Sorry it took me awhile to read this and form any response. It's the end of my last semester at college.
First off, formatting. I agree with 7133894 , this looked really messy. There wasn't any spaces between the sentences. There wasn't any in the first chapter either, but now it's a problem since there are very few actual paragraphs.
Now for grammar:
after trying to hear her little ponies pleas.
It should be ponies' for plural possession.
I'm Certain "Cult of Laughter" is supposed to be capitalized, like PoorYorrick did with all the factions.
The paragraph after the first break needs some adjusting:
Sidewinder eyed the headquarters of House Earthborn,>.< iIt took them two days to reach the place, even with the help of a few friendly trawlers that collected kelp. Had he been born a Pegasus he’d have no trouble getting to far off places>,< but he was Thestral, silent and fierce.
From a story perspective, having the Laughing Mare actually be a voice in the heads of characters is a really bad idea, since it removes them of agency. Mind control is often depicted as someone being a mindless amnesiac drone or puppet. Or an outright possession where basically someone's brain is placed in another's body. This "influencing" thing is rarely used well. It's used as a way to excuse CERTAIN actions by a character, but then the story wants us to understand that all those others actions and behaviors were really them. It gets used as an excuse to absolve a character of their crimes, but still keep them the same person, even though any three dimensional character we know would be partly formed based on their willingness to kill. The Mane Six taking these dark paths in PoorYorrick's scenario was tragic because they still felt like decisions by the characters. That's the reason we felt sad and angry. Because it felt like the characters we knew had actually betrayed us.
Warhammer, which PoorYorrick used as inspiration, does this a lot. But when Fantasy or 40k (the latter of which is what more people are familiar with, and GW focuses more of their efforts on) does this, it works for a variety of reasons (although even they can end up borking it up or overusing it). Among them is the fact that a character that falls to Chaos are pretty much NEVER redeemed. They either get killed off by someone, or they become ludicrously powerful and evil daemons.
Something else that feels like you just brushed aside is Rainbow going "I'm sorry" to Princess Luna. One of Friendship is Magic's most brought-up flaws is the rushed repentant attitude from antagonist characters, and then how quick the cast (and the audience) is expected to forgive them. It feels even crazier that this weakness has carried over to an Equestria Divided fanfic, one of the grittiest, unrelenting settings I've seen emerge from this fandom. Rainbow just reaches acceptance for all this so quickly? She doesn't try to condone her actions at all, including constructing the society all her comrades are part of? As a militant warrior, she doesn't get mad at the Princesses for being captured and having no contingency for society? Is she (or ANY of the ponies here for that matter) going to ask why the Princesses didn't specify that they only alter the trajectory of their respective heavenly bodies, instead of pulling them along as if on a leash? Luna's lucky that Rainbow is even THIS conversational, as opposed to howling in pain or indignity from having her WINGS lopped off.
But as rushed as that supposed-to-be-enlightening conversation between Luna and Dash was, you continue to keep the tension in the minutes of scenes like Sidewinder creeping up on Applejack. So that seems to be strength, since I felt all that mounting in the beginning of this story at the negotiating table with Sidewinder and Stormwing.
If you're asking why I started with grammar, I did so because it's easiest to point out, and easiest for the author to adjust. Low-hanging fruit first.
7194519 When I was writing this I wasn't going for The Laughing Mare controlling the Mane Six. What I meant was that The Laughing Mare was akin to Satan in the Garden of Eden, tempting the mane six. Temptation is more subtle in my opinion than mind control, as you are in control of your actions but are compelled to do things that you normally wouldn't.
Had The Laughing Mare not been pulling the strings none of this wouldn't have happened. That said Rainbow had the fight knocked out of her by Luna. It's horrifically amazing when reality smacks one in the face. To my knowledge Horus himself was regretful of his actions as he faced The Emperor on his battle barge. Just because you have regret you aren't nesicerily redeemed.
I will work on the formatting when I get back from work. Thanks for the honest review.
The thestral will get a hammer to the face. And possibly a few cannon balls too.
7133809 I take it you enjoyed the chapter?
7133872 Yeah. It was pretty chaotic and not properly formated but it was readable.
Sorry it took me awhile to read this and form any response. It's the end of my last semester at college.
First off, formatting. I agree with 7133894 , this looked really messy. There wasn't any spaces between the sentences. There wasn't any in the first chapter either, but now it's a problem since there are very few actual paragraphs.
Now for grammar:
It should be ponies' for plural possession.
I'm Certain "Cult of Laughter" is supposed to be capitalized, like PoorYorrick did with all the factions.
The paragraph after the first break needs some adjusting:
From a story perspective, having the Laughing Mare actually be a voice in the heads of characters is a really bad idea, since it removes them of agency. Mind control is often depicted as someone being a mindless amnesiac drone or puppet. Or an outright possession where basically someone's brain is placed in another's body. This "influencing" thing is rarely used well. It's used as a way to excuse CERTAIN actions by a character, but then the story wants us to understand that all those others actions and behaviors were really them. It gets used as an excuse to absolve a character of their crimes, but still keep them the same person, even though any three dimensional character we know would be partly formed based on their willingness to kill. The Mane Six taking these dark paths in PoorYorrick's scenario was tragic because they still felt like decisions by the characters. That's the reason we felt sad and angry. Because it felt like the characters we knew had actually betrayed us.
Warhammer, which PoorYorrick used as inspiration, does this a lot. But when Fantasy or 40k (the latter of which is what more people are familiar with, and GW focuses more of their efforts on) does this, it works for a variety of reasons (although even they can end up borking it up or overusing it). Among them is the fact that a character that falls to Chaos are pretty much NEVER redeemed. They either get killed off by someone, or they become ludicrously powerful and evil daemons.
Something else that feels like you just brushed aside is Rainbow going "I'm sorry" to Princess Luna. One of Friendship is Magic's most brought-up flaws is the rushed repentant attitude from antagonist characters, and then how quick the cast (and the audience) is expected to forgive them. It feels even crazier that this weakness has carried over to an Equestria Divided fanfic, one of the grittiest, unrelenting settings I've seen emerge from this fandom. Rainbow just reaches acceptance for all this so quickly? She doesn't try to condone her actions at all, including constructing the society all her comrades are part of? As a militant warrior, she doesn't get mad at the Princesses for being captured and having no contingency for society? Is she (or ANY of the ponies here for that matter) going to ask why the Princesses didn't specify that they only alter the trajectory of their respective heavenly bodies, instead of pulling them along as if on a leash? Luna's lucky that Rainbow is even THIS conversational, as opposed to howling in pain or indignity from having her WINGS lopped off.
But as rushed as that supposed-to-be-enlightening conversation between Luna and Dash was, you continue to keep the tension in the minutes of scenes like Sidewinder creeping up on Applejack. So that seems to be strength, since I felt all that mounting in the beginning of this story at the negotiating table with Sidewinder and Stormwing.
7194519 Is rushing on this with Grammar Blitzkrieg is a good idea?
7194520
Huh?
If you're asking why I started with grammar, I did so because it's easiest to point out, and easiest for the author to adjust. Low-hanging fruit first.
7194519 When I was writing this I wasn't going for The Laughing Mare controlling the Mane Six. What I meant was that The Laughing Mare was akin to Satan in the Garden of Eden, tempting the mane six. Temptation is more subtle in my opinion than mind control, as you are in control of your actions but are compelled to do things that you normally wouldn't.
Had The Laughing Mare not been pulling the strings none of this wouldn't have happened. That said Rainbow had the fight knocked out of her by Luna. It's horrifically amazing when reality smacks one in the face. To my knowledge Horus himself was regretful of his actions as he faced The Emperor on his battle barge. Just because you have regret you aren't nesicerily redeemed.
I will work on the formatting when I get back from work. Thanks for the honest review.
7194860 PoorYorick explicitly said that the Laughing Mare didn't know where the princesses were.