Al, Kal & TK's Adventures in Equestria

by Alternivity

Chapter 6: Meeting The Regents

Chapter 6: Meeting The Regents

POV: Luke

Saturday - 08:00

“What is love… Baby don’t hurt me… Don’t hurt me… No-”

Crash.

It would appear that Jake threw my phone at me. Welp, that’s what happens when you use a meme as a wake-up alarm. Lesson learned, will totally do again tomorrow.

“Luke, I swear to God if you don’t change that accursed alarm tune, I’m going to use your battery as a lighter.”

I quickly reassembled the phone, silencing it before the backup alarms could kick in. Hey, when you’re meeting the Princesses, you don’t want to be late.

“Everyone, get up, we need to get ready,” I called, “We have Princesses to meet!”

I usually wouldn’t get this excited about a meeting, but come on, Princesses! We haven’t had princesses for like a century!

“Thalos, it’s morning.” I heard Jake shout.

“No, it’s not.”

“Fine I guess you don’t want your nice, steamy cup of WAKE THE FUCK UP!”

“Both of you, stop bickering. Thalos, put on some pants. Jake. Be less… you.”

“...No…”

“Fine then, be you, but quieter.”

Twilight and Fluttershy chose this moment to barge into the room. Thalos, who was halfway through tugging on his jeans, screeched in shock and fell over.

“Getoutgetoutgeout! And learn to fucking knock!” interspersed by more screeching.

Unfortunately, ponies don’t speak English, so they probably assumed this was more screeching.

“Fluttershy, could you give us a moment? We’ll be right out.”

“Oh yes, of course, I’m sorry, we didn’t mean to disturb you… sorry… eep.”

With that out of the way, Thalos put on his Big Boy pants and we got down to business. We staggered down the stairs and into the main library, where the ponies were waiting for us, minus Twilight.

“She’s gone out to meet the Princesses. They should be he-”

The bouffant-maned mare, seemingly noticing us for the first time, interrupted with panicked horse noises, before trying to push us into another room, likely to attempt to teach us proper etiquette, with more panicked horse noises.

“Yeah no,” was Jake’s response to this. “You want me civil? Get me a mug of spiced tea, and a fucking rusk. I’m not going to bow and kiss royal ass until I’ve had my morning tea.”

Fluttershy finally caught up on her translations, “...and, umm, something about “Right foot three inches from the left.” Sorry, she wasn’t very clear even in Equestrian.”

Jake was gone out the door, leaving Thalos and me at the mercy of the painfully polite pony.

“Welp,” said Thalos, “I am going to go see what Jake’s up to. Good luck Luke!” and sauntered out.

Aw, this is Parallel Computing 101 all over again.

“Fluttershy, tell her to start again. Slowly. I guess I better make a good impression because the other two clearly will not.”

Cue horse noises.

“Alright: Rarity says that while you can speak to the Princesses casually, you should at least try to speak formally. No contractions and the like. Oh, and you shouldn’t sit before she sits. And stand when she comes in. No wait actually you should bow-”

The door to the main room flew open and in walked the Sun.

Or, at least, that’s what it looked like. This pony was glowing with some kind of crazy energy. My addled brain tried to stand, sit and bow all at once and I ended up in a downward dog. When I looked around, Jake had spilled tea all over his breakfast and Thalos seemed completely unaware, of his surroundings, his head bobbing to an unheard beat. DJ’s have no respect for the element of surprise!

Shrugging, Jake picked up his rusk and promptly bit into it, moaning as a foodgasm hit his pallet. Yep, I was definitely the most well put together of our group. Well done for interspecies politics, 10/10.

As the glare faded, I took in the details of the new pony. She had wings and a horn, like Twilight, but the similarities ended there. She was huge, easily a head taller than me had I been standing up. From down here, she loomed far over me. She tucked her wings to her sides, dimming her glow and revealing a smaller, but still tall pony on her right, roughly my height. She was a midnight blue, also bearing both a horn and wings.

“I guess you’re the Princesses then?” asked Jake, standing and bowing elegantly. I tried to figure out if this was breaking any rules, but I was still shaking off the aftermath of her entrance.

I unfolded myself from my morning Yoga to glare at Jake. “I thought you didn’t do bowing?”

“Well, someone had to be the not useless one, after you failed.”

“Gah- But- Agh, fine.”

Fluttershy spoke up, translating for some or other majordomo who had accompanied the two inside, “Announcing Princesses Celestia and Luna on this day the- oh, I don’t need to translate this part. Nevermind. Sorry.”

Let’s play “Who’s That Princess!” If you guessed that the giant glowing one was Luna, you’d be plain wrong and an embarrassment to everyone!

Thalos had the common decency to look surprised when he finally turned around and noticed that royalty had arrived.

“Woah, when the hell did Sunbutt get here?”

“Hey, Thalos?” called Jake, “You see this?” he held up an apple, “This is a pear!”

Celestia looked confused, then nickered to Luna. Luna closed her eyes, and started her horn glowing. A pale blue pulse flowed over the room, and suddenly everything got a whole lot more loud.

“-spell was that, Princess Luna?”

“Twas a simple translation cantrip, it shall allow us to speak with these strangers.”

“Wait a second,” said Jake. “I know that voice. You’re Princess Shouty!”

“HOW DARE THEE, I AM LUNA! PRINCESS OF THE MOON AND STARS! I GOVERN ALL THAT LIES WITHIN THE REALM OF THE NIGHT! I WATCH OVER THE DREAMS OF ALL! AND YET YOU MOCK ME?”

“To be fair, you brought this on yourself. I mean the shouting? Really? You’re hitting like, a hundred decibels. You need to stop.”

Celestia spoke up, “Sister, I have been asking you to work on controlling your voice. It isn’t productive to replace our senate every three years due to hearing loss.”

“BUT TIA! HE DISRESPECTED ME!”

“Inside castle voice, Luna, or no moonpies for dessert.”

“Tia, they can hear us, you’re embarrassing me!”

“Then next time, don’t call me Tia in front of our subjects” she said with a superior toss of her mane.

I decided to intervene, “Well, now that we’ve prevented a civil war, how may we assist you?”

Twilight answered, “The Princesses are here to make sure that you’re not a threat to anypony, that’s all.”

Jake burst out laughing, “The only threat we pose is to ourselves and our dignities, and potentially everyone else if you piss me off.”

I groaned, “Jake, that is not even slightly diplomatic!”

“It is, however quite true.”

Luna clearly took offense, which might just be spite for Jake, “See sister, he is clearly a risk to our security!”

“Not hardly, I pose no threat to your security, I’m completely incapable of compromising it.”

Thalos piped up again, “We think we make magic explode!”

“Oh for the love of- ARGH! This is why we can’t have nice things!” cried an exasperated Jake.

Seeing as this was getting us nowhere, I took lead again, “Clearly we can’t be that much of a danger, seeing as we were incapacitated by five boisterous mares with delusions of grandeur.”

A unified “Hey!” sounded behind me. Oh yeah, I forgot they were still here.

Twilight clearly had an idea, seeing how she perked up, “What if we keep them in here for a while, to see if they’re actually dangerous. Every time we’ve had trouble it’s because we didn’t actually talk! I sent you a letter about this, Celestia, number 327, line 14, do you remember?”

Celestia put on a diplomatic smile, “Of course I do, Twilight, and I think that your idea holds merit, as such I believe it would be best if these… Oh my it seems that in all this confusion I’d forgotten to ask what you call yourselves.”

Jake was the first to respond, “Alternivity Deaf-I mean Deft at your service.”

Luna snorted derisively.

‘Oh, we’re doing it this way then. Shit, I need to figure something out. Let’s see, umm, There’s a door, a river. Umm, looks like a farm...’

“Locke Brookfield here.” Yes, yes that will do. Flawless victory.

Thalos failed to catch on, “I’m Thalos Kalvin. My friends call me TK.”

“I was referring to your species, but it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

Right. That would make a lot of sense. Haven’t seen any humans around here.

“We’re humans. Homo sapiens sapiens, ever heard of them? We’re a pretty big deal, got a whole planet and everything.”

“I am afraid I haven’t heard of ‘humans’ before today.”

“So, so far from Kansas.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s still Los Alamos.”

I spoke up, “Los Alamos is basically desert. This place is pretty much forestry”

“Let me have this joke just once. Please?”

“This joke already flew over his head a few days ago.”

“Just like Dorothy’s house! Bazinga, bitch!”

“You are the absolute worst.”

“I still don’t get,” Thalos announced, “also Sunbutt and Loudbutt left while you were fighting.”

“Well, shit. They were fun to mess with.”

“WHAT?” Twilight screamed, “You mean to tell me you were messing with the Princesses? The most powerful ponies in Equestria?”

“Yes?”

“You are the worst.”

I saw an opening, “That’s what I said!”

Twilight sighed, “This is going to be a long week.”

Author's Note:

Two in a day? I'm on fire! Though hopefully only slightly, better to keep the coals warm, than to burn through them all in one go.

Comments

[Curious Thoughts]

I would up vote this story if I could. I'm really looking forward to the next chapter and can hardly wait.

[qwioweqofhaskdjf]

7256606 Thanks for the vote of confidence! We're trying to put these out a bit more often now, so hopefully you'll be able read a new chapter soon.

-Kalium_Puceon, aka Luke Mephisto