Life Between Death

by cierragp

Chapter 11 - Inner Thoughts (Pt.2)

I still don’t know what do.

Everything is just the same, the pain, the screeches, the tears, the blood…I don’t know where to start. It’s all too difficult for me.

I don’t want to see blood, not another drop. But it’s a reminder how powerless we all really are, as the ones who truly have control are the rulers.

We are their pawns, ones they can use for their enjoyment.

I feel like being just plain old ‘us’ still pointless – what’s the point of dying? Even in glory, I still feel the same.

Friendships aren’t the same for me, not anymore. Life and death are entwined between each other, so much that it’s impossible to separate them at all. Life comes with the price of deaths, and deaths bring out new lives. It’s almost impossible, a concept old as time yet complicated as the thousand year puzzles – the ones with absolutely no key.

How…how has it come to this point? Everyone thought the war would end months ago, but it’s now nearly a year, with absolutely no result, except the countless deaths of innocents, attacks on cities – attacks on all, so to speak. But Celestia is not doing anything. Princess – now Queen Celestia, is not doing anything, apart from validating the contracts for foreign traders and visiting our camps every once in a while.

The rulers aren’t doing anything. Any further, they could be the ones ruining our country.

To me, this is all a child’s game. Still the same as how it was before. There wasn’t any change, any difference,

How? How has it come to this point? The point that I don’t even know myself, who I am, what I do, or even simply what is my life? Is my life only a ruse? A sweet dream that’ll open up to the horrors soon?

But haven’t we suffered enough?
~~~
I’m still awake.

It’s already ten; Lightning has a watch now. I always feel as if I should hear more than just one snore – Scootaloo’s as well.

Despite her being in the hospital, being safe, but I still feel as if it was my entire fault. I should have told her not to run off, but I didn’t.

How is she going to deal with the fact that I am actually her mother? I’ve already hurt her enough to last a lifetime. How am I going to explain, that sending her off was for her own good, not for me. I really did wish that I had told her who I truly was, instead of maintaining a mask that’ll crack anytime soon.

Why does this have to happen to us?

Why do we have to live in such a harsh, unforgiving time?

Scootaloo doesn’t deserve all this trouble. But I can’t save her. I can’t save anyone anymore, not even myself. How has it come to this point? It was peace, some faded and damaged yellow paper, and then most of us were standing on bombed plains with no idea how to fight or even live.

How?
~~~
I still do remember those good days, when everything was perfectly fine.

Normally the majority of us would forget them as quickly as possible, to avoid the unnecessary tears and anguish that they were only memories.

I still want to see the blue sky again, to feel the spring breeze against my wings, and to see what the world really is. All I really know is that the world isn’t a cloud of smoke and gruesome injuries. They could be a part, but certainly not someone’s entire world.

Which, unfortunately, was mine.

I didn’t know what was my world anyhow.
~~~
The infirmary is a grim place.

Everyone knows that.

Most ponies don’t get out of there alive; rather, they are wheeled out in a gurney, tucked under sheets of blank plastic, and delivered with expressions as blank as their blankets to the mass grave. It’s been a long time ‘tradition’ to call it the ‘Garden Pit’ instead of what it used to be called: the Grave.

I hate needles and kitten nails and everything that reminds me of them; Fluttershy had adopted many kittens, and they certainly took liberties when scratching me.

As the red blood dripped down, drop by drop, Soarin came in. He was almost silent like a panther, but I knew he didn’t want to disrupt me. I had no idea what was wrong with my temper, but I had the habit of breaking ponies whenever they pissed me off. Certainly not mine – or theirs, for the matter – idea for fun.

Soarin sat down softly beside my chair, holding something behind his back.

“You know,” He whispered softly, “you didn’t have to do that for me. You shouldn’t be the one hurt.”

“Why? Why are you even doing this to me?” I had no idea why he was talking like that.

“I don’t want you hurt.” He said softly, wrapping a wing around me. “I don’t like it when you cry, or look as if in pain.” The hurt in his face was evident as he turned around slightly. “Please. Promise me that you won’t hurt yourself like this for me.”

I heard every last word at least three times as they echoed in my mind.

I knew that it was a promise I could never keep.

If there was a chance that I felt I could fulfill Soarin’s request, it was all gone by the third time the words floated around my mind.

I wanted to scream NO! I can’t! right there and then but I kept my mouth shut. That doesn’t help though. Soarin’s just way too kind in our opinions – Lightning, mine, Thunderlane’s and the list goes on.

I had nothing left to say.
~~~
Being in the hospital totally sucks.

Every time you want to get some sleep, the wail of someone that sounds like a banshee rings through the thin walls. They aren’t actually walls though; the barriers are actually waterproof materials that had been set up so ponies like us could get a bit of peace, but that doesn’t really happen here. Trust me, everyone has a testament to this.

The lights are off, but the patter of the rain outside was a distraction. I couldn’t help but think back to what Soarin was saying earlier. He didn’t want me hurt…but I couldn’t help but think that he meant something else as well.

I told myself I was being stupid.

Soarin would never love me, simple as that. I was being stupid for thinking that love would exist for me in war, and he would be stupid for liking me at a time like this. Both of us would be completely insane and idiotic for having love.

I had no idea what I was thinking.

But when I thought back to how warm his embrace was, how kind he had been to me, I realized that there was nothing I could do about it.

I was in love with Soarin.

Comments

[Easy breezey]

the feels I FEEL SO SORRY FOR MOMMY!!! ANG FIRST

[cierragp]

7809603
Really? I can write the feels now?!!! WHOOOHOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM NO LONGER A ROBOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[cierragp]

7809388

FEEEEEELLLLLSSSSS>.........

[Easy breezey]

7811397 NOOO THE FEEELS ARE ATTACKING ME!!!

[Easy breezey]

7810560 lol

[cierragp]

7811468
7811467

[Easy breezey]

7811489 GODDAMN IT PINKIE STOP ATTACKING ME!!!!!!!!

[cierragp]

7811546

WHOOHOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LET'S PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[cierragp]

7811514

THE ATTACKS OF THE PINKIES>>>>>>>>>> COMMENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Easy breezey]

7811557 NOOOOOooooooooo..... *drowns in oinkie pies* ues I said oinkie pie GOT A PROBLEM EITH TAH HUH?!

[cierragp]

7811560

Nope...cause it's OINKIE PIE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[cierragp]

7811560

MAH MASTERPIECE!