Behind the Scenes

by Opium4TmassS

My Little Murder

My head pounded like a bass drum as the world around me erupted in flame. It wasn't the first time I'd been knocked unconscious. It wasn't even the first time I'd been knocked unconscious by a toon. It was, however, the first time I'd been knocked unconscious and chained to a large pipe in a warehouse outside of Vancouver.

The handcuffs bit into my wrists as I struggled against them swearing loudly to whatever God might be listening. I tugged until I could feel the blood drip down my wrists against my hands when I felt something different below me. Heat. That heat soon combined with smoke and a sickening orange light that made its way up the far stairwell to my floor.

"Son of a bitch," I muttered.

The whole damn building was on fire.

It wasn't long before the flames reached me, their appetite not sated the goods in the warehouse had decided that I, Leon Dawson, would make a wonderful meal. Slowly, the tongues of flame licked their way across the walls and floor to me as I continued to struggle against the cuffs. Yet the closer they came the thicker the air got and the more desperate my resolve.

The warehouse groaned as chunks of debris fell about me. With a loud crash a pieces of rebar and mortar landed just within reach. I knew what I had to do and it was going to hurt.

Quickly I grabbed the hot rock and screamed to the heavens. I clutched it tightly in my right hand and slammed it against my left with a sickening crunch. My stomach turned, pain shot through my hand as I raised the rock again and brought it down again on my fingers again and again. Each crack of the rock broke the bones in my fingers and hand until I could pull it free from the cuff. Each time I broke and rebroke my hand I cursed the name of the cartoon pony who got me into this mess. Twilight Sparkle.

****

Toons I'd never been a big fan of them. However, when you're behind on your rent, your car is in hock and your ex-wife complains to the judge that you aren't paying her enough and he agrees, their checks cash as well as anybody's. When that toon just happens to be one of the biggest stars on one of the biggest shows in the world and one of her "handlers" asks you to come up to Vancouver on a ticket she's paying for you get on that plane.

So here I am sitting in a pastel colored waiting room with knock off Picasso paintings hung on the wall and Old Mother Goose magazines, wondering why on Gods green earth am I being asked to come in for an interview from one of the executives for Hasbro. With my record being the way it is I would be the last person they would want for a job like this. My gut was sending me all kinds of warning signs. Signs I should have really listened to, but money or lack of kept me glued to the seat waiting to see whoever it was that sent me here to do some work on the My Little Pony show.

My Little Pony is about six magical ponies that spread the magic of friendship all around, sing-songs and do a lot of hugging. A snowflake of good vibes wrapped in the pita bread of diabetic inducing cuteness served on the plate of feel-goodness.

Glancing at myself in the mirror attached to one of the walls I saw Leon Dawson, the thin, unshaven private and public dick who has hair like J. Jonah Jamison and more miles on him than his age would indicate. He’s a man who isn’t a fan of cartoon shows and yet has protected the toons themselves.

"Mr. Dawson," said a voice snapping me out of my thoughts, "You can go in now."

It was a short walk as I was led by the friendly silent receptionist to my new employer's office. And to tell you the truth I was quite surprised. You would think that someone who worked with cartoons all day would have an office that reflected that. Morgues had more warmth that this place. It was metallic, it was sterile, it was the kind of place where people plotted world domination. In the middle, behind a desk sat my new boss Kelly Stiller.

She was a young lawyer from Hasbro. She was a cute dame, her cloths were conservative but still showed a shapely figure nothing short of a potato sack could hide. She wore those thick wireframe glasses people usually bought to make themselves look smarter than they actually were in my book. I could also tell after five minutes of being with her that she didn't like me one bit, probably thinking of me as some thug with a gun and not a brain inside my head. Next to her stood a purple pony with wings and a horn, giving me a look that I should get a gold star for knowing how to use a door knob. Introducing herself as Twilight Sparkle.

I could already tell we were all going to be good friends. Maybe go camping, make s'mores while we're their, as we sing "Row-your-Boat."

"We have a problem." said Kelly handing me a plain manila folder. "And we.."

I glared at the toon as she coughed harshly, barely covering the HA.

"...I feel that you are the best man for the job." she said not missing a beat.

I quickly glanced through the folder. It was a collection of letters growing more threatening and indecent as I looked at the next one.

"How long has this been going on Mrs. Sparkle?" I asked.

"That's Ms. Sparkle," she said with cool indignance as she lit up a cigarette, "call me Ms. Twilight Sparkle."

"How about I call you sunshine, will that make you feel better," I snapped the long trip and her attitude was finally getting to me.

"His name is Jason Schwartz and he's been stalking her since season one," said Kelly fanning herself to keep the smoke away, "At first he was harmless, sending letters to Twilight about how much he liked the show and things of that nature. Starting around season five it took a weird turn as he started getting more obsessive."

"How," I asked.

"What do they usually want Mr. Dawson?" said Twilight Sparkle as she blew her smoke in my face. "He wanted pictures of me in certain poses and dress. He demanded that I date him and when I refused he got angry. Like I was some pommel horse to be manhandled."

"Death Threats?"

"None yet." said Kelly letting the pause answer what she thought of how dangerous he thought this guy was.

"I don't know why we can't just call the police and let them deal with it," griped Twilight before turning her attention back to me, "This guy is a fruitcake and the last thing I want is some third rate shamus following me around."

"You're right, I can't imagine why anyone would want to off you."

I could see The Princess of Friendship ready to tell me off again but stopped when Kelly held her hand up.

"As tempting as that sounds I would still like to keep this contained. This is a kids show after all."

"You sure he's not just some crazed brony? It takes all kinds to make a fandom," I said. As good as the money that was being offered I still found a desire to walk away from this. Let my buddy Jack take the job, he was a toon head after all. He would probably crap his pants if he could baby-sit this stuck-up pony.

Twilight Sparkle blew a stream of smoke into my face again. Giving me a look reserved for something that crawled out of a sewer. I have to give credit for restraining myself from doing something that would have probably gotten me arrested. "Yes Mr. Dawson," Twilight said making my name sound like something dirty. "I am sure this is more than just some insane fan living in his basement who has spent too much time watching my show."

"Indeed Dawson," said Ms. Stiller, "We feel he really wants Twilight Sparkle dead."

"But why," I asked, "Who would want to kill a toon?"

"You should know all about that." said Twilight Sparkle with a slight smile across her face knowing full well she scored a deep hit.

Despite the investigation, the trial that was shown on Cartoon Network and The Hub, despite everything I was still considered a killer who got away scott free because of a broken justice system. I could see that this was a bad idea and I told her so by slamming the door on the way out. If it wasn't for Ms. Kelly offering me triple the amount to stay I would have been on the first flight back to California before she had time to call security. But honestly it still did ask a lot of questions.

"Something doesn't add up in all of this. You're paying me a lot of money to watch over this toon. When I'm sure their are people closer and cheaper to do this, and just as good as me."

"Don't call us that," snapped Twilight Sparkle, "Toon is a degrading word to us."

"Would spoiled be a better term?" I said letting my irritation get the better of me.

"I didn't ask for you Mr. Dawson. Let's be clear on that. If it wasn't for the execs at Hasbro you would still be looking for a job at McDonalds," said Twilight Sparkle sneering at me. "I read what you did and you can trust me when I say that you are the last person who I want to be protecting me."

I could feel my temper getting the best of me again, as this damn toon pony telling me off as to what I can and cannot say. I was about to give her a piece of my mind. When Stiller held her hand up reminding me of the money. For better or worst I was stuck with Twilight Sparkle for awhile. Following them both as I let them lead me into Equestria.

Comments

[Kurolothgarian]

7118629
One, it isn't in the Who Framed Roger Rabbit world it draws from, toon or reality.
Two, the detective is not Eddie Valiant.
Three, if you couldn't use the base idea in a story that was already done, you would find it hard to write anything. Not to mention, this was written well.

[Opium4TmassS]

7128112 Thank you for the compliment.

[Schroedingers_Katze]

Wow, just one chapter and I allready am siding with the psycho who propably will try to kill Bitchlight.

[Snyperwulff0]

Man this takes me back to the first time I saw WFRB. I'm loving this already man. Holy shit keep it up man, keep it up.