• Member Since 4th Apr, 2016
  • offline last seen 10 hours ago

BronyWriter186


My OC was using the PonyLumen 3D pony generator

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Rainbow has loved Twilight since she first saw her even though she looked like a complete egghead, and her getting wings only made her even hotter, but what she didn't know was that Twilight loved Rainbow since first sight as well. After Rainbow finally gets the guts to ask Twilight out how will she keep them together?
(** next to the chapter's title means that the chapter has been updated(if I update it again I'll add a star to the end))
*Sex Tab is in there for mentions of sex, without descriptions of it.
*The Other tab has replaced Spike, Cadence, and Shining Armor to have Spike, Shining Armor, Princess Cadence, and Discord, and others, because I can only have 5 characters max.
*This takes place 2 years after Season 6 Episode 16 "The Times Are A Changeling" and ignores all events that happen afterward(in the show)
*Pregnancy is based on a normal human pregnancy length(not a pony pregnancy length)
*The alternate universe tab is there due to everything past S6 E16 in the show being vastly different than what happens in this story.
*Some other stories that I have read are referenced, or even implemented, in this story, these stories include the entire Bride of Discord series (by DisneyFanatic23), Spellbound Fireflies(by bats), Twilight Gets A Puppy (by TDR), others may be included later
My grammar editor is Knight N Gale and some of my family members; currently.

Chapters (8)
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Comments ( 39 )

"Yeah, because once Pinkie knows so does half of Equestria," Rainbow said while laughing.

Only half? Pinkie must be losing her touch.

The dialogue feels too rushed for me.

for a first time its ok

dashes house is 40km away and she spotted twilight fuck her eyes are good

your ponies seem to know stuff they shouldnt and dialog is robotic and rushed

Try to make the dialogue seem more casual, and the conversations are kinda blockish. They seem a little ooc, but I'm sure you can fix that. But for a first story, it's pretty good!:pinkiehappy:

7614929
Well some parts of Equestria she can't go to, but I love it when people are trying to be humorous.

7615205
Ok, the 40 km = 24.9 miles and when your in love your body reacts much quicker when it sees who you love.
What do you mean by knowing stuff they shouldn't or robotic dialog?

Thanks for the compliments(I'm actually still in high school) and I should be able to post new chapters every 1-2 weeks with a most of 18 days.

7615455
I'm not good with dialogue yet, because this is my very first attempt at writing anything close to a fanfic or book. Sorry, but if you have any ideas for future chapters message me through my profile and make sure to add "Ideas" in the subject line.

7615054
If you want to give me ideas message me from my profile page with "ideas" in the subject line

Why did you change this to Teen? It's obviously Mature.

Comment posted by BronyWriter186 deleted Oct 4th, 2016

7615931
I believed it fell more into the teen area by just a tiny bit.
If you want me to change it, please elaborate on it a little more. I'm always willing to listen to anyone who wants to help me improve.

7616024

Before Twilight could finish her sentence her new-found cock was in something soft and juicy. "Now that's the face I like to see. Now that I have complete control I can speed this up as fast as I please."
At that last comment Twilight's smile grew, and by the looks of it Rainbow wasn't going to slowdown until one or both of them came.

That is not Teen rated.

7616024
I'm going to have to agree with Formerly Committed here. That little bit Formerly pointed out, it felt borderline actually describing that act -though not entirely, it was kinda borderline but still didn't feel like 'implied' enough to be safe- which puts it over the 'teen' rating. Also, the fact you actually mentioned size kinda feels like really went over more than "into the teen area by a tiny bit".

That aside, the pacing is rather fast, and character's verbal exchanges seem a bit off in my opinion; but, hey, it's your first story, and you're bound to stub your toe/hoof a couple of times. Everyone has to start somewhere, right? It isn't bad for a first fanfic, I'm certainly liking the premise you're going for, and I'll admit a few a points were kinda amusing.

My advice right now would be to practice on the pacing of your story. It's okay for things to progress a little slower than you have them now. Also, if you're hoping to keep this closer to 'teen', you might wanna find ways to make any sexual mentions you plan to do to be a bit more in the 'implied' or 'suggested' range.

7615640 it's pretty good, however. It is way too fast paced but that comes with experience.

7621004
I actually have a blog post on the speed of the chapters and a few other things at the link below:
Story Schedule Change

I suggest you to not rush with that story too much. You could wrote 3 chapters from that first one you wrote. If you will slow down and maybe focused on some details you can get pretty good chapter in lenght and not confused someone with all that rush. But al concept on story is very good and i will look forward for next chapters.

Also you should be more spontaneous in your stories to get emotions and reality like in real life.

Why am I even telling you this?! I don't know bucking thing about writing fanfics! I can only hope that my comment here will help you in some way. :twilightblush:

7630579
You're right I actually plan on slowing the chapters down a lot to create a better plot line.

Aaaaghhh toooo faaast! My brain hurt! :applejackconfused:
It's too fast for me. I'm not Rainbow Dash :rainbowwild: Also try to write how everything looks. Like how that hotel or room looks like because it will add to your story more words and it will be even more interesting. And pleas go a little slower but if you can't then I need to deal with it. :trollestia:

7667347
I'll try my best to add a more enjoyable plot line for everyone and try to make the story "come-to-life"

7637532

"I even have a spell that gives me the cock, but makes the cum not work."

That is extremely ooc for Twilight. I can't honestly see her saying something like that this early into a relationship. Rainbow, definitely, but not Twi

There's quite a few ooc moments for both of them actually?

And when did this happen?

"I have seen alicornite ear piercings before. Oh, and please tell me you gave her a wing feather necklace."

you never showed them giving those things to each other.

And the whole Daring Do is her sister bit, that came of nowhere. Something like that you have to build up to. If you ask me, you should get a proofreader or a content editor. Your grammar and punctuation is pretty good, but you should get someone who can help slow your pacing, and tell you how to show, rather than tell things.

Still for a first ever story, it's pretty good

Scratch that. You do need a grammar editor as well. Pm me and I'll explain

Ok I know you said you weren't going to follow the actual 11 month equine pregnancy cycle, but 5 months!? That's not even feasible. A human pregnancy is 9 months. So equines being larger, require a longer time. Seriously need to edit your story

Okay. I'm going keep this calm, but comprehensive.

The highlight for me is Rainbow Dash's characterization. Of all the stories I've read, I've never seen anyone write her trying to be coy and failing, which is very *Dash*. You could have done some things to make that more effective that you didn't do, but it was a solid baseline. I'd like to see you vary up your word choice a bit. 'Confused' was a crutch for you, It's all you used to describe Twilight, and it's all you could use to come back to another character's reaction to something later.

Twilight doesn't only suffer from one-note character descriptions, but in that being her whole characterization--just confused. There's more to someone's character when they're confused other than that they're puzzled. Is Twilight annoyed at Rainbow Dash badgering her? Rolling her eyes at an obvious attempt to insinuate something with her constant emphasis, even if Twilight doesn't pick up on what Rainbow Dash is getting at? Maybe she's bantering and Rainbow Dash keeps throwing her off her game. I unno, though, because there's not a whole lot there to the description. I want you to imagine *why* each character is talking and tell me why they're continuing to have the discussion that they're having. Even if it's not something the characters consciously think about or even realize. It colors how they interact and makes it seem natural, like how real people have conversations.

Dialogue doesn't improve things. Does she deliver her lines with wry amusement, or is she exasperated? Some of what you've written seems to have been intended to sound a certain way, but I can't be *sure* as to exactly what it is you're driving at. Not to mention some of it is hampered by sounding unnatural and forced. You use what I cal 'Plot Phrases' a bit. A good example would be the episode, "Look Before you Sleep", when at the end, they harp on, "attention to detail," These phrases are presented the same way, in the same phrasing, to try to hammer in a point to the audience when the writer doesn't believe in the audience's intelligence or doesn't know how to deliver the information organically. When you show Twilight reacting to the romance, it feels like her reactions are more to let us know information about how the story is progressing than being anything natural.

I won't harp on grammar or structure. You know that it isn't good--not going to go into it. That comes with time and effort. Take the effort to learn it, though; don't use any excuses to keep you from learning it. Still, I'd say that *for now*, putting the focus on making your characters act more like people and speak more like people are the priority for you.

ok 1 question if a pegasus and a...... wait is rainbow getting gypped of becoming an alicorn because twilight already is an alicorn so the the whole pegasus unicorn thing also im out the story had promise but pacing issues and deus ex machinas out the wazzoo have ruined it for me

8299642
First, no Rainbow Dash can still become a true alicorn even though Twilight is an alicorn already, because there is three types of alicorns: 1)True Alicorn, 2)Spell-made Alicorns, and 3)Born Alicorns. Twilight is obviously the 2nd type and True Alicorns look different than spell-made alicorns so if Twilight and Rainbow experience a act of true love yes the two of them could become true alicorn, but the idea may happen. Second, what do you mean by:

im out the story had promise but pacing issues and deus ex machinas out the wazzoo have ruined it for me

this.

>>mainly pacing is the problem that and you throwing out Lordships and ladyships like they're going out of style

8299804
Royalty is like that in most history, because the lords and lady don't make since unless it's close friends and family.

Oh look. Twi-Dash shipping...and handling.

a little fast paste but i like it

not to sound mean but no just no with some yes

8715090
i hope some explinations are given as to oh hey rianbow daring do is your sister you know

8715094
Sorry no just some head canon based on appearance

What the absolute fuck did I just read???:applejackconfused:
Still liked it though. :twilightsmile:

9384886
Thanks I really appreciate it and if you ever have any ideas for the story feel free to message me about them

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