Cadence, ever since she had become a leader, had never had much time with Twilight. Shining wants to change that with a camping trip. Sex ensues. Commissions from Malkavian74, inspired by Ugly-Duckling123
I know you already said that the story is unedited, so if you'd like me to remove my edits, I definitely will.
other lover facets of this
Maybe *lovelier?
gotta bit more cushion for the pusin
What is that last word supposed to be? Just wondering...
and I got dirty in my fur...Thanks for excusing me from helping with putting up camp. I'll come back, and I'll be sure to help you."
and I got dirty in my fur...
Thanks for excusing me from helping with putting up camp. I'll come back, and I'll be sure to help you."
This isn't wrong, but it sounds weird. Maybe "I've got dirt in my fur"?
And "Thanks for letting me clean up first. I'll be back..."
new equipment of her'spurple eyes of her'sthat old system of her's
new equipment of her's
purple eyes of her's
that old system of her's
I'm like 90% sure that this should be *hers.
water clouded only a light bit
Again, I don't think you're wrong, but maybe you meant *a little bit? Also, there are two spaces between "clouded" and "only".
It just so happened, that this would
I'm pretty sure that the comma is unnecessary.
actually get to cleaning herself. off.
Extra period.
P-Please this is awfully embarrassing
I really am not the best with commas, but I think I you need to add one comma after "P-Please".
me feel sorta..."Twilightbeen,"Sorry I can'tand all,"she saiddirection,"Alright! I'mCadence,"You cangrin,"Sorry that
me feel sorta..."Twilight
been,"Sorry I can't
and all,"she said
direction,"Alright! I'm
Cadence,"You can
grin,"Sorry that
Add a space after/before (as required) the quotation mark.
This chapter was great! Definitely ready for chapters 2 and 3.
How in the wide, wide world of Equestria and Earth did i inspire you to write this?
oh my god there is some futa shit
I know you already said that the story is unedited, so if you'd like me to remove my edits, I definitely will.
Maybe *lovelier?
What is that last word supposed to be? Just wondering...
This isn't wrong, but it sounds weird. Maybe "I've got dirt in my fur"?
And "Thanks for letting me clean up first. I'll be back..."
I'm like 90% sure that this should be *hers.
Again, I don't think you're wrong, but maybe you meant *a little bit? Also, there are two spaces between "clouded" and "only".
I'm pretty sure that the comma is unnecessary.
Extra period.
I really am not the best with commas, but I think I you need to add one comma after "P-Please".
Add a space after/before (as required) the quotation mark.
This chapter was great! Definitely ready for chapters 2 and 3.
How in the wide, wide world of Equestria and Earth did i inspire you to write this?
oh my god there is some futa shit