-what?"
The pony sighed. "This is going to be a long night for everypony..." she said.
Well, This is the first chapter. A bit small to my liking, but I don't like dragging things on any more than what I feel have already been stretched.
Here I'm just introducing a little bit of plot, nothing much else. Critiques are HEAVILY requested, since I believe that the only way someone can get better, is through critiques, no matter how soft or hard they are.
With that said, I am an Australian, so there are some words that may or may not confuse you with spelling. I'll change the words into "Americanese" as my dad calls it another time.
i like the idea of having a human protagonist who has not seen the show before. furthermore it is kinda short so i can't really give any ideas about the story before you have written some more chapters.
i have spotted a typo btw
He wasn't the words most
i think it should be worlds
anyways good luck with the next chapter!
It's an interesting start, and I'll probably continue reading this. There are a lot of questions that I'd like to see answered.
Work on your Royal Canterlot Voice - it should be "WHAT IS THY NAME?"
Also, even if you're writing in third person, it's best to focus on one character's thoughts at a time. You jumped from Thomas, to Luna, and back to Thomas in three paragraphs.
And your first paragraph had the annoying problem of "referring to ponies with physical descriptions and never names." I would not be bothered if you had just said Pinkie Pie - assume that your readers are familiar with the mane cast of the show, and just state their names right off the bat. It makes things easier and less wordy.
Don't let all the criticism discourage you, though. Keep writing this.
Critiques are heavily requested, huh? *cracks knuckles* Let's do this.
This story isn't off to a bad start. Though there are a few things you need to consider.
In the beginning of this story, I can already see something to point out. As it was stated earlier, you refer to the mane 6 by their colors in their descriptive text, yet address them by name in the dialogue. While any fan of MLP would know who's who, just imagine what those who have no idea about MLP are thinking. Who is this pink pony? What about this cyan pegasus, this "white one", this orange pony, and this lavender pony, just who are these characters? Also, the way you described Fluttershy makes her seem like her coat is yellow and pink. Descriptions should be used effectively, but not excessively. If this story is meant for those who already know about MLP: FiM, then only use their names. If you want to attract interest from others outside of the show, then use descriptions and names.
Also, AJ doesn't sound southern enough (in my book, anyways)
The sound effects you have after the break look like they're dialogue, since it's in quotation marks, rather than using * or even just italicizing it for effect. If all else fails, you could use it as descriptive text.
Next, your character, Thomas. I'm thrown into seeing this character, but I don't really see this character. Who is Thomas? Why should I care about him? Is he even relevant to the plot? You need to introduce him properly. Also, does he plan on attacking this intruder empty handed? Nine times out of ten, people tend to grab something to arm themselves in case of an attack, especially if one is "not the world's most muscular teenager".
I'd like to direct your attention to paragraph 6 (after the break). You have Luna and Thomas share the same paragraph, yet no name is stated. It could be perceived as if Luna just switched genders on the fly.
Now, the beginning of how you describe Luna is good, but there's one little portion I'd like to address. "Surrounded by black." Surrounded by black what? Again, descriptions, my friend.
Unless Thomas is a brony, I highly doubt anyone would react to see a tall, magical pony in their kitchen with delight, or thoughts of monetary value. I know that anyone else would probably freak out, startled by such a sight in their home.
That's all I really see as far as plot is concerned. Now onto grammar.
First and foremost, punctuating grammar correctly. It's not as bad here as it is in other stories, but there are still some things to point out. It looks like you have the basics of how to punctuate dialogue, but you mostly seem to capitalize the words after dialogue, even if it's descriptive text. This makes it sound like an awkward sentence, and should be changed. Here are the places in question. (I changed it for you, so you can copy it right in, should you choose to do so):
bad!" a
," she said.
second!" an
girls," the
"HALT!" yelled
LOUD!" she
NAME?" she
I'll place my suggestions below for you to see.
"Come on Fluttershy! Its not SO bad!"
"Come on, Fluttershy! It's not so bad!"
"You need to let us out if Equestria has any hope!"
"You need to let us out, or Equestria doesn't stand a chance!"
"Rainbow, we've locked in this hideous dungeon for 3 days with no chance of escape, and some of the worst hay I've ever eaten."
"Rainbow, we've been locked inside of this hideous cell for three days, with no chance of escape; left with no food besides what is probably the worst hay I've ever eaten." idk, I think it would make more sense to say inside a cell, since a dungeon is a complex.
represent. We
represent, we
saucepans stick
saucepans stuck
ROYA"
ROYA--"
She looked up at him, and stopped. What in the hay was this thing? It was unlike anything else she'd ever seen in Equestria. In fact, was she even IN Equestria? All her sister told her to do was to get help, and after giving her some parchment with instructions, sent her off to Noponys land.
- I'd suggest making these into her thoughts
All her sister told her to do was to get help, and after giving her some parchment with instructions, sent her off to Noponys land.
All her sister told her was to get some help. After being given some parchment with instructions, she was sent to No pony's land.
"Tra... irrita... whatta.... huh?"
Thomas stammered, "Tra... irrita... whatta.... huh?" This is just a personal preference, you are free to keep it as is, if you want.
I'm sure you already know this, but if you didn't know, the word you're looking for is alicorn. I'm only saying this in case you truly don't know what they're called (can't be too careful )
a....
a...An ellipsis has three dots, not two.
Thomas.."
Thomas..."
"This is going to be a long night for everypony," she said.
She said, "This is going to be a long night for everypony..."
Phew, didn't think I could write so much for so little. Other than this, this looks like it's off to an ok start. I'll see if this story pops up again on my home page.
interesting
It's pretty good so far. I do have to agree with 46042 though. They had some VERY good points that you should take into consideration.
I can't wait for more.
46042 Thank you so much! This is the best Critique I've ever received for anything I've done. Rest assured its gone straight to heart, and I hope the changes reflect this.
Again, Thanks!
Hmm, pretty interesting start!
I see that Some Person helped you out so I'll just say that when it comes to the possessive form, it would be "thy name."
Thou = you
Thy = your
Hopefully later chapters are bit longer