On a walk home from the Ponyville Marketplace Twilight heard a sonic rainboom. At this, she jumped, looked up at the sky above her, where rainbow-maned pegasus hovered, one she is good friends with. It was her friend Rainbow Dash. When Twilight looked up at Rainbow she saw that she was smirking which made Twilight ask, "What are you doing Rainbow!?"
"Catching up to my best friend."
Twilight looked confused and said,"Really, I'm your best friend? Now that is very hard to believe."
"Now is it really that hard to believe that you and I could be best friends?"
"Well, I have to get these groceries back to the castle before Spike decides to freak out and come searching for me."
"Ok, do you want me to help you? I could get them there faster."
Twilight looked confused, as Rainbow never offers to help anypony without a good reason,"Why?"
"What, is it really that hard to believe that I would help a friend in need? I do embody the Element Of Loyalty."
"Good point, but still you rarely help anypony, except for Applejack and Scootaloo, and you only help them because it usually benefits you as well."
"Fine if you don't want my help then I'll just go. Bye Twily."
A confused Twilight said,"Did you just call me Twily? And I didn't say no to your help either."
Rainbow quickly said,"No, I said Twilight. You're just hearing things."
Twilight sighed and told Rainbow to take her share of the groceries. As they walked Twilight asked,"Hey Rainbow, I was wondering what did you want to talk to me for?"
"Well, I just thought you needed help so I flew over here to help you."
"Ok, well then why did you have to cause a sonic rainboom to get over here, you couldn't really have been that far away if you saw I needed help?"
"Actually I was over on the top of my house which as you know is almost 40 km away from the marketplace, and it looked like you needed help asap."
"Ok. Well, we're here and thanks for helping me.
Off behind a window, Spike was watching as Twilight opened the door and saw Rainbow skipping girlishly and happily away toward the train station. At this Spike was confused, because Rainbow never ever acted girly in public and the Castle is only like 3 km away from any important part of town.
"Hey Twi did you notice that while you were coming in Rainbow was skipping away like a love-struck school girl, and on that note why was Rainbow helping you? She's not the type of pony to help anypony without good reason?"
"First no I didn't notice, second Rainbow skipping away like a love-stricken school girl is very, very hard to believe, and third she said she wanted to help me, no big reason behind it."
"Well, all of that is true, about her skipping away. Also, you got a letter from Cadence sent by Celestia saying,' Congratulations on the new relationship! I hope you two young mares have a long-lasting relationship.' "
Looking utterly confused Twilight said,"Does it really say that? Because first I'm not in a relationship and second even if I was how- nevermind I forgot she's the Princess of Love. But the only ponies I ever loved are Rainbow and these two colts from "Celestia's School For Gifted Unicorns", but yet again they were colts, not mares. Wait, do think maybe Rainbow loves me because then that would make sense. Cadence can sense when two ponies that are in love and near each other and both saying or thinking about the other."
"No that wouldn't make sense, because remember Twi that Rainbow said and I quote ' She's too cool to date anypony that is an egghead' like she said last Hearts and Hooves Day to one of the "egghead" colts who asked her to be her special somepony."
"Yeah, but think about Rainbow is the only mare I ever loved as a special somepony. She also decided to help me with my groceries, causing a sonic rainboom in the process, and Cadence thinks I'm dating somepony and a mare nonetheless."
"Now that you say it that way, it does make a lot of sense."
"Well, maybe you should ask her out, because with the way it sounds she would say yes for sure," Spike said sneakily.
"Well, maybe I'll ask her tomorrow."
"Come on Twi you know you want to."
"But what if she says no to me, then what?" Twilight said with her ‘oh no, I need to study for this test or I'm going to go back to magic kindergarten’ voice?
"Well if she says no, then she says no. You two will still be friends."
"Ok, but I'm still not going to ask her until tomorrow. Hey did you make breakfast yet?" Twilight said avoiding the conversation.
"No, because we didn't have eggs, flour, or milk. Remember that's why you went to the marketplace."
"Right, well then can you go start breakfast, all this talk of love and relationships is making me hungry and by the sound of it you're hungry as well," Twilight laughed after Spike's stomach growled.
"Ok, but remember this discussion isn't over."
"Fine just make sure not to burn my eggs or my pancakes."
"I know, I know. Do you want your eggs scrambled, sunny-side up, or an omelet?"
"Chef's choice today."
"One egg surprise coming right up."
"Ok, I'll be in the library so come and get me when it's done."
"Don't worry I'll get you."
30 minutes later
"Twilight, breakfast is done and you have a few visitors."
"Who are they? Anypony I know?"
"Yes all three of them, and you know them very, very well. As for who they are you'll just have to come out here and see."
"Fine. I'll be out in a second, and make sure to offer them some food."
"Ok, but be prepared."
Twilight was about to ask why when she heard voices down the hall making her realize that two of the three ponies that are here are Cadence and Rainbow Dash, which in turn made her not want to go out there for fear that the third pony was her brother.
After she got out of the library to face whoever was here she started smelling her brother's cologne which only made her worry even more. But before she could run she started smelling her favorite flowers, purple lilacs, and also a perfume, but she knew it wasn't Cadence's because she hated perfume.
When Cadence finally sensed Twilight's magic she said,"There you are Twilight I thought you wouldn't come out here."
"Why wouldn't I come? It's only you, Shining Armor, and Rainbow Dash, in other words my brother, my best friend, and my sister-in-law."
"Well- wait can I talk to you out in the hall for a second?"
"Sure Cadence."
After they left the room Cadence asked,"Wait, did you not get my letter?”
"I did, but I didn't ask Rainbow out yet. Please tell me that when you got here Rainbow Dash was here already?"
"Yes she was trust me, I may be obsessed at times, but I'm not rude or evil."
"Ok then why is Shining here? Please tell me you made sure to tell him not to say anything just in case?"
"Yes, I told him not to say a word to Rainbow just in cause I was sensing thoughts and not words again. And as for why he is here, he said he wouldn't let me go unless I let Sunburst and Thorax watch Flurry Heart and that he made me bring him, because your his sister."
Twilight laughed and said,"That does sound like him, but do you know why Rainbow is here?"
"I have a feeling that you'll find out."
Twilight sighed.
As the two came back into the dining room they saw Rainbow sitting holding flowers and Shining eating like a pig and thanking Spike for his masterful cooking. The first of the five to say a word was Rainbow,"Hey Twi could I talk to you outside, I need to ask you something."
"Sure Rainbow."
A few minutes later
When they finally got outside the castle, through the back door for public safety, Rainbow said,"First I wanted give you these," as she handed Twilight the purple lilacs, and continued with a shy tone,"and second I was wondering if you... if you.. willyoubemymarefriend?"
Without even thinking Twilight screamed,"YES! Yes I'll be your marefriend!"
"It's fine I- wait are you serious?"Rainbow said in a questioning and surprised tone. Twilight then nodded her head.
"I love you so much Twily!"
"Oh, and if you were wondering why Cadence and my brother are here-," Twilight said before she was interrupted.
"Oh I already know. I asked Shining Armor for his blessing while you and Cadence were talking in the hallway and he told me that he and Cadence came to say hi to you and get some of Spike's delicious cooking"
Twilight laughed and said,"I think he semi-lied to you, because Cadence sent me a letter earlier after you left to go wherever you went saying 'Congratulations on the new relationship! I hope you two young mares have a long lasting relationship.' and it came through Celestia's dragon-mailing system. Also is 'Twily' your nickname for me now?"
"Wait, you found out that I loved you right after I left to go ask Celestia to get me your favorite flowers straight from the Canterlot Royal Gardens? Why did Cadence think you and I were already in a relationship?"
"Oh did you forget that Cadence is the Princess of Love?" blushing Rainbow nodded her head yes,"Don't worry, I forgot once today as well. As for keeping the whole town from finding out, we’ll have to make sure Pinkie Pie is the last one of our friends or family we tell."
"Yeah, because once Pinkie knows so does half of Equestria," Rainbow said while laughing.
Only half? Pinkie must be losing her touch.
The dialogue feels too rushed for me.
for a first time its ok
dashes house is 40km away and she spotted twilight fuck her eyes are good
your ponies seem to know stuff they shouldnt and dialog is robotic and rushed
Try to make the dialogue seem more casual, and the conversations are kinda blockish. They seem a little ooc, but I'm sure you can fix that. But for a first story, it's pretty good!
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Well some parts of Equestria she can't go to, but I love it when people are trying to be humorous.
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Ok, the 40 km = 24.9 miles and when your in love your body reacts much quicker when it sees who you love.
What do you mean by knowing stuff they shouldn't or robotic dialog?
Thanks for the compliments(I'm actually still in high school) and I should be able to post new chapters every 1-2 weeks with a most of 18 days.
7615455
I'm not good with dialogue yet, because this is my very first attempt at writing anything close to a fanfic or book. Sorry, but if you have any ideas for future chapters message me through my profile and make sure to add "Ideas" in the subject line.
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If you want to give me ideas message me from my profile page with "ideas" in the subject line
7615640 it's pretty good, however. It is way too fast paced but that comes with experience.
I suggest you to not rush with that story too much. You could wrote 3 chapters from that first one you wrote. If you will slow down and maybe focused on some details you can get pretty good chapter in lenght and not confused someone with all that rush. But al concept on story is very good and i will look forward for next chapters.
Also you should be more spontaneous in your stories to get emotions and reality like in real life.
Why am I even telling you this?! I don't know bucking thing about writing fanfics! I can only hope that my comment here will help you in some way.
Okay. I'm going keep this calm, but comprehensive.
The highlight for me is Rainbow Dash's characterization. Of all the stories I've read, I've never seen anyone write her trying to be coy and failing, which is very *Dash*. You could have done some things to make that more effective that you didn't do, but it was a solid baseline. I'd like to see you vary up your word choice a bit. 'Confused' was a crutch for you, It's all you used to describe Twilight, and it's all you could use to come back to another character's reaction to something later.
Twilight doesn't only suffer from one-note character descriptions, but in that being her whole characterization--just confused. There's more to someone's character when they're confused other than that they're puzzled. Is Twilight annoyed at Rainbow Dash badgering her? Rolling her eyes at an obvious attempt to insinuate something with her constant emphasis, even if Twilight doesn't pick up on what Rainbow Dash is getting at? Maybe she's bantering and Rainbow Dash keeps throwing her off her game. I unno, though, because there's not a whole lot there to the description. I want you to imagine *why* each character is talking and tell me why they're continuing to have the discussion that they're having. Even if it's not something the characters consciously think about or even realize. It colors how they interact and makes it seem natural, like how real people have conversations.
Dialogue doesn't improve things. Does she deliver her lines with wry amusement, or is she exasperated? Some of what you've written seems to have been intended to sound a certain way, but I can't be *sure* as to exactly what it is you're driving at. Not to mention some of it is hampered by sounding unnatural and forced. You use what I cal 'Plot Phrases' a bit. A good example would be the episode, "Look Before you Sleep", when at the end, they harp on, "attention to detail," These phrases are presented the same way, in the same phrasing, to try to hammer in a point to the audience when the writer doesn't believe in the audience's intelligence or doesn't know how to deliver the information organically. When you show Twilight reacting to the romance, it feels like her reactions are more to let us know information about how the story is progressing than being anything natural.
I won't harp on grammar or structure. You know that it isn't good--not going to go into it. That comes with time and effort. Take the effort to learn it, though; don't use any excuses to keep you from learning it. Still, I'd say that *for now*, putting the focus on making your characters act more like people and speak more like people are the priority for you.
a little fast paste but i like it