Al, Kal & TK's Adventures in Equestria

by Alternivity

Chapter 8: Party Games

Chapter 8: Party Games

POV: Jake

Saturday - 14:00

“I’ll go hunting for it when we head out to grab our shit from the camp. But for now let’s make a terribad first impression. To the party!”

And with that I swaggered off followed closely by Thalos, and somewhat by Locke. From there I made my way over to the drinks table, hoping to determine which bowl had the Fun Punch™. I spotted one mare staggering slightly and taking a cup form one of the bowls. My investigation complete, I strode over to that bowl before grabbing the ladle and pouring myself a cup. I took a sip to find, much to my horror and chagrin, that some assclown had put salt in the punch! I spat it out as quickly as I could before tipping out the cup on the ground.

“Hey, what’s the big idea wasting all that punch?!” shouted the inebriated mare.

“There’s salt in it! Why is there salt in it?”

“Because it’s better that way!”

“What? How is putting salt in a drink good?”

It was at this point that Thalos realised that something was wrong with his drink. I didn’t know people could actually do spit-takes in real life. You learn something every day.

Thalos trudged over looking grumpy, “Dude, why the hell is there salt in the punch?”

“I was just asking this mare the same thing.”

“I already told you, it makes it better!”

“How exactly?”

“Are you blind? It takes the edge off.”

“You mean to tell me that salt has an intoxicating effect on you?”

“Wait, salt makes ponies drunk?”

“Seemingly.”

At this point Luke walked over, completing a rough circle around the mare, who started to look nervous, “So, did you find the good stuff?”

“In a sense. For this lot the good stuff is salt,” I huffed.

“Well then, I guess we're not having any stiff drinks today. Probably for the best, though. I would not want to be out in the forest with a hangover.”

“Fair enough,” Thalos shrugged.

“Very well then, we’re agreed, no booze for now,” I said. “Though I’m setting up a still when we get back.”

“Well hello there, darlings! I do hope you’re enjoying the party!” called Rarity through the crowd.

“It has been pleasant for the most part.”

“Wonderful! Do carry on with all your, ummm, ‘Humaning’ for now , alright?” I watched her saunter back into the throngs of revelers.

“...Will do.”

I then made my way out into the veritable sea of ponies, with the hope of them seeing me being completely at ease dissuading any fear of us.

This peace was not to last.

It was at this point that I realized Thalos had fucked up. Not intentionally but still… I can’t believe he managed to trip over nothing and grab some random mare’s backside while screeching frantically, which of course led to mass panic, and the inevitable multitude of accusations which were sure to follow. I should probably have intervened, but I was too busy trying not to suffocate on my newfound, unsalted punch. Moments later I found myself sprawled on the floor...maybe Twilight had a point. Ah well.

“Ow ow ow ow, it hurts, everything hurts! Why does it hurt so much?!” I heard Thalos mewl pitifully, “There may not be any girls here but I still had hope for children!”

“And now you’ve chlorinated your own gene pool,” I grunted. “This is why you didn’t get a cupcake, you’d just find some way to accidentally blow it up in our faces!”

“Are you alright?” called a panicked Twilight, “Thalos? Alternivity?”

“I’ll be good in a sec,” I said, “Thalos, on the other hand, may need a few minutes to regain his senses.”

“Good everyone is okay, wait where is Locke? LOCKE! LOOOOOOOOOOOOCKE!”

“Yes?” answered a confused Luke as he walked up behind Twilight, “Is there something you need?”

“Oh thank Celestia! You’re alright!”

“Why would I thank Sunbutt? She had nothing to do with my pristine state.”

“Hey!” called Rainbow Dash, “What’s going on? I just saw a whole bunch of ponies running for their lives! Is there some sort of predator on the loose? Where is it?!”

I decided to give my two cents, “Thalos is the only predator here, but he’s just a sex fiend, so I wouldn’t worry too much.”

“Hey, wait, I’m still hungry!” and with that Thalos sprung to his feet as though he was never injured at all, before trundling over to one of the snack tables and chowing down with gusto.

“So,” I announced, with a clap of my hands, “now that that’s that, I propose we retire for the evening, so as to prepare for tomorrow’s expedition into the forest.”

“Yes!” was Twilight’s all too eager yelp.

“I concur with our host,” was Luke’s, placid response.

“Fair enough, I guess, but who gonna clean this mess up? Hashtag ‘Just saying’.”

Locke proceeded to glare at Thalos with the most sincere malice I’ve seen in quite some time.

“Thalos,” I warned, “remember what happens if you use hashtags when saying real words?”

“Uh-huh?”

“You’ve got... Oh I’d say,” I looked at my watch, “about ten seconds.”

“OH SHIT!” Thalos cried. And then he was gone, only a faint dust trail marking his path.

Smirking cruelly, I began my chase in earnest, with Luke hot on my heels.

---

Saturday - 15:37

Luke and I must have chased Thalos for an hour and a half before he fell to his knees in exhaustion. We were upon him moments later, and seeing how rustled his jimmies were set me snickering. Luke followed shortly after. Soon the three of us were laughing hysterically, not really noticing our surroundings.

That changed fairly quickly once the growling and creaking started. In an instant we were sober, listening intently for any signs of an approaching threat. No surprise a small pack of, you guessed it, timberwolves sprang upon us. We grabbed at whatever was within reach to try to fend them off. My comrades and I managed to hold them away long enough to scramble into the undergrowth and start running once again.

Which is how we ended up going into the forest. At breakneck pace with no idea which way we were actually headed. Par for the course by now, I suppose.

So really given how our luck was going by now the only thing we could possibly have encountered next was obviously going to be heavy, dangerous and totally our fault.

“Hey,” said Luke, “I think I know how to find our campsite. It’s going to be dangerous and stupid and at least 30% of us are going to hate it but it’ll be awesome. Trust me.”

“Okay, go ahead and explain this plan of yours,” I prompted.

Thalos sighed, “How much is this gonna hurt?”

“That depends entirely on how conscious you are.”

“Waitwaitwait,” I interrupted, “I like seeing Thalos in pain as much as the next guy, but how are we going to set up a sterile work area in this forest? We can’t risk him getting an infection.”

“That’s the thing,” Luke began, “we’re not going to open him up to any large degree. All we need is access to the output of his antenna.”

“How did you know about that?”

“Because I’m the poor shit from IT who drew the short straw when you commissioned a custom onboard audio system. Did you know that when you call now an alarm sounds?”

“That makes a lot of sense, now that I think about it. I always wondered why no one ever answered the phone when I rang tech support.”

“Right, back on topic,” I interjected, “how exactly do you plan on locating our camp using TK’s antenna?”

Luke smirked, “Remember what brought us here?”

“A series of unfortunate events?” prompted Thalos.

I hummed in thought, “That weapon of mass disruption Thalos built?”

“Yep, the Nuclear Potato Gun! Which, if memory serves, came through with us.”

“That might actually work pretty well,” I said, before pulling out my knife. “This should work for the initial incision. I think I have the components for the connection, so that won’t be an issue either.”

“Hold on a second!” shrieked Thalos, “Don’t I get a say in this?”

Luke and I both looked at him, “Nope.”

Thalos reacted as poorly as one might expect, “Fuck you guys! That’s bullshit! I’m not letting either of you assholes anywhere near me with that knife!”

As his protests grew in volume I began to worry that we might garner the interest of something large and hungry, “Okay, okay,” I made calming gestures with my hands, “we’re not going to cut you, so please calm down, we’re very exposed at the moment, and if you keep shouting it might attract some rather unpleasant company. Luke, I think we might have a better option. Think you could take a look at my sensor array?”

“Sure,” Luke adjusted his glasses, “just tell me where it is.” I proffered my right hand. The lenses in Luke's glasses glowed faintly as he grabbed my hand and began to twist and turn it looking at it from all angles, before he started moving up my arm, eyes widening more and more as he approached my elbow, where he unceremoniously dropped my arm. “Okay, what the actual fuck? Literally everything below the elbow is measuring equipment encased in titanium. How the hell did you manage that?”

Thalos raised his hand sheepishly, “That would be my fault. There was sort if an accident involving a hydraulic press and an ambiguously labeled button.”

“He fucking crushed my right hand and wrist in a two ton press. It took eighteen hours of surgery and six months of intensive physiotherapy to regain use of my hand. After that I had it outfitted with a couple low grade radio transceivers and kept upgrading from there. Was going to have a couple servos put in next year.”

“Holy shit. That is insane. Anyway it seems you have a pretty good Geiger counter in there, so we should be able to get a decent bead on our weapon of mass distraction.”

I flicked my wrist to bring up the HUD and began to seek out the Geiger counter. I found it and activated it. A series of intermittent clicks sounded in my ear, growing in frequency as I swung my arm around. I slowed down the sweeping motion as I honed in on the radioactive emissions of Thalos’ nuclear potato cannon. I still hate the fact that we were saved by that goddamned thing. As I found the direction of the strongest signal I set the heading on my compass.

“I've got a lead on the atomic tuber launcher, north-northwest. No idea how far, but that shouldn't be too much of an obstacle. Shall we head out? This spot is rather less secure than I would like, and if necessary we can take shelter in the clearing and head back to town in the morning. I vote we go.”

Luke nodded, “Seconded.”

Thalos flashed a thumbs up, “Let's blow this popsicle stand.”

And so we set off once more, this time at a somewhat reasonable pace and with a vague idea of where we going for once.

Comments

[wlam]

Jake Spectre, Luke Mephisto, and Thalos Kalvin

realistic

Yeah, right.

[Alternivity]

7443049 I'll take off the realistic. It was originally going to be a what if for my friends and I but then we kinda went shadowrun on it. I should have fixed that, sorry.

Edit: Done.