First off, I want to say I'm enjoying the story and that you're updating so frequently. I'd like to point out a few things, though.
You do some telling-not-showing in this chapter, like here:
Both she and Dash paused for a moment as if remembering something bad.
Diamond Tiara frowned as if remembering something absolutely horrible.
You don't need to tell us they're remembering something horrible. You already talked about how the Anon-A-Miss incident went down, and Diamond just told us about her terrible dinner. We already know what they're remembering, so I suggest just having them frown or pause or shudder to let us know that the memory is fresh in their mind. Another example is here:
Besides the fact that the word is congratulations (with a t), we don't need the dialogue tag telling us that Rarity congratulated Sunset when Rarity literally just said, "Congratulations, darling." I suggest this:
“Oh yes. Congratulations, darling,” Rarity said.
Which brings me to my next point. When a quote ends in a period, but the sentence itself doesn't end, replace the period with a comma, like I did above. Sure, the quote itself ended, but the quote wasn't the end of the sentence, said was, the quote being simply what Rarity said (that is, the object of the sentence). This is also, by the way, the reason you don't capitalize a non-proper noun after a quote, even if the quote ends in a question mark or exclamation mark, like so:
"Do you want to go to the store?" he asked.
That was never a mistake I saw you make, but consider it an addendum to what I got done talking about.
Lastly, don't capitalize five when you're referring to the main cast. They're not called the Humane Five in-universe, so just stick with "the five" (as in, the five girls).
Anyway, I hope this helps. I'm really looking forward to reading more of your story. Good luck in this and your future endeavors !
Ok No No no no no If this is story is sunset in an abusive relationship story then realistically this would not have more than 2 chapters. This and and the next one of the girls kicking yhe ever loving shit out of the guy XD. Seriously ghe moment he grabbed her by the collar AJ and Dash would have decked him.
First off, I want to say I'm enjoying the story and that you're updating so frequently. I'd like to point out a few things, though.
You do some telling-not-showing in this chapter, like here:
You don't need to tell us they're remembering something horrible. You already talked about how the Anon-A-Miss incident went down, and Diamond just told us about her terrible dinner. We already know what they're remembering, so I suggest just having them frown or pause or shudder to let us know that the memory is fresh in their mind. Another example is here:
Besides the fact that the word is congratulations (with a t), we don't need the dialogue tag telling us that Rarity congratulated Sunset when Rarity literally just said, "Congratulations, darling." I suggest this:
Which brings me to my next point. When a quote ends in a period, but the sentence itself doesn't end, replace the period with a comma, like I did above. Sure, the quote itself ended, but the quote wasn't the end of the sentence, said was, the quote being simply what Rarity said (that is, the object of the sentence). This is also, by the way, the reason you don't capitalize a non-proper noun after a quote, even if the quote ends in a question mark or exclamation mark, like so:
That was never a mistake I saw you make, but consider it an addendum to what I got done talking about.
Lastly, don't capitalize five when you're referring to the main cast. They're not called the Humane Five in-universe, so just stick with "the five" (as in, the five girls).
Anyway, I hope this helps. I'm really looking forward to reading more of your story. Good luck in this and your future endeavors !
7498241 I've made some corrections to this chapter like you suggested. Hope you find it much better now. Thank you.
7500030 You're very welcome ! Glad I could help.
7505260 NO! We will have none of that here!
Any disrespectful comments to anyone will be deleted.
Can't wait to see chapter three.
can't wait for more
Ok
No
No no no no
If this is story is sunset in an abusive relationship story then realistically this would not have more than 2 chapters.
This and and the next one of the girls kicking yhe ever loving shit out of the guy XD.
Seriously ghe moment he grabbed her by the collar AJ and Dash would have decked him.
I’m gonna murder this Zak guy, then resurrect him, and murder him again.
Then have my dog take a dump all over his corpse!
...... Genuinely wish Orthros was here. God knows how much times those f*ckers dealt with guys like this.
Zak is really lucky my OC isn't around.
Oh dear Anubis they're all stupid and clingy. First you wanted her out of your sight now this? I can't even explain it.
Oh my goddess you guys are horrible.
8146494
Yeah, you're right