Mamihlapinatapai

by WritingSpirit

Entry #3

Love is disgusting.

Those were my mother's wise words, handed down to me back when I was still a colt at preschool, much like how a position in the royal guard was handed down to me before I was even born. You'd probably be wondering how disgusting love can be; the two key words should be on opposite ends of the spectrum, after all. Well, to give it a little bit of context, my mother was wed to another stallion before she met my father. From what I learned, she loved the other stallion very, very much, so much that she would follow him to the ends of the earth if he went there. Of course, things happened, he was caught cheating and they eventually split up. I don't know what happened then, but after that, she supposedly hated that stallion so much that if he went to the ends of the earth, she would be the first to push him over. Eventually, she and my father met, took a liking to each other, wedding bells were rung and presto, I came into existence, ready to serve in the guard.

A colt's best friend is his mother. Though those words may seem wholly inadequate in the present circumstances, or any circumstance for that matter, it proved to be true. If it wasn't for the letter of worry she sent me, I wouldn't be here right now, striding along the nimbus alleyways between the cirriform bungalows. I had considered taking the quicker route of the main road up by the Rainbow Grande, but I don't want to risk anyone here noticing my presence, not with the situation right now. Unlike in Ponyville, Cloudsdale has folks who wouldn't want more than to cause a scene just because one or two of us didn't like the way someone's teeth was showing. I'd blame the historically-brash pride of the pegasi for that.

"Flash? Young master, is that you?"

The cloud bungalow that I had lived in before serving in the guard still stands tall and proud, towering above all the others; an architectural showcase of the dignity and respect the family it houses had gathered since the dawn of time. It's so wide that it has its own plot of cloud jutting out of the Cloudsdale base, which became the basis of surprise and, soon afterwards, the envy of all my friends I met in my years at school. Pierce once made a remark about me being born with a golden, gem-encrusted spoon in my mouth, though unlike most of the wealthy families I know of, we don't like to intimidate others with our wealth; my father explicitly stated that it would go against every tenet that our family had stood for. Honestly, I'm really, really glad for that.

The pony poking her head out of the double doors that I had just knocked on belonged to Marmalade June, the housekeeper of the estate. She was a scrawny pegasus mare well past her sixties, yet her iron voice was as solid as it ever was, coming in a close second to my father's mythril tongue. Despite the tough, no-nonsense facade, Mrs. June's spirit was notably kind, always meaning well even if it doesn't look like it. I owe a lot to her for taking care of me along with my parents, which only made my unannounced visit a little more painful.

"Mrs. June, are my parents home?" I asked in a low voice.

"Sir's out on a trip and M'am's in the study right now," she answered, before suddenly letting out a hacked gasp. "Oh, what am I thinking, making you stand there? Come in, young master, come in!"

I was beckoned inside, returning into the warm embrace of the place I had called home. You know that feeling of nostalgia brewing up the nodes in the head? You know, where all these memories of your younger self running down the hallways and up the stairs after finally seeing your home for the first in a long time? I'd thought maybe it will happen to me when I stepped through the doors, I really did, though all that came to greet me was a cold, distant emptiness; the same feeling I had when I stepped into Ponyville General Hospital after what happened. It reminded me of my encounter with Shining Armor and Princess Cadance, as well as when I received the letter my mother sent me. With that, it reminded me of my purpose here as well.

"Do you want anything, young master? A drink or perhaps something to eat?"

"Oh, uh..." I managed to smile. Being with Twilight for so long, I was so accustomed to serving the Princess that being served by the maids like how it was in my days of adolescence just felt like a whole new experience. Perhaps on any other day, I would love to have a little taste of the fruit juice she made for me when I was a foal, just to reawaken some of my old memories, though I wasn't feeling particularly thirsty. I was drowning, remember? "It's alright. I'm just here to talk to mother, then I'll be taking my leave."

"Oh, but it is already late out, young master! I'm sure your mother would want you to stay for the night."

"Not now," I replied, what paltry confidence I have left withering away. "Not with what's going on."

Mrs. June opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out; instead she wrapped it all up with an understandable nod. Perhaps before my arrival, the household was coming to terms with whatever that had happened— no, it's whatever that was believed to have happened. It was a field of slanderous rumors, disprovable accusations and questionable eyewitness accounts out there. The only ones who supposedly knew what happened were the two ponies that the story was surrounding upon, both of whom aren't available for questions; one by circumstance, the other by choice, mostly because all of it was, for some reason, hidden beneath a blur. The flood of speculation was rising up to my neck and it would be any minute before I would be gasping for air.

"I'll go and get M'am."

With that, Mrs. June left the room, leaving me alone. I was accustomed with being alone— no, wait, sorry, that made it sound like I was volunteering. Rather, I was numbed to being alone. Ponies talk about how the loneliness would get to you, like a withdrawal symptom that comes with the lack of interaction. In my case, I just found myself wanting to be alone. I just wanted a little time to myself, a little moment to unpack everything that's happened before heading out into the world again. I don't wish for pure loneliness, however; just a close circle of ponies to talk to and understand what's going on, you know; ponies whom I could trust. From what I heard, they're really scarce in numbers these days.

"Flash?"

Clementine Genoise Sentry is a free spirit as much as she is my mother. Before that, she was a wandering spirit, constantly looking, constantly searching for her place in life. That wanderlust of hers brought her to many places and taught her many things, though that all came to an end when she decided to settle down with my father. When I was born, most of her past life had been discarded, but her wanderlust remained strong, joining my father on every business trip and leaving me in the care of Mrs. June. Throughout that time, I've always felt more blessed than ignored, knowing that my parents are having the time of their lives together when other families couldn't strive to even stare at each other in the eye. She would eventually tire out, however, as the idea of age began setting its foundations in her mind. Now, while my father's staying strong with his trips, she's just perfectly content to be at home, especially when I'm around.

"Hey, Mom."

"It really is you!" my mother cried, giving me a hug. "Oh, sweet merciful Celestia! All those horrid things on the news, all those talks about you and the princess... I was worried sick, Flash Sentry! I was worried that you might never come back!"

"I read your letter."

"That you did, Flash, and I'm glad you've decided to come home."

"I'm here only for a while, Mom," I stated, much to her disdain. "You said you wanted to make sure I'm fine and that's why I'm here, but I told Mrs. June I can't stay right now. I don't want to bring you or Dad into this, Mom. I don't want the journalists and everyone else coming here and storming the house just to ask some questions about me."

A sullen frown grew upon my mother's face.

"With the way things are going, it's bound to happen eventually," she persisted.

"I know, but at least it wouldn't be because of something I've done."

"Flash, please don't say that."

I bit my lips, my jaw clenched tight. How many times have I blamed myself already? How many times have I asked myself whether it really happened? Murder, the papers called it. Murder. They may be right, they may be wrong, no one can really be sure. It's all a big guessing game, like some twisted form of Scropdinger's Cat, boxed up in the operating theater while the rest of the world gambles whether she's living or dead; whether it was an accident or I'm a murderer. It's a disgusting game of chance summoned by the papers and the airwaves. It's a big fucking cesspool of cash wavering over the gambling minds of the greedy and we're all fucking monsters for playing it.

"You heard the radio, didn't you?" I asked.

My mother nodded grimly.

"Then you know why I shouldn't be here."

"And why wouldn't you be?" she chastened. "I'm your mother, for Faust's sake! Just because I heard something on the radio doesn't mean I should feel safer with my own son not around in my house! I don't care for one fucking second what the radio host says because you're my son! You'll always be my son and I'll always love you, Flash Sentry! I'll always love you!"

"Mom, they're calling me a murderer!" I found myself yelling. "If you or Dad got hurt because some ponies around the neighborhood broke into the house just to get me, you know what that does to me? I don't want you to get hurt, Mom! I don't want you to get hurt because I was there! So please!"

My mother weaseled out a shaky sigh, one hoof planted on her aching forehead with eyes clenched shut. "Fine, just... fine, fine," she hiccuped. "Just... you have somewhere you can stay, don't you?"

"A friend of mine, down in Ponyville. I just want to be there when they make the announcement."

She pursed her lips, eyes beginning to shimmer. "And if she... didn't make it?"

I couldn't afford to look for an answer.

---

Shining Armor was a stallion of many titles.

To Princess Cadance, he was the kind and genial husband, a family colt.

To Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, he was a loyal guardspony, gifted with an unyielding stance for justice.

To the Crystal Empire, he was the valiant leader, sharing the banner of freedom and glory alongside his wife.

To most, if not all, of my fellow guards, he was the leading exemplar of what the Royal Guard should be.

To me, he was a stranger I'm joined by on a train ride.

I never really knew who Shining Armor was. In fact, I was already associated with her sister by the time we had our first proper chat. Heard of him, certainly, even way before I joined the guard. Back then, he was a promising recruit, diligently working his way up to where he was now. Even after I was transferred to the Crystal Empire, I didn't really socialize with him much, mostly because I didn't want to bother him. He's a busy stallion, as my sense of duty and responsibility had told me; the fact that he was married enforced it further. All that only made the circumstances leading to our first close encounter with each other much more strange and awkward.

"You look nervous."

"A little, yeah," I admitted. "Listen, Sir, I'm not quite sure if I'm ready for this job."

"I'm just following orders, Private. If the princesses think you're a suitable candidate, then you are one."

"But to be the personal bodyguard for Princess Twilight Sparkle? Don't you think it would be better to have someone more experienced for this post?"

Shining Armor gave a disgruntled sigh; looks like I'm not the only one frustrated at this. "I thought the same, Private, but she insisted on you despite that," he said. "Then again, it wouldn't hurt just to send somepony if she really wants it, no matter how inexperienced that pony can be. It's not like there's anything threatening Equestria right now and even if there is, she can handle it like she always did."

I widened my smile, surprised at how my facade was holding up despite how insulted I feel. So here I am on this train ride to this small town called Ponyville with the title of Twilight Sparkle's Royal Bodyguard being just a fancy pseudonym? I didn't want to believe that it was happening to me! How could a pony, much less a princess, have the ecstatic audacity to just snatch away the life of somepony else for the sake of their own enjoyment? How could another pony, much less the Captain of the Royal Guard who apparently preaches the whole 'blood is thicker' fiasco a little too strongly, completely brush it off like it's just another joke? How am I supposed to explain this to my father? Celestia's fucking Neapolitan ice cream mane, he'll be mad at the guard for making it happen; he'll be even madder at me for letting it happen!

"Twilight took a liking to you."

My lungs constricted when he said that, briefly leaving me choking for air. "S-Sorry, sir?" I responded meekly. I heard him the first time, though I wanted to be sure. "You said that the princess... likes me?"

The captain didn't seem all too pleased from the looks of it, as did I. I knew from the get-go that this whole bodyguard business was a little fishy, but I didn't realize it was actually all for Princess Twilight to get to know me better! This wasn't a recruitment; it was an arranged date! I should've suspected it to happen as much as Pierce did; I could already hear his snarky tone calling it out from the Empire. Why she liked me was really all just a strange mystery: we've never really met, I don't really know her much and I'm guessing she doesn't really know about me either. Whatever she saw in me was lost to Shining Armor as well, as he looked visibly frustrated right now, perhaps mostly at me. After all, I did get the shouting of a lifetime from him yesterday for trying to protest against this.

"Okay..." I mumbled, fidgeting in place from what I'm about to say next. "Sir, can I be really honest with you?"

"Certainly, Private."

"I'm not sure if I'm the right candidate for this... job."

That was the second time I said that, albeit with a different reasoning. I hoped Shining Armor was perceptive enough to see that. Suffice to say, he wasn't exactly pleased with my answer. Being on public transit, however, he refrained from shouting out loud, instead summoning a heart-squeezing glare to counter my statement. Feeling it ripping apart my chest, I apologized immediately after, shuffling about in my seat and drawing my gaze out the window to the landscape speeding by. The snow-capped hills I had been seeing for a while now had changed into a wonderful, nostalgic painting of green meadows. I could already feel the air warming up around me, the sunlight that once gave me a cold glare now running across my coat with a passionate sincerity.

"Give her a chance."

I looked over my shoulder, finding the captain staring at me. "A chance?" I asked.

"Yeah, a chance. Look, I know she's asking a little too much from the guard, from you especially, but between you and me, she never has this much interest in a pony before, much less a colt, to the extent that she would find some unorthodox loophole around the law and made sure you were her personal bodyguard."

That alone was enough to frighten me.

"She wants to get to know you better, Flash Sentry, she really does. It's something she decided to do for herself, which really means something if you know her well. Seeing her made this far, I didn't want to disappoint her. You saw how that turned out for me yesterday, didn't you? You were taking the full brunt of it, after all. For that, I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have shouted at you the way I did yesterday."

I nodded in silence, giving a smile.

"We'll see how it goes, alright?" he proposed. "You can report back to me every week. If you decided that you might like her or you don't, just be honest and let her know, alright? Either way, she has to learn about them eventually, so I wouldn't mind what you do with her, just as long as you take good care of her. You are her personal bodyguard, after all. Can you promise me that?"

It happened in a fleeting moment in a window of time, much like a view from the train ride. The landscapes are forever changing; one blink and you might miss something important. Thankfully, I was aware of the circumstances I was to be placed in. What I wasn't aware of were the ramifications that came later, the changes that tarnished those green meadows and tainted those blue skies outside. What I wasn't aware of was the trail I had trodden upon, whisking and winding in the darkness. If I had only known then that the trail would plunge into a steep cliff, if I had only known then that I was on the road to being accused as a murderer...

"Will do, sir," I answered with naive confidence.

And I shall only inch every step closer...

---

Love is disgusting.

Those were my mother's wise words.

Do I find love disgusting? Sometimes, yes, but in a different way than how most ponies do. I can handle the mushy words and sweet nothings, even the public displays of affection. What I find disgusting about love is the extremes that it could go to— not the ones you see in the movies or hear in the songs. I mean the extremes that do happen in real life. I prefer not to go in detail, but I'll leave it on the notion that reality can be much more fantastical than you might think. Love itself isn't disgusting; it's what we make of it that makes us churn, twisting our minds to become the fiendish monsters you'd read on the paper on every other day.

"Are you ready yet, Twilight?"

"Just a moment."

That spelled good news: I wasn't exactly confident with how I was looking right now and that gave me a little more time to adjust. It had been more than a decade since I've been in a suit after all, especially in one as stunning as this was. It was exquisitely made by one of Twilight's close friends, Rarity, who runs a popular boutique back in Ponyville and was adamant that I need not pay for it, as well as wishing me good luck. I'm not quite keen on it just yet — we have an appearance to keep up first — but I thanked her anyway. If we have some time off, then perhaps that extra wish would come into play.

I looked out of the window, into the uproar of the night outside. "So how long do you think it's gonna be?"

"Oh, probably just half an hour or so," Twilight's muffled voice replied from the bathroom. "They'll probably just want me to look over some deals and join them in their fancy talk later on."

"You don't mind?"

"I did once, but I got used to it. Then again, if it gets too boring, I'll find some way to skip out. You would love that, wouldn't you Flash?"

I couldn't help but chuckle. "Would I?" I proclaimed cheekily.

"If I'm going to be the one standing at the corner and watch myself blabber with the rich, you know the verdict."

Shaking my head, I glanced at the flurry of lights outside the window, all of it outshining the stars in the night sky. It's typical in a city like Manehattan, where the day is no different than the night. Underneath the tender gaze of Lady Liberty, ponies still flock the streets, carriages still skitter across the asphalt trails, even the newsponies were yelling out the same headlines that they do in the morning. It's the city ponies turn to for hope and a new life; a city that strives on success and builds upon it; a city of monuments both living and non-living, the former trotting about the streets all to get a cut off the daily cake. We were here on an invitation from one such important monument; an offer that Twilight couldn't just readily refuse, not that I mind. After all, I've done this quite enough times and this one would be no different.

"So where do you want to go after this?" I asked over my shoulder.

"I have one place in mind."

"Oh yeah? What is it?"

"Not telling."

Well, color me surprised. "Not telling, huh?"

"Thought I might surprise you this time," Twilight answered. "Before you say anything: no, it's not the public library."

"Hey, I didn't say anything," I leaped to my defenses, though I couldn't help but snicker at her for doing my job. "You gonna give me a hint?"

"No way! If I did, you'll guess it out immediately!"

Alright then, I sighed to myself. I can count on her to surprise me anyway, even though it usually was because of my poor sense of judgement. That just made me want to skip over the little gathering already; quite a disappointing thought, coming from one from the guard, let alone from a military family. Then again, with my poor sense of judgement, I not entirely sure. I could ask Twilight for an opinion about it, though that would be disrespectful. She's here for work first and play later, I kept reminding myself, which I'm certain once again that it will be playing over and over in my head throughout the night.

The click of a lock made me turn around, only to be left breathless when Princess Twilight Sparkle stepped out of the bathroom. She was wearing a golden-orange gown, the silk fabric flowing with every twitch and movement she makes, be it a shake of her hoof to ease the slight discomfort of the golden, gilded horseshoes she was wearing or a swing of her braided mane to make sure it looked right. At my complete look of awe, she became timid, shyly glancing to the side as we both searched for something to say. Fortunately for me, I emerged victorious; unfortunately for me, it just darted past my security sensors and rolled off my tongue.

"You look beautiful."

Oh, fuck me. Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh... fucking Luna's tattooed flanks, I just said that, didn't I? I just let it out like some... oh fuck my runny buttermouth with a spiked yardstick, skewer me into a kebab and serve it to an Ursa Minor! I couldn't do anything when I said that: I just stood there, hopelessly stunned at the sudden turn of events while Twilight Sparkle fidgets her way into my head. I slapped myself internally for doing that and, in a split second, conjured something of an explanation that I strained out from the chaotic typhoon of thought in my head.

"Twilight, I—"

"Y-You really think so?"

I froze up as Twilight, startled as she was, cut me off and looked at me. Immediately, I tried to recover both my composure and my vocabulary, though I failed miserably as a result. The two of us were as red as ever and one of us was sweating as if he ate some raw chili on a hot summer's day. After what felt like an eternity of embarrassment, the first clear and concise thought came into my head: there's no turning back from this. Seeing as this happened, I tried to make the most out of it.

"Y-Yeah, I mean... yes, Y-Your Highness."

Twilight couldn't help but giggle at that. "What's with the sudden formalities?" she teased.

"I-I mean— I was being, well, I was—" I blabbered for a moment, which only elicited more laughter from her. "Ahem, a-anyways, do you want to head out now? We don't want to keep the others waiting."

To that, she gave a meek nod and a minute later, we were trotting across the hotel lobby on the way to the ballroom. We didn't really talk much on the way there. We tried to, but all we could harvest from it were awkward pauses and uncomfortable moments. I'd have to say, this isn't one of my finer moments; I just wanted to run away and cry in the back alleys somewhere. Still, at least she took it well; by the time we reached the ballroom, all the signs of it were gone and she was back to being chatty with the posh again. After all, we have an appearance to keep up first, especially when dealing with the finer members of high society. For now, we'll keep it under the wraps and save it for a later time.

Those were, in a way, my mother's wise words.

Comments

[WritingSpirit]

6907421
Glad to hear that! Also, thanks for the watch, by the way!

[AngelDCS]

Please Flash... I hope he didn't tried anything bad