The Mane 6 have been captured by Discord, after breaking free from the spell that had trapped him in the royal garden. The elements of Harmony are trapped, and Discords reign is only getting started.
Thomas is a high school graduate. While renting a place for him to live, he is rudely awoken by an intruder in the kitchen! But somebody better explain why this "Princess Luna" is talking, and we he must go with her to stop this "Discord."
Equestria and Earth are two entirely different places, that will never be the same again.
Chapters (6)
Well, This is the first chapter. A bit small to my liking, but I don't like dragging things on any more than what I feel have already been stretched.
Here I'm just introducing a little bit of plot, nothing much else. Critiques are HEAVILY requested, since I believe that the only way someone can get better, is through critiques, no matter how soft or hard they are.
With that said, I am an Australian, so there are some words that may or may not confuse you with spelling. I'll change the words into "Americanese" as my dad calls it another time.
i like the idea of having a human protagonist who has not seen the show before. furthermore it is kinda short so i can't really give any ideas about the story before you have written some more chapters.
i have spotted a typo btw
He wasn't the words most
i think it should be worlds
anyways good luck with the next chapter!
It's an interesting start, and I'll probably continue reading this. There are a lot of questions that I'd like to see answered.
Work on your Royal Canterlot Voice - it should be "WHAT IS THY NAME?"
Also, even if you're writing in third person, it's best to focus on one character's thoughts at a time. You jumped from Thomas, to Luna, and back to Thomas in three paragraphs.
And your first paragraph had the annoying problem of "referring to ponies with physical descriptions and never names." I would not be bothered if you had just said Pinkie Pie - assume that your readers are familiar with the mane cast of the show, and just state their names right off the bat. It makes things easier and less wordy.
Don't let all the criticism discourage you, though. Keep writing this.
Critiques are heavily requested, huh? *cracks knuckles* Let's do this.
This story isn't off to a bad start. Though there are a few things you need to consider.
In the beginning of this story, I can already see something to point out. As it was stated earlier, you refer to the mane 6 by their colors in their descriptive text, yet address them by name in the dialogue. While any fan of MLP would know who's who, just imagine what those who have no idea about MLP are thinking. Who is this pink pony? What about this cyan pegasus, this "white one", this orange pony, and this lavender pony, just who are these characters? Also, the way you described Fluttershy makes her seem like her coat is yellow and pink. Descriptions should be used effectively, but not excessively. If this story is meant for those who already know about MLP: FiM, then only use their names. If you want to attract interest from others outside of the show, then use descriptions and names.
Also, AJ doesn't sound southern enough (in my book, anyways)
The sound effects you have after the break look like they're dialogue, since it's in quotation marks, rather than using * or even just italicizing it for effect. If all else fails, you could use it as descriptive text.
Next, your character, Thomas. I'm thrown into seeing this character, but I don't really see this character. Who is Thomas? Why should I care about him? Is he even relevant to the plot? You need to introduce him properly. Also, does he plan on attacking this intruder empty handed? Nine times out of ten, people tend to grab something to arm themselves in case of an attack, especially if one is "not the world's most muscular teenager".
I'd like to direct your attention to paragraph 6 (after the break). You have Luna and Thomas share the same paragraph, yet no name is stated. It could be perceived as if Luna just switched genders on the fly.
Now, the beginning of how you describe Luna is good, but there's one little portion I'd like to address. "Surrounded by black." Surrounded by black what? Again, descriptions, my friend.
Unless Thomas is a brony, I highly doubt anyone would react to see a tall, magical pony in their kitchen with delight, or thoughts of monetary value. I know that anyone else would probably freak out, startled by such a sight in their home.
That's all I really see as far as plot is concerned. Now onto grammar.
First and foremost, punctuating grammar correctly. It's not as bad here as it is in other stories, but there are still some things to point out. It looks like you have the basics of how to punctuate dialogue, but you mostly seem to capitalize the words after dialogue, even if it's descriptive text. This makes it sound like an awkward sentence, and should be changed. Here are the places in question. (I changed it for you, so you can copy it right in, should you choose to do so):
bad!" a
," she said.
second!" an
girls," the
"HALT!" yelled
LOUD!" she
NAME?" she
I'll place my suggestions below for you to see.
"Come on Fluttershy! Its not SO bad!"
"Come on, Fluttershy! It's not so bad!"
"You need to let us out if Equestria has any hope!"
"You need to let us out, or Equestria doesn't stand a chance!"
"Rainbow, we've locked in this hideous dungeon for 3 days with no chance of escape, and some of the worst hay I've ever eaten."
"Rainbow, we've been locked inside of this hideous cell for three days, with no chance of escape; left with no food besides what is probably the worst hay I've ever eaten." idk, I think it would make more sense to say inside a cell, since a dungeon is a complex.
represent. We
represent, we
saucepans stick
saucepans stuck
ROYA"
ROYA--"
She looked up at him, and stopped. What in the hay was this thing? It was unlike anything else she'd ever seen in Equestria. In fact, was she even IN Equestria? All her sister told her to do was to get help, and after giving her some parchment with instructions, sent her off to Noponys land.
- I'd suggest making these into her thoughts
All her sister told her to do was to get help, and after giving her some parchment with instructions, sent her off to Noponys land.
All her sister told her was to get some help. After being given some parchment with instructions, she was sent to No pony's land.
"Tra... irrita... whatta.... huh?"
Thomas stammered, "Tra... irrita... whatta.... huh?" This is just a personal preference, you are free to keep it as is, if you want.
I'm sure you already know this, but if you didn't know, the word you're looking for is alicorn. I'm only saying this in case you truly don't know what they're called (can't be too careful
)
a....
a...An ellipsis has three dots, not two.
Thomas.."
Thomas..."
"This is going to be a long night for everypony," she said.
She said, "This is going to be a long night for everypony..."
Phew, didn't think I could write so much for so little. Other than this, this looks like it's off to an ok start. I'll see if this story pops up again on my home page.
interesting
It's pretty good so far. I do have to agree with 46042 though. They had some VERY good points that you should take into consideration.
I can't wait for more.
46042 Thank you so much! This is the best Critique I've ever received for anything I've done. Rest assured its gone straight to heart, and I hope the changes reflect this.
Again, Thanks!
Again, critiques are HEAVILY requested.
I feel very content with this chapter. Its about 4 times as long as the first chapter, which I feel is more of an introduction than a chapter, but nonetheless, I do feel very content with this. This is the first time I've ever tried a "Transformation" piece, and I think its one thing I'll never go back to again. It felt very weird for me to do it. Hence why I kind of moved away from it for a while.
But yes. What is it that Discord knows, that Thomas doesn't? Hopefully this will be explained in the next chapter. I hope I pulled Discord off. He seems it in my eyes, but I do wish that people tell me how I feel I've characterised them all.
Feel free to ask questions or raise any complaints to me :3
Hmm, pretty interesting start!
I see that Some Person helped you out so I'll just say that when it comes to the possessive form, it would be "thy name."
Thou = you
Thy = your
Hopefully later chapters are bit longer
Discord, you sneaky draconequas, you're telling them partial truths. Shame on you.
The transformation scene reminded me of the "Animorphs" books, what with the breaking of bones and stuff, but all numbed so that it wasn't painful. Is that a slight reference to that series? Anyway, good chapter and I'm looking forward to MORE!
46538 As a child, I loved the animorphs. I've not read one for years, but I suppose it could've been based on that subconsciously :3
Thanks for reminding me though. I'm gonna go read that series.
You're welcome. I think that you pulled off the transformation pretty well. I used to collect the "Animorphs" books, but I read them mostly out of order, and there were a bunch of them that I never read. I HATED the way that the series ended though. It was wrapped up well I suppose, but still... Moving on, I STILL fantasize about being able to morph... too bad I have a bunch of animal allergies, limiting my choices of animals considerably. After all, I wouldn't want to loose control of my morphing abilities and have to "sneeze" the D.N.A./morph out (That's how Ax described it, right?). I wonder if they could do partial morphs in order to make new animals (like centaurs, etc.). I wonder how the ponies would react to an Andalite. Ooh idea for a fan-fic: When Elfangor died he became a pony. Anyway, again good story and I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
♫♥I look forward to reading what happens next in your story♥♪
You know what I hate? Working on a chapter until 4 in the morning because you can't sleep, and then accidentally closing it and losing everything.
Nonetheless, this chapter is up finally. I'm now off to work. Critiques again, are heavily requested. Be as blunt as you deem necessary.
I feel quite pleased to finally have Thomas meet up with Twilight. Originally, he was going to have his pony name in this chapter, but since I lost everything, I kinda lost that bit. It'll come up again though. I mean, Thomas isn't allowed to tell anypony else he's a human, after all.
Your thoughts on everything?
I'll be as blunt as humanly possible.
MAKE. MOAR. NAO!
I agree, with Sweetie_Belle_Derelle.
47663 Well, I best not upset those Flutterage emotes any more than I already have! Eep! *Types away manically*
47756 I'll try my hardest to lengthen the chapters out more. I just feel that I may be adding too much into it. I'll give it a shot on the next chapter, and if its not liked due to the length, I'll revert to around 1800-2200 words per chapter.
Well, I know this is a short chapter, But I know that dragging on is a horrible thing to do in stories.
I've always wanted to try and make a serious Discord. Considering he's shown as insanely cocky throughout the show (Well, the two episodes he was in), I wanted to show a darker side, of the dark side, if that made sense.
I'll admit, I didn't plan on Discord kidnapping anypony, but when he got into the library, and Rainbow still hadn't awoken, I felt it was too good an opportunity to pass up.
Again, Critiques are heavily requested. I can't get better without feedback. I know I said I'd make this chapter longer, and I tried. I really did, but Its one of those chapters where you can't add any more to it, if you know what I mean? I'll make up for it with a Super Duper Extra Crazy Chapter next time
I've already got it planned out. My question to you is: Should I separate it into two chapters and upload them both at the same time? Or should I upload it as one chapter? You decide!
With Rainbow Dash taken as a hostage, How are the Mane 6 minus 1 and add a random OC going to cope? Anybody have any ideas on whats going to happen?
I was really interested in reading more. Then you turned him into pony. Fuck.
This is a pretty good story.
Maybe before they think of a way to save Rainbow Dash, Thomas could atleast interact with town.
img.chan4chan.com/img/2009-07-10/1247256377847.jpg
fantastic
Wish you hadn't rushed past the whole ponys vs the main character thing but either way im still enjoying this story, please continue.
I tend to be working on chapter five from now until the airing of the next pony episode.
Well... actually, I'ma go grab my dinner first (I'm australian) and I will THEN work on the ponyfic.
See you all in about... 5 hours, based on my watch.
I know I said I'd make this chapter super duper long, but I simply can't. Again, I feel like I'd be dragging things on.
I'll say it once, and I'll say it again, critiques are Heavily requested.
The D'AWWW HAS BEEN DOUBLED!
Just one thing, It's the Everfree forest, not the Evergreen forest.
MOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR
interesting
49500 Thank you. Its been fixed
I personally, am unhappy with this chapter, in terms of quality, and timeliness. I intended to have one chapter per day, but with recent events and Christmas coming up, I've been forced to delay and deteriorate the quality. I wanted to do SO MUCH with this, but I simply couldn't.
This story will be wrapped up in 2-8 chapters time. I intend to have it finished before the 20th of December.
Whats this new plan? Why doesn't Rainbow have too much time? Find out whenever I get the next chapter done. Again, apologies for the lack of quality. I may go back to this story early 2012 and redo it, fix up the many errors I see in this.
Critiques are heavily requested as per usual. You guys do a great job with critiques, so please keep on going! Tear this chapter apart, because I feel its lacking in so many places.
Oh snap! By Odin's chest hair, you've got quite the story coming along.
I couldn't find much fault with this except for a slightly bare-bones plot progression.
No fluff in your sandwich, as they say. Why not fill us in on Discord's history?
Speaking of that sneaky bastard,I really like how you've potrayed Discord. Having him become subservient to one of his own creations... What a twist! Keep up the good work, mate.
57203
By Merlin's Beard, this is a good story!
wait, what? ok, I'm lost and you should feel bad for it.
MOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
57203 Thank you very much on the Discord compliment. From the word go, I wanted to have him written well from the word go. I've never really written any character that is as evil or cocky as him, but at the same time, he's not stupid. He knows what he's doing, and even in the show, he stuffed up, causing his downfall. Thanks a lot. This means a lot. It means I got Discord right!
terrific
Okay guys, I'm REALLY SORRY. But I accidentally deleted chapter 7 just as I was about to upload it.
I know I wanted to get this finished before Christmas, but I kinda stuffed up and broke that because I was running more for Christmas Gifts. Sorry.
I will try and get the chapter up tonight. And as an apology, I'll try and get chapter 8 and 9 done too. In fact, I'll get all 3 of them done, and upload them all in one hit!
Also, I plan to have this run for 15 to 20 chapters. So if you think we're nearing the final climax, you're wrong. SPOILERS!