• Published 12th Apr 2016
  • 919 Views, 19 Comments

Behind the Scenes - Opium4TmassS



Detective Leon Dawson is hired to protect Twilight Sparkle on the set of "My Little Pony."

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Death is spelled with Ponies

Riding with a grumbling pony giving me the evil eye was no fun as we entered the fuzzy world of Equestria where the magic of My Little Pony is filmed. I don't have to tell you I already felt the need for an insulin shot as we passed through a tunnel separating the rest of Vancouver from it.

"Oh my god," I muttered to myself as she parked the car. "I must have died and gone to saccharine hell."

We followed Kelly through a maze of colorful landscapes, film equipment and stages watching toons and people work round the clock on a show. It had all the bells and whistles you expect. Directors, cameramen, sound editors, caterers, hangers-on. Felt like a goddamn circus and I was the clown. However, it was my job and I'd play the part to the best of my ability and keep that purple punk safe.

The next two weeks were C-SPAN procedural vote boring. Watching Twilight run through her scenes with other ponies whose name and faces I couldn't bother to remember, could have been the cure for insomnia. Jumbling into a technicolor blur of colors.The one thing that stood out during those two weeks was how the Princess of Friendship on the show did not translate to the real world.

As soon as the director yelled that's a wrap with her scene. She would march back to her trailer without a word to anyone. I could tell her fellow actresses weren't going to shed any tears for her when she wasn't on the set. More than once security was called to break up a squabble between the co-stars. The only time peace would be restored on set was when they weren't there and were busy doing whatever cartoon ponies do. Eat hay I suppose.

During those two weeks I often found myself lingering on set when Twilight went to her trailer. She'd made it perfectly clear that I wasn't needed there on the first day and slammed the door in my face. Still, I kept my eyes and ears open for anything suspicious.

Suddenly a loud crash followed by a string of profanity echoed through set. I quickly ran toward the sounds unsure if it was the dreaded Schwartz or something else. When I finally got to the scene I could see a small yellow pegasus whipping odds and ends at a large, weird dragon thing. "Get the hell away from me before I call security," she screamed.

"Calm down both of you," begged the pony in the middle nervously, "Now is not the time for this. Security has caught wind of some Equestria Daily people sniffing around for a story. We don't need to give them yet another 'Fluttershy and Discord Duke it Out on Set' story do we?"

"Well tell Discord that the restraining order is still in effect.," said Fluttershy to the pleading pony before bellowing at Discord, "Two hundred feet away unless we're in a scene together!"

"And you can explain why you didn't let me have our daughter for the weekend as we agreed," the dragon-thingy yelled back. "I have a court order for that as well."

"She didn't want to be with someone who, and I quote, '...is more interested in chasing pony plot than being with his daughter.' so I cancelled it. What's the matter? Didn't want Jingle catching you in bed again with, who are you sleeping with now? Sunset Shimmer? Tree Hugger? Starlight Glimmer I bet."

"That's a load of horseshi...."

"Enough!" screamed the pony in the middle finally losing her patience, "both of you can either go to your trailers right now until we figure out what we are going to do. Or I will have security escort the two of you off Equestria and you can explain to our bosses why that happened."

Discord and Fluttershy glared at the bright blue pony. Their gazes fixed on her like those of ravenous wolves on a tethered sheep. Yet, the pony remained unfazed by the venomous looks cast her way. "Don't think I won't," she said curtly and leaned in so close that the breaths of the pair before her caused her white mane to tremble.

After what felt like an eternity Fluttershy relented and broke her gaze with the blue pony. "You know where to find me," she finally said coolly before glancing back at Discord and spitting out a, "With MY daughter."

Discord narrowed his eyes but didn't fall for the bait and instead silently stomped toward me. His shoulder bumped into mine in what some what have considered forceful, but didn't move me much. As he brushed by I noticed an odd color on his left hip. "You got some paint on you." I said causing him to turn back to me.

"What," he asked.

"On your hip."

"Oh!" said Discord looking down. "I um had to stop by animation earlier for a touch up, must have bumped into something there." Then without further ado he continued on his way even quicker than before but, less angry.

"Sorry you had to see that," said the blue pony with a sigh. "They really do love each other despite what it looks like, which I guess makes them able to hurt each other more. Notwithstanding what my boss said Discord is really a good guy.

"Good guy huh," I asked, "I'm sure someone in animation must think so considering the location of that paint."

"He just makes bad choices. That doesn't make him bad," said the blue pony quickly

"So what happened to them?" I asked.

"They met during the beginning shoots for season one. He was being cast to be as the main villain for the season two opener you know. One thing led to another. Before we knew it they were married and all before he'd even said his first line at the start of the second season."

"Well, that's something Miss," I said leaning toward the blue pony.

"Oh, Candy Shell."

Before I could properly introduce myself, she immediately began talking about the show, Fluttershy, Discord and all parts in between. I nodded along politely before I felt my focus begin to drift. "I'm sorry Candy Shell," I said as I watched some techs working on one exterior castle sets, "I don't watch the show. I'm only here because they're paying me to be here."

"Oh? Are you one of those anti-bronies I heard so much about?" she asked.

"I'm anti a lot of things," I began, "but since I don't even know what a brony is. I can't say I know what the opposite of that is."

"Well when I moved here I was given a lecture by Hasbro about the anti-brony group that reside in Vancouver. They can be pretty nasty to us cartoons. I haven't personally seen what they can do but I've heard stories.

"Such as?"

"You know," said Candy Shell, "melting ponies in vats of paint thinner. Stuff like that."

"Sounds brutal."

Candy Shall nodded as an involuntary shiver went through her. "We thought that was what happened to Cinnamon Swirl."

"Who?"

"One of the many mistakes Discord made," Candy Shell paused, "We thought Fluttershy had gotten hold of some of those anti-bronies and had her, well you know."

"Sounds like I should probably steer clear of Fluttershy then."

"Oh," Candy Shell waved her forehooves, "Fluttershy didn't have her melted. Just fired. Cinnamon Swirl is working at a Tim Hortons now. That said though, she did let the rumor persist."

"Fluttershy can be pretty vindictive when she wants to be."

"Well when you find someone you love in bed with someone else how would you feel?" said Candy Shell. "Hopefully she will learn her lesson about staying away from other ponies property."

"Really," I muttered, "If that's what you think of Fluttershy, what do you think of Twilight Sparkle?"

Candy Shell blanched. Her eyes darted about as if she was half expecting somebody to come out of the shadows and nab her, "Why look at the time. I-I really should be going. Fluttershy probably wants her iced coffee and and and it was good talking with you whoever you are."

"Leon," I said leaning toward the pony, "and she can't be that bad. Cold and spoiled I'll give you, but nothing that can be that scary."

"She's had every assistant fired, often for the smallest offense. She's the reason why two of our best writers left the show and why Ms. Faust, the creator, was let go. Twilght Sparkle is the devil."

"How is she towards the other?"

"They pretty much stick to themselves mostly. Although Rainbow Dash was the one trying the hardest to keep the group together. That is until she discovered the nightlife of Vancouver, I am surprised how she is able to party all night and still be on set when the sun rolls around. I really have to go Mr. Leon. Please don't tell anypony I told you about any of this!"

I drew an x over my chest and raised my right hand, "Scouts honor."

Candy Shell smiled and thanked me before hurrying off. I watched her as she ran off and sighed. "Thank God the checks clear," I muttered to myself as I slowly walked back toward the general vicinity of Twilight Sparkle's trailer.

I let what she told me sink in and roll around my head. They needed to be analyzed word for word for anything that could be helpful But now wasn't the time. "Thank you for your help Candyshell. You better head over to Fluttershy before things get worse for you."

Candyshell let out a small sigh over the thought of what was going to happen later on. "Fluttershy can be quick to get angry, but she's even quicker to forgive. Hopefully she will understand why I did what I had to do for her."

"I'm sure she will," I said watching her go as I was deciding if I could sneak away to get myself something to drink.

"Got a light?" asked a voice from behind me.

"You will be a brunette with large breasts and legs that go all the way up," I said out loud.

"What?"

I turned and saw a pink pony eyeing me from next to one of the costume racks. Her hair looked similar to chewed up watermelon bubblicious gum. Quickly I surmised who it was. "Pinkie Pie right?"

"You got it. You must have been one heck of a cop back in the day," she replied evenly without much in the way of feeling.

"How'd you know I was a cop?"

Pinkie shrugged, "It's in the way you stand, your haircut. Heck if I didn't know Twilight had hired you I'd figure you were trying to do some undercover work."

"What would I find if I was?"

"Dunno," she said as she stepped closer, "So, got a light?"

I offered up my Zippo as she pulled out a Lucky and lit it before bumming a smoke off of her as well. I lit my cigarette while she inhaled it deeply, like it was the only thing she'd ever wanted, yet there was no joy in her face. Never once did she smile as she took drag after drag on her cigarette. "Don't have to worry about lung cancer I take it," I asked sarcastically.

"One of the benefits of being an animation," said Pinkie drily, "I can pretty much do whatever I want and bounce back from it. Well, except for type casting. Nobody bounces back from that so easily."

It turned out that Pinkie Pie had been a serious actress once. She'd studied acting at the Lee Strasberg Institute and followed that up with several successful dramatic roles in plays like Death of a Salesman and Wait Until Dark. It wasn't long before the small screen took notice and in an effort to widen her appeal took on a role at, My Little Pony. "Who knew it would be such a huge hit," she muttered as she stamped out the butt of her cigarette, "I certainly didn't. If I did I'd have asked for more money and a character that isn't a sugar addicted ADHD nutcase."

I'm sure somebody did," I said with a shrug," Someone always seems to know."

"Yeah well, this show's killed my career," muttered Pinkie Pie with a sigh, "Last year I landed the role of a forensic examiner on a show called Whispers of the Dead. I'd studied for that role for months. Do you have any idea what the face of someone who drops their cell phone while texting then gets into a head on collision at seventy kilometers per hour looks like?"

"Yeah, I do."

"So do I," said Pinkie Pie, "And the moment I show up on screen some A-hole in the test audience shouts, 'Look it's Pinkie Pie,' and then the jokes started. Before I knew it I was canned and recast."

"Sorry to hear that."

"Eh it could be worse. I could be stuck doing that cartoon porn crap that fills the internet. How any of them make any money is beyond me." Pinkie Pie cast a sidelong glance at me before turning her head to look at me fully, "You look familiar."

No I don't," I grumbled.

"Yeah you do," she said eying me, "Wait a second. You're Leon Dawson. The Cartoon Killer Leon Dawson."

I grumbled audibly as I walked away from the pink pony who was now in hot pursuit. She began to pepper me with questions about the case and the trial. Each question grated on my nerves more and more until finally I couldn't take anymore. "Look I spent almost two years of my life behind one set of bars or another. Thanks to that damn trial and the bullshit around it I lost my job, my pension and my wife split with most of my money. Even though there were three toons on that jury and I was acquitted I get the cold shoulder or worse from you guys. Frankly, it's ruined my life, but when I did it damn it I know I saved someone. Doesn't that count for anything?"

Pinkie Pie fell silent for awhile her eyes twitching back and forth as she tried to figure out what to say next. Finally she said in her usual even tone, "I'm sorry Dawson. I didn't know. It was just such a big deal for us, especially since some of us knew the pony you put down."

"Licorice Whip."

"Yeah her," Pinkie Pie said quietly before saying, "Tell you what, I'm going to help you out. Got any questions about what's going on around here. I can probably answer them and if not I know who can."

"You wanna help? Fine. Tell me about Jason Schwartz."

"Twilight's biggest fan and newest stalker?"

"Yeah."

"Eh, not much to tell. I mean I'm sure you got a file on him from what's her name."

"Tell me what's not in the file."

Pinkie Pie shrugged, "Jason Schwartz is just a creeper. He fixated on Twilight and kept sending her love letters, pictures, notes and all the usual crap. He's kind of cute in that lost in the weeds puppy dog that doesn't understand what no is sort of way."

"So you've seen him before?"

"Only when he's been dragged out of here."

"Do you think he's as dangerous as they fear?"

Pinkie Pie glared at me then rolled her eyes, "Well, I wouldn't leave him in a room of brightly colored ponies with his pants off if that's what you mean. Honestly, what's most off putting is that he keeps getting in and security hasn't figured out how that's possible."

"Do you think he wants to kill her?"

"Oh detective," said Pinkie Pie with a small smile, "Who doesn't?"

In an instant that marble look returned as she stared at me for a few moments. It seemed contemplative but, whether it was because of something she'd said or something I'd said I wasn't sure. "Well, I need to get back to my trailer and get ready for the next scene," she said signaling that this discussion was over. "Good luck protecting Twilight," she said as she turned away and started walking toward her trailer before shouting back to me, "There are two things you need to be mindful of around here Dawson."

"What's that?"

Keep your eyes open for the proper clearance badges and your ears open to the rumors that are floating around here," stated Pinkie, "Loose lips and all that."

"Yeah," I muttered before uttering a curse under my breath and dropped the smoldering butt of my cigarette to the floor. I hadn't taken a drag since I lit the damned thing. I threw the butt on the floor and crunched it under my shoe and let the janitors clean it up. I had a client to watch over and her break was almost up.

I flanked Twilight as she made her way to the set with Kelly. The two of them continued to discuss some business matters that I wasn't a part of. I kept my eyes open as best as I could and scanned the area but, found myself distracted by the conversations I'd had earlier that day with both Pinkie Pie and Candy Shell. Petty dramas and jealousies between actors wasn't anything new. Heck, obsessed fans weren't anything knew either and yet, something about this situation felt off.

It was then I felt it. That thing that crawls down deep into your stomach and gives it a good twist and makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up. Something was very wrong. I looked up and slowly began scanning the set and stage hands closely for familiar faces and badges.

Slowly my eyes wandered over toward one of the forest backdrops. It was there I saw him, Jason Schwartz, in all his glory. He was a thin man pale man in a black hoodie and black jeans. He was a shadow among shadows. The consummate wallflower. Only this wallflower could be poisonous. Slowly he turned in my direction and I could see that under his hoodie was a T-shirt featuring the rainbow maned member of the cast and that tucked in his waistband was something long and possibly sharp.

"Ah hell," I muttered as I looked away from him and toward Kelly. I've never liked to rub shoulders with lawyers but as I leaned in and muttered that I needed to get a sandwich, the look she gave me confirmed my general disdain. "She'll be fine for the next five minutes, I promise."

I nonchalantly made my way around the various crew members and set pieces. I glanced over at Schwartz, his attention was completely on Twilight as she continued to chat with Ms. Stiller completely unaware. I slowly changed the course of my walk and made a bee line toward the stalker until I was a few feet behind him. He was shorter than me and as I looked over his shoulder I could tell he had something in his hand. Whether it was a note or a picture I couldn't say but I tapped him on the shoulder anyway and asked, "So is looking at the stars fun?"

"What?"

"Got a security pass kiddo?"

"Oh yeah," he said reaching toward his waistband.

"Nice boys don't play with sharp things you know."

"Well I guess I'm half nice," he said with a smirk. Then, in a move of surprising speed he closed the distance and sucker punched me in the gut and pulled away awkwardly and stumbled over his feet to the floor. Yet as soon his ass hit the floor he was up and ran directly toward the now aware Twilight Sparkle.

The punch staggered me for a moment, but not long enough to keep me down. I was in hot pursuit and as I caught up to him I could see just over his shoulder the face of Twilight Sparkle. Her eyes wide with shock and fear as the two of us closed in on her. I reached out and grabbed his hood yanking him backward toward me the piece of paper that was in his hand went airborne as he tumbled back into my chest.

Schwartz growled and spun toward me. His right hand now clenched in a fist. He swung wildly and missed catching my shoulder as he found his way to the floor once again.

Quickly I moved in behind him and wrapped my arm firmly around his neck my elbow pointing straight down then clasped my free should with the same arm I had wrapped around his neck. Finally, I pushed his head forward shrugged my shoulders up. It wasn't long before Schwartz kicked less and less and eventually stopped moving all together. "Somebody get those fat ass rent a cops over here and maybe a few real officers while your at it. I can do this all day but he can't."

As I held Schwartz in the choke hold I looked over at Twilight Sparkle. Her eyes were as big as saucers and her mouth hung open. Whenever he twitched she took another half step back trembling. "You don't have to worry. He's not going to take another step toward you," I said calmly.

I didn't let him go until security along with a couple of Mounties showed up to haul his sorry butt away. "Oh man. For a little guy he could throw a punch. I'll probably pee blood tonight," I said picking up the piece of paper, "I wonder what this is."

Kelly quickly grabbed the piece of paper from me. It quickly tore in my hand as she looked at her portion of it. "Hey there grabby hands whatever happened to please," I growled.

"Fruitcake," Kelly muttered as she crumpled up the paper, "He broke in just to try to give her another stupid picture from the internet."

"I see," I said pocketing my piece of the picture, "Lot of work to break into a place with a sharpened screwdriver just to deliver a picture."

"Like I said fruitcake."

I rolled my eyes and looked over at Schwartz's apparent target, Twilight Sparkle. She sat curled up in a ball off to the side her face buried in her forelegs. When she did finally manage to look up she stared off into nothingness and at the nobody who came by to console her. It was a look I'd seen a number of times while I was on the force and one I'd worn while on trial. It was hopelessness.

In that moment I realized something was truly rotten in Equestria. Whatever it was I was going to figure it out.