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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Oh dear... I hope what's going on in that yurt is not what I think it is. I'm not a fan of dark things like that.
Well writing a dance scene with 4 stallions and 4 mares is tricky. Sometimes I was a bit confused which character was being referred to by 'the stallion' or 'the mare'. Like the first sentence would say it's Rose, then later in the paragraph I would assume 'the mare' is a different character being referred to because if it's still Rose then why not use 'she'? Also because the dance was getting very risque and Rose is skittish about doing anything sexual in public but apparently she has gotten over it.
In particular:
Growling excitedly, he delivered a long, slow lick up her labia, before giving her rump a soft nibble. The stallion’s response was a not so reserved goose with her teeth.
Did you mean the mare's response ?
Now for a question about the story, Rose seems to enjoy some wrestling and rough play, is that a pegasus thing or just Rose's personal taste?
I do enjoy reading their rough sex and I love that Rose seems to have fully embraced zebra promiscuity, she's even overcoming her claustrophobia! The sudden change is making me think there is an outside influence on her... something to do with the general malaise in the tribe?
I look forward to the future chapters.
8380061
I'll try and look back over that dance scene in the next day or two to clear up any confusion. However, to answer your question, it's to keep us from writing 'she' a thousand times!
As for your question, I'm envisioning pegasi to be quite tactile - their wings being quite sensitive - mix that with one of her few positive experiences with her old herd, being a fellow mare that liked to get more physical, and boom. Also, she'll never admit it, but she's a sub - at least when it comes to sexy-times.
8380129
Ah Ok that's what I figured. I think the only one that really needs changing is The mare almost bit at him, quite unused to the idea of letting another stallion flirt with her. because it's at the beginning of a new paragraph. Perhaps something like The indignant pegasus almost bit at him, quite unused to the idea of letting an unknown stallion flirt with her.
8380129
Mhm. You didn't write her as a sub though, but a traditional. She plays the usual "hard to get" tease and wants the stallions to make the initiative but she decides the when and how. I could point out several instances where there is a conflict of interest and she wins. If anything she has a slight dom tendency ^^
8380158
Seeing as this story is (mostly) from Rose's perspective, I think referring to her as 'The Mare' on occassion, makes perfect sense.
8390625
Honestly, there's a lot going on inside that mind of hers; a lot of social conditioning from both her family, and her past experiences with stallions and her previous herd. In some ways she so desperately wants to be a dom and in others, she'd roll over for a good breeze and happily do so too. The only spoiler I'll give is, she'll change quite a lot before the one year-mark. To the point where her parents wouldn't recognize her.
8390754
In that case I look forward to equally descriptive scenes of her being dominated. So far the parts of Rose playing hard to get are longer and more detailed than the parts where she submits. Case in point chapter XIII with Olabode. I can understand from an editing standpoint why you choose to fade out that sex scene early but after reading the glorious details of Rose riding him I was eager to read the rough rutting Olabode would give her :P. Especially after that line of 'plow you until your stallions have to carry you home'. And it would have been interesting to hear Rose's thoughts on being dominated by a zebra outside her herd.
The scene between Compass Rose and Olobode was the hottest I ever read. Well done!
10516640
Why thank you. It's something of a surprise though, most seem to like Zuberi's most.
I just noticed something strange in chapter XIII
-“Does it bother your wings?” He asked her gently.
She nodded softly, but added with a moan, “Claustrophobic.”-
Huh? How is it possible? They were dancing outside. Can Rose have a claustrophobic attack that easily?
10834736
So, a part of our canon is that Pegasi have a tendency toward a very specific kind of claustrophobia, one in which they cannot flee, esp when the use of their wings are compromised. It hasn't come up yet, but the two most sensual/ erotic positions for a pegasus are either on their backs - exactly what Rose was trying to avoid - and the other is with the dom atop the sub's back, gently pressing their wings down. These positions are the ultimate shows of submission for a breed that really has a real dominance streak. I spoilered this, because Rose will eventually give herself to her herd like this and it's kind of a big deal for her.