TheIronMask
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An Equestria Divided story where the Princesses return to the turmoil that Equestria has become? About damn time!
What is Equestria Divided?
7120821
It can basically be summed up as Warhammer meets MLP with each of the mane six leading a different faction. It was created and run by a guy named PoorYorrik and had some awesome art, lore and ideas behind it. Unfortunately PY left the fandom around the end of season two and the project stagnated ever since, though thankfully This guy saved everything here, so you can check that out if you want.
The pegasi never wanted superiority, House Stormwind has plenty of earth ponies and unicorns in it, they even have Griffins. They are one of the least racist houses so using racism to make them more villainous is going against the lore, not to mention pointless as they plenty of other things to make them evil. Also it's dumb that a few Threstals are able to take out Stormwind soldiers, even their basic soldiers are Wonderbolt levels of skill. Also, also why would Luna bother to appear as Nightmare Moon anyway? What's the point? Also, also, also Sidewinder is a walking talking cliche, which sucks because you seem to be setting him up to be an important character. He's neither as funny or as badass as you're trying to make him because that whole deception was completely pointless and wouldn't have worked against any competent soldiers which Dash and Stormwind is supposed to be made up of but you made them all complete idiots or weaklings just so they could lose quickly and your OC could look cool which is an awful way to do it. Btw you need to capitalise all the words in a title, you're commas are all over the place but almost never where they're supposed to be and this sentence:“Not sure, but he has most of the navy, and I won’t let him have that many ships,” makes no sense.
Good luck with the rest of it.
From a purely mechanical, grammatical view, these need adjusting:
I don't know if you've seen it written as one word somewhere, but I think there should be a space between "in case."
Change "mares" to "mare's."
Usually, an "um" of some kind is flanked on both sides by a comma. This indicates the stiltedness of someone's speech.
Capitalize "house."
Again, with commas indicating pauses, this sentence would feel more natural.
It is true that some writers will have quotes end with a comma instead of a period, so the text can be broken up, but indicate that a person is still talking without much pause. But Rainbow doesn't say anything after this, she waits for Sidewinder to say something. It should end with a period.
You forgot to capitalize both halves of her title.
Use "ones." "One's" would be singular possessive.
It feels like there should be a period after "her," to make this two sentences.
Again, no reason for this to end with a comma.
Elements of Harmony are usually capitalized, especially when it's being used as a title for the Mane 6. Also, "that is" would work better than "that was," and there should be a comma before those two words. But actually, I think the sentence would just sound better if you placed the period after "Harmony."
But for those grammar mistakes, I was impressed you remembered to capitalize the royal "We" and "Our!"
7121286 Hi, so I read your review and wanted to respond.
You see, the way i interpreted the Rainbow Dash bio that pooryurick wrote i concluded that Rainbow wanted a pegasi dominant scociety, not that she shunned the other races but held little love for unicorns and earthponys. Though she'd be civil to the later. But, to make sure that i get it spot on i will go back and re-read the lore then edit from there.
You say that my OC is a cliche. If i may ask, what is so cliche about being a piece of bait? Thats all he really served for this chapter. His whole purpose was to get Rainbow to be distracted, have all her attention focused on him whilst Luna did all the hard work. As for him not being funny he wasn't trying to be nor was i trying to make him funny. If a drunk guy was slurring his speech you might not laugh at him to his face, especially if he was a soldier with more years of experience in Rainbow's point of view. He was acting the part of a drunk, not attempting humor.
Rainbow Dash isn't an idiot, and it wasn't my intention of making her seem so, she was distracted by some idiot in swimwear drinking a pina colada. She knows that ponies whom are drunk are easier to persuade especially thestrals. That will be expanded upon in later chapters.
And i don't believe it was said it was thestrals who took out the company Thestrals aren't the only ones whom lived on the island. Just saying.
The Nightmare Moon thing was to scare Rainbow Dash, nothing more. It's like the diffrence between seeing Batman and Bruce Wayne in an alley. One you'd possibly crap yourself at seeing the other you'd be mildly intimidated. Luna knows how to make an entrance.
As for the comma's i'll go back and edit, thanks for the review.
7121535 thank you boss, i'll work on editing that
Okay, this is gonna be one intresting story. The whole Equestria is gonna get it. Big time. Twilight is gonna get the worst, because slavery act.
AJ and Fluttershy are technicly open worshippers of Chaos (as Elements of Harmony are the Chaos Gods of Equestria Divided), Pinkie is a fooking corpse, Rarity is a biatch and Twi is going on full unicorn superecist all over the land (and the true cause for such rasism on the continent). The intresting part is evrypony is going to fight the Sisters, save for Stormwing and M&S, as RD would propably be the best of the avable pony to be a leader for the sisters army. I just wonder if the Sisters are going to seal all the unicorn magic of the population, because that is kindda the first step to sew the nation back together. After the Cult of Laughter is pushed out of the dimension that is.
7121597 Ah, but you can't fight something that you don't know is comming to fight you. Thanks for the review.
7121286
I'm not sure where you're seeing on this that House Stormwing are racially motivated. Rainbow mentions that the Thestral ponies don't fly at the same speeds of Pegasi; that seems to be a physical fact, not rhetoric of a supremacist. She does say "The Pegasi are the only one's that can lead Equestria into the future, it's our responsibility." I didn't see this as preaching racial superiority. Pegasi do make up the majority of House Stormwing's citizenry, armed forces, and leadership, so saying that they're leading the House's efforts isn't really a stretch. House Stormwind is also about tradition, particularly about Pegasi occupying the military caste of Equestria; the military being the leading force in a country torn apart by a civil war.
I didn't see Sidewinder being a cliche character at all (besides his name, which I've seen on Pegasi OCs before). He acts with such confidence because he knows he has an alicorn princess on his side. Princess Luna is the one that Dash, Soarin and Spitfire lost against. Sidewinder never had to launch a single blow at them.
Luna turning into Nightmare Moon made sense to me. It's pure intimidation factor. The single-sentence premise of this story is that she and Celestia are ticked off.
How do you mean that "a few Thestrals" are "taking out" the Stormwing forces? We see nothing of that battle, so there's nothing behind an extreme statement. But it still wouldn't be hard to guess that it went well anyway, since Luna is here, she probably helped plan this out, and it ISN'T only Thestrals on this island.
7121611 It's not a rewiew but an educated prediction of future.
My fear is what to come and if you're going to make justice for the races. Because as for now you butchered Stormwing. Instead of a ragtag band of veterans who are few left in numbers but are the best surviwalists and killers of the continent we have M&S whith wings.
You seem to forget the crutial facts. Stormwing fights with S&M but doean't really want to eliminate them. They constanty steal from them and smuggling stuff, even trade occasionally. Stormwing would take down S&M only if they conquered Everfree and Whitegold. Also the traders, smugglers and sky pirates of Stormwing are already expert stalkers, why bother taking thestrals too? If something RD would come to negotiate a recruitation and trade treaty, because it's how they work. They raid others and trade, they alao threaten nearby villages to pay them if they don't want to risk a thunderstorm.
They were full of themselves but what we've got is an extreme stretch.
7121673 oh, I see, sorry I must have misread what you wrote.
7121711 I also added something.
Point is: Stormwing are already bucked on all fronts and their main reason they're still afloat is because they aren't a big threat to anypony else and they trade. There is also the massive monetary support from Earthborn, raiding Everfree or Whitegold, good defensive positions in the north, they're unatractive territory and the fact they have the most badass army of all which always will win, exept it is chained to Cloudsdale defending it and ussually suffers high losses.
If I remember correctly, Stormwing isn't opposed to the princesses. Instead they see themselves as agents of the crown who are trying to keep order in all the chaos while they see moon and star as traitorous usurpers of the thrown. It just gets buried under all the pegasi militarism.
Don't forget that they have a lot of help from the griffins who will inevitably stab them in the back.
Omg I asked about the possibility of what the ED universe would be like should the Princesses return like, a year or two ago.
This ought to be interesting c:
7121748 Sorry for the late response. Militarism currupts, like the Mei Lai massacre for example, atrocities all around, militarism isn't an excuse for flooding ponyville and killing civilians in the process of taking out the enemy. As far as i read and interpreted, whilst Rainbow believes she is on the right side, being ruthless only hurts her argument to the princesses when she explains herself.
I'm not saying that house Stormwind was wholly evil, far from it but too Sidewinder, Celestia, Luna and all of the ponies that have been caught in the crossfire they (all of the elements, save for Pinkie Pie) are all in the wrong.
The pegasi dominant thing was from Sidewinder's point of view. Being far from the war for some years he missed some crucial developments. As for the Gryphons wait and see. I have a great many things to reveal.
The thestral will get a hammer to the face. And possibly a few cannon balls too.
7133809 I take it you enjoyed the chapter?
7133872 Yeah. It was pretty chaotic and not properly formated but it was readable.
Sorry it took me awhile to read this and form any response. It's the end of my last semester at college.
First off, formatting. I agree with 7133894 , this looked really messy. There wasn't any spaces between the sentences. There wasn't any in the first chapter either, but now it's a problem since there are very few actual paragraphs.
Now for grammar:
It should be ponies' for plural possession.
I'm Certain "Cult of Laughter" is supposed to be capitalized, like PoorYorrick did with all the factions.
The paragraph after the first break needs some adjusting:
From a story perspective, having the Laughing Mare actually be a voice in the heads of characters is a really bad idea, since it removes them of agency. Mind control is often depicted as someone being a mindless amnesiac drone or puppet. Or an outright possession where basically someone's brain is placed in another's body. This "influencing" thing is rarely used well. It's used as a way to excuse CERTAIN actions by a character, but then the story wants us to understand that all those others actions and behaviors were really them. It gets used as an excuse to absolve a character of their crimes, but still keep them the same person, even though any three dimensional character we know would be partly formed based on their willingness to kill. The Mane Six taking these dark paths in PoorYorrick's scenario was tragic because they still felt like decisions by the characters. That's the reason we felt sad and angry. Because it felt like the characters we knew had actually betrayed us.
Warhammer, which PoorYorrick used as inspiration, does this a lot. But when Fantasy or 40k (the latter of which is what more people are familiar with, and GW focuses more of their efforts on) does this, it works for a variety of reasons (although even they can end up borking it up or overusing it). Among them is the fact that a character that falls to Chaos are pretty much NEVER redeemed. They either get killed off by someone, or they become ludicrously powerful and evil daemons.
Something else that feels like you just brushed aside is Rainbow going "I'm sorry" to Princess Luna. One of Friendship is Magic's most brought-up flaws is the rushed repentant attitude from antagonist characters, and then how quick the cast (and the audience) is expected to forgive them. It feels even crazier that this weakness has carried over to an Equestria Divided fanfic, one of the grittiest, unrelenting settings I've seen emerge from this fandom. Rainbow just reaches acceptance for all this so quickly? She doesn't try to condone her actions at all, including constructing the society all her comrades are part of? As a militant warrior, she doesn't get mad at the Princesses for being captured and having no contingency for society? Is she (or ANY of the ponies here for that matter) going to ask why the Princesses didn't specify that they only alter the trajectory of their respective heavenly bodies, instead of pulling them along as if on a leash? Luna's lucky that Rainbow is even THIS conversational, as opposed to howling in pain or indignity from having her WINGS lopped off.
But as rushed as that supposed-to-be-enlightening conversation between Luna and Dash was, you continue to keep the tension in the minutes of scenes like Sidewinder creeping up on Applejack. So that seems to be strength, since I felt all that mounting in the beginning of this story at the negotiating table with Sidewinder and Stormwing.
7194519 Is rushing on this with Grammar Blitzkrieg is a good idea?
7194520
Huh?
If you're asking why I started with grammar, I did so because it's easiest to point out, and easiest for the author to adjust. Low-hanging fruit first.
7194519 When I was writing this I wasn't going for The Laughing Mare controlling the Mane Six. What I meant was that The Laughing Mare was akin to Satan in the Garden of Eden, tempting the mane six. Temptation is more subtle in my opinion than mind control, as you are in control of your actions but are compelled to do things that you normally wouldn't.
Had The Laughing Mare not been pulling the strings none of this wouldn't have happened. That said Rainbow had the fight knocked out of her by Luna. It's horrifically amazing when reality smacks one in the face. To my knowledge Horus himself was regretful of his actions as he faced The Emperor on his battle barge. Just because you have regret you aren't nesicerily redeemed.
I will work on the formatting when I get back from work. Thanks for the honest review.
Welp, they've got Dash (still don't think they should've amputated her wings (yet), but you're writing this, not me) and AJ.
Two down, three to go, with Rares up next.
(Wonder how Celestia will react when she sees how sick Rarity with that crystal disease that she has?)
I also wonder who among the Mane 5 is going to be the hardest to take prisoner?
Me, my bet's on Twilight.
Because, you know, of her magic and all.
I also bet when Celestia sees what Twilight did to Spike, she's gonna rip the twit a new one.
Maybe/probably literally.
But we'll see.
7201072 Well, I can tell you that things will only get harder from here.
Remember that Rarity has a (slight) excuse, the crystal disease that's digging into her brain and slowly driving her insane.
7201105 That's... kinda what I figured.
And was afraid of.
Still, can't wait to see what happens next.
7201162 Well, that's true.
But Celestia and Luna may look at what she was like, and what she did, before this.
But we'll see, I guess.
7201162 I'll keep it in mind
7201169 Thanks for the support
7203481 You're quite welcome, my friend.
Thank you for such a cool, and interesting, story.
I just want to thank you all for the support
.
Fancy Pants? you mean the pony that the lore called out as the one for sure decent guy in the Whitegold leadership? who was pretty much the only one who cared about the ponies of the undercity? While at this point it's clear that you are taking liberties with the lore (like what you did with the laughing mare) If you need to have to be the target of the characters or audience hatred why not Diamond Tiara who is also supposed to be a major figure in Whitegold.
7227272 You're right, I can see the inconscistancies with that. Will be changing it in a second. just re-read the lore, my bad.
I have trouble believing that House Whitegold, who is well known for they're spies, are completely in the dark about 2 House leaders vanishing. So far that's my only complaint.
7231088 How do you know they are in the dark?
Niece? You are including Flurry Heart! Nice one!
And casualities. Good. Realism.
7231406 Glad you liked it
7231793 I wonder how the hell is Celestia doing to get Pinkie. And throwing her into the cell with the others is sure going to be intresting too.
7231906 In this universe Pinkie is dead, but her corpse has been possessed by the laughing mare. Celestia is concerned with banishing the laughing mare to tarterus. They don't have to worry about that.
7231927 `We'll see... but that rises the question of what will happen to all the cultists of the Laughting Mare...
7231934 Will they give up? Or will they fight? Don't know yet. But rest assured, you any everybody else will be satisfied.
7231982 The lesserly corruped ones could be converted to some socially stable form once the Laughting Mare is banished from the realm.
7231988 The hopeful solution to be sure
7232000 But the execution will end up with a lot of moral losses. Intresting to do.
7231203
You have no idea how happy that makes me
This looks very interesting, but I'm not familiar with the Equestria Divided story.
Can I get a brief synopsis?
7274713 Basicaly it's when Celestia and Luna go missing all of the elements of harmony turn on each other and eventually start a six way civil war. Like warhammer, only with ponies.
7274715
Oooh, with you now. I am intrigued, what other stories are in the series?
7274731 the series has a deviantart page but beyond that I don't really know.
Haven't read it yet but I am planning on doing the same thing....... same tittle and everything. huh. only i'm planning on discord being there as well.