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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Please keep in mind, I'm criticizing here because I care.
But mate, you....*really* need to work some more on your typing and storytelling skills. You've got the bones of a good clopfic here, and it seems like you've at least been working on the spelling errors from previous chapters, but....
The way you structure a lot of your sentences comes across as flat, and as a result things just kind of tend to run on and on. It comes across like 'So and so did this. And then they did this. And then they did this. And then they did this.' if you know what I'm trying to say. You also miss some key grammar elements, like commas, in places, which can make deciphering what you're trying to say more difficult than it should be (fixing this would also help with the previous point I made.) Being more descriptive both in terms of what's going on and what things look like would be good to work on too.
To end on a positive though (cuz I believe in doing that when offering constructive criticism), I'm glad to see you have your paragraphs structured properly (eg., new paragraph when someone speaks or a new moment of action occurs). I see way too many writers here who just have giant blocks of a paragraph that go on forever >_<
If you want an example from a writer who does what I'm talking about well in terms of the advice I brought up, read some of Clopficsinthecomments' stories, particularly his Apogee ones.
Please do my suggestions, like the Sphinx, and TImberwolf. Maybe a changeling or two, or a Phoenix or Diamond Dog?
Do captain celaeno