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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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
915803 I had to do something like that, we needed a party to celebrate you doing each one of them. (I know, I know. )
But in all honesty, I couldn't think of anything that really stuck out when it came to the ending, sure I could've ended it with a "D'aw" moment, but nothing particularly good. So I did a joke instead.
915849
Hey, it's all good now! :D Don't suppose he'll be dragged to the spa (quite literaly) and get a....special massgae? ;:3
sorry man but i thought pinkie would be as random as my dreams. i have never dis-liked your stories
as i write this i'm puttting together a bass solo for fluttershy. take it easy.
You know I would really like to see a scene again where he blows up at fluttershy for whoring him out to everyone......
i do think if he went mad at this stage he would be rutted until he dies. Good or bad? I wouldn't know.
yaay, I popped her party favor!
...Yeah, I'm not doing that again.
I enjoy the aspect that the character is now actually getting frustrated. Pinkie pie was the right choice to help the character calm him down. I like where this is going and I can't wait to see what happens when discord gets on the loose
I wish I could offer actual constructive criticism. I pride myself in doing that...writing is alright, nothing too big of a problem grammar, the usual small mistakes.
One thing I need to 'criticize' is the pacing of this chapter in particular. Honestly, it seemed a little too fast. Events didn't have time to sink in.
Like for example, after the sex scene, he cums, and...!
...Suddenly, Fluttershy. What? Yeah, I know "You fell asleep", whatever. Still, it didn't feel like a lot of time passed.
If I could suggest something, I would suggest some sort of separation/break-line. Something to distinguish one part of the chapter from the next.
That would be perfect for instances like the "blindfold-all-the-way-to-her-bedroom" line. Instead of writing that, you could've started a new paragraph with "After a few minutes of being led, blindfolded, by Pinkie, something she insisted on, you find yourself in a dimly lit room, blah blah blah", y'know?
...But that's just my opinion. I mean, there's nothing wrong with what you're doing, but it does give off that 'rushed' feeling. At least, to me.
Onto the juicy part!
What you said about femdom not 'having-that-same-feeling' for you is true, then. It doesn't have anything exceptional/special (unless you count the party-favor noise, which, by the way? Pretty funny/awesome) like, for example, Twilight's scene, or even Rarity's scene.
I'm not saying that the chapter suffered because of it, but I'm saying that the chapter suffered because of it.
...Only in a minor way, though! Don't just suddenly feel depressed and unsure about your work because of that. You can't win them all.
Despite having suffered a bit because of that, it was still pretty damn good. Nice job.
On the story itself, it's progressing rather nicely. The protagonist is given some more depth. His choice to free Discord was quite rational. Discord, on the other hand...
...Well, I hope he lied, since I doubt his ultimate goal (to cause chaos) has anything to do with Royalty. Partially, perhaps.
My last criticism would be... Try and find a pre-reader. Before you make an ass out of you and me by assuming anything, I want to make something clear.
The story, all in all, is great. Wonderful, even. BUT it does require more in the 'polish' department. Authors sometimes overlook grammar errors (sometimes basic grammar errors), and I'm afraid you're no exception.
“Boy, you’ve seem to gain some magic…”
If we switch some words over, the mistake will show up. Here,
“Boy, you seem to have gain some magic…”
"Boy, you seem to have gained some magic..." (Switch them back if you wish, I prefer this line better than the other one. Much less... complicated?)
"Was Princess Luna right when she said that you need mare, not a filly."
*Cough*
"Was Princess Luna right when she said that you need mare, not a filly."
"Was Princess Luna right when she said that you need a mare, not a filly?"
"Then she tugs on your pants, luckily Rarity made them loose enough to wear it doesn’t hurt for someone to pull them off without undoing them…"
"Then she tugs on your pants, luckily Rarity made them loose enough to wear it doesn’t hurt for someone to pull them off without undoing them…"
"Then she tugs on your pants, luckily, Rarity made them loose enough so it doesn’t hurt for someone to pull them off without undoing them…"
OR
"Then she tugs on your pants, luckily, Rarity made them loose enough to where it doesn’t hurt for someone to pull them off without undoing them…"
"“Get away.” She asked, you merely nodded."
*Cough*
"“Get away.” She asked, you merely nodded."
"“Get away?” She asked, you merely nodded."
...See? No 'Zhe goggles! Zhey do nothing!' level of horrific. Just a bit unpleasant, that's all. And these can all be solved with a good pre-reader.
Anyway, wow, was that a long comment. Great chapter, Jets. Looking forward to the next one!
919363 I know, I have a problem with pacing. I do these and by then I'm like just trying to finish. So maybe do a few hour sessions instead of a one 3 hour writing session. And plan out the chapters a little more. This is just the latest in that, I'll try to fix that now that everyone else notices this too. Though it may take some work to make myself do it, as you said, the chapter suffers.
I'm taking your advice with the edits, and I hope you don't mind me using them. Some use of the features this site offers could provide help... splitting my writing and your thoughts. Such as the fire nation paragraph...
Thanks for that though, I'll try and work on 'polishing' the chapters before I publish them.
You're welcome.
Cheers!
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw5812-23440.gif
I have the sudden feeling he is going to walk into a room and encounter an ambush orgy. The Mane 6 plus some others (He isn't going to be able to move for weeks).
Hey Jet i think you might be commenting about me at the start of this chapter. I did post a comment in your blog about myself being run over by a drunk driver, the main reason i deleted the post was because i felt a bit embarassed trying to gather sympathy from strangers. I'm off the pain killers now, so i'm back to my normal, random-ass self.
But all the same, I can't wait for the next chapter. I just hope you don't seem to rush it as much as this one. Art takes time. Anyway, break a leg Jet. Break a leg
930510 I had a feeling it was you, though I wasn't 100% sure.
I was in the hospital earlier this year and had to have surgery, I ended up having to get my gallbladder removed at 19. Most people are in their 60's when they have it removed.
The only person to ever visit me wasn't any of my usual friends or buddies... it was my ex girlfriend and her boyfriend (though he usually didnt come). Its been years since we were together, but it still was uncomfortably awkward.
We are a community, almost like a family here, like our fanbase. I'm closer to bronies than any other friend... I dunno, just my thoughts.
931102 yeah having surgery suck big hairy nuts, I've got 3 metal plates in my legs now (if i had much more steel in me iron man could hang up his suit) But like i already said, don't rush this story too much, art takes time. At least now i have plenty of time to practice my guitar playing. all fucking 8 months of it........
from your 2nd largest fan
I hate to sound like an asshole, but do you expect to post a new chapter any time soon? I only ask, because i'm starting to get very restless.
Anyway, take care and be proud of what you have done here.
No offense but you have actually made me hate Fluttershy. Therefore: When does she die?
931179 You may be 2nd largest but im bigger in more than 1 way e.deviantart.net/emoticons/t/trollface.png
969503 well. if mean ego, YOU ARE IN THE FINALS!! But unfortunatly you don't qualify for the largest man sack off all time, that honour is still held by Chuck Norris, but unfortunatly he currently fighting Christopher Walken.
If you want to rip on me for any spelling errors, kiss my arse. I'm on medication. But i do still love everyone out there, even if sometimes i don't seem like i am.
970809 Dude its a joke you know one of them things that makes people laugh and such and i suck at spelling e.deviantart.net/emoticons/t/trollface.png
Okay Fluttershy made it sound like a game: "Congratulations! You've finally have sex with all of my friends. Now it's time for that orgy!" I hope the guy takes PInkie's offer for that time.
At that moment, he didn't need Pinkie Pie. He needed to cry it out, to talk out his feelings and frustrations with someone who would listen and not judge, not have his feelings forced aside by more unsolicited sex.
However, good job! You're grammar is improving, and your story threads are becoming more cohesive and deliberate. Will continue to read.
2453342 well i agree with you he needs to share his feelings, this is EQUESTRIA we are talking about almost everypony there does not judge others, i mean realy... do you even watch the show?