Hi! My name's Jingle, but you can call me Jingle! I'm a pink unicorn who loves sweets, but honestly, who doesn't? I have a purple mane and tail. My bangs hang over my left eye when I'm not wearing my favorite fool's cap, and my tail is braided in the middle with a cute, golden bell that I've had tied to the end of my tail every morning since I was given it. I have, as many ponies have told me, very beautiful, golden-amber eyes. When I do wear my cap, I like to tuck my bangs into it, but there are days when I leave my bangs out; those days usually end with a pony accidentally ending up in the care of the Emergency Treatment Unit... Those days are weird though... Especially The Haypony Affair... That pudding wave came out of nowhere.
I was born in a small village called Silverhoof Village, which was once located in the old kingdoms, back before Equestria was founded. I was born into this world an orphan, my father having died from an illness a few weeks before my mom died giving birth to me. I know it may sound sad, but I was fine enough; sure, I spent a few years in an orphanage, but I managed to get adopted by a loving earth pony family. It was around this time of year that the snow was harsh and there were rumors that Chancellor Puddinghead and Smart Cookie were going to find a new home for everypony to live. Once they returned with news that they had discovered new territory and made a treaty with the other tribes, my adoptive family and I had journeyed with earnest hope that life would be perfect.
For a time, it was; my family started up a farm, which I helped to the best of my ability, but, unfortunately, I could only do so much; mainly I just pulled the cart and lifted things with magic, but even that went wrong sometimes; most of which was because I was distracted. I know most ponies wouldn't admit such things if they were in similar situations, but that's what happened; some times, I would forget to block the wheels of the cart, and the cart would roll away; other times, I would forget I was using my magic and I would drop something; usually, it's something wet, and, usually, it's on somepony. I suppose that may have been why I hadn't acquired my cutie mark, but it wasn't long until I found what would later lead me in finding my passion.
It happened when a travelling magician found his way into town proper. He was a grey unicorn who went by the name of Capricious, and anypony who gathered around his travelling cart was welcomed with music so dissonant, it harmonized. He started off his show by stepping out to address his audience with a hypnotic charm that could catch anypony's interest and a smile that could captivate a mare off her hooves.
"Fillies and Gentlecolts! May I have your attention please! Ye are about to see magick the likes seen only by our ancestors! Behind me lay artifacts beyond normal pony comprehension that date to times unknown! I ask that nopony let thy guard to waver in the slightest, for this is dangerous magick indeed, so dangerous, it could kill anypony who dare use it if they are too inexperienced! Ye have heard me right mine eager audience! I am risking mine own life, safety, and wellbeing to quell thy fascination! I only ask that Ye bear with mine exhibitions for three days, only then will you see the full potential these wonders hold! Until then, feel free to browse my collection of merchandise!"
A buzz of intrigue washed over the crowd as the magician stepped away and set up a little stall of miscellaneous items ranging from knic-knacks to produce, promptly turning the 'closed' sign around when finished. It was only a matter of time before the stall was crowded as several curious mares and stallions looked through his selection with both a twinge of confusion and a smidgen of awe.
"Could'st thou tell us of that hoofmirror, perchance?" an pink-maned mare asked, pointing a hoof at a bejeweled reflection.
The magician looked at the mirror and responded with a smile, "Why, of course m'lady! Thou hast a keen eye, for this mirror will make thee beautiful as long as thou looks into it. I know not why such a beautiful, young lady as thyself would be interested, but I would be willing to sell this valuable treasure to thee for the modest price of ten bits."
The mare had smiled giddily as her alabaster cheeks glowed and her wings ruffled as she turned to a blue mare, "Did thou hearest that, sister? It seems that I have won our little wager."
The magician/salespony looked on with intrigue as he leaned across the counter, "Pray tell, m'lady, would'st thou be kind enough to tell me of this wager?"
It was the blue mare who answered this time, "We wagered as to whether or not ye would be flattering in regard to my sister. She said that thou would'st, I, on the other hoof, said otherwise."
The magician sprang backward, clutching his heart, "Thou hast hurt me, O slayer of intentions harmless! I mean no ill will to thee nor thy sister, I promise. Would'st thou please accept my humblest of apologies?"
The blue mare chuckled as she wore a thoughtful guise as she 'pondered' the question before standing to attention, "If thou were to lower the price to two bits, then, perhaps, thou would'st be forgiven." a smirk announced it's presence subtly on her face.
"Hmm... ," the stallion considered aloud, "Would'st thou accept to pay eight bits instead?"
"Four bits."
"Six bits?"
"Five bits, and that's my final offer."
The magician sighed audibly, "Thou hast wit to match thy sister's beauty; 'tis almost a shame that we can't be business partners; deal."
The two mares strode up to the counter as they exchanged bits for the mirror, the blue mare being the one who paid, more than likely due to the wager mentioned earlier.
"Fair warning, m'lady; the mirror's magic will only work in complete darkness." the magician smiled.
Somepony laughed aloud. As the crowd looked around, trying to locate the sound's origin, it became all the more clear to me that I was the one who was laughing, but that didn't stop me; it only bolstered my confidence, making me laugh all the more so until I stopped only to wipe the tears from my eyes.
It was, at this point and time, apparent to me that all eyes had fixed themselves onto me, a majority of them disapproving of my outburst, the magician seeming to be the only exception as he smirked.
"My, it seems that there is yet another mare with a healthy wit; might I inquire thy name, fair lass?" the stallion inquired.
"I go by the name of 'Jingle', sir."
"Would'st thou care to receive the choice of one item free of charge as a reward for thine observant wit? 'Tis the least I could do to save my pride from being twice humbled."
Silence.
I could only stare in disbelief as this stranger waited in turn for my answer. Never before was I rewarded for my random outbursts; never before had anypony even looked at me with fascination rather than annoyance. Was it due to his newcomer status? Was it because, like some ponies, he felt pity? I could only stand there, shocked as he inquired again.
"Would'st thou, fair Jingle?"
Say something, Jingle! ANYTHING!
The squawk that came out from my mouth made me want to just bury myself alive so nopony would ever have yet another thing to tease me about.
you could do "I'm" instead of "I am"
this tells the reader that jingles has multiple personalities, so good job at that point
I find this short, but a good way to start it off allowing new readers to set themselves to see if they find it interesting or not. So far it seems interesting with a set character, and seemingly set story.
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Thanks.
I'll post it with the revisions.
Wait, what? Dropping wet things stops her from getting a cutie mark?
By the way I'd really like to know how Jingle was adopted by earth ponies. This was before all the pony groups made amens, right? There must've been at least one problem. You don't need to get into too much detail on that, just a tiny explanation.
And finally, there's a couple links I'd like for you to see;
(Commas/Semicolons) http://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide#Commas-semicolons-colons-dashes-and-ellipses
(Paragraphing) http://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide#Paragraphing
^ please look at the sentence in yellow, you've gone against it the entire story.
Alright! So I really hope you're not offended by this, cause I don't want you to be. I'm just trying to help because I see tons of potential in you. Aside from the errors, I can see you have a beautiful writing ability. I also suggest following this group https://www.fimfiction.net/group/916/school-for-new-writers/thread/150166/meta-school-directory
I hope this all helps!
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Sure, I'd love to be one of your editors! That'd be great!
Upvoted for your command of Ye Olde Tyme Speech. You actually managed to make Discord sound like Discord while correctly using Shakespearean-era thee's and thou's and generally sounding right for the time period. I can't pull that one off myself. Are you a fan of Shakespeare or other Renaissance-era writers, or do you participate in Renn Faires or something? There's really only one other writer on this site I've seen do this well with the old-style language, and he lays it on pretty thick; you have a lighter touch, better suited for the dialogue of characters who are bantering with each other. Nice.
I suspect it was intentional because you're really good with the oldstyle language, but just in case: is it intentional that Capricious addresses Jingle as thou and not you? I'm sure you know that most people would have used you with strangers, but a traveling magician/con stallion (who is going to either turn into or turn out to be Discord, plainly) might well choose to thee and thou the members of his audience, so I'm wondering if it was an intentional character bit.
Jingle is basically a unicorn cross of Pinkie and Troubleshoes, a character archetype I haven't seen much of in OCs despite the fact that they're kind of common in MLP itself. This is a good start; I'm intrigued.
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