An Equestria Divided story where the Princesses return to the turmoil that Equestria has become? About damn time!

What is Equestria Divided?

7120821
It can basically be summed up as Warhammer meets MLP with each of the mane six leading a different faction. It was created and run by a guy named PoorYorrik and had some awesome art, lore and ideas behind it. Unfortunately PY left the fandom around the end of season two and the project stagnated ever since, though thankfully This guy saved everything here, so you can check that out if you want.

The pegasi never wanted superiority, House Stormwind has plenty of earth ponies and unicorns in it, they even have Griffins. They are one of the least racist houses so using racism to make them more villainous is going against the lore, not to mention pointless as they plenty of other things to make them evil. Also it's dumb that a few Threstals are able to take out Stormwind soldiers, even their basic soldiers are Wonderbolt levels of skill. Also, also why would Luna bother to appear as Nightmare Moon anyway? What's the point? Also, also, also Sidewinder is a walking talking cliche, which sucks because you seem to be setting him up to be an important character. He's neither as funny or as badass as you're trying to make him because that whole deception was completely pointless and wouldn't have worked against any competent soldiers which Dash and Stormwind is supposed to be made up of but you made them all complete idiots or weaklings just so they could lose quickly and your OC could look cool which is an awful way to do it. Btw you need to capitalise all the words in a title, you're commas are all over the place but almost never where they're supposed to be and this sentence:“Not sure, but he has most of the navy, and I won’t let him have that many ships,” makes no sense.

Good luck with the rest of it.

From a purely mechanical, grammatical view, these need adjusting:

just incase talks went south.

I don't know if you've seen it written as one word somewhere, but I think there should be a space between "in case."

Soarin asked to the cyan mares left.

Change "mares" to "mare's."

“Sorry, not sorry umm what’re you doing out here?”

Usually, an "um" of some kind is flanked on both sides by a comma. This indicates the stiltedness of someone's speech.

I want the Thestral to join with house Stormwing.

Capitalize "house."

“And um what uh will happen if uh we say no?”

Again, with commas indicating pauses, this sentence would feel more natural.

“I can’t have any enemies, you can accept our offer of partnership or you can be destroyed,”

It is true that some writers will have quotes end with a comma instead of a period, so the text can be broken up, but indicate that a person is still talking without much pause. But Rainbow doesn't say anything after this, she waits for Sidewinder to say something. It should end with a period.

And that’s commander supreme Rainbow Dash to you!”

You forgot to capitalize both halves of her title.

"The Pegasi are the only one's that can lead Equestria into the future, it's our responsibility.

Use "ones." "One's" would be singular possessive.

Rainbow had built up a raging retort to get the crazy Thestral to release her however, it died in her throat.

It feels like there should be a period after "her," to make this two sentences.

That goes for all three,”

Again, no reason for this to end with a comma.

After the trial of the former elements of harmony that was.

Elements of Harmony are usually capitalized, especially when it's being used as a title for the Mane 6. Also, "that is" would work better than "that was," and there should be a comma before those two words. But actually, I think the sentence would just sound better if you placed the period after "Harmony."

But for those grammar mistakes, I was impressed you remembered to capitalize the royal "We" and "Our!"

7121286 Hi, so I read your review and wanted to respond.

You see, the way i interpreted the Rainbow Dash bio that pooryurick wrote i concluded that Rainbow wanted a pegasi dominant scociety, not that she shunned the other races but held little love for unicorns and earthponys. Though she'd be civil to the later. But, to make sure that i get it spot on i will go back and re-read the lore then edit from there.

You say that my OC is a cliche. If i may ask, what is so cliche about being a piece of bait? Thats all he really served for this chapter. His whole purpose was to get Rainbow to be distracted, have all her attention focused on him whilst Luna did all the hard work. As for him not being funny he wasn't trying to be nor was i trying to make him funny. If a drunk guy was slurring his speech you might not laugh at him to his face, especially if he was a soldier with more years of experience in Rainbow's point of view. He was acting the part of a drunk, not attempting humor.

Rainbow Dash isn't an idiot, and it wasn't my intention of making her seem so, she was distracted by some idiot in swimwear drinking a pina colada. She knows that ponies whom are drunk are easier to persuade especially thestrals. That will be expanded upon in later chapters.

And i don't believe it was said it was thestrals who took out the company Thestrals aren't the only ones whom lived on the island. Just saying.

The Nightmare Moon thing was to scare Rainbow Dash, nothing more. It's like the diffrence between seeing Batman and Bruce Wayne in an alley. One you'd possibly crap yourself at seeing the other you'd be mildly intimidated. Luna knows how to make an entrance.

As for the comma's i'll go back and edit, thanks for the review.

7121535 thank you boss, i'll work on editing that

Okay, this is gonna be one intresting story. The whole Equestria is gonna get it. Big time. Twilight is gonna get the worst, because slavery act.

AJ and Fluttershy are technicly open worshippers of Chaos (as Elements of Harmony are the Chaos Gods of Equestria Divided), Pinkie is a fooking corpse, Rarity is a biatch and Twi is going on full unicorn superecist all over the land (and the true cause for such rasism on the continent). The intresting part is evrypony is going to fight the Sisters, save for Stormwing and M&S, as RD would propably be the best of the avable pony to be a leader for the sisters army. I just wonder if the Sisters are going to seal all the unicorn magic of the population, because that is kindda the first step to sew the nation back together. After the Cult of Laughter is pushed out of the dimension that is.

7121597 Ah, but you can't fight something that you don't know is comming to fight you. Thanks for the review.

7121286
I'm not sure where you're seeing on this that House Stormwing are racially motivated. Rainbow mentions that the Thestral ponies don't fly at the same speeds of Pegasi; that seems to be a physical fact, not rhetoric of a supremacist. She does say "The Pegasi are the only one's that can lead Equestria into the future, it's our responsibility." I didn't see this as preaching racial superiority. Pegasi do make up the majority of House Stormwing's citizenry, armed forces, and leadership, so saying that they're leading the House's efforts isn't really a stretch. House Stormwind is also about tradition, particularly about Pegasi occupying the military caste of Equestria; the military being the leading force in a country torn apart by a civil war.

I didn't see Sidewinder being a cliche character at all (besides his name, which I've seen on Pegasi OCs before). He acts with such confidence because he knows he has an alicorn princess on his side. Princess Luna is the one that Dash, Soarin and Spitfire lost against. Sidewinder never had to launch a single blow at them.

Luna turning into Nightmare Moon made sense to me. It's pure intimidation factor. The single-sentence premise of this story is that she and Celestia are ticked off.

How do you mean that "a few Thestrals" are "taking out" the Stormwing forces? We see nothing of that battle, so there's nothing behind an extreme statement. But it still wouldn't be hard to guess that it went well anyway, since Luna is here, she probably helped plan this out, and it ISN'T only Thestrals on this island.

7121611 It's not a rewiew but an educated prediction of future.

My fear is what to come and if you're going to make justice for the races. Because as for now you butchered Stormwing. Instead of a ragtag band of veterans who are few left in numbers but are the best surviwalists and killers of the continent we have M&S whith wings.

You seem to forget the crutial facts. Stormwing fights with S&M but doean't really want to eliminate them. They constanty steal from them and smuggling stuff, even trade occasionally. Stormwing would take down S&M only if they conquered Everfree and Whitegold. Also the traders, smugglers and sky pirates of Stormwing are already expert stalkers, why bother taking thestrals too? If something RD would come to negotiate a recruitation and trade treaty, because it's how they work. They raid others and trade, they alao threaten nearby villages to pay them if they don't want to risk a thunderstorm.

They were full of themselves but what we've got is an extreme stretch.

7121673 oh, I see, sorry I must have misread what you wrote.

7121711 I also added something.

Point is: Stormwing are already bucked on all fronts and their main reason they're still afloat is because they aren't a big threat to anypony else and they trade. There is also the massive monetary support from Earthborn, raiding Everfree or Whitegold, good defensive positions in the north, they're unatractive territory and the fact they have the most badass army of all which always will win, exept it is chained to Cloudsdale defending it and ussually suffers high losses.

If I remember correctly, Stormwing isn't opposed to the princesses. Instead they see themselves as agents of the crown who are trying to keep order in all the chaos while they see moon and star as traitorous usurpers of the thrown. It just gets buried under all the pegasi militarism.

Point is: Stormwing are already bucked on all fronts and their main reason they're still afloat is because they aren't a big threat to anypony else and they trade.

Don't forget that they have a lot of help from the griffins who will inevitably stab them in the back.

Omg I asked about the possibility of what the ED universe would be like should the Princesses return like, a year or two ago.

This ought to be interesting c:

7121748 Sorry for the late response. Militarism currupts, like the Mei Lai massacre for example, atrocities all around, militarism isn't an excuse for flooding ponyville and killing civilians in the process of taking out the enemy. As far as i read and interpreted, whilst Rainbow believes she is on the right side, being ruthless only hurts her argument to the princesses when she explains herself.

I'm not saying that house Stormwind was wholly evil, far from it but too Sidewinder, Celestia, Luna and all of the ponies that have been caught in the crossfire they (all of the elements, save for Pinkie Pie) are all in the wrong.

The pegasi dominant thing was from Sidewinder's point of view. Being far from the war for some years he missed some crucial developments. As for the Gryphons wait and see. I have a great many things to reveal.