Cutting Ties

by fic Write Off

Lyra Meets a Strange Ugly Creature

"Ugh, it's too tight," Lyra moaned.

Bon Bon shifted her weight as she tried to get into a better position. "Stop fussing. You'll get used to it after awhile." She tried to make it fit, but her hooves slipped because Lyra kept fidgeting.

"Why are we doing this anyway?" When Bon Bon looked away, Lyra loosened her collar.

Bon Bon rolled her eyes. "It's a special occasion and you hardly ever wear it. You want to look respectable, don't you?"

"Not if it means I have to wear this," Lyra said, squirming.

"Nonsense, you'll look fine once we get it on. Now stand still."

"Ugh, do I really have to?" Lyra tilted her head as she shifted her weight from her hooves repeatedly.

"Yes, now stand still, I said."

Lyra let out a loud sigh and said sarcastically, "Fine."

Bon Bon fiddled with the tie for a few more seconds until she finally finished putting it on. "And... done!" She took a step backwards and smiled. "You look handsome."

Lyra's ears fell down and she blushed. "Aww, you're just saying that."

"I'll go get the coat, don't move."

"Alright."

Bon Bon quickly left, leaving Lyra alone in the bedroom. They had been getting dressed up for a party that they had been invited to. Normally Lyra hated going to fancy parties, but Bon Bon seemed so intent on going that she couldn't refuse.

Lyra looked down at her tie and grunted. Her face was starting to turn beet red. "Still too tight. Just need to loosen it... just a little." She fiddled with the tie, doing her best to stay concious until she could alleviate its deathgrip on her. After a few seconds of struggling, it finally untightened enough so she could breathe again.

"Oh thank Celestia." Lyra sighed in relief. "As soon as the party's over, I'm taking this stupid thing off."

Minutes passed as she tapped her hoof. "What's taking so long?" she muttered.

"Hehehehehe," echoed a voice from behind her.

Lyra spun around, only to see nothing. "What the?" She perked her ears, listening for the source of the sound.

"Hehehehehe," the voice continued, this time, it sounded like it came from underneath the bed.

"Ok-okay then." Lyra tiptoed closer towards the sound. She reached a hoof towards the bedsheet. Hesitating for a second, she gripped the blanket and lifted it up. There was nothing there. Raising an eyebrow, she shrugged and spun around again. "That's weird, I must be hallu—"

"Hi there."

"Ahh!" Lyra fell backwards and landed on her rump, startled by the surprise visitor. "Who, what, where?"

In front of her was a short, stout creature with wrinkly brown skin. Warts decorated his face and his body was covered in rags. There was a rank odor which hung around him as if he had gone dumpster diving in the buff. He had a huge X-shaped scar on his forehead. He reached out a stubby hand towards Lyra.

Wait, hands? He has HANDS? She responded by extending her hoof as well.

"Oh thank y—" To her surprise, the creature's hand went past Lyra's hoof and grabbed the tie she was wearing. With no support to help her up, Lyra fell back down on her flank. "Oof!"

With his other hand, the creature reached into his pocket. Unleashing a pair of scissors, he leaned forward and cut Lyra's tie in half. While laughing maniacally, he slammed the end of the tie onto the floor, it landing with a soft plush.

"Hey! What are you doing?!" Lyra shouted, rubbing her flank.

"I'm the Tie Cutter. None of your ties are safe! Rawr!" The gremlin leaped across the room and threw open the drawers of the cabinets. As he continued to cackle, he worked his way through each of the ties he could find. One by one, he snipped each tie neatly in half.

"Nonononono, stop that!" Lyra pushed herself off the floor and sprinted across the room. She dived for the creature, but he disappeared in a puff of smoke. "Ahh!" she screamed as she propelled herself into the open drawer. Her jaw slammed into the cabinet and she was knocked onto the floor. As she shakily got up, stars swirled around her head.

The creature reappeared on the other side of the room. "Nananananana." He blew a raspberry at her.

"Why you!" Lyra shook her head, trying to get rid of the stars. Cantering towards the goblin, she leaped at him. Once again, the goblin disappeared, his haunting laughter continuing the fill the air. This time, she was prepared and used her hooves to stop herself from running into the wall. "Stand still!"

The creature wiggled his behind at her and slapped it. "You can't catch me, I'm the Tie Cutter. Muwahwahwah." He gathered the cut ties into a stack like leaves in the fall before throwing them into the air. "Yes! Yes, mhmm, ties..." He grabbed two and started rubbing them over his body as he moaned.

Lyra stopped her canter temporarily as she stared at the spectacle. "What in the buck?" Her lips and eyebrows twitched. She wasn't sure what to make of the strange creature's actions. She heard footsteps approaching from outside the room. "Ah, Bon Bon!" Using her magic, Lyra seized the creature."

"What! Hey!"

Just as the door opened, Lyra lifted him upside down into the air. Bon Bon stepped inside the room. The suit she prepared for Lyra was draped on her back. Her mouth fell open after she spotted the mess in the room. "Lyra! Wha-what did you do?"

"It wasn't me, it was the Tie Cutter." Lyra pointed at the creature she held with her magic. However, instead of the creature, there was nothing there except the stack of cut ties floating in the air. Lyra stuttered, trying to make sense of what happened. "Bu-but... he was right there, I swear. I..."

"How could you?" Frowning, Bon Bon shook her hoof at her. "Have you gone utterly insane?"

"But..." Lyra's ears drooped as she tried to put together what happened. She gently lowered the pile to the ground. "He was right there..."

Bon Bon marched over to Lyra. "Ahh! I'll deal with this later. We're gonna be late if we don't get going. We'll go to the store on the way. Come on!" Reaching over, she gently nipped Lyra's ear and dragged her towards the door.

"Ow, ow. I'm coming already." As she left, she swore she could hear a soft echo of laughter bounce throughout the room. What the buck just happened? she thought, furrowing her eyebrows.

---

Later, at Ties-R-Us, Lyra and Bon Bon were shopping.

"Honestly, Lyra. I know you don't like wearing ties but there wasn't any need to destroy all of them." Bon Bon looked through the tie rack, trying to find a suitable replacement that would match the suit she had picked out.

On the nearby couch, Lyra threw her hooves into the air. "I'm telling you, it wasn't me!"

"Then who did?" Bon Bon stopped and stared into Lyra's eyes.

"The Tie Cutter!"

Turning back to the tierack, Bon Bon continued to sort through the ties. "And what on equestria is that? Is this another one of those weird obsessions of yours? First, you obsess about 'humans and hands' and now this. Sometimes I think your imagination is a bit too overactive."

"Well, he had hands too, but that's besides the point." Lyra sighed and sat back on the couch. "He's real. Why won't you believe me?"

"Because that's just too silly," Bon Bon said, shaking her head. Finally, she found the tie she was looking for and headed towards the counter. "Come on, Lyra!"

Grumbling, Lyra followed her. They bought their tie and went to the party without further incident. Meanwhile, Lyra wondered if she had hallucinated the whole thing and if she perhaps had been a bit too obsessed lately. So she cleaned up her act and becames a salespony, selling random contraptions to random ponies. Because of her former obsessions, she knew exactly who to sell to and she soon became an extremely rich mare. She showered Bon Bon with presents, who quickly forgave Lyra's odd tendencies. Then they lived happily ever after until the next random event caused Lyra to question her sanity once more, causing her to go on a rampage and freaking out her customers until she fell from grace and became a hobo. A hobo obsessed with finding the truth about hands in the bottom of garbage cans and dumpsters.

Comments

[Ezn]

Well it wasn't a human. Points for that, I guess.

Her face was starting to turn beet red.

If you'd said "the mint unicorn's" instead of "her" I probably would have died. To be fair, though, the use of "starting to" is probably justified in this case, but "beet red" is awfully cliche.

This is the second story I've read about actual tie cutting. It's also the second story I've read overall. You guys are so literal-minded. Maybe it's my fault for starting with the really short ones.

The last paragraph wasn't funny. I have a feeling it's supposed to be a reveal or some kind of circular thing, but it doesn't quite connect.

[TacticalRainboom]

Stream of consiousness.

I like the hook because I'm a pervert.

Your "hehehehehe" and "mwahahahahaha" are fucking awful.

Personal opinion: "What the buck" doesn't work. I prefer to only use "buck" as a verb because that way it could almost make sense instead of just being a pun.

The lolrandumb in this story is just obnoxious. You should've ended with something that made the whole tie cutter incident meaningful, but instead you dump a bunch of what I assume is supposed to be funny but is just incoherent.

This isn't offensively bad, but I'm finding it hard to name anything I actually liked about it.

[BleedingRaindrops]

Ties-R-Us
I see watcha did there.

It was halfway decent until that ending. What a way to kill a story. "Yeah hey check out this opening scene I wrote. You like that? Too bad I'm just gonna tell you the whole story in one paragraph" Nice.

Props for not giving up, but I can't give this a high score, sorry.

[RogerDodger]

concious

Get yourself a spellchecker. That should have a big red squiggly line jump out right up at you.

untightened

There's a word for that.

Yeah, there's not much to say here. This was a mediocre opening, and that last paragraph was obviously a last-ditch attempt to make an ending from nowhere—while also being not very funny.

Put more effort in next time.

[Pav Feira]

Ah yes, another irreverant comedy. Though... eh, this one might be going a bit too far. The cut ties givng the goblin some kind of sick "pleasure" is pushing the joke a bit much, IMHO.

Bahaha, Ties-R-Us. I trust that they went straight for the pink aisle?

Suddenly, last paragraph out of nowhere. What in the name of Twilight's secret stash of clopfics did I just read? I'm presuming you had no idea how to end this, so just tried to go for non sequitur. It didn't quite work.

Amusing enough concept. The thought of a creature that only Lyra could see, and Bon-Bon immediately blaming Lyra, is a fun concept. Unfortunately, the fic never really built on top of that. Oh well.