The Elements... And Me

by Doood

It's always the quiet ones... Right?

Chapter 14:

Sigh, there’s the headache. Yep. Thanks Twilight.

Alright, so I got this little doo-dad from some concerned mare named Spitfire. The thing was a clear sphere, and before you go slapping your faces (which would cause me to go to jail because of how my product inflicted pain), try not to worry or dwell too much on this subject. I can't see myself using this thing anytime soon.

Technically, I didn't even know double-tee-eff I was supposed to do with it. Crack it? Then what… poof? I'm good? Nah… That doesn't exactly sit right with me. Considering the other things that are happening, I don't feel as though cracking the ball is a good idea.

It's like I'm under house arrest, except I don't have a house. And I didn't do anything wrong except exist. Oh but the rulers of this fair and fine land wanted to, keep an eye on me, as Spitfire put it. Which seriously pissed me off to a point as to where I almost chucked the item of interest out the nearest window.

I'm not that evil, I didn't do it… Keep your shirts on! Besides, that would cause a calamity of screams and a bunch of ponies to poof into Celestia’s throne room. As funny as it sounds, we are all on some seriously thin ice because of the Chaotic elements… So it'd be one of those, I'm just gunna vaporize you because you did this, moments.

Anyway...

Mr. Cake had a No-Smoking policy written up about the time I left for Canterlot, which I was okay with as per he made the best cherry sodas I'd ever tasted. And that's what attracted customers here. So rather than me pulling out a fresh one and deciding to scare them off or away, Cake hand drew a red circle, put a line through it and called it a day after slapping a picture of me up there.

I was special.

Personally I think it's just a bit triggering, being as it may, directed only towards me. But nobody cares, so, I sipped away at my drink noisily and tucked the ball into my pocket. Spike had finished his drink a long time ago and was looking out the shop's large window.

Now, I would've asked him a question, probably an insanely dull one, and incited an air of awkwardness around us. Naturally, Spike would answer because Spike was cool like that. I would then proceed to grunt and make various lip flapping noises as I could try to make another seemingly innocent question.

IT WAS HARD TO FUCKING TALK TO A DRAGON, OKAY?!

Spike was just off in La-La land though. Like me after smoking p- I MEAN BEING A GOOD CITIZEN! While I sipped noisily, I tried snapping my fingers all up in his fazace! Unfortunately, did not work, so I sipped louder and tried to peer at what he was watching.

From first glance, all I could see was, Pony, Pony, another Pony, Smartly Dressed Pony, Dull Pony… And then I did one of those things where you try looking at where the eyes were trained on. So I spotted Spikes green eyes and looked back at the crowd.

Oddly enough, the Smartly Dressed Pony I had missed the first time, was none other than Rarity herself. She sported a wide brimmed hat, the signature curled dark purple… Which could be indigo… (I'm an idiot), -hair and wore an odd dress of gems! How I’d missed that I will never know as per she stood out like a broken thumb.

From the way Spike made goo-goo eyes at her, and how he was non-responsive, I flatbrowed immediately and sipped much… much louder...it got his attention after everyone else's.

I figured out yesterday, when Twilight asked me to go with her to tailor her a dress for something called, The Grand Galloping Gala (Blegh…), that Spike actually held the kind of emotional feeling for Rarity that you and I would refer to as a relationship between a cactus and a balloon. It won't work, question mark, question mark. But at the same time, what if it did? I'd be giving Spike hella daps if he went steady. Oh speaking of the devil!

“You okay there?”

I stopped sipping and smacked my lips, looking around the restaurant. “Good Soda.”

Almost everyone turned or rolled their eyes, just glad I'd stopped being a nuisance. But I resumed slurping after a long pause, as the chatter filled the place again. And because of such, Spike looked rather upset because of my interruption of his fapping- I mean… Justifiable Look-See.

Now in his defense, I will say that Rarity did have a keen eye on how to catch one. From my standpoint, I guess it was like she was a farmer's prized pony, which in this case would definitely win first place. Rhyming aside, I believe if I let loose that kind of information aloud, I might not receive very good attention afterwards.

So that is why I have this, and my thoughts to assault verbally and mentally. Yay(?)

Spike asked me the same question again and I answered truthfully, that of being, “Yes, just enjoying my pleasures one at a time.” He chuckled in his own way, which roused me to shuffle in my seat. I've made people laugh, made alicorns laugh, and hearing a dragon laugh… Well let's just say I'm quite satisfied with my life right now.

“Glad to hear that. Need to find some pleasures of my own.”

I choked on my drink and set it down abruptly, the thought of seeing Spike and Rarity… Dear God… I was happy about them getting together… BUT HOLY SHIP!!

“Dude, When Valentine's day comes around, you can go making all the soft crap you want with Rarity. But right now, I'm trying not to drink carbonated puke.”

Spike gasped, “I'm not… In that way?!- Oh you!-” After a while being unable to form words, he settled on sighing and rested a claw on his forehead. “Is it obvious?”

I muttered loudly in my cup, “Yep.”

“You can see it?”

“Plain as day.”

“What do you think.”

“About what?”

Spike shrugged, “I dunno. Chances?”

I curled my lip slightly and looked him up and down, “Slim.”

“That bad?”

“Do you want the Christmas version?”

“If it'll make me feel better.”

I smiled, “She’ll leave you with some cookies and a big fat ‘L’.”

Spike rubbed his chin, “Mm… She’ll give me cookies and love… I can dig it.”

Pfft! I'm… I'm sorry, it's just- this moment cracks me up every time. So you could probably imagine my reaction,

“If I had a cookie for every time I got an ‘L’, I'd be one happy sumbitch. Nice try though squirt.”

Spike crossed his arms and leaned forward slightly. Rarity had disappeared shortly after our incursion of questions, so Spike had his attention on me for the most part. Little did I know that she hadn't disappeared completely,

“Well what about you?”

“Me.”

Spike nodded, “You ever… Y'know, love someone?”

I crossed my arms and raised a simplistic brow, “If you had been anyone else, I would've said No. But that isn't the truth, so Yes. I do love someone, I have loved someone and that is the end of it.”

Spike smiled, showing a set of baby chompers, “So that also means you might be willing to share how you got their attention!”

I gasped, “Spike, you are the best fucking detective I have ever deduced as! How on Earth-”

“Equestria.” He corrected me.

“...how on Earth did you perceive of such a question…”

In all of his innocence, Spike said “You seem like somepony who'd know your way around that subject.”

I chuckled halfheartedly, actually taking his words for granted, “Yeah well if it were a grade, I'd receive an F… Maybe an F+.”

Spike cocked his head, “So, you said you loved someone! How was it?”

I licked my teeth in an attempt to dissuade myself from blurting out my inner feelings about it. In truth, I'd rather talk about Jackie because Jackie, I can see again…

“Look squirt…” I began, taking a breath, “I don't tell ponies or dragons or even alicorns about myself for a reason. I'm paranoid. And Love is the last thing you want to-”

I stopped and narrowed my eyes, looking around me in a quick sweep. Satisfied, I went back to talking,

(Just for those who don't know, I did that because The princess of love likes to but in with her big butt, so I have the habit of checking my shoulder every time I bring up this kind of conversation)

I said sincerely, “...Love is the last thing you want to be involved with…”

Spike blinked, “So... Not yet?”

I looked at the young dragon and opened my mouth to say ‘no- not yet’, but I was overcome with the sudden urge to not tell him that. I was just… I don't know, maybe it was just one of those emotions that resurfaces on occasion. Spike actually looked concerned for this small concept of that butterfly feeling in all of our stomachs.

Look. I'll be straight with you, that “L” word is a waste of space. It's just pointless in my eyes because of what I've had to go through. Why give your heart to someone if they just disappear on you like yesterday's thanksgiving turkey? But, I won't berate you with my choice words of hopelessness and my unlucky favoritism towards assholes.

I decided to scratch my head and sigh thoughtfully, “Ah… Spike…” Looking out the window, I saw several pairings coincidentally, and focused on how they seemed to melt in each others… hooves…

“Keep searching man. You'll find that one special someone.”

Spike chuckled, “I dunno. I may have already found her…”

“Someone other than Rarity.”

Suddenly, RARITY, “And who might that mare be?”

You would not believe how many feet I jumped into the air after hearing that posh voice, “EGADS, RARITY?! I UH…” My voice cracked, “*ahem*... I didn't realize you were spying upon our conversive natures.”

Rarity cocked her head and took her glasses off with her magic, “Spying? Hardly. I could hear the both of you outside.”

Spike about freaked out, “Y-YOU COULD?” He then said without missing a beat, “How much did you hear.”

Rarity laid eyes on me, “Only what Tick goes on about, somepony other than me.”

I chortled and crossed my hands, “It was a good topic. What can I say.”

Rarity tucked her glasses into her ear, “Something disregarding such abiding interests. Flattered as much as I may be, it's a bit strange to trot by and hear you two speaking as such.”

I looked to Spike and then back again, “Is that the only reason you came over to bother us? Or did you actually have something important to say?”

Rarity straightened, “I do.”

I flatbrowed, “Oh do tell…”

O.o.O.o.O

I kicked the dirt in anger, stupid Rarity…, I thought. Taking my little flaming buddy away from me like a fat kid and his twinkie. I nearly called her a bad word (again) and ran away with a fear most foul. It wouldn't have mattered at that moment considering we were about to leave for that damnable party.

But instead, I'm walking around like the big dope I am, feeling rather foolish. It's one thing to be in a world of ponies who are rather cautious of your existence. It’s another thing to have one pissed off at you.

And unfortunately for me, I tend to piss people off very quickly. So, Rarity in her glory, stole Spike (in which Spike put up no fight… traitor), and ran off basically. Probably because we got into an argument over who Spike should focus his feelings on, and I somehow called her a… two-headed sloth?

Apparently, Rarity dislikes the Oh...Sir! Insults I do, and pretty much took the phrase to heart. In order, she bitchslapped me, called me a testicle, stole the dragon and waltzed out of the store like a baws.

Okay, she didn't call me a testicle, but she said something close to it.

Now, like I said before, I'm just trying to find something to do. It's been a while since I was called a nut, and it's like… nearing midday. I haven't really seen anybody to bug, except for Pinkie. But she was all,

“SWEET SASAPHRASS!” And just… Poof. Disappeared in a cloud of pink smoke. Now, I would've tried to follow her, BUT, you don't exactly find Pinkie… Oh no…

Pinkie finds you.

Scary concept, right?

So yeah, there I was, walking and smoking, in that order, just minding my own biz-. Granted, it was a little dirt path, and my feet were starting to hurt, nobody could care though. I had found this little dirt road a while back and had just decided to follow it ‘cause… hey, who knows? Could be my next little adventure!

Well, I wasn't wrong in that mindset. See, this dirt path led to Fluttershy’s house. And her house is closest to the creepiest thing in Equestria- thus far.

The Everfree Forest.

I touched upon this place whilst verbally assaulting Twilight one day, learning a thing or two about the forest in a matter of a hour. Not to mention, I was told not to go here due to the elevated insanity rate of those who venture fortwith into it.

Honestly though, it just looks like a really depressed swamp, what with all the fog and all. I actually lived near a swamp for a few years… Which just so happened to be the worst years of my life. Why? Well,

Have you ever been camping? If you have, good for you, because I haven't. I’ve heard of some crazy stories though from those who have, ranging from desperate times spent eating bugs, to roasting s'mores over a fire. Me? I just had horrid sounds coming from the swamp invade my eardrums as I tried to sleep sometimes.

But as I drew closer to the forest of depression, the sounds that emanated from within didn't sound like bog frogs… Oh no… They legitimately sounded like demons.

Although I was, yes, far away, it's not very hard to hear a howl of territorial claim. As per the sound was an ungodly mixture of what sounded like a wolf, and sticks cracking harshly. What would be interesting, is the possible chance… Of talking wolves!

I mean, there are talking equines, dragons… Hell, even Applejack’s cows spoke Engrish. What I want to see is talking wolves. Then, my bucket list would be halfway complete. Filling the rest up would require playing an evil prank on the alicorn princesses one by one. Or maybe all at once, in repentance towards my insincere punishment… Which is being trapped… In Equestria…

I took a hefty puff of my cigarette, scanning the large acre of land to see if I could catch a glimpse of what was making the sounds. There were a few moments where I would think I saw something, like a scary shape, or glowing eyes, but they'd be something quite the opposite like a scary branch and glowing bugs. Debunked theories of what they were thought to be.

OR WERE THEY?! FAIRY ODD PARENTS!!

Speaking of the Princesses, did you know I haven't seen hide nor hair follicle of them since a brief visit in Canterlot? It is actually pretty damn scary. Normally, I'd expect Celestia to garfunkel into existence and nag me on for how I was doing, and what I'd be doing soon.

Now it's just… quiet. Even Dash has stopped bothering me… for the most part. However, I know what you're thinking, I don't forcefully throw myself under the bus. It just so happens that the bus driver hates my T-shirt and wants to vehicularly manslaughter me. So I'm not at fault there. I jump in front of the moving vehicle because I want to test the brakes. Weird concept, no? I call it my automobile analogy- which has a nice ring to it.

I trudged up the path to Fluttershy’s house taking my time to look around as I did so. There wasn't a real reason to look around, it was just my paranoia kicking in I suppose. Of course, I also wanted to gather a few pinpricks of information as I went along.

Like for example, I stubbed my toe earlier on a tree stump that was just put into the middle of the path. I know where it is now, and I will destroy it later. So yeah, there were pro's from taking a visual, like now I know there were trees, more trees, a bunny jumping up and down; flapping its furry arms wildly, flowers, pretty bumblebe-

Wait a second. Brain, rewind three seconds and asses the situation.

Oh, I am needed now. Hm. How peculiar. Well from first glance, I do believe the bunny is high. But now, Sir, it appears that this animal is trying to… communicate.

Amazing. Define ‘communicate’.

Well, judging by its hops of hope and mad flailing of paws, I sincerely doubt it is trying to exercise.

A very noteworthy assessment, brain.

I try, sir.

You are dismissed, asshole. Mocking my own stupidity in ways I cannot imagine. But brain was correct, that bunny wasn't trying to impress me with jumping jacks. Upon closer examination, I deduced that this animal was none other than that bunny Fluttershy owned amongst several others!

Ah yes, the white menace who I called a bro - ‘Angel’ I think his name was - scampered up to me, sides heaving and what have you, and proceeded to yank on my pants leg, beckoning me towards what I assumed was Fluttershy’s cottage.

“Whoa, take it easy buddy.” Yeah, I said buddy. Big word, and a big whup. I can be nice sometimes, “Take a deep breath. You good? Okay, now, Who's stuck in a well?”

Keyword being, sometimes.

Angel did not like the sudden smile I formed, and most certainly was not in any mood for jokes. He showed it in the form of the hardest punch to my kankles I have ever felt. Tough bastard he was,

“GAH! Sonuva… You- you are going to pay for that… C’MERE YOU LITTLE-”

(-In my defense, let me remind you that this is a bunny I am trying to catch. Why? Well the little bastard made me drop a good and freshly lit cigarette, second to last one also!! I WAS PISSED!)

Since when has a human, or anybody really, ever… Ever… Caught a bunny? On foot, without planning anything strategic? I might as well have been trying to catch my dreams. Because he was juuuusssstttt out of my reach.

Angel took me through dense bushes, made me run into a tree a few times, and actually juked me like I was some type of basketball player. Basically, I just got R’Koed in about forty-five seconds flat.

We both hopped across a small ravine that snaked just a few yards away from Fluttershy’s house, who I had actually meant to see. It was weird how fate worked out! Considering I just wanted to know how she was before the party…

I dread that interval and waste of life…

Going back to the Benny Hill’s themed chase music, Angel decided to hop through a tree, making me have to skid around that same wooden obstacle with a force most horrendous. Ended up almost belly flopping Fluttershy's cactus patch.

Y’know, is it just me, or does everything I bump or even run into have a warrant to be a fatal accident? Don't mind the fact that I almost got piercings at the age of 25, oh no. Mom and Pa would be furious if they learned of this, especially if they were given to me by Cacti. Or better yet, Don't heed it that I've run into a flying pegasus and received no concussion whatsoever.

This world is just retardedly crazy. One thing after the other, and I feel as though I've just run in a circle. Oh wait… I actually did with Angel.

Speaking of him, the guy broke my ankles; again, being this time, I didn't have anything nice for my face to plant on. A pillow would've been nice. Then that way I could've slept my pains away. But instead, Angel darted one way as I gained some leeway on him, and it freaked me out to the point where I was going too fast, and couldn't stop.

So instead of a pillow, I got some afternoon wood. And yes, my head hit the fence that circled the cottage with a sullen thud, inciting Angel to stop running and sputter in humor at my pain. All the while, I was trying to claw at the bunnies that circled my face in a stupor. Now, the fatal accident ramble comes into play.

“I'm… I'm… I'm huntin’ wabbits!”

But I was done playing games! It was funny the first couple of times, now it was just stupid. I stood drunkenly and pointed, “Yew… Trickster… Imma make sure… That the damn… Easter bunny… Ain't coming this year!”

I lunged forward with one arm pinned to my chest and another stuck out as though I were hailing something. Angel cried in terror and ducked, which to my never ending unlucky luck, I crashed into Fluttershy's cottage with a tumble of arms and legs.

Now a normal sane person would stay down. You just hugged a tree more than a hippy does in a year and basically ate more shit than a dung beetle. Me being me, which is a reference now by the way, I ended up groaning and tried to stand.

Although the world was cartoonish, it did not have the physics a cartoon would. So instead of being like Rainbow Dash and how often she fails by eating an intangible amount of shit, I instead plopped myself upon my rear and rubbed my head in dismay.

“Alright Angel. You win… little prick.” I'm burning in hell, I know. But I also lost my burner and cigarette packet while running with Angel. Proven, when I searched my pocketses and came up with jack-diddly.

But, I pushed those murderous thoughts aside when I looked up for the first time. I didn't notice it before, because I was in pain,

Fluttershy’s house was just in… Disarray. Like, most rooms, when one forgets to clean them, are messy. Disarray and messy have two different meanings, which outfit the description which I relayed to you, that it looks like somebody just fucked up Fluttershy's house and left.

Except, it brought out my anxiety and to which I shot up, looking around in a crazed frenzy,

“Hey? Fluttershy!”

No answer, not good. I panicked because, hello, what the hell is up here? I'm not exactly the smartest person, personality wise Fluttershy would've answered. And then proceed to wonder why I messed her door all sorts of up.

I did a quick search around her living room and cursed aloud. She wasn't anywhere near there. And to top it all off, her animals that usually occupied her living space weren't there either. There were a few feathers and fur strands, besides that, there was nothing else for me to go on. So I swept the kitchen next, and if you guessed she wasn't there, then you're a goddamned genius.

See, I'm not the nosey type to just poke my head in and barge around your house, knocking stuff over. What I normally leave untidy, I clean afterwards. So while I searched, I put everything back in order to the best of my capabilities… But after a gander towards the unstable household, my best just wasn't enough.

She's not in the fridge, duh, not in the cupboards… Where the hell is she? Oh just great! Missing, AND she left the damn stove on! Give me a break… I turned the stove off and turned to check the corners of her island.

She wouldn't have gone into the kitchen… right? Maybe the backyard? Good thoughts and all, but I had to stop when Angel stepped in and squeaked loudly. My head had snapped quickly, which is a new record for, gaining my attention in seconds,

“What? I'm a bit busy, Angel.” I continued my look-see while conversing with the bunny, “Fluttershy is missing, her house is a wreck, and I can't for the life of me figure out why it's all fuggled like this!”

When Angel squeaked again, I immediately understood why. She wouldn't be here. Because if I were Fluttershy, and this had happened to me, I would hide somewhere else other than my living room. And her bunny pointed me in the direction I should go.

Upstairs.

But as I backtracked, the pieces of a small puzzle connected once I scanned over the living room again, noticing the pattern of the mess, the… blown open door whose locks and hinges had just seemed to have fallen off. (Whether that be my fault or somebody else's, I take no blame…)

I put down what I held in my arms and circled my steps back to the main room. The couch was tipped over, and so was the table. Behind the couch were her bird perches and several blankets. To the left, the perches were still standing, and on the right, they lay in ruin.

Rubbing my chin, I looked behind me noticing the door hinges for the third time. Picking one up, I pocketed it and stood slowly. So… something, or someone, broke into her house? I don't get it, why would someone want to anyways? She doesn't own much, except a whole heaping pile of animals.

Which also begs me to ask why her animals left? All her pets are loyal from what I've seen, and yet, there are none here. Not a single one.

Angel was squeaking for me to go upstairs, where along the way littered many portraits and pictures of Fluttershy and her friends lay cracked. Although… I don't believe Fluttershy likes them caked in some sort of… brackish fluid. Imagine oil, I suppose, and add water to it. It looks almost rainbow like, and actually shines when you tilt your head just right.

Ignoring his protests as I picked up Angel, we climbed her steps cautiously, careful not to step on the pictures or make any loud noises. It was just a precaution because someone may still be here. “Always be prepared.”

There were loud bangs further upwards as we drew near, which almost made me stop in fear of someone coming. But when no one came, both Angel and I would sighed in relief, continuing as if nothing had happened.

I stopped just above the last step, my foot hovering above the floor barely. The reason we did not continue, were the simple choices Angel and I had made earlier that deemed to be that of very poor horror movie decisions. The door to Fluttershy’s room was like the one below. Cracked and very much broken into.

But to my horror, the door did not want to stay shut, and simply moved on its own. Do I open it? Or do I be the smarter person and move on. Honestly, I preferred the latter.

So then my inner conscience told me about the greater good… Help Fluttershy, it said. Be a man, not a mouse!, it squeaked in my ear. Might've been Angel actually. Regardless, that's when Angel and I passed a mutual look of displeasure... agreeing on the simple phrase,

“Nut up, or shut up.”

I placed my foot down and for the time being, ignored the brackish stuff that squished beneath my feat. Honestly, I should've been paying attention to it, because a trail of it led from the stairs, into Fluttershy’s room.

Now I know why Angel wanted to get my attention. Now I know why he made me feel pain in my face and head. It all fit together in one piece as I opened the door and saw the one being that was innocent to all, broken.

“Now I know why it's all fuggled…”

Because lying in the bed, wide eyed and shaking, was Fluttershy.

O.o.O.o.O

Author's Note:

Early update, new chapter? Oh my!

Look, chapter was fun, the comments were even funnier! In short, I look forward to them. In other news, just a warm shout out to ItIsASillyLittleGame who was awesome enough to fix everything that you've read.

Seriously. Game did like, all the work. I kinda just sat in the sidelines eating on my Cheerios. Be sure to check that profile out, and while you're at it, Follow it too. Game deserves it.

So other than that, I hope you enjoyed, this chapter was a lot of fun writing and editing! Leave a comment below and if you haven't already, why not click that thumbs up for good measure?

Keep on Derping!

Comments

[AHeater]

This is probably the best comedic fic I've read yet. xD

[Doood]

7787634,
I BEG TO DIFFER!

There is this one comedic short, named; Through the Eyes of Another Pony. That, is the best comedy served fresh. In my opinion at least.

Unfortunately, CardsLafter has discontinued it... Which is sad because there is no more funnehs...

I'M GLAD YOU ENJOY CHAPTER! HERE IS COOKIE.

[AHeater]

7787763 Thanks, I'll check it out