Two scientists and a musician accidentally transport themselves to Equestria.
Jake Spectre, Luke Mephisto, and Thalos Kalvin are dumped in Equestria after a lab accident. The three now have to survive everything they knew being completely wrong, the ponies being xenophobic, and whatever they happen to annoy.
Rated Teen for language, violence, and may be made Mature later for explicit content.
The actions of the characters in this story are dictated by the personality of my friends and I. So yes, this is in part a self-insert, I repeat, there is self-insertion in this story.
'Shitshitshitshitshit, SHIT! I am so getting fired!' I thought to myself as I hurried through the halls of Helion Laboratories, hoping to get to my assigned lab before my boss, Doctor Fulton, arrived. I had to physically stop myself from running, keeping my pace at an almost jog. I managed to get to the lab door just in time to toss my satchel in a corner and pull on my lab coat before the doctor walked in. "Ah, Mr Spectre, you're already here."
"Y-yes, sir." I said, trying to hide my heavy breathing.
"Are you alright there, Jake?" my boss asked, concern and curiosity clear on his face, "You're sweating quite heavily, are you running a fever?"
"No sir, not as far as I know."
"If you're sure."
"I'm sure, sir, it's nothing to worry about."
"Good, good. In that case, why don't you go get those power sims running?"
"Right, I'll get the computers booted up and set the simulations running," I said, before turning to the bank of computers mounted to the far wall of the lab, "Okay, booting systems now..." a soft whirring filled the lab as the hard drives and fans spooled up, followed by a whimsical chime as the operating software booted. I called up the simulation programs and opened the parameters for the prototype wormhole transportation system Dr Fulton and I had been working on for the last two-and-a-half years. Inputting today's range of variables I set the programs to run the power usage simulations. "And done. Okay, Dr Fulton, I've set the power sims first, then fluctuations, and lastly a few destabilisation scenarios, sound good? "
"That sounds just fine, Jake." he replied, as his phone began ringing, "I'm sorry, I have to take this, I'll be back in a few."
"No problem, I'll keep an eye on the sims," I said, sitting down at one of the workbenches lining the walls as Dr Fulton pushed through the heavy lab doors and out into the corridor.
A few minutes later Fulton walked back, looking worried."Everything okay there, Doc?"
"Unfortunately not, something's come up, I need to go, can you handle things here?" he asked, fixing me with a steady gaze.
"I've got things covered here. If there's a problem I'll call you, okay? Okay, now go, take care of whatever it is you need to take care of."
"Thank you, I'll be back tomorrow. Please don't set anything on fire if you can help it," he said with a wink.
"No promises. Now go on, get! You have more important places to be right now."
"Alright, alright, I'm going!" he turned to leave again before looking back at me, "Thanks again, Jake, for understanding." I nodded to him as he turned again and finally left. I spun on my seat to face the workbench and the random bits of circuitry and machinery strewn atop it. I stretched my arms up with a groan, feeling a confusing but familiar weight around my chest. I reintroduced my face to its old friend Mr Palm as I realised I hadn't taken off my jacket, a denim waistcoat with more pockets than any item of clothing has a right to have, all of which were filled with much the same materials as the bench I sat at, and my habit of pulling random and improbable items out of it having earned it the nickname 'Jacket of Holding' by my co-workers. I shook my head with a chuckle before returning my focus to the contents of the table in front of me.
An hour or so passed with me fidgeting with the scattered detritus of past projects, occasionally pocketing this or that piece of electronic scrap, before anything interesting happened. The bank of computers gave a long, grating beep alerting me to whatever problem had occurred. I hauled myself up and walked over to the terminal and opened the interface screen whereupon I saw the words 'CRITICAL SYSTEM ERROR: MOTHERBOARD[13] OVERVOLT! Please call for technical assistance immediately.'
'Well, shit, guess I'd best call the guys down at IT,' I thought running my hand down my face. I shuffled grimly over to the lab's landline and, after flicking through the 10 page phonebook, punched in the IT department's number. The phone rang a few times before someone on the other end answered, "Greetings from the IT collective, how may I be of service?"
"I need a technician up here, lab fourteen, my system just committed seppuku."
"I'll be the judge of that," the technician on the other end of the line said haughtily. "What's the error, anyway?"
"Two words: Motherboard Overvolt. Sound bad enough to warrant your oh-so-prestigious presence?"
"I'll be there in ten, just gonna grab my gear," and with a small clatter the line went dead.
As the technician said, he arrived ten minutes later, “Okay, show me this computer. I trust you didn’t let the magic smoke leak out?”
I raised an eyebrow as I looked him over. He stood almost a head shorter than me, and wore a pair of superweave black jeans, an unbuttoned gray checkered short dress shirt over a white t-shirt. He seemed to be sizing me up as well, peering at me through A pair of glasses with glowing frames, “You’re tall,” he said, “I like you. I’m Luke, by the way, Luke Mephisto.”
“Jake Spectre,” I extended a hand, which he shook eagerly, “nice to meet you. Computer’s over there.” I jerked my thumb over my shoulder in the vague direction of the bank of computers. He sauntered over to the quietly smoking tower, and threw down his bag unceremoniously, pulling out some tools.
A vague sense of foreboding washed over me. I dragged my hand down my face, beginning a mental countdown ‘Five, four, three, two,-’ A large crash sounded from the other side of the self-sealing lab doors, ‘So close...’ I walked over to the intercom next to the door and pressed the talk button, “And you’re here because?” I asked the source of the ruckus outside.
“I MADE A THING!!” I heard through the soundproof doors. Another happy reunion of face and palm.
I pushed the talk “This had better not be another potato gun, Thalos.”
There was a faint click as Thalos, my oldest -and only- friend pushed the button of logical communication. “Uuh… Nope, not a potato gun! Not a potato gun at all!”
“Yeah, and we’re all surrounded by talking uni-”
There was an unceremonious clang, “Ha! All hail King Luke! Saviour of Systems!”
“What was that?” came Thalos’ voice over the intercom.
“Nothing. What are you doing here if you’re not showing off your latest act of improbability?”
“Showing off my latest act of awesome of course!”
‘Praise be to the mighty ones, who withstood this one as a child,’ I pinched the bridge of my nose, “Riiight. And I should let you in because?”
“I also brought Hunter’s!” At this Luke perked up, or fell over, with a shuffle of scattering electronics.
My head hit the wall with enough force to daze me for a second, before I glared at the intercom, “Let me get this straight. You came here to show off whatever mad thing you’ve built this time and, figuring I wouldn’t just let you in, thought you could bribe me with booze?”
“Yep,” came Thalos’ reply.
“Cool, come on in,” I said as I grabbed my ID card and swiped it in the security terminal. In burst a shaggy old mop with arms and legs toting a potato cannon with a radiation warning symbol plastered on the combustion chamber. “Please tell me that sticker is decorative!” I pleaded burying my face in my hand.
“Nope!”
I fixed Thalos with a steady gaze, and looked him over for any signs of radiation sickness, from the top of his scruffy mane of blonde hair, to his skinny but surprisingly strong arms, and over his branded t-shirt, old designer jeans, black threadbare hoodie and scuffed up black high-tops. No signs of illness anywhere. I sighed before extending a hand out to him, “Cider. Now.”
“One Hunter’s Dry comin’ right up!” he cheered with far too much excitement, before dumping his things on the floor. He started rummaging through the large camping bag with much the same reputation as my jacket and which wore the title; 'Hammerspace'. A short while later Thalos withdrew his hand grasping the can of miracle compound.
Reaching out I snatched the can away, before sitting heavily at a bench. I opened the can and took a long draw of the delicious liquid, before sighing deeply and turning back to my friend with an expectant look on my face, "Well? Are you going to show me this cannon of yours, or what?"I said as I walked over to the corner I tossed my satchel into and grabbed the bag. Opening up my satchel I pulled out my tablet and turned on the camera to record the demonstration of Thalos' latest bout of insanity.
Before Thalos began his little show and tell, there was a loud clatter as Luke ungraciously tossed down his tools and flopped himself down on the bench next to me, an eager look on his face, I shrugged and turned on the recording before waving at Thalos to proceed, seeing as he'd already turned on the Gopro he habitually wore.
The demo started as they usually did with Thalos showing off his latest creation and explaining the technical details, which seemed to revolve around the fact that this weapon of mass disruption was powered by a nuclear battery and a small reservoir of water that propelled a potato at speeds rivaling that of small caliber bullets. As the presentation continued Thalos rose to higher and higher levels of exuberance, culminating in an an excited misstep, leading to his foot becoming tangled in one of the many thick cables that ran across the floor. With a startled yelp and a colorful curse Thalos hit the floor, the cable wrapped around his ankle pulled taut and then ripped from its socket, followed by a shrill alarm and an ominous rumbling from the massive machine that accounted for more two and a half years of research and hard work. Somehow, Thalos, in his infinite ability to confuse reality, had activated the portal.
I sat there, gaping, for a couple seconds, trying to work out how my friend had managed to do by accident what myself and a team of physicists and engineers hadn’t been able to do after years of focused work and calculation. I pushed the momentary confusion out of my mind leaping up and dashing over to the control console, before a black screen reminded me of the room’s third occupant.
I turned to the technician in mild alarm, “You can fix this now, right?”
“I don’t think that’s a likely outcome, my friend.”
The rumbling from the wormhole generator grew more intense, and I felt a gentle tug in its direction. ‘At least this’ll be interesting,’ I thought to myself, as I turned and watched Thalos panic with mild amusement, before I walked over to my satchel and slung it over my shoulder. I stood in front of the aperture of the device and waited. Off to one side Thalos continued his manic flailing, whilst Luke scurried over to the pile of debris he’d created and hurriedly stuffed everything back into his bag before hurrying to stand beside me. The pull of the unstable vortex required to punch a hole in the fabric of reality grew in strength until we were sliding down a sheer linoleum cliff. The wormhole itself was essentially invisible apart from a faint shimmering of the air at the event horizon. As the three of us tumbled toward our uncertain fate I observed the faces of my companions, Thalos’ eyes were wide as he stared in terror at the approaching portal. Luke on the other hand had his eyes closed behind his glasses, and a content smile adorned his lips as he fell.
I turned my attention to myself and felt one of the largest grins I’d ever had on my face as the hole in the universe drew closer. I slowed my speed enough that I could grab the shoulders of my two travelling buddies before I pushed us away from the floor-turned-wall and into the opening. I whooped in anticipation as we hit the portal. A tingly rush shot up my spine as we passed over the event horizon. An instant later everything went black, then white, and then a sort of yellowy shade of purple before going black again. ‘This had better not kill us, or I’m gonna be so annoyed.’
‘Well, that was odd,’ I thought as my mind made itself known. I slowly opened my eyes and observed my surroundings. I appeared to be in some sort of clearing surrounded by a dense marsh or forest, ‘Right then, this is new.’
I sat up and ran a hand through my long, dark hair before I checked myself for injuries. Looking at myself I didn’t see anything obviously wrong, like blood soaked into my plain dress shirt, or my well worn jeans and combat boots hanging at strange angles.
Finishing my self inspection, I stood up to try and get my bearings, maybe spot a path of some kind. I looked around for a minute or two finding nothing but a sense of severe wrongness in the surrounding trees. Lifting my arm, I looked at my wrist and activated my implant, a full field sensory suite capable of nearly all forms of scientific data collection and analysis, and began a standard scanning sweep, meaning I positioned the implant so that it faces out and swept my arm in front of me.
Pulling my arm back in I looked at the implant, activating the HUD in the contact lens I wore, and pulled up the results of the scan. Reading over them, I found nothing out of the ordinary apart from traces of an unknown element. I checked my still unconscious companions for injuries. ‘Bit of bruising, a few scrapes, nothing to worry about yet.’ I stood back up, walked over to one of the trees and began a visual inspection. Almost a minute of inspection later, I’d worked out what the wrongness was, everything in the area looked like it came out of a cartoon. I ran my fingers down the surface of the cartoonish tree and flinched when it felt like real bark. ‘What the actual fuck? How is that possible?’
A faint shuffling from behind me drew my mind back to my two travelling companions. I dashed over to where they lay and heard Thalos groaning, “Mommy, it’s too early for school~.”
Deciding to play along to his sleep drunk fantasy I replied, “I’m sorry, honey. How’s about I make you some delicious, warm, WAKE THE HELL UP!”
A seizure’s worth of mad flailing and yelling later, and my long time friend was sitting glaring up at me, “You’re a dick, you know that?”
“Yup, but you love me anyway!” I replied, a gleeful smile on my lips.
“Whatever,” he dismissed my response, before looking around. “Where are we anyway?”
“No idea. But I don’t think we’re anywhere on Earth.”
“Wait, what do you mean ‘not anywhere on Earth’?”
“I mean, that we’re somewhere that can't be on Earth. Look at the trees.”
Thalos picked himself up and walked over to a tree, where he began his own inspection of the tree, before looking at me, “I don't get it, what am I looking for?”
“Describe the tree to me. All of its details.”
He turned back to the tree, squinting. He looked at me. The tree. Me again. His eyes widened, as if a light had been turned on inside is head, ‘And the penny drops.’
“It has a strange smell?”
‘Or not.’ I thought as my palm celebrated yet another meeting with my face. “I have no words. No it doesn't smell strange, you dumbass, I said look at the tree. It looks like a fucking cartoon! That’s what I was trying to get you to figure out!”
“Ooh~! You’re right! They do look cartoony, but then again maybe we are just in an amusement park or something… You’re the scientist right? Think like one! There has to be some form of logic behind this.”
I looked at Thalos with wide eyes ‘This can’t be earth, but Thalos made a good point’ but then again Thalos does have his moments of clarity. Although the wide, darting eyes were a bit of a giveaway to his panic.
I regarded my friend closely, and was about to call his bluff, when I heard the third member of our unexpected expedition groan his way into consciousness.
“What the hell happened back there?”
“We jumped through an experimental portal and landed up somewhere that doesn’t appear to be Earth,” I replied earnestly.
“Honestly, I’m not sure what I was expecting. How likely is it that we’re going to get back?”
“No clue at this point, though I’m not of a positive standing.”
“Well, damn.”
“Indeed,” I nodded, sagely. “It is my opinion that we get ourselves set up with shelter and a fire before the day’s end, after that we should be able to forage and hunt for food, as well as trying to find a way out of here. Sound like a plan to you?”
“Aye,” Luke said, “I’ll get the fire going.” He stood and walked out into the undergrowth in search of materials to start and maintain a fire.
“Fair enough, I can see if I can find any food.” Thalos turned with a nod and jogged off as well.
‘Guess that means I get to build some shelters.’ I thought as I grabbed my satchel and rummaged through it for my favoured tool - a CRKT Pazoda survival knife - which I slipped into my pocket before making my way to the edge of the clearing. I walked up to a tree and started snapping larger branches off to use as the main structure of the makeshift huts I envisioned. I repeated the process on a few more trees before switching to my knife and targeting larger shrubs and tall grasses for bindings, insulation and roofing materials. I dumped the long leaves and grasses onto the pile of thick branches, which I used as a sled to drag the gathered items back to the middle of the clearing in which we were to make camp. Splitting the pile of resources three ways I began setting up one of the structures.
An hour later I was almost finished building the first shelter and Luke had just returned with firewood and some stones to keep the ashes contained.
“Right, I’ve got my delicious carbon-rich burnables. Let’s hope cartoon sticks can catch on cartoon fire like normal sticks.”
“I’d have thought normal sticks burned with normal fire.”
“In that case, I owe you a demonstration of fire in all it’s beautiful forms."
“Okay then, just as long as you don't burn the rest of the camp.”
“Speaking of burning,” Luke muttered, “does anyone happen to have a light?”
“Thalos usually has a stash of firestarters, ask him when he gets back. Or, you know, improvise.”
“I’ll wait ‘till Thalos returns, then.”
“Oh? In that case you can help me with the shelters!” I said cheerfully.
“Of course,” Luke groused as he stood up, “I’d love to help.”
A half hour later, Luke and I had managed to complete the first and most of the second shelter. I stood up to fetch some more lashing fibre, and heard a strange rustling amongst the bushes on the far side of the camp. I gave a sharp whistle to get Luke’s attention, before I gestured for him to be quiet and stay put, he nodded and turned back to the shelter. I pulled out my knife, stalked slowly toward the bushes and loomed over them, knife at the ready. As I prepared to kill whatever it was in the bush, I heard the shuffling again, though this time there was a sound not unlike crunching. I raised the knife and tore away at the bush ready to stab whatever I found, instead I gazed upon Thalos hunched over eating something, oblivious to my presence. I cleared my throat loudly, at which point Thalos froze before turning to look at me with a face similar to that of a deer caught in the headlights of a large truck. I was of half a mind to stab him anyway, but I quelled my fury to a cold simmer. I raised an eyebrow to prompt a response from the now guilty looking Thalos.
“Hi…?” came the meek words of one who knew they were buggered, but still tried to avoid their fate.
“Such terrible beatings as you have never known shall be laid upon your head for this.” I said, a jovial smile on my lips.
Grabbing the cretin by the hair I dragged Thalos back to the camp, relishing in his misery and begs for clemency. Arriving at the small cluster of structures, I heaved Thalos into an undignified heap.
“Oh good,” was Luke’s response to Thalos’ poor -but deserved- treatment, “you’re back, do you happen to have a light, by any chance?”
Thalos stood shakily and shrugged off Hammerspace -the nickname given to his hiking bag- before digging around the various pockets for one of his many lighters, eyes darting toward me constantly. Eventually he drew out a lighter, which Luke swiped, before squirreling off to set things on fire.
I turned to Thalos, “You’d best not hide any more food from me. We need to be able to trust each other in all this, okay?” My tone starting off stern then becoming softer.
“So,you’re not mad?” he asked, still wary of me.
“Mad? Oh of course not,” his face brightened. “I’m completely bloody livid,” I finish in a cold monotone. The look of hope in his eyes died quickly
“Look, I’m sorry, okay?” he said, “I-.”
“Don’t. Just, don’t,” I cut him off. “One day I’m going to ask you for a favor and you’re going to say yes. Agree to that and we move past this without another word.”
“Fine, as long as I'm not a human shield or bait or anything, I can agree to that.”
“Good,” I said looking up at the sky, “‘cause there’s still daylight, so you can go find some damn food for the rest of us. And no hoarding this time. Got it?”
“Fair enough. I’ll be back in an hour or so.”
“Right then,” I nodded once as Thalos began walking toward the edge of the clearing. “Hey,Thalos?”
“Yeah?”
“Be careful, we don't know what’s out there.”
“Okay, I’ll be careful,”
“Good.” I watched Thalos walk off into the treeline before I made my way over to the cluster of structures that was to be our home for the time being. I looked to the centre of our camp and saw Luke hunched over a fire pit tending to a small flame. I nodded to myself, pleased with the progress we’d made. I knelt down at the second shelter and continued my construction.
An hour and a half later, I’d finished both the second and third thatch tent, Luke fed a now healthy campfire, and Thalos had returned with a pile of berries and other wild fruits in a padded pouch in his bag. Everything seemed to be going smoothly, Thalos was setting up his portable speaker as we settled into our new living spaaaaaace. I watched him draw his hands together before flicking them out so his palms faced up, the gesture that activated the music editing suite system he’d had implanted in his arms- a fairly common practise for professional dj’s. Thalos smiled as his implant linked to the speaker, and, with a gesture, started playing some music. I shut my eyes and began bobbing my head to the beat. As the three of us sat in our camp, listening to the music and relaxing, I began to nod off.
As I drifted through my dreamscape, I felt a presence brush across my consciousness. I snapped around, trying to find the source of the disturbance, but I didn’t see anything.
“What’s this?” a voice rang out across the void of my dreams.
“Hello?” I called out, “Who’s out there?”
I felt the strange entity flee at the sound of my voice. An instant later a sound like shattering glass echoed through the void. I snapped my eyes open and looked around. I’d been moved from my spot near the fire and into one of the shelters during my nap. Crawling out, I noticed that the sun had set at some point. I stood up, walked back over to the fire and sat down. I pulled my cellphone out of a pocket and looked at the screen, a smile blossoming on my face when I didn’t find any damage. Swiping my fingers across the screen, I unlocked the phone and began checking my messages. There were a few from my mother, making arrangements for my vacation time back home, one from my brother, telling me about recent events in his regiment’s camp, and one telling me I was eligible for an all expenses paid trip to Hawaii for me and a friend. I shut off my screen and loosed an explosive sigh before adding a couple logs to the fire to keep it going. Wandering back to my shelter, I felt sleep ready to take me once again. I was out an instant after I lay on the bedding.
Tuesday 6:30am
Morning came with the suddenness of a firecracker. I’d been awake since 5:30, and woke the others at 6:00. We were in the process of eating breakfast, meaning a handful of the berries Thalos found yesterday, when it dawned on us. Literally. One instant the sky is turning gentle shades of morning orange, the next the sun is fifteen degrees above the horizon. I must have stared at the horizon for a good five minutes, the gears in my head tearing themselves apart trying to figure out how such a thing could be possible.
I barely heard the shuffle of Luke standing up, “I think he broke,” he said waving his hand in front of my face.
“Well I never had a class on orbital mechanics, but I’m fairly sure that’s not how it works,” replied Thalos. “Give me a sec, I’ll have him on his feet in no time.” Thalos walked over and swatted the back of my head, for which he received an elbow to the face, “OW, FUCK! You hit me in the face!”
“You hit me in the head,” I responded evenly. Thalos muttered undoubtedly nasty things about myself and my mother while clutching his injured nose. A quick, subtle scan revealed an unbroken nose.
“You’re fine, it’s not broken.”
“Still fuckin’ hurts, asshole.”
“You started it.” With that the argument ended, and I decided to focus on our next objective; finding a way out of the forest. “Guys,” I called, “We need to see if we can’t find a way out of the forest,” my companions nodded at this, “to that end I propose that two of us scout out the forest on foot, while the other, remains here to safeguard the camp and our supplies. I’ll go out scouting, with my sensors and tablet I’ll be able to make a pretty good map of the area. Thalos, I’d like you to come with me, we could use your sound system as a defensive weapon. Lu-”
“Wait,” Thalos interrupted, “how could my system be a defensive weapon?”
“It’s quite simple, really,” I replied, “you use your speakers to blast a high frequency tone that should deter any unpleasant company we may happen upon, you’d keep it off unless we had need for it.”
“Fair enough.”
“As I was saying, Luke I want you to stay here and guard the camp. You have free reign to burn anything that shouldn’t be in our stuff. Just don’t burn our stuff, okay?”
“I can do that,” Luke said, a grin spreading itself across his face.
“Good,” I nodded, “we’ll leave in thirty minutes, I need to prepare a few things.” I lay my lab coat out on the grass and began scratching through my jacket of holding for some components to make a small radio transmitter. Thirty minutes later I’d built a compact hand operated radio transmitter and explained to Luke how to turn it on. “Remember, Luke, just hit the button on top if you need help.”
“Got it.”
“Cool,” I said, turning to Thalos, “let’s get out of here, shall we?”
“We shall.”
With that we walked off into the forest, my implant capturing ultrasonic images of everything we passed and sending the data to my tablet, which was nestled safely in my satchel. I used the electromagnetic sensors in the implant to keep us headed in the right direction. We walked for an hour or so before we’d decided to turn back having found nothing. Around halfway back to camp a shrill scream pierced the calm forest air, but not like the animal calls we’d heard already, this one carried the fear that comes with sapience. In an instant Thalos and I had armed ourselves with heavy branches and taken off running in the direction of the scream, my electronic compass keeping us pointing toward our target. It took us less than a minute to reach our destination, a clearing less than a quarter the size of the one our camp was in. I looked around the clearing and spotted something moving on the other side, upon closer observation I noticed that it was a pack of wolves circling something. I could hear whimpering and something like a horse whinnying crossed with someone crying for help.
“Thalos, you remember how I said you were our threat deterrent?” I whispered, looking over at him. He nodded. “Do that now!” I hissed. Thalos flicked his wrists and I watched as his fingers danced across the holographic console. Within moments a piercing whine cut through the air and grew louder and higher until I couldn’t hear it anymore. A few seconds later the wolves’ ears folded back, their heads snapped in our direction and they growled, baring their teeth at us, before moving into an aggressive stance. I shifted so that I was between Thalos and the wolves, gripping my thick branch with both hands, and readied myself for the first attack. A moment later the first wolf leapt at me and I swung my branch to meet it. With a satisfying thump and a pained yelp the wolf shattered into wooden debris, though I had no time to dwell on that. The next wolf was on the attack. I swung again to hear the same sound of a mass of sticks and twigs hitting the ground, and faced the last two wolves as they stalked in opposite directions.
“Thalos,” I whispered, “you take left, I’ll take right.”
“Right,” he replied. I nearly told him off for not listening, before I realized he meant ‘yes’.
Ambiguity aside, I had a wolf to bludgeon. The wolf seemed to have a similar plan for me. As it lunged, I dropped to one knee, planting my branch firmly in the soil. The wolf fell apart with a clatter, showering me with splinters and sticks. Rising to my feet I turned to see Thalos swing like a baseball player, slamming his branch neatly through the wolf, resulting in another wooden shower.
As I dusted myself off, I heard a faint whimpering. “Thalos, what the fuck? They’re dead.”
“Dude, that’s not me.”
“Well then what the hell is it?”
“Maybe it’s that thing over there?” He pointed to a small tuft of pink hair tangled in some nearby bushes.
“Thalos, you can go check it out.”
Thalos heaved a heavy sigh, trudging off towards the bedraggled pink hair.
“Jake, you might want to see this.”
“What is it now?”
“A pony.”
“wat.”
I pushed Thalos out of the way and drew back the bush, revealing a yellow, vaguely equine form.
“Thalos, explain yourself.”
“I didn’t do anything! Why do you always blame me when shit like this happens?”
“Because most of the time it is actually your fault.” I deadpanned.
“Fair enough.” said Thalos, resignedly. “So, umm, what do we do with it?”
“I have no idea, but you’re carrying it. Ever had horse steak?”
“We’re not killing it!”
“Okay, fine, whatever.”
He hefted the thing onto his shoulder.
“Which way do we go now?” Thalos asked. “You’re the one with the compass.”
“That way.” I said, pointing back towards the camp.
“Right behind you.”
We headed back towards camp, encountering no more surprises.
As we approached the camp, a wave of heat struck us.
“Luke, you’re a dead man.”
Shielding my face from the heat, I approached the burning wall. It seemed to be a trench filled with burning wood. I backed up a few steps, and leapt over it. “Such a dead man.”
“Hey, the triumphant heroes return! I was starting to think something ate you. Where’s Thalos?”
“He’s waiting on the other side of your fucking death wall.”
“Oh yeah, that. I can turn that off. Kind of. Grab that bucket, will ya?”
“Where did you get a bucket?”
“I had some spare wood from the fire pit. You were gone for a while.”
We doused the fire near Thalos, allowing him to walk in with his newfound ward.
“Before you say anything, we’re not eating it.”
“Alright, next question: What is it?”
“We’re working on that” Thalos admitted. “Some kind of horse, but a yellow and pink one. Whatever it is, it’s not normal.”
Thalos laid the pony down near the smouldering firepit.
“Thalos, ready to admit that we are not on Earth?” I asked “Because, my dear Toto, this sure ain’t Kansas anymore!”
The reference made a faint whoosh as it flew over his head.
“We weren’t in Kansas. We were in Los Alamos, right? That’s New Mexico.”
“Never you mind your pretty little head.”
Dinner was flame-grilled berries, garnished with chopped berries on a bed of berries. Yes, we’re shitty foragers. Shut up.
The smell of roasting berries roused our latest addition. It drowsily rolled over, whining cutely.
“Thalos, your pet is awake,” I said.
“I’m not a pet”
“Well what the hell are- wait, what the fuck… How am I talking to you.”
“It’s my special skill. I’m good with animals.”
“Now who’s calling who a pet.”
“Oh my. I didn’t mean to offend you. You are in the forest after all. I just thought-”
“Well, do you know what happens when you make assumptions?”
“You.. get things wrong?”
“No. Well, yes, but close enough.”
At this point Thalos and Luke were thoroughly confused. Clearly they hadn’t quite given up on making sense of this world. Not that I had, I was just saving my confusion for when I could vent it safely later. Like at the top of Mount Everest, or the Moon.
“Why were you out here in the Forest?” asked Thalos.
“I was looking for some lost children. Have you seen any?”
“Nope. Luke? Any strange technicolour mini-horses?”
“I was surrounded by fire, so no.”
“Oh yeah, that. How long did that take, anyway?”
“About four hours. There’s only so much reading one can do in a forest that seems bent on attacking you.”
“Lost children. Focus… please?” the pony… said, I guess?
“Right. What would adventuring children do in a forest like this?” I asked. “They were looking for their Cutie Marks.”
“Their what?”
She turned to point her ass at Thalos. ‘Rude.’ She had a butterfly marking on her hindquarters.
“What am I supposed to be getting from this?” asked Thalos.
“The Cutie Mark represents your special skill, what you are best suited to do. Mine is working with animals, hence the telepathy.”
“That seems… oddly deterministic.” muttered Luke.
“Agreed. So these kids were looking for their ass tattoos in a forest. What kind of Willy Wonka parenting is this.“
“It’s worked this far. Are you going to help me or not?”
“If we help you, will you help us get out of this wilderness?”
“Even if you didn’t I would, but I would appreciate your help.”
“Alright then, miss- what’s your name?”
“Fluttershy”
‘What the fuck?’
“...Fluttershy. A deal. Now, let’s find some kids. Come along, Thalos. We need your music bug-spray. It’s too late to get back to anywhere now, miss Fluttershy, so when we find the kids we can bring them back here.”
“They’re ponies, not goats.”
“What? That’s not what I- Oh, never mind.”
With that confusion only partly clarified, we followed the pony into the Great Forest of Stupid Insanity, which is its official name until I learn the actual one.
“Do you know which direction they went?” I asked.
“I think they went this way” she pointed roughly South.
We trudged along, making some idle conversation as we walked (or cantered, in Fluttershy’s case.) I took a closer look at our new companion. She stood about waist-height, with buttery-yellow fur and a flowing pink mane . She had an equally flowing and equally pink tail. Her Cutie Mark thing was a trio of pink butterflies. She also had- wait what. Wings. A huge pair of yellow bird’s wings were folded against her back.
“Umm. You have wings.”
“Yes… You sound surprised.”
“Yes, well, where we come from horses don’t have wings. You’re a Pegasus. Mythical. Not real. Fairy-tale.” answered Luke. Thalos was gaping, shocked that he hadn’t noticed these earlier.
“Can you fly?” asked Thalos, almost unable to contain his excitement. He was like a kid who’d just been told he could have any candy in the shop.
“Yes, I can, although not very well. My friend Rainbow Dash is much better at it than I am.”
I was about to say something when we heard a screech from the deep forest, followed by a piercing howl.
“More stick wolves, great.” I muttered?
“Stick wolves? Are those small timberwolves?”
“Oh, so that’s what they’re called. Also, timberwolves, really? This world is like one bad pun.”
Thalos broke me from my rant, “Hey, Jake, focus. We have work to do.”
“Right, children to save, wolves to beat up. Hop to it.”
“WHAAAAT! NO BEATING UP WOLVES!”
“But… children? Think about the children!”
“NO! Jake, we talk to the wolves.”
“And if they say no?”
“Well then we grab the girls and run.”
“But we can beat the wolves!” Thalos whined. “It’s easy! You just take a big stick and-”
“NO. HURTING. WOLVES.”
“Alright.” we said in unison, cowed by the sudden outburst.
Fluttershy led the way into a clearing where three tiny ponies were ringed in by a pack of timberwolves. I readied a big stick just in case, then shoved Fluttershy into the clearing.
“Good luck!”
“Eep!”
The wolves turned around, facing the disturbance to their dinner.
“Hello, um, Mister Wolf, could you please, um, not eat those fillies, that is, if that’s okay with you. Please?”
I tightened my grip on the big stick ‘what the hell kind of conflict resolution is this.’
Much to my surprise, the wolves growled and backed away.
“What the fuck.” I heard Luke whisper by my side.
“Ditto.”
“That was quite impressive, Miss Fluttershy” commented a surprisingly composed Thalos.
Fluttershy was busy securing the three fillies, who seemed rather harrowed by the whole ‘almost getting eaten’ thing. I tired eavesdropping, but got nothing but an incomprehensible string of whinnies and snorts. Of course, being horses. They sounded pretty happy though. We clambered out of the shrubbery much to the terrible fright of three little children. They scrambled to put Fluttershy between them and us. I mean, we were like three times taller than they were.
“We’re not that scary, are we?” I asked.
“Well, you are rather tall. And carrying big sticks. And speaking loud gibberish.”
“Oh, if you insist.”
We dropped the sticks, figuring we shouldn’t terrify the kids any more than we had already.
“Please tell them we mean them no harm, and that we are here to help.”
Fluttershy turned to the cowering children and made some oddly human sounding whinnies. Whatever she said calmed the kids down, because they ceased their shaking and let go of each other.
“Could you three lead the way back to camp? We’ll follow behind you.”
“Alright, I can do that. Thalos, bring up the rear.”
I set our makeshift compass to guide us home. The language barrier meant that talking was a pain. I gave up after it took three minutes to get their names.
On the plus side, we knew their names. There was Sweetie Belle, who was a unicorn because well why not. She was white with a curly, two-tone mulberry and lilac mane and tail. Scootaloo was a pegasus girl, orange with a short fuschia mane. Lastly, Applebloom, a pale yellow filly without any weird shit going on. She had a wavy, cherry-red mane and tail. After that we sort of gave up because that took for-fucking-ever.
As we arrived back at camp, I asked Fluttershy to tell them not to touch our stuff. She showed them around the makeshift campsite, before we gave them, you guessed it, Berry con Carne. Once everyone was fed, we set them up in our shelters. We drew straws for first watch. I won, so I went first. The others settled down around the fire and were soon asleep.
I sat underneath the the glowing stars, keeping vigil over the small camp in which my companions slept. A faint rustling caught my attention. Looking over I saw the unicorn filly- Sweetie Belle, I think her name was- standing there staring at me. I stared back raising an eyebrow. She seemed nervous of me, her eyes darted about. I beckoned her over, patting my lap. Hesitantly she padded over, coming to a stop just in front of me. A smile played at the corners of my mouth, "Come on little one," I said, gesturing for her to come nearer, "I won't hurt you."
She started talking in the ponies' weird amalgamation of almost human syllables and neighs and whinnies, and it put a gentle smile on my face when I realized she was trying to reassure me. I tilted my head to the side in the way animals often did when confused or curious, before I set my implant to record what she was saying. As she talked, she put her hoof on my leg, petting me. It was both ironic and adorable, a horse petting a human, 'You're very sweet, little one," I said as I began stroking her head, "I think you'll be just fine."
After a moment or two of silence I turned off the recording. A half an hour passed, and Sweetie yawned and looked up at me with bleary eyes, made a short comment and climbed into my lap, curled up, and fell asleep. 'Great, now I have a sleeping mini-horse on my lap. What do I- ' my thoughts were interrupted by a shuffling in one of the bushes at the edge of the clearing, I snapped my head to the side and threw up my arm, turning on the thermal camera in my implant. I scanned the area for a few seconds before happening upon a heat signature shaped like a pony. Judging by its stance I’d say it was watching me. To test this theory I smiled in the pony’s direction and waved at it, which seemed to spook the little ‘Peeping Tom’ as the heat signature bolted off into the forest, ‘This is going to bite me in the ass later, I just know it,’ I thought as I picked up the filly sleeping in my lap and went to wake Luke for second watch.
“Be on the lookout,” I warned him, “I spotted a pony spying on us a minute ago.”
“Right, I’ll keep an eye out,” he nodded in response. “Though I gotta ask; why do you have a pony child in your arms?”
“Apparently I’m a good pillow, or some such bullshit. I don’t really understand what they’re saying, so for all I know, she just propositioned me.”
“Fluttershy did say they were kids, so I doubt that’s the case, but whatever. Personally I think you like her.”
“Not really. I’m bad with kids when I understand them. The language barrier makes it even more difficult to get them to shut up without upsetting them.”
“If you say so. She seems to like you well enough.”
“Look, I’m telling you now, this will all end in tears, I know it.”
“Riiight, I’ll believe it when I see it.”
“Whatever. Fuck you. I’m going to bed. Shut up.” With that I padded over to the shelter the other ponies were sleeping in and lay Sweetie down next to her friends, before walking over to the now unoccupied shelter, heaving myself onto the bedding, and falling asleep.
I felt myself float through my dreamscape. Again. I need to find out why this keeps happening.
“Aha! We have found thee again, fiend!” I heard the sourceless voice call out.
“Who are you?” I asked. “Why are you calling me a fiend?”
“Thou art the one tainting the dreams of our subjects! We will not stand for this!”
“What?”
“Thy influence shall spread no longer!”
“What?”
“Do not play innocent, cretin, We know that it is you that invades the dreams of others!”
“This is the single most stupid dream I have ever had.”
“And it shall be your last!”
“Why?”
“What?”
“Why will this be my last dream?”
“For we shall smite thee where thy stand!”
“Umm, I don’t think I’d very much enjoy being smited, thank you very much.”
“We, er, don’t imagine many do, umm. CEASE THY MIND GAMES AT ONCE FOUL BEAST! WE SHALL NOT BE DELAYED ANY LONGER! THOU SHALT FACE FACE THY END, NOW!”
“Whoawhoawhoa, wait, explain. I know my rights, I think, I’d like to know what exactly I’m accused of.”
“WHAT? THOU DARES TO QUESTION US, THE PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT?”
“Wait you’ve been referring to yourself with a royal we? Seriously?” I snarked, poking the hopefully proverbial bear.
“WE HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THY FOOLERY! YOU STAND CHARGED WITH INTENT TO SOW FEAR AND CHAOS AMONGST THE CITIZENS OF EQUESTRIA!”
“Umm, question?”
“WHAT NOW?!”
“Where’s Equestria?”
“How did thee find their way if thou does not know where thou are?”
“I got here by accident. From another planet. There were some ridiculous accidents.”
The voice sighed heavily.
“We shall have to invest-”
A pop interrupted the princess’s speech.
A much quieter and considerably saner sounding voice spoke up. “Your highness, I have found the source of the disturbance.”
“You have? Tell us where is it so we may smite it!”
“It is in the Everfree forest, your highness.”
“We understand, well done scout. We shall send word to the Elements come the morn.”
Another pop signalled the loss of the sane voice, and I felt myself wake to the sound of breaking glass.
Wednesday 8:15 AM
I sat up slowly, blinking the sleep from my eyes.
“Oh! Good morning, Jake,” I heard Fluttershy call, “Breakfast is ready.”
I trudged over to the shelter Thalos was sleeping in, “Thalos get up.” Nothing. “Thalos. Get. Up.” I shook him, but he didn’t respond, “Fine, I’ll just have to do this the hard way.” Standing back up, I grabbed a bucket of water, and doused whatever dreams Thalos had. Once again Thalos flailed madly, realized he wasn’t dying, and turn his ire on me, “One day,” he hissed through gritted teeth. “One day I’m going to get my divine vengeance.”
“Uhuh, that’s nice, anyway, I thought you’d like some breakfast. I think it’s berries again.”
“Yay, berries.”
“Such enthusiasm, I’m impressed.”
“Go to Hell, Jake.”
“Love you too. Now go eat your bloody breakfast.”
“Fine.”
We made our way over to the small fire in the middle of the camp, dropped ourselves on the grass and tucked in to a hearty meal of berry pancakes, which were made by Fluttershy, who ground the seed of the berries into a kind of flour, and used a large flat rock as a stove.
As the three little ones made their way over, the orange one stood on a rather sharp rock. ‘Pair of lungs on that one,’ I thought as I walked over to check on the injured child. A quick look found no blood. “Come on you lot, breakfast is getting cold,” I said waving for them to grab their food. They cocked their heads and stared at me until Fluttershy called them in horse language.
As we sat down for breakfast, I heard a large rustling in the bushes to the north of the clearing. As I glanced up, a bright blue bolt barrelled out of the treeline, headed towards the girls. I immediately sprung up, throwing myself in front of the azure cannonball, catching it with my shoulder. A gut wrenching pop followed the impact. Agony tore its way into my arm as I tumbled through the air.
The blue bolt resolved itself into a rainbow maned pony. ‘Well that’s not stereotypical at all.’ She had wings, like Fluttershy, and a furious look on her face. As she saw me sit up, she thrust a hoof in my direction and began yelling what I assumed to be threats against my welfare. I ignored her for the moment. Looking back to the camp I saw Luke being set upon by a light orange pony, with a blonde mane and a stetson. She stunned Luke with a headbutt before bucking him across the clearing. ‘That has got to hurt.’ My gaze was then drawn to Thalos, who looked supremely confused by the white unicorn standing in front of him flicking her dark purple mane with a hoof. A moment of stillness passed, before her horn lit up with a bright blue aura, and Thalos was catapulted through the camp. My attention snapped back to my assailant just in time for me to roll out of the way of another high speed attack. I scrambled up to my feet, looking frantically about for some kind of weapon. I heard a battle cry behind me, and immediately jumped to the side. I screamed as I landed on my injured shoulder. Rolling onto my back I felt a small weight in one of my pockets. Reaching with my good arm I pulled out my knife and flicked it open before standing again. I twisted to face my opponent, knife in hand. I steeled myself, waiting for the attack. The rainbow maned monster once again charged toward me. I brought up my knife as she slammed into me. An instant before the knife pierced her chest, a lavender aura surrounded her, wrenching her aside. My blade glanced off her shoulder, drawing blood. She screamed and wrapped her other foreleg around herself, pressing on the wound. I roared at her, sending her reeling back at the sudden, vicious display. The lavender aura surrounded me, forcing the air out of my lungs as an intense pressure bore down on my entire body. I tried to scream, but I couldn’t draw any breath. I began thrashing as the edges of my vision turned black. The last thing I heard was Fluttershy screaming.
I bolted upright, gulping down air like there'd never be any more. Pushing myself up, I looked around. I was in a room that looked to be made entirely of cartoon wood, 'great I'm still in this animated fucking hell.' I climbed off the metal slab I was laying on, 'Wait, how the fuck did I get here?' "Hello? Is anyone there?" I checked my pockets for my phone, which I used as a light to get a better look around the darkened room. On one side I saw a staircase leading up. I walked up the stairs, and tried the door. 'Locked. Fuck. Whoever put me in here is not gonna have a nice day when they get back.' I made my way down the precariously small steps, and looked closer at the contents of the room I was in. It looked like this was some sort of lab, 'I hope there was no probing while I was out,' I saw a chalkboard with some indecipherable writing on it as well as a diagram that looked like a human, 'I don't like implications of this.'
I heard the thump of footsteps approaching the door. Panicking, I grabbed the first heavy object my hand came across, the board duster. I heard the lock click and the door creak. I hid behind the slab as the lights burst into life. There was some kind of shouting in the language the ponies use. The sound of hooves came closer. I waited until the pony was almost on top of me, before I sprung up and hurled the duster at it. She, or at least I thought so, screamed as the duster hit her in the face, the puff of dust getting in her eyes. I vaulted over the table and sprinted for the door. I dived through the portal into a group of ponies, in fact it was the same group that attacked the camp.
"Oh shit."
The one with the gay pride hair and heavily bandaged side, leapt back with a panicked yelp, giving me an opening. I scrambled to my feet, and began to run with all I had. I heard some yelling coming from the group as the finally snapped out of their shock. The chase was on. I kept running even as the yelling got closer. I ran through the town, trying to find a place to lose my pursuers. I reached the edge of town and spotted a thick treeline. I felt my muscles burning, screaming at me to stop, but I kept going, up until a purple flash erupted in my face. I tumbled to the ground, blinded. I blinked the spots from my vision and looked at the source of the flash, a purple pony with flared wings and a glowing horn. Fear coursed through me as I scrambled away from the angry pony, remembering the aura that almost killed my friends and me, "G-get back!" I cried, pushing myself away as the pony approached, my panic turning to rage as I realized that the pony in front of me was the source of my current state, "I'm warning you, step BACK!"
There was a cry from behind the group, causing every one of them to stare at the source of the voice. It was Fluttershy! She started speaking firmly, even harshly to the group. Every single one of them was hanging their head in shame when she was finished. I watched in shock as every one of them walked up to me, and said some kind of apology. Then Fluttershy walked up to me, "I'm sorry about my friends, they thought you were some kind of monster."
"Why would they think that?!" I yelled, my fear turning to anger, "My friends didn't do anything wrong! In fact we saved your fucking life!"
My chest heaved as I struggled to keep the red out of my vision. A second later the blue pony that attacked Jake was in my face, yelling at me. 'Fine, then. No more Mr nice guy.' My hand shot out and wrapped around her throat. Her eyes bulged as she clawed at my hand. I gripped harder, until I heard the little pony's hacking attempts to breathe. I saw the others staring at me with horror, "What, you thought I was just going to sit there and let you call me a monster?! Like hell! You want a monster? Here I am! You stupid arrogant little fuckers don't know just how monstrous an angry human can be!" I squeezed the blue pony's neck tighter, "I want my friends. NOW!"
"STOP!" screamed Fluttershy, "Please stop, I'll take you to your friends, I promise. Just put Rainbow down, please!"
I threw the pony in my grip at her group, before looking at Fluttershy, "Next pony that attacks me gets deep sixed, clear?"
"Deep... sixed?"
"Killed."
Fluttershy gulped, "O-okay, we left them in the library after you ran away."
"Let's go."
We walked back to the library, which stopped me for a moment. It's a tree. The library is a tree.
'What would Jake do?' With that thought my focus returned to the task at hand, "Where are they?" I demanded.
"U-upstairs."
I bolted up the stairs, slamming the door open, "Oh, there you are, TK, where've you been?" queried Jake, far too calmly.
"I was just chased halfway across this shit-hole by those fucking ponies!"
"So that's what all the ruckus was. What took you down?" Luke asked.
Jake snickered, "His own damn feet, I bet."
"...Fuck you."
Both men burst out laughing. "Haha. Laugh it up, assholes."
They both laughed harder. 'I'm never living this down.' "Look, that's not important," I said, trying to change the subject. "Right now we need to get out of here before they dissect us."
Jake stopped laughing for a moment and looked at me, before resuming his laughter. I stood there, confused, "Why are you laughing?! They were fucking probing me in the basement!" Jake slipped off his seat due to the force of his laughter.
"Oh God, how do you think of this shit? It's brilliant!"
"W-what? No! I'm serious!" I cried. "They locked me up in the basement to experiment on me!" In an instant the laughter died. Jake sat ramrod straight, his face expressionless, "Why do you think that?"
"There were diagrams of humans and a bunch of notes and shit that I couldn't read."
"Oh, that. No, that was me explaining how humans worked in order for them to help me check on you and Luke," Jake explained, stunning me.
"WHY IN GOD'S NAME WOULD YOU HELP THEM?!" I yelled, outraged, "THEY TRIED TO KILL US!"
"No they didn't. They tried to incapacitate us, keep us still until they could get the girls away from the unknown monsters that might have been about to eat the children," came Luke's response. "Which seems like a fairly logical thing to do. You don't go around cornering an unpredictable creature and hoping it doesn't turn around bite your face off."
“But- The secret lab! Evil diagrams!”
Jake sighed, “The lab is not secret, it’s just in a basement, and I drew the diagrams to show them what was wrong with you, as I’ve already explained. Not that there’s much to help.”
“...Fuck you.”
“That’s not very nice you know.”
It was at that point that the ponies I’d left in the street returned. ‘Well shit.’ I panicked slightly when my fellow humans rose from the floor and made their way to the door.
“Uhhhh… Guys?”
“Yes, Thalos?” Jake sighed.
“Things may get messy down there.”
“Oh what fresh hell have you caused us now?”
“I may have kinda, sorta tried to choke out the blue one. Maybe.”
The sound of two palms meeting two faces echoed through the silence left by my almost confession.
“I swear to god you are a walking, talking, PR nightmare,” hissed Jake.
“Would that be pony relations in this case?” asked Luke with a snicker.
“Fuck off, I’m not dealing with your puns right now. And Thalos?” Jake said.
“Yes?” I answered, fear seeping into my voice.
“If you even think about opening your mouth while I try to stop them burning you at the stake, I will personally light the fire. Entendido, mi amigo?
“Sure, I promise I wo-” Jake glared at me. “Right shutting up now.”
Jake then decided that we had best make ourselves known. He began to make his way down.
As we descended the sound of an argument rose up to meet us. We paused for a moment, Jake turned and looked at me as if to say ‘I blame you for this.’ Pushing forward Jake opened the door to find Fluttershy surrounded by the other five members of their little group looking rather angry. Fluttershy in turn looked somewhat scared. ‘Screw not saying anything!’ I shoved Jake aside,
“Hey!” I yelled, bursting into the room, “Get away from her!”
I put myself between Fluttershy and the group.
“She has done nothing wrong! I have, so I should be the one to get yelled at! Not her. I made mistakes because I was scared and stupid, so yell at me in your stupid language! I know it won’t make sense! I don't care!”
The five ponies stood and looked at me in obvious confusion. I looked at Fluttershy and asked her to translate. As she spoke the group grew more confused, looking between Fluttershy and I. It appeared to have a calmed the ponies in front of me down, though.
I was feeling pretty good about that, until I turned around and saw the glare Jake was aiming at me. I wilted slightly, knowing that he would not have very many kind words for me. I watched as he stepped past me, surprising me by saying nothing. Jake took a deep breath, clapped his hands loudly and announced,
“Let’s get down to business, shall we?”
Fluttershy spoke after him, and the other ponies nodded in response,
“Excellent. First order is the assault on our camp and ourselves. I am of the understanding that you believed us to be intent on harming your friend and siblings. My companions and I are willing to overlook this instance,”
Jake paused to let Fluttershy catch up, and the ponies’ face were washed with relief, which vanished the moment Jake continued,
“however, should another pony act violently toward us, we reserve the right to defend ourselves in what manner we deem fit,”
As Fluttershy translated the last part the faces of the orange pony, the blue bitch, and the purple hybrid-thing twisted into anger. The white unicorn looked disgusted and the pink nut-job looked unfased.
The purple one spoke to Fluttershy, who translated,”Um, Jake? My friend says that you can’t go around hurting ponies just because they don’t like you… if that’s alright.”
Jake sighed, “Look, I’m not going to go out and beat a pony that looks at me funny, but I will not stand idle as someone tries to hurt me or my friends. It is not my intent to seek violence, but should it find me, I will respond in kind to eliminate the threat, okay?”
Fluttershy turned to the others and spoke, and let them respond, before turning back to Jake, “They say that that is fine, as long as you don’t hurt an innocent pony.”
“Sweet, that sorts that. Next up is the assault on the blue pegasus-”
“I’m so, so, sorry to interrupt, but her name is Rainbow Dash… I’m sorry…”
“Right, thanks. The assault on Rainbow Dash earlier today????, that was entirely the fault of Panicked Thalos™. I think that considering the circumstances we can put this down to bad luck and move on? Unless you have different ideas, of course.”
Fluttershy translated to the group.
The lavender pegacorn… thing… whinnied conspiratorially with the others, then turned to Fluttershy and nodded slightly.
“Um, we’re willing to accept those terms if that’s ok with you. But Twilight wants to bring Thalos before the Princesses, she says it’s mostly a formality.”
“The Princesses? I take it that they are your rulers?”
More whinnying, also some neighing. Maybe a nicker or two.
“Well, yes. There’s also Princess Twilight, who is, well, right here.”
‘What’ I tried to decide whether to panic or laugh at the absurdity of this.
“Do we bow or something, because I’m pretty sure she’s the one who did the glowy crushy nonsense yesterday, so yeah, that’s not liable to be a thing we do. Ever.”
I don’t think she translated this part.
“She’s not too concerned with formalities. Umm, she wants me to get your answer.”
“I don’t see any issues with that so long as we’re able to communicate, lest things go pear-shaped.”
“Oh, that won’t be a problem. They will surely come here. They do it all the time!”
“So we’re meeting the regents,” Jake concluded, “cool.”
It would appear that Jake threw my phone at me. Welp, that’s what happens when you use a meme as a wake-up alarm. Lesson learned, will totally do again tomorrow.
“Luke, I swear to God if you don’t change that accursed alarm tune, I’m going to use your battery as a lighter.”
I quickly reassembled the phone, silencing it before the backup alarms could kick in. Hey, when you’re meeting the Princesses, you don’t want to be late.
“Everyone, get up, we need to get ready,” I called, “We have Princesses to meet!”
I usually wouldn’t get this excited about a meeting, but come on, Princesses! We haven’t had princesses for like a century!
“Thalos, it’s morning.” I heard Jake shout.
“No, it’s not.”
“Fine I guess you don’t want your nice, steamy cup of WAKE THE FUCK UP!”
“Both of you, stop bickering. Thalos, put on some pants. Jake. Be less… you.”
“...No…”
“Fine then, be you, but quieter.”
Twilight and Fluttershy chose this moment to barge into the room. Thalos, who was halfway through tugging on his jeans, screeched in shock and fell over.
“Getoutgetoutgeout! And learn to fucking knock!” interspersed by more screeching.
Unfortunately, ponies don’t speak English, so they probably assumed this was more screeching.
“Fluttershy, could you give us a moment? We’ll be right out.”
“Oh yes, of course, I’m sorry, we didn’t mean to disturb you… sorry… eep.”
With that out of the way, Thalos put on his Big Boy pants and we got down to business. We staggered down the stairs and into the main library, where the ponies were waiting for us, minus Twilight.
“She’s gone out to meet the Princesses. They should be he-”
The bouffant-maned mare, seemingly noticing us for the first time, interrupted with panicked horse noises, before trying to push us into another room, likely to attempt to teach us proper etiquette, with more panicked horse noises.
“Yeah no,” was Jake’s response to this. “You want me civil? Get me a mug of spiced tea, and a fucking rusk. I’m not going to bow and kiss royal ass until I’ve had my morning tea.”
Fluttershy finally caught up on her translations, “...and, umm, something about “Right foot three inches from the left.” Sorry, she wasn’t very clear even in Equestrian.”
Jake was gone out the door, leaving Thalos and me at the mercy of the painfully polite pony.
“Welp,” said Thalos, “I am going to go see what Jake’s up to. Good luck Luke!” and sauntered out.
Aw, this is Parallel Computing 101 all over again.
“Fluttershy, tell her to start again. Slowly. I guess I better make a good impression because the other two clearly will not.”
Cue horse noises.
“Alright: Rarity says that while you can speak to the Princesses casually, you should at least try to speak formally. No contractions and the like. Oh, and you shouldn’t sit before she sits. And stand when she comes in. No wait actually you should bow-”
The door to the main room flew open and in walked the Sun.
Or, at least, that’s what it looked like. This pony was glowing with some kind of crazy energy. My addled brain tried to stand, sit and bow all at once and I ended up in a downward dog. When I looked around, Jake had spilled tea all over his breakfast and Thalos seemed completely unaware, of his surroundings, his head bobbing to an unheard beat. DJ’s have no respect for the element of surprise!
Shrugging, Jake picked up his rusk and promptly bit into it, moaning as a foodgasm hit his pallet. Yep, I was definitely the most well put together of our group. Well done for interspecies politics, 10/10.
As the glare faded, I took in the details of the new pony. She had wings and a horn, like Twilight, but the similarities ended there. She was huge, easily a head taller than me had I been standing up. From down here, she loomed far over me. She tucked her wings to her sides, dimming her glow and revealing a smaller, but still tall pony on her right, roughly my height. She was a midnight blue, also bearing both a horn and wings.
“I guess you’re the Princesses then?” asked Jake, standing and bowing elegantly. I tried to figure out if this was breaking any rules, but I was still shaking off the aftermath of her entrance.
I unfolded myself from my morning Yoga to glare at Jake. “I thought you didn’t do bowing?”
“Well, someone had to be the not useless one, after you failed.”
“Gah- But- Agh, fine.”
Fluttershy spoke up, translating for some or other majordomo who had accompanied the two inside, “Announcing Princesses Celestia and Luna on this day the- oh, I don’t need to translate this part. Nevermind. Sorry.”
Let’s play “Who’s That Princess!” If you guessed that the giant glowing one was Luna, you’d be plain wrong and an embarrassment to everyone!
Thalos had the common decency to look surprised when he finally turned around and noticed that royalty had arrived.
“Woah, when the hell did Sunbutt get here?”
“Hey, Thalos?” called Jake, “You see this?” he held up an apple, “This is a pear!”
Celestia looked confused, then nickered to Luna. Luna closed her eyes, and started her horn glowing. A pale blue pulse flowed over the room, and suddenly everything got a whole lot more loud.
“-spell was that, Princess Luna?”
“Twas a simple translation cantrip, it shall allow us to speak with these strangers.”
“Wait a second,” said Jake. “I know that voice. You’re Princess Shouty!”
“HOW DARE THEE, I AM LUNA! PRINCESS OF THE MOON AND STARS! I GOVERN ALL THAT LIES WITHIN THE REALM OF THE NIGHT! I WATCH OVER THE DREAMS OF ALL! AND YET YOU MOCK ME?”
“To be fair, you brought this on yourself. I mean the shouting? Really? You’re hitting like, a hundred decibels. You need to stop.”
Celestia spoke up, “Sister, I have been asking you to work on controlling your voice. It isn’t productive to replace our senate every three years due to hearing loss.”
“BUT TIA! HE DISRESPECTED ME!”
“Inside castle voice, Luna, or no moonpies for dessert.”
“Tia, they can hear us, you’re embarrassing me!”
“Then next time, don’t call me Tia in front of our subjects” she said with a superior toss of her mane.
I decided to intervene, “Well, now that we’ve prevented a civil war, how may we assist you?”
Twilight answered, “The Princesses are here to make sure that you’re not a threat to anypony, that’s all.”
Jake burst out laughing, “The only threat we pose is to ourselves and our dignities, and potentially everyone else if you piss me off.”
I groaned, “Jake, that is not even slightly diplomatic!”
“It is, however quite true.”
Luna clearly took offense, which might just be spite for Jake, “See sister, he is clearly a risk to our security!”
“Not hardly, I pose no threat to your security, I’m completely incapable of compromising it.”
Thalos piped up again, “We think we make magic explode!”
“Oh for the love of- ARGH! This is why we can’t have nice things!” cried an exasperated Jake.
Seeing as this was getting us nowhere, I took lead again, “Clearly we can’t be that much of a danger, seeing as we were incapacitated by five boisterous mares with delusions of grandeur.”
A unified “Hey!” sounded behind me. Oh yeah, I forgot they were still here.
Twilight clearly had an idea, seeing how she perked up, “What if we keep them in here for a while, to see if they’re actually dangerous. Every time we’ve had trouble it’s because we didn’t actually talk! I sent you a letter about this, Celestia, number 327, line 14, do you remember?”
Celestia put on a diplomatic smile, “Of course I do, Twilight, and I think that your idea holds merit, as such I believe it would be best if these… Oh my it seems that in all this confusion I’d forgotten to ask what you call yourselves.”
Jake was the first to respond, “Alternivity Deaf-I mean Deft at your service.”
Luna snorted derisively.
‘Oh, we’re doing it this way then. Shit, I need to figure something out. Let’s see, umm, There’s a door, a river. Umm, looks like a farm...’
“Locke Brookfield here.” Yes, yes that will do. Flawless victory.
Thalos failed to catch on, “I’m Thalos Kalvin. My friends call me TK.”
“I was referring to your species, but it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.”
Right. That would make a lot of sense. Haven’t seen any humans around here.
“We’re humans. Homo sapiens sapiens, ever heard of them? We’re a pretty big deal, got a whole planet and everything.”
“I am afraid I haven’t heard of ‘humans’ before today.”
“So, so far from Kansas.”
“I’m pretty sure it’s still Los Alamos.”
I spoke up, “Los Alamos is basically desert. This place is pretty much forestry”
“Let me have this joke just once. Please?”
“This joke already flew over his head a few days ago.”
“Just like Dorothy’s house! Bazinga, bitch!”
“You are the absolute worst.”
“I still don’t get,” Thalos announced, “also Sunbutt and Loudbutt left while you were fighting.”
“Well, shit. They were fun to mess with.”
“WHAT?” Twilight screamed, “You mean to tell me you were messing with the Princesses? The most powerful ponies in Equestria?”
“Yes?”
“You are the worst.”
I saw an opening, “That’s what I said!”
Twilight sighed, “This is going to be a long week.”
After their meeting with the Princesses, I decided it would be best if the three humans were introduced to the town, “Alternivity? Am I saying that right?” the human in question nodded, “Locke? Like a door, right?”
“Yep?”
“Thalos?”
“Present.”
“Good, none of you wandered off.”
“That is an ever-present danger with us,” quipped Alternivity.
“Great. Rainbow? I’m going to need your help watching these three.”
“No problem, Twi! I’d never leave my friends hanging!”
“What about when you have to carry them?” asked Thalos, innocently.
“They usually ride me.”
All three humans burst into uproarious laughter.
“Hey! What’s so funny?”
Thalos quelled his laughter long enough to shout, “That’s what she said!” before returning to his fun.
“What- I- No! That’s not what I meant!” Rainbow yelled, crimson staining her cheeks.
Before Rainbow could cram her hoof any further into her mouth, I butted in, “Thalos, stop picking on my friends. Rainbow, are you still up for this?”
Rainbow had a troubling gleam in her eye. Oh dear, she was not going to let go of this.
“Hay yeah, I am!”
“Excellent,” I said, “why don’t we go see the mayor first, and have her set up a town meeting?”
“Sure, I guess,” was Alternivity’s response.
“Yay, outside!” cried Thalos, “And without the fear of probing!”
“I’m sure that’s Rainbow’s deal-”, began Luke
“Hey!”
“But I digress. Let’s go see the Mayor shall we?”
“Yes,” I hissed, “let’s go.”
I really didn’t want to deal with the rest of the town meeting these three yet, so I decided to lead them through some of the narrower alleyways that would take us right up to the town hall.
As we neared the town hall, Jake shouted, “Heads up!” and jerked a thumb behind him. We were promptly set upon by three fluffy disaster zones.
Applebloom nailed Locke in the small of the back and knocked him to the floor. Sweetie Belle wrapped herself around Thalos’s neck, and Alternivity caught a speeding Scootaloo in one hand.
“Girls! Where did you come from?”
Applebloom stood up on top of Locke, “We were on the roof. Y’all don’t pay attention good.”
Alternivity softly set down a struggling Scootaloo and tapped a weird glass thing mounted on his arm, “I saw you a few blocks back. Bushes aren’t the greatest for hiding. Nice use of those boxes though.”
“Where are you taking them?” asked Scootaloo.
I sighed. If anypony is curious, it’s the Cutie Mark Crusaders. “We’re just taking them to meet the mayor, so we can make sure everypony knows they’ve arrived.”
Sweetie Belle perched on top of Thalos’s head, “Can we come with? We were the first ones to meet them.”
Locke stood up, sending Applebloom tumbling onto the floor. “Hell of a kick there, little one. Next time, try not to knock me over.”
I decided that there couldn’t be much harm in letting the girls come along. Besides, if we told them to go away they’d just follow us. Again.
“Fine, you can come. Let’s get this over with.”
We arrived at the Town Hall with no further incident. I left the humans under Rainbow’s watch and went inside to speak with the Mayor. A few short explanations and a great deal of “I’m too old for this” we had a plan to introduce the village to the humans.
When I returned to the rest of them, I let them know the plan, “Mayor Mare says that she’ll have a town meeting at three o'clock tomorrow, so that we can introduce them to the village. For now,” I glared at the humans, “we are to lie low, and not cause any trouble”
“I promise nothing.” the three said simultaneously.
As we started walking towards the exit, Rainbow chimed in.
“Twi, how hard can it be. We just have to get them back the the library and it’ll all be-”
PARTY
Just beyond the hall’s doors was an enormous celebration. A steady rain of streamers fell from high above while balloons drifted around the square. Long tables covered with all manner of snacks dotted the grass, and it seemed like most of the town had joined in the party. A few local musicians were playing light music on a stage that should have taken three days and a train car full of stagehoofs to set up.
Overhead, suspended between two houses, was a long banner, stating that this was a “HAPPY DISCOVERING A NEW SPECIES AND ALSO WELCOME TO PONYVILLE THREE NEW HUMANS WHO KEEP ON CALLING THEMSELVES DIFFERENT NAMES SO I’M NOT SURE WHAT TO CALL THEM YET PARTY!”
I give up.
“Hey guys free food!”
“Sweet.”
“And savoury, too.”
Ohnononono! I cannot let the townsponies see these three before the meeting tomorrow! What do I do? “Wait!”
“I-I, um, think it might be, um, better if you, you know, avoid public places until after the meeting tomorrow. Ponies around here tend to be a bit, um, panicky.”
Thalos looked confused, “Why would anyone be scared of us?”
“You’re tall and sort of intimidating, and also a completely new species they’ve never met before.”
“Would now be a bad time to tell you that Alternivity just walked over to the cupcake table?”
“WHAT?”
“Hey! He’s bringing some back for us too!”
“Hey, who wants cupcakes?”
“Me!” shouted Thalos.
“Sure,” was Locke’s response.
“Here,” Alternivity handed a cupcake to Locke.
“And me?”
“Tough shit, Thalos. You opened your mouth before cupcake time, so you don’t get any.”
“But-but, I want a cupcake!”
Locke facepalmed, “You realise you could just go out there and get one.”
“I had not thought of that.”
“Clearly, or else I imagine you would already be there”
Thalos opened his mouth to argue, and it was immediately filled with a cake. Pinkie had arrived.
“Hey everypony! I just saw you guys across the party and I thought you looked so lonely and I thought that you might need someone to introduce you to the rest of the townsponies and then I saw that Thalos didn’t have a cupcake and now I’m here!”
“He wasn’t supposed to have a cupcake.”
“Well I guess he does now. Who wants to play Pin the Tail on the Princess?”
“That sounds like a major case of lèse-majesté,” said Alternivity. ”I’m in.”
“Sign me up.”
“But you aren’t supposed to be introduced to the town until tomorrow!”
“And?”
“And this counts as an introduction!”
“You can’t always have nice things, Twilight. Especially if Thalos has a nuclear potato gun.”
“Speaking of that, where did it end up? I don’t really think that’s the kind of thing we want to leave lying around.”
“I’ll go hunting for it when we head out to grab our shit from the camp. But for now let’s make a terribad first impression. To the party!”
And with that Alternivity swaggered off followed closely by Thalos, and somewhat by Locke.
“I’ll go hunting for it when we head out to grab our shit from the camp. But for now let’s make a terribad first impression. To the party!”
And with that I swaggered off followed closely by Thalos, and somewhat by Locke. From there I made my way over to the drinks table, hoping to determine which bowl had the Fun Punch™. I spotted one mare staggering slightly and taking a cup form one of the bowls. My investigation complete, I strode over to that bowl before grabbing the ladle and pouring myself a cup. I took a sip to find, much to my horror and chagrin, that some assclown had put salt in the punch! I spat it out as quickly as I could before tipping out the cup on the ground.
“Hey, what’s the big idea wasting all that punch?!” shouted the inebriated mare.
“There’s salt in it! Why is there salt in it?”
“Because it’s better that way!”
“What? How is putting salt in a drink good?”
It was at this point that Thalos realised that something was wrong with his drink. I didn’t know people could actually do spit-takes in real life. You learn something every day.
Thalos trudged over looking grumpy, “Dude, why the hell is there salt in the punch?”
“I was just asking this mare the same thing.”
“I already told you, it makes it better!”
“How exactly?”
“Are you blind? It takes the edge off.”
“You mean to tell me that salt has an intoxicating effect on you?”
“Wait, salt makes ponies drunk?”
“Seemingly.”
At this point Luke walked over, completing a rough circle around the mare, who started to look nervous, “So, did you find the good stuff?”
“In a sense. For this lot the good stuff is salt,” I huffed.
“Well then, I guess we're not having any stiff drinks today. Probably for the best, though. I would not want to be out in the forest with a hangover.”
“Fair enough,” Thalos shrugged.
“Very well then, we’re agreed, no booze for now,” I said. “Though I’m setting up a still when we get back.”
“Well hello there, darlings! I do hope you’re enjoying the party!” called Rarity through the crowd.
“It has been pleasant for the most part.”
“Wonderful! Do carry on with all your, ummm, ‘Humaning’ for now , alright?” I watched her saunter back into the throngs of revelers.
“...Will do.”
I then made my way out into the veritable sea of ponies, with the hope of them seeing me being completely at ease dissuading any fear of us.
This peace was not to last.
It was at this point that I realized Thalos had fucked up. Not intentionally but still… I can’t believe he managed to trip over nothing and grab some random mare’s backside while screeching frantically, which of course led to mass panic, and the inevitable multitude of accusations which were sure to follow. I should probably have intervened, but I was too busy trying not to suffocate on my newfound, unsalted punch. Moments later I found myself sprawled on the floor...maybe Twilight had a point. Ah well.
“Ow ow ow ow, it hurts, everything hurts! Why does it hurt so much?!” I heard Thalos mewl pitifully, “There may not be any girls here but I still had hope for children!”
“And now you’ve chlorinated your own gene pool,” I grunted. “This is why you didn’t get a cupcake, you’d just find some way to accidentally blow it up in our faces!”
“Are you alright?” called a panicked Twilight, “Thalos? Alternivity?”
“I’ll be good in a sec,” I said, “Thalos, on the other hand, may need a few minutes to regain his senses.”
“Good everyone is okay, wait where is Locke? LOCKE! LOOOOOOOOOOOOCKE!”
“Yes?” answered a confused Luke as he walked up behind Twilight, “Is there something you need?”
“Oh thank Celestia! You’re alright!”
“Why would I thank Sunbutt? She had nothing to do with my pristine state.”
“Hey!” called Rainbow Dash, “What’s going on? I just saw a whole bunch of ponies running for their lives! Is there some sort of predator on the loose? Where is it?!”
I decided to give my two cents, “Thalos is the only predator here, but he’s just a sex fiend, so I wouldn’t worry too much.”
“Hey, wait, I’m still hungry!” and with that Thalos sprung to his feet as though he was never injured at all, before trundling over to one of the snack tables and chowing down with gusto.
“So,” I announced, with a clap of my hands, “now that that’s that, I propose we retire for the evening, so as to prepare for tomorrow’s expedition into the forest.”
“Yes!” was Twilight’s all too eager yelp.
“I concur with our host,” was Luke’s, placid response.
“Fair enough, I guess, but who gonna clean this mess up? Hashtag ‘Just saying’.”
Locke proceeded to glare at Thalos with the most sincere malice I’ve seen in quite some time.
“Thalos,” I warned, “remember what happens if you use hashtags when saying real words?”
“Uh-huh?”
“You’ve got... Oh I’d say,” I looked at my watch, “about ten seconds.”
“OH SHIT!” Thalos cried. And then he was gone, only a faint dust trail marking his path.
Smirking cruelly, I began my chase in earnest, with Luke hot on my heels.
Saturday - 15:37
Luke and I must have chased Thalos for an hour and a half before he fell to his knees in exhaustion. We were upon him moments later, and seeing how rustled his jimmies were set me snickering. Luke followed shortly after. Soon the three of us were laughing hysterically, not really noticing our surroundings.
That changed fairly quickly once the growling and creaking started. In an instant we were sober, listening intently for any signs of an approaching threat. No surprise a small pack of, you guessed it, timberwolves sprang upon us. We grabbed at whatever was within reach to try to fend them off. My comrades and I managed to hold them away long enough to scramble into the undergrowth and start running once again.
Which is how we ended up going into the forest. At breakneck pace with no idea which way we were actually headed. Par for the course by now, I suppose.
So really given how our luck was going by now the only thing we could possibly have encountered next was obviously going to be heavy, dangerous and totally our fault.
“Hey,” said Luke, “I think I know how to find our campsite. It’s going to be dangerous and stupid and at least 30% of us are going to hate it but it’ll be awesome. Trust me.”
“Okay, go ahead and explain this plan of yours,” I prompted.
Thalos sighed, “How much is this gonna hurt?”
“That depends entirely on how conscious you are.”
“Waitwaitwait,” I interrupted, “I like seeing Thalos in pain as much as the next guy, but how are we going to set up a sterile work area in this forest? We can’t risk him getting an infection.”
“That’s the thing,” Luke began, “we’re not going to open him up to any large degree. All we need is access to the output of his antenna.”
“How did you know about that?”
“Because I’m the poor shit from IT who drew the short straw when you commissioned a custom onboard audio system. Did you know that when you call now an alarm sounds?”
“That makes a lot of sense, now that I think about it. I always wondered why no one ever answered the phone when I rang tech support.”
“Right, back on topic,” I interjected, “how exactly do you plan on locating our camp using TK’s antenna?”
Luke smirked, “Remember what brought us here?”
“A series of unfortunate events?” prompted Thalos.
I hummed in thought, “That weapon of mass disruption Thalos built?”
“Yep, the Nuclear Potato Gun! Which, if memory serves, came through with us.”
“That might actually work pretty well,” I said, before pulling out my knife. “This should work for the initial incision. I think I have the components for the connection, so that won’t be an issue either.”
“Hold on a second!” shrieked Thalos, “Don’t I get a say in this?”
Luke and I both looked at him, “Nope.”
Thalos reacted as poorly as one might expect, “Fuck you guys! That’s bullshit! I’m not letting either of you assholes anywhere near me with that knife!”
As his protests grew in volume I began to worry that we might garner the interest of something large and hungry, “Okay, okay,” I made calming gestures with my hands, “we’re not going to cut you, so please calm down, we’re very exposed at the moment, and if you keep shouting it might attract some rather unpleasant company. Luke, I think we might have a better option. Think you could take a look at my sensor array?”
“Sure,” Luke adjusted his glasses, “just tell me where it is.” I proffered my right hand. The lenses in Luke's glasses glowed faintly as he grabbed my hand and began to twist and turn it looking at it from all angles, before he started moving up my arm, eyes widening more and more as he approached my elbow, where he unceremoniously dropped my arm. “Okay, what the actual fuck? Literally everything below the elbow is measuring equipment encased in titanium. How the hell did you manage that?”
Thalos raised his hand sheepishly, “That would be my fault. There was sort if an accident involving a hydraulic press and an ambiguously labeled button.”
“He fucking crushed my right hand and wrist in a two ton press. It took eighteen hours of surgery and six months of intensive physiotherapy to regain use of my hand. After that I had it outfitted with a couple low grade radio transceivers and kept upgrading from there. Was going to have a couple servos put in next year.”
“Holy shit. That is insane. Anyway it seems you have a pretty good Geiger counter in there, so we should be able to get a decent bead on our weapon of mass distraction.”
I flicked my wrist to bring up the HUD and began to seek out the Geiger counter. I found it and activated it. A series of intermittent clicks sounded in my ear, growing in frequency as I swung my arm around. I slowed down the sweeping motion as I honed in on the radioactive emissions of Thalos’ nuclear potato cannon. I still hate the fact that we were saved by that goddamned thing. As I found the direction of the strongest signal I set the heading on my compass.
“I've got a lead on the atomic tuber launcher, north-northwest. No idea how far, but that shouldn't be too much of an obstacle. Shall we head out? This spot is rather less secure than I would like, and if necessary we can take shelter in the clearing and head back to town in the morning. I vote we go.”
Luke nodded, “Seconded.”
Thalos flashed a thumbs up, “Let's blow this popsicle stand.”
And so we set off once more, this time at a somewhat reasonable pace and with a vague idea of where we going for once.
Walking sucks, a lot. Jake's suggestion of staying the night at our camp started to seem more and more like a good idea.
Thalos and Jake were chatting idly about some or other bad decision Thalos had made,of which there seemed to be many. Every so often they'd bring me into the conversation, mostly to settle a disagreement. As I watched the two of them speak, I saw an odd bond between them, seemingly out of spite for their history.
“You know, I've been trying to figure this out, how exactly did you two become friends?”
They looked at each other for a moment, before Jake began speaking, “You know the spaghetti scene from Lady and the Tramp?” I nodded, “Well, it was like that, except it involved a reel of solder and a sudden trip to the burn ward.”
I whistled, “That sounds like the perfect first impression.”
“It's about the best one to date,” Jake said, “you remember Greg?”
“Me? But we've never met before... well shit. That just begs the question of how you two are such good friends.”
Thalos chose that moment to speak up, “That's pretty simple actually, I'm the only one who can keep up with Jake's bullshit.”
“And I,” grinned Jake, “am the only one who doesn't literally explode when exposed to pure, unrefined TK.”
Of course, “That makes a lot of sense. However, where does that leave me?”
Jake stroked the starting hairs of his beard, “You’re probably going to end up being our public relations manager, seeing as I’m either an asshole or asleep, and TK’s… well TK.”
“So I have to make sure the ponies don’t hate you?”
Thalos flashed a thumbs up, “Pretty much!”
I’m so fucked.
After that the conversation petered out. Jake periodically checked on the Geiger, Thalos would occasionally pull some odds and ends from his backpack and make a note on his cellphone. I ended up dicking around with the arduino board mounted on my right forearm. Eventually I managed to assemble a basic GPS unit based off of dead reckoning.
Saturday - 18:25
By the time we stumbled back into camp, the sun had already dropped below the horizon.
“Cool,” announced Jake, “we're here. You two-” he suddenly stopped, lifting his hand. “There's something here. Spread out and check the shelters.”
“This is ridiculous why does trouble always find us?” moaned Thalos, “Why can’t it be a small fluffy FRIENDLY rabbit or puppy or anything that doesn't want to hurt me? Is that too much to ask?”
As we all spread out the only other noise than the wind and bushes was Thalos still mumbling under his breath, all armed and ready for a full on deathmatch.
I walked slowly over to the nearest shelter and peeked inside, shining the light from my cellphone over the interior. There was a flash of pale blue and yellow and I found myself sprawled out on my back.
“Found it!” I called, “Careful, it's a quick little bastard.”
“Got him!” yelled Thalos, just before a heavy thump echoed through the clearing, “Never mind.”
A brief scuffle erupted soon after, ending with a painful crunch. I swept my light over the area, stopping for a second on a dirt-caked Thalos before landing on Jake, who was standing calmly over the crumpled form of a pony wearing silver armor, emblazoned with crescent-moon sigils
“Titanium beats iron any day, dumbass.” he quipped, shaking his right hand.
“You remember what you said my job was? I don’t think that you should have punched that pony. Because generally people hate you when you punch them.”
“Iron still beats flesh though,” moaned Thalos while cradling his hand.
I burst out laughing and and Jake just stood there with face in palm...yet again.
I took stock of the situation: One triumphant physicist, two injured parties and nowhere near enough manpower to drag a horse all the way back to town. “I think that we’ll have to wait until he wakes up. I don’t think Princess Shouty would appreciate you leaving one of her guards in the wilderness.”
Jake huffed, “In that case, I recommend that you two collect the stuff that was left here and get ready to head out. In the meantime, I'll go find the nuclear spud chucker.”
“Wait, are we moving? I really don't want to move, I like this little place.” TK said with the most pathetic pleading face ever, before receiving a smack on the back of the head from Jake.
I shrugged, “Unless my memory is failing, this forest is full of stick monsters and other assorted nasties. You’re welcome to stay but don’t come crying to me when your insides are your outsides.”
“Whatever, I'm lazy and not really good for much outside of zany fun… And music! I like music!”
“Thalos?” Jake sighed, “Please shut up. You are giving me a headache. Would you just pick up our shit or something is going to kill you, and it won't be a forest thing! Play a song if you really must, but not too loud. If you get us attacked, I'm going to kneecap you so we can escape.”
“Any song requests?” asked Thalos, with a cocky grin plastered across his face.
“Whatever, really, no dubstep though,” with that Jake turned around and walked back into the forest.
POV: Jake
Saturday - 19:30
I scanned around the clearing for an hour or so, trying to triangulate the radiation put out by Thalos’ potato gun. Eventually I managed to find the vague direction it lay in, activated the Geiger counter in my arm and walked off, sweeping my arm back and forth to keep my bearings.
Thankfully, it didn't take long to locate my target. It was heavily dented, but otherwise intact. I picked it up and gave it a closer inspection, the barrel was made of aluminium with a breech loading slide, a 9kg gas bottle formed the water reservoir which connected to a scrapped radioisotope battery which would provide the heat to vaporise the water and fire the potato. All in all a decent design.
Carrying the cannon back into the camp, I was greeted by Luke, Thalos and the guard, lying comfortably around a small campfire. “Found your cannon, TK,” I announced. The guard leapt up and faced me, a stern look on his face. I raised an eyebrow in response, balling my right hand into a fist.
“Sweet, how bad's the damage?” asked Thalos excitedly.
“Superficial mostly, shouldn't impact function for the most part. In any case, care to introduce me to our new friend?” I said gesturing vaguely at the guard.
The guard, to his credit didn't immediately refute me, “Lieutenant Blue Skies, Equestrian Lunar Corps. And you are?”
“Alternivity Deft, the dude who put that neat dent in your helmet. Engineer, physicist and…”
Before I could say more Thalos started speaking again.
“I wonder if it will have the same effect here in Cartoonia or whatever this place is called. Do you think the potato physics are the same? Do you think the physics in general are the sa…”
Before I had an aneurysm, I shut Thalos up with a swift palm to the back of the head, “I was talking, Thalos,” I scolded, before addressing the guard once more, “I apologise for my friend, he's a moron. As I was saying, I'm a very highly qualified scientist, and I assume the idiot and Locke have made their own introductions?”
Blue Skies nodded, “They have indeed, though, Thalos,was it? When Thalos warned me not to anger you, he made you out to be some sort of tyrant, but I've seen nothing that would lead me to think that.”
I chuckled slightly, “You'll have to forgive Thalos, he has a love of hyperbole. Mind you, I can be rather cruel, should you make a concerted effort to piss me off.”
Blue Skies gave me a harsh look, “Are you threatening me?”
“Not at all. I was only explaining a part of my behavior.”
“I'll take your word for it, but first I want to know something.”
“By all means, ask your questions,” I replied.
“How exactly did you make that dent in my helmet?”
“To put simply, the bones in my right hand and forearm are made of titanium, you were running quite quickly, and I had some rather steady footing, after that the laws of physics just did their thing.”
Blue Skies gave me a confused look, “What is titanium?”
I sighed and started to explain the properties and uses of titanium.
