Oh my god! We're in Equestria
I stood up from being flat on my butt, and looked around to see that I was now standing in the middle of a field with 5 ponies lying down in a patch of flowers as the wind blew through my hair. I then noticed that I was much shorter than I was before I went through that portal. I also tried to stand on my legs, but I immediately fell onto to the ground. I looked down to my hands which were now just hooves like of a horse.Why would I have hooves of a horse unless I’m now a pony? What had Gerald’s spell done? I then walked over to the other 5 ponies who were all looking at their hooves in amazement. The other four ponies screamed, while one sounded if she was just mildly yelling. I walked over to the ponies, “Hi, I’m Jeremiah what’s your name?” I accepted being a pony a little too easy, but when I tried to shake their hooves they immediately stopped in their tracks. The quiet cyan blue coated, with a brunette mane, light green eyes, and a cutie mark of a chibi carrot, pegasus walked over to me.
“It’s me Susie” I then realized that it was us we were all now ponies.
I looked over to a peach coated, blonde maned, blue eyed, pegasus with a football for a cutie mark and suddenly jumped onto him, hugging him. “Chase! Oh my god so we’re all safe! I thought you died when you were pulled into the portal.”
He pushed me off of him slightly smiling being happy to see us and the fact that he didn’t die. “Yea I was sure that I would die. Also wait how did you know it was me?” I pointed my hoof at his ass, he furrowed his eyebrows and then looked down to see the football. He then looked back to me and did the oh that’s why face. “Also oh my god I have wings that’s awesome!” He immediately started to fly, but then instantly face planted onto the floor. “Ow! I guess I need to learn to fly.”
I just laughed at him, and then noticed two identical earth ponies walk over to me knowing immediately that they were Sarah and Sara. The only difference was their mane, Sarah’s was poofy and crazy, while Sara’s was straightened and lifeless. “Hey guys, so this pegasus is Susie and this pegasus is Chase and I’m Jerry.”
They both then rushed us and gave us a big group hug. Sarah then let out a sigh of relief, “Oh my gosh guys I thought you all died when the portal sucked you in.”
“Hey uhm, where’s Steven?” Sara had asked as a unicorn came out of the bush screaming his lungs out.
“Found him.” Sarah said as she hops over to him stopping him in his tracks.
The grey coated, black maned, unicorn wearing glasses, with an Iphone as a cutie mark then said. “Oh my god! Guys my phone it’s gone! It’s not here anymore!”
“Well you of all people should know that phones don’t exist in Equestria.” I said as I smirked knowing that he was finally forced to interact with people without his phone for once.
“Who says we’re in Equestria?” Steven said with skepticism in his voice.
“Well what other land/universe do you know that includes pastel colored unicorns, pegasi, and ponies that can talk?” He looked over to me and was instantly silenced, “Exactly so we must be in Equestria.”
“How am I supposed to live without my phone, no wifi, no fanfiction to read. I can’t even write my FlutterMac ship fic without my phone.” Now I knew why he was attached to that phone, as if it was a part of his soul or something of the sort.
“So now that we’re all together and safe, we need to find a way out of here.” I said while clopping my hooves together to get their attention.
“Awwwww but we just got here! Plus it’s soooo cool being a freaking pony.” Sarah said as she stopped hopping up and down.
“Okay, but we need to get back to our normal lives. We have family that we need to get back to.” I began to furrow my eyebrows.
“We also need to go back, since without my phone my dedicated followers will think I’m dead.” We all just rolled our eyes at Steven.
“Which reminds me, where is Mother Deborah and Gerald. I saw them go into the portal with us and they’re nowhere to be found.” The twins looked into each other’s eyes and then ran off into the bushes behind us.
“Well then, I guess they’re looking for her, why don’t you two checkout the bushes to our east. Jerry and I will go east to look for them.” Steven neighed and nudged Susie in the butt to follow him into the bushes. I felt Chase’s hoof swing over my neck pulling me closer to him while we walked into the bushes.
I pushed off of him and ran deeper into the bushes with Chase quickly catching up, until I ran straight into a tree. Chase helped me up with a sign staring at me saying Everfree forest Stay Out! “Uhm yea I don’t think they went in there”
Chase looked over to the sign and then looked back at me, “Yeah, no let’s go back because even if they went in there, they would be dead.
I felt a cold rush of air coming from the forest behind us as we walked away from it, chills ran throughout my whole body in fear of what lied within those woods.
Chase snapped me out of entangled thoughts of the forest, “Hey Jerry!”
“What?” I said as my eyes focused back peering deep into Chase’s eyes. I jumped back once I realized how close my face was to his.
“Uhm anyway as I was saying, to the east lies the Everfree forest. So I doubt they went that way.”
“Well they weren’t to the south either all we found was a -” Sarah said with worry trembling throughout her voice.
“-rock farm guarded by somepony named Limestone Pie.” Sara interrupted finishing Sarah’s sentence in a deadpan form of speaking.
“And to the west was a…” Susie began to mumble she then decided to turn to Steven, with frustration pulsing through her veins because we stared at her with complete confusion, and yanked his ear to her mouth.
“To the west was a rushing river almost impossible to cross.” He said while trying to pull Susie off his ear.
“So then she has to be to the north down this hill.” I walked over the slope of the hill noticing a small town with a large crystal castle protruding from the back of the town. “Guy’s I think that’s PonyVille.” I pointed towards the small town with my hoof as my friends gathered around me.
“Maybe they’re down there.” I looked over to Sara, who was pointing down to the small town, and rolled my eyes.
“Yea no shit sherlock.” Chase said while he started to run down the hill.
We all soon followed him down the hill until we were met with a white arched sign saying Welcome to PonyVille.
We lined up and all took one step into PonyVille, just as our hooves touched the ground we saw a pink blur dash towards us.
We were then met with a light pink coated, hot pink poofy maned, earth pony who had a giant glaring smile. The pony then opened her mouth and began to speak, “Hi I’m-
Suddenly the pink pony was bumrushed by Sarah as she screamed out, “PINKIE PIE!!!!!” They both rolled further into town until pink hooves grabbed the stone slabbed ground immediately halting them to a stop. Sarah then pushed off Pinkie and straightened herself out, “Oh uhm sorry, It’s just that I freaking love you!”
Pinkie furrowed her eyebrows, “It’s fine, but how did you already know my name? Since I don’t know you.” Pinkie said in her high pitched voice as usual.
Sarah face began to lose blood as it went pale, “Oh uhm we talked to your sister Limestone Pie.” Sara added as she hid her sister behind her.
“I guess that makes sense, now anyway what’s your guy’s name's.” Pinkie said as she ruffled her mane with Gummy barely holding onto her bangs.
“Well I’m Sara and that’s Sarah with an H.” Sara said while Sarah hyperventilated with a brown paper bag.
Steven walked up with Susie, “This is Susie and I’m Steven.” Pinkie went to go shake their hooves.
“I’m Chase.” He said while he smiled at Pinkie.
“And well I’m Jerry.” Pinkie hopped over to me and shook my hoof into hers.
“Well it’s glad to meet you guys, now since you six are new we need to take you on a tour of Equestria. But I think we should start with PonyVille first.”
We begin following her into town passing some cottages. “Oh Uhm Pinkie?”
She turns around and looks towards me, “Yes Jerry.”
“I just remembered that we need somewhere to live, so like something of the sort of these cottages.”
“Oh okay then I know somepony who would be perfect at making you guys a house.” We then literally jump-cut, and I’m not kidding you, to Sweet Apple Acres.
“Woah what the heck just happened.” We all say in unison with surprise filling our faces.
“We just used a technique that any film student would know how to use, uhh duh.” Pinkie said fully aware of what she did, not answering any questions.
We continued until we saw Big Mac, who was loading some apple crates onto a wagon. Now we only stopped because of Sarah, remember when I said she fell for well any male stereotype. “OH MY GOD! You are like… perfect.” Sarah said as she ran over to Big Mac, she then leaped onto his face while it filled with terror.
“Good going Sarah you just killed Big Mac.” I said while Chase just facehoofed and Steven lay his mouth to gape.
Sara then walked over to the crushed Big Mac and lifted Sarah off of him, “Sorry about that she does that every hot guy she sees.”
Big Mac blushes at the flattery and then looks over to Susie, which I noticed, as she cowers behind Steven letting out a slight blush. Sarah looked back towards Susie and gave her the ‘Don’t you dare look at my MAN!’ face, which made her cower further behind Steven breaking him out of his gaped trance.
Big Mac then let out his signature saying, “Eeyup” and then continued loading the apples.
“Uhm anyway, APPLEJACK!” Pinkie roared towards the house.
We then looked over to our east noticing an orange coated, blonde maned, earth pony running directly for us. She stopped next to Pinkie looking over to us with confusion. “Hay Pinkie, wut cha need? Also who are they?”
“Well that’s Sara, that’s Sarah, that’s Steven, that’s Susie, that’s Chase, and last but not least that’s Jerry.”
“Hay Y’all.” She said while waving over to us, we waved in return. “Uhm anyway wut cha call me for.”
“Oh yea that, well these newcomers need a home and I thought if you guys weren’t too busy you could make them one.” Pinkie said as Applejack looked over to Big Mac, who just shrugged.
“Well, I guess I could do that how about you Big Mac.” Applejack said while looking over to Big Mac.
We looked over to Big Mac, who then looked over to Susie he then blushed and said. “Eeyup”
“Great now get started right away.” Pinkie said as she began to turn around motioning us to follow her.
“Uhm okay, it’ll be done by tonight.” We nodded at her and then turned to Pinkie who was already crossing the bridge towards PonyVille.
We start walking towards the center of to- There is Lyra and BonBon sitting on the bench -wn, uhm what just happened. Anyway we were walking towards the center of to- That’s Vinyl and Octy’s house -wn, again what the hell is happening. We were walking towards to- There’s Doctor Whoove’s home, Hi Derpy Pinkie Pie how are you doing this! I have my ways now I will let you continue. Anyway we walked towards to- And that’s Carrot T- “SHUT UP PINKIE!!!”
Everyone then stares at me as Pinkie grins with pleasure. “We walked towards town hall, jesus let me finish my thought, OH MY GOD!”
“Oh uhm sorry about that guys, I was messing with him by interrupting his thoughts.” Pinkie said apologetically.
“How did y-”
“Don’t ask.” Steven was silenced. “Now anyway that’s Fluffle Puff’s house, but she’s irrelevant.”
“Okay now that my sanity is back, can we get some-
“Clothes? Silly Filly we don’t wear those.” She rudely interrupts me again.
“Okay but where we're from, we do.” I said rhetorically while glaring at Pinkie
“Oh let me guess. One day while you watching a tv show meant for little girls in a universe filled with humans, you’re brother *points at the twins* then uses a spell from a spellbook sucking you all into a alternate universe, which just happens to be that exact same as the show meant for little girls which is filled with pastel colored ponies.” We all look over to Pinkie with our eyes filled with amazement, how did she- “Let me answer that for you, Pinkie sense.”
Agggghhhh I’m going to stab you Pinkie! “Well uhm so yeah we need clothes, since it’s what we're used to.”
“Uhm okay then let’s go to Rarity’s boutique she has like all the clothes.” She hops over to her east yearning us to follow her.
“Does anyone else find it weird that she knows that?”
“I mean it’s Pinkie what else do you expect.” Sarah says, while she hops faster towards Rarity’s boutique.
“There has to be an explanation for her omnipotence if only I had my phone to look it up.” I looked over to Steven to roll my eyes.
“I bet she’s either secretly like… a god/alicorn… or maybe a changeling” Chase suggested.
“Well It would make some sense, especially with what she can do throughout the show.” I said while continuing to ponder within my head weary of Pinkie over hearing my thoughts.
“Or maybe you three are just overthinking it and that’s just how the writers write her.” Sara said pointing out the obvious.
“But if you didn’t notice, we aren’t watching the show we are literally in this world.” I said shooting down her deadpan obviousness.
“Oh shit, you’re right.” She said as her pupil dilated and her face shallowed.
Sara’s pupils then undilated when Pinkie knocked on Rarity’s door. “Rarity! Open up I have new customers for you.” Pinkie yelled into the boutique.
“The door is open come right in.” Rarity said while Pinkie flipped the door open.
We all followed Pinkie into the boutique which was bustling with activity. I looked over to see Photo Finish taking shots of some model pony, while Sapphire Shores practiced a routine with her backup dancers. I then saw Rarity seaming up a beautiful fire red sparkly dress for a customer who I figured was inside the dressing room.
She finished seaming up the dress and set it aside while she trotted over to us. Pinkie introduced us to her as my excitement for my favorite pony boiled throughout my veins, which were bulging out of my neck. “Oh hello darlings, now what exactly were you guys thinking of.”
“AAAAAGGGHHH! Photo Finish I need to take some pictures of Rarity and I!” I then latched my hoof around Rarity as Photo Finish whipped out her camera taking multiple shots of Rarity and I. “Thanks” I then motioned my head over to Chase who pulled out some bits to pay Photo Finish as he let out a sigh.
“Oh um anyway what do we all need guys.” I look over to my group as Sarah hops up in front of Rarity and I all ready to tell her requests.
“Ok so I want a two sparkly pink dresses, two sparkly purple dresses, two sparkly blue dresses, and two sparkly green dresses. Also I want a Gala dress, but I’ll come in personally and get that done.” I look over to Rarity who already has a notepad and quill to write down her order.
Sara then walks over to Rarity to tell her request. “I just want some band tank tops, but really no bright colors, and yea same with the Gala dress.” Kind of boring, but then again that’s what Sara is known for.
Steven trots over with Susie and Chase not to far behind. “I’ll just take a fedora and bowtie.”
“Are you sure you don’t want something else? I just don’t think fedoras are your thing” Rarity says questioning his fashion sense.
“Yes I’m sure that’s what I want okay.” Steven says as he folds his hooves together, which makes him faceplant.
“Oh uhm okay then their back there.” Rarity points to a section labeled hipster attire. Susie trots over to Rarity and then whispers into her ear. “Oh okay I have some of those behind the stage over there.” Susie thanks her and trots over to a section named summer blouses.
“Anyway I just want some solid colored tight fitting shirts and like a jersey type shirt.” Chase says while Rarity stares at him with confusion.
“The shirts are behind me, but what is a jersey?” Chase explains to her what a jersey is, “Oh okay well I will have to make that custom so just look at the shirts for now.” Chase walks over to the shirts and looks at them thinking over which one he should get. “So darling how about you? What do you want?”
I look into Rarity’s blue eyes and say, “I would like a midnight blue scarf, a red violet flannel, and a leather tote bag. Also for my Gala outfit I will just have to come in for that.”
Rarity levitated a cart towards her picking out the flannel and scarf that I wanted, she then levitates another cart and grabs a leather tote bag within her magical grasp. “Here I found your items.”
“Oh thanks.” I put on the flannel, scarf, and leather tote bag. I then see a cyan blue coated, red orange maned, pegasus come out of the dressing room looking over at the fire red dress. The pegasus then puts the dress inside a dress bag and trots over to us pulling out some bits from his messenger bag.
“Here Rarity, also thanks for fixing my dress I really wanted it ready for Nightmare Night.” He hands the bits over to Rarity.
“Oh darling it was a pleasure, and I can’t wait to see you in that dress next week.” Rarity waves over to the pegasus as he leaves the boutique.
“Who was that?” I ask with genuine confusion.
“Oh that was Jeri Bear, he moved here about 7 years ago.” I nod assuring her that I was listening, “Anyway I need to go help Sapphire Shores with her new outfit accompanying her for her play.” She trots over to the stage to talk with Sapphire.
“Hey Jerry come over here there’s something I need to show you.” I look over to Chase who is motioning me to come to the shirt section.
“Yea what’s up?” I say as I almost run into a shirt rack.
“How does this look on me?” I look over to him as he has a tight sleeveless black shirt on which compliments his fit build.
“It looks good on you. How does this flannel look on me?” He looks over to me and smiles.
“It looks cu- good on you.” Chase says as I see a slight blush which quickly disappears. “I also found this outfit that I want to show you, but let me change into it.”
I nod as he gallops into the dressing room holding a black and white blur over his neck. I look into the shirt rack until I hear him call for me. “Jerry come look.” I trot over to him seeing him walk out of the dressing room, I immediately laugh. “I’m a french maid, it’s for Nightmare Night.”
“It’s… cute I guess lol.” He blushes and then begins to take it off, “And yea it works perfectly for Nightmare Night.”
“So I should buy it?” He looks over to me expecting acceptance from me for him to buy it.
“Yea sure, I will just dress like your employer, or master whatever suits you.” I wink at him as he jumps up, but then he quickly lands back on the ground and then coughs.
“Sounds cool, I guess.” I roll my eyes and look for a ‘master’ outfit which consisted of a dressy shirt, black overcoat, spectacle, and flank high socks with black fancy shoes.
We walk over to the counter to purchase our items. “Guys you all ready” I yell signaling my friends to hurry their ass up. They all then grab their articles of clothing and head towards the counter to pay for their assortment of clothing.
We all put on our new clothes and head out the door finally leaving Rarity’s boutique. “So who else is hungry because I’m starving.” Sarah said while she held her stomach, while it growled.
“I mean yea I guess I can eat, what about you guys?” I look over to Susie and Chase who both nod in agreement while Steven stares at his bowtie.
“Well then, what place do you recommend then Pinkie?” Sarah asked while looking over to Pinkie.
“Well the only good food place in PonyVille, Sugarcube Corner uuh duh.” Pinkie says while rolling her eyes and quickly galloping over to the bakery. “Well hurry up slowpokes, I mean I guess if you’re not that hungry you can take your time then.” We all quickly chase after her as each one of our stomach's growls in unison from only eating cheetos so far today.qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnmbvcxzlksapoiuytrewqazwsxedrfvtgbyhnujmikolp Once we arrived at Sugarcube Corner we looked over to find a table that had six seats so we sat down. “So we have cupcakes, cakes, pies, truffles, brownies, fudge, an assortment of candy, and muffins. What would you like to eat? Also if you want to be “healthy” we have daisy sandwiches, tossed salad filled with dressing, and rock stew”
“Uhm I’ll take rock stew.” Sara said while she stared into oblivion.
“Let’s see I want two cupcakes with extra sprinkles and sugar!” Sarah said with way too much excitement.
“I’ll be unique and take a tossed salad filled with extra creamy dressing.” Steven said as he licked his lips with anticipation, I furrowed my eyebrows with his sudden pleasure of salad.
“I’ll take muffins! Two to be exact!” We all turned to see Susie as yelled across the table to get her order known.
“Let’s see… I will take a daisy sandwich.” I say contently.
“And I will have the same please.” I look over to Chase as those words leave his mouth.
Pinkie finishes writing our orders on her notebook and walks into the bakery to make our food. “You know we still haven’t found Mother Deborah in our tour of PonyVille.” I said making sure Pinkie didn’t overhear me.
“Yea I know we basically have been all throughout PonyVille and still no signs of her.” Steven said as he sat his hat onto the table.
“Well we haven’t checked out Fluttershy’s home or Twilight’s castle.” Susie chimed in.
“Okay but what if their not there? What if they're already dead or like being tortured by someone.” Sarah said with worry trembling throughout her voice.
“Wait their? Aren’t we only talking about Mother Deborah?” Chase said while his face contorted in confusion.
‘Uhm yea my brother hello he got sucked in the portal too.”
“And also how and who would torture your mom and brother I mean we’re in Equestria it’s not like there are a million psycho maniacs running around killing everyone.” I teasingly say to try and cheer up Sarah, but instead it makes it worse as her eyes shallow out. She grabs a brown paper bag and begins to hyperventilate to control her breathing, while everyone just glares at me for causing her to freak out. “Sorry”.
I see Pinkie walk out from the bakery with our food as she walks over to our table while whistling. “Here’s your food! Enjoy, now I’ll talk to you after you finish eating I need to finish some things in the back.” Whew saved by baked goods and “healthy” salads.
We all enjoyed our food while I avoided starting a conversation in fear of upsetting Sarah again. I scooted closer to Chase so that I could tell him an idea I had to make our new home more home like while Steven and Susie mildly conversated.
“Hey Chase.”
“Huh?”
“I have an idea that will make us feel more at home.”
“What is that idea?” He said while bits of daisy petals fly onto my face. “Oh sorry.” He grabbed a napkin and wiped his face. This surprised me since he never really did this back before we entered this new world, but I guess that’s what a new environment can do to you.
“Uhm anyway, I think we should get a pet to have around the house, you know to keep the home lively even when we’re not there.”
“That sounds like… a great idea. Of course where would we get a pet?”
“Uhh Fluttershy’s house duh she has like all the animals, even though there is a legitimate veterinarian. That always bothered me, like why have two animal experts in one small town. It means that the legitimate veterinarian also loses business, since Fluttershy is more popular with the ponies around here. Sorry that was just one of my #rantsoftheday.”
“Anyway… so should we go do that now then?” Chase said as he began to stand up from his seat.
“Uh yea let’s go then.” We stood up from our seats and began walking over to Fluttershy’s home forgetting all about the others.
“Where are you guys going?” We both look back to see everyone just staring at us with confusion.
“Oh uhm, we’re going to check out at Fluttershy’s house to see if Mother Deborah and Gerald were there.” They all nodded in agreement, so we started to walk to the far west of town to get to Flutter’s house.
“So do you think that Mother Deborah is alive or not?” I asked of Chase as we walked to the edge of town.
“I mean there is no way we can tell, since we haven’t seen them at least up until we entered the portal. Are you sure you saw Mother Deborah and Gerald go into the portal?”
“Yes I’m sure, since when Sara went in her brother was holding on to her. I saw this and grabbed his legs, but the portal was too strong. And just as it was about to close Mother Deborah was about to be sucked in.”
“Oh okay, well then that should mean that Gerald should at least be with us. I mean he went in the portal before you did yet we haven’t even seen him.”
“Yea, I know it’s weird, but I don’t think we should dwell on subject for all we know they could just be with Celestia.”
“Oh yea there’s that possibility too.”
“Anyway I think we should be quick with the acquiring of the pet, since we have wasted enough time just looking at clothes for peats sake.”
“I completely agree.”
We both walk over to Flutter’s door and knock onto it, but we hear a weird commotion coming from inside. After about five minutes it goes silent and then Fluttershy opens the door, “Sorry for the wait I was just making sure Discord went to do something else.” Flutters looked over to us and immediately jumped back. “Oh my, I thought you were Pinkie.”
“Oh uhm sorry I’m Jerry and this is Chase.” I say as she recuperates herself.
“Oh well nice to meet you, I’m Fluttershy and uhh please come in.” We trot inside to see an assortment of animals sitting at a bean shaped dinner table with tea glasses in front of them. “Please sit I was just about to have tea.” We both go to the empty seats between Angel and what looks like to be Fluttershy’s chair. As she pours some tea into our cups she asks us, “So what brings you out over here?”
“Oh well we were wondering if we could adopt a pet?”
Fluttershy lets out a sigh of relief, “Oh well that’s my speciality, now we have many pets that are adoptable.” She flies over to the big brown bear. “We have bears.” Flies over to multi-colored cats and dogs. “We have cats, dogs, and even catdogs.” Flies over to some birds. “We have love, toucan, parakeet, eagle, falcon, flamingo, goose, swan, and duck birds.” Flies over to some woodland critters. “We have bunnies, ferrets, squirrels, chipmunks, and devil worshiping beavers.” Chase and I furrow our eyebrows and give each other the ‘wtf ’face. She then flies over to some reptiles. “And finally, but not leastly, we have some turtles and snakes.”
Chase and I get up from the table and look over all the animals which are all equally fighting for our attention. Except for the devil worshiping beavers, which seem to be holding two plushy dolls within a pentagram as they chant some religious babble. Chase and I then walk over to the dogs, cats, and catdogs. Oh yea she wasn’t kidding these were like some human centipede shit with the catdogs, except for that they were ass to ass instead of ass to mouth. I look into the eyes of one black cat that has blue rings covering its body and soul-piercing red eyes. “Awe your so cute.” I try to levitate the cute little kitty, but instead it just falls onto the ground from about a foot high. “We’ll take that one.” I point my hoof at the cat I just dropped.
Chase looks over to the cat I just picked out and sees another on right next to that one. “Okay he will take the black cat, but I will take this pink cat with a peculiar gem in the middle of its face.”
“Sounds great now…” She walks over to pull out two boxes with breathing holes. “to hold your newfound friends, oh and yea just write the name of which you want to give them on these name tags.”
I levitate the box over to me and write the name Umber, I then attempt again to put Umber inside of the box of which I succeed. I then look over to Chase who is struggling on putting his cat into the box, I then lend a hoof, or more like a horn, and levitate the pink cat into the box. I then levitate both cats out of Flutter’s house as Chase and I wave goodbye to Fluttershy.
I look onto the name tag of the cat that Chase had picked to see Espy scrawled onto it. We both then trot back to Sugarcube Corner, where we see that everyone is still eating what looks like to be scones. “Hey guys we’re back.”
They all look at us as Sarah asks, “So did you find my mom and brother?”
“Oh uhm no they weren’t at Fluttershy’s house, but we did-”
“Also what’s in the box?”
“I was just about to say that, anyway we did get something well more like someone.” I put the boxes down on top of the table and open the latch withholding the two cats. “Meet Umber and Espy our new cats.”
Susie immediately jumps on top of the table and starts to snuggle with Umber. “THERE SOOOO CUTE!!!” Susie yells to the top of her lungs.
Sarah grabs Espy and puts her on top of her mane; Espy curls up into a ball and begins to sleep on Sarah’s head. Just as Sara’s hoof touches Espy’s head making her purr. “There I’m participating within the fun.”
Steven finishes eating his scone and then says, “So how do we take care of them?”
He looks over to me and puts his hoof under his head in a resting position. “Uhm I don’t know, but we will find a way.”
Steven just rolls his eyes which then fill with a rainbow streak going across the top of his pupil. Suddenly Espy falls off of Sarah’s head and the entire table begins to shake as a large gust of wind hits us directly in the face. We look over to our left just as a giant rainbow mushroom cloud destroys a broken down cottage. We all then instantly jump up and gallop to the newly formed crater where we see only dirt, wood, and broken bits of metal. Then out of nowhere a cyan coated, rainbow maned pegasus flies out of the crater nearly hitting Susie’s and my face. The cyan mare then sits at the table where we were sitting and begins to pet Umber. We gallop over to the table, but don’t get too close to the cyan mare in fear of being rain boomed in the face.
The cyan mare turns to us revealing her rose colored eyes, “Oh it’s you Rainbow Dash, I should've guessed by well all the rainbows.”
“And I should’ve guessed since you’re like the coolest pony in all of Equestria.” Chase says with absolute glee of meeting his favorite pony.
“Thanks you guys.” Pinkie walks out of the bakery and offers a muffin to Rainbow Dash, she then introduces us to Rainbow Dash as she nods in agreement of learning our names. “I knew I didn’t know your guys’ name.”
“Oh my it’s late guys it’s already like 3:45pm I think we should wrap up our tour of PonyVille with well Twilight’s castle.” Pinkie points out the towering crystal castle over in the distance just before the edge of town. She then begins to trot over to the castle motioning us to follow her.
We all trot behind her over to Twilight’s castle as Steven fills with excitement, in which we can tell by the tempo of his hoofsteps. “Now we can meet my favorite princess, also she has tons of books there has to be some that can explain how and why we are here.” Steven says as we enter the immense castle doors. I see a ton of ponies walking around the main corridor as this part of the castle seems to be public, also since it’s now the only library in PonyVille. Steven immediately runs around the entire corridor scaring everybody that was quietly reading. Up until somepony decided that his neighs were just a little too much so they personally went over to him to shush him.
“Can you please be quiet we are trying to read.” A lavender coated, royal purple maned, alicorn said.
I walked over to Twilight and put my hoof over her shoulder. “I would put a shield bubble around him to keep him quiet.”
“There is no need fo-”
“OH MY CELESTIA!!! IT’S TWILIGHT YOU ARE LIKE MY GODDESS!!!” Steven then ran over to Twilight tackling her down to the ground and then jumping on and off of her stomach.
“I told you to put him into a shield bubble, but you don’t listen to me.” Twilight then levitated Steven off with her magical grasp and flung him into the wall.
“Okay yea maybe I should've listened, but there is no way for you to predict that he would do that.” Twilight struggled to say while coughing.
“If you knew him like we did, well you would be able to expect it from a mile away.” Sarah said from behind me as she walked over to us.
“So why did you guys come to the castle?” Twilight asked now finally catching her breath.
“Oh well I was just taking them on a tour of PonyVille and well the last stop was here your castle Twilight.” Pinkie said as she hopped over to Twilight.
Pinkie then introduced us to Twilight, “Well it’s glad to meet you ponies I’m- oh well you already seem to know me somehow.”
‘Lets not worry about that for now. So anyway we are here to read about portals and how they work.” I said as I brushed off our explanation of being here.
“Oh well yea here follow me I will show you my personal stash of those kind of books exactly.” Twilight then turned around and headed towards the back of the library motioning us to follow her. Once we reach the back of the library Twilight uses a spell which opens a hidden room filled with books. We all follow her inside this hidden room and just as our hooves enter the room the door closes behind us. “Anyway roam free and look for what you need. In the meantime I need to speak with you Pinkie, but meet me out of this room.”
Twilight and Pinkie then walked out of the room as we searched throughout the secret stash of books. I almost forgot though that we brought Umber and Espy along as they both helped us search for the book we needed. I looked over to Umber who drew one of those pentagrams from earlier and then suddenly two dark hands grew out of Umber as he flipped through some books. I then looked over to Espy, in which her gem was starting to glow as she levitated the books within her psychic grasp. I just shuddered and levitated a couple books books over to a table that I was sitting at. One of the books was labeled A Day with Twilight by R.S. Best, I flipped through the book and wondered why would Twilight have this kind of story. Unless she actually like Rainbow Dash, which I could easily see become truth, if she is truly a fillyfooler. I decided to put the book into my bag and read it for later. As we searched throughout her personal section of the library, we could not find what we needed. We only found a portal that would lead to the human similar to ours, but it was filled with the human counterpart of the ponies of Equestria. After searching for at least two hours we couldn’t find anything useful on the subject and with the sun beginning to set we started to get hungry. We found a button on the inside of the room which opened the door, after we all stepped out the enormous doors closed behind us.
“I can’t believe that we didn’t find anything useful.” I sigh.
“Well I found a ton of things that are useful, maybe not to our situation but useful overall.” I look over to Steven who filled his tote bags with books of many kinds. “What these might be useful to problems we face in the future.” I just roll my eyes.
We all trot over to where Twilight, Pinkie, and Spike are and check out all the books that Steven acquired. We then leave the castle and decide on a place to eat. “So where should we go eat?” I ask.
“Well we already ate at Sugarcube Corner so I don’t think we should eat there.” I hear Steven say just as he exits the castle.
“Then where else can we go?” Sarah asks in return.
“Isn’t there that one place called the… what’s it called.” I say.
“I think it’s called the Hay Burger.” said Chase.
“Well then let’s go there to eat then.” I say.
“Sounds great let’s go right now.” said Sarah.
We then all trot over to the Hay Burger in which we arrive at around 6:30pm and ask for a table of six. We go to sit down and look down at our menus. “So this place is known for making Hay Burgers, which are?” said Sarah waving a hoof in the air.
“Well guessing by the name they’re probably made of hay, you know the things horses eat.” Sara rhetorically says.
“But how does that even taste?” asks Sarah.
“We’ll just have to wait and see won't we.” I say as I look over to my left noticing Jeri Bear sitting with an orange red coated, electric blue maned, pegasus and a dark as the night coated, midnight blue with royal purple maned, unicorn. Of whom I did not know, I scoot closer to Chase, “Hey you see those three ponies over there?”
He looks up from his menu and looks around the diner. “Which three ponies?” Asks Chase looking around the entire restaurant.
“The cyan pegasus with an orange red mane and the two others sitting next to him.” I point my hoof at Jeri Bear.
“Uhm yea, what about them?” Chase asks as he looks over to me.
“Oh nothing really I just saw him at Rarity’s boutique right after you went to go look at the shirts.” I say with slight paranoia trembling through my voice.
“Yea and?”
“Oh nothing just letting you know.”
“Oh okay.”
I then see the waiter walk over to our table, but notice that the waiter’s hat is barely holding in the poofy pink hair. “Welcome to the Hay Burger, home of the hay burger. What would you like to order?”
I look up to see that Pinkie is our waiter for the day. “I thought you were just at Twilight’s castle, how are you here right now?”
“Well I have to make bits somehow that bakery isn’t the only main source of my income now what would you like to order?”
“Well I guess I will get really the only thing on the menu, so six hay burger combos.” I sarcastically say.
“WAIT!!!” Sarah screamed. “Okay sorry, but I also want a chocolate shake.”
“Okay so six hay burger combos and a chocolate shake.” Pinkie said as she blew out a bubble from the gum she was chewing. She then trotted over to the next table and took their order.
“Where did she even get that gum?” I say with a confused look as Sarah blows out a bubble from the gum she is now chewing. “And where did you get your gum?”
“I don’t know it just appeared when you asked about Pinkie’s gum” said Sarah.
“Okay that’s not weird at all” I sarcastically say.
“There are plenty of things in this world that remain unknown and possibly will never be known.” I look over to Steven as he reads this from a book.
“You are already reading a book I mean we haven’t even went home yet.” I say as I feel Umber crawl onto my lap.
“Well what else do you expect from him that’s literally all he does when he is on his phone.” Sarah says.
Pinkie then returns with our food and places it front of us to eat. We all look at it with straight up confusion since it’s like a normal hamburger except for hay instead of meat. I break the confusion when I decide to levitate the hay burger up to my mouth and take a bite. “Mhm not that bad.” I say as everyone skeptically takes a bite and agrees.
We then eat our food in mostly quietness other than some slight talking between Susie and Steven. After we finish our food we pay Pinkie and then leave her a tip and head out. “Man I’m so full now” Sarah says as she clutches her stomach.
“Yea same.” Chase and I both say at the same time.
“We should check if our new home is ready for us to finally rest in a bed.” I hear from Sara who hasn’t really talked that much ever since we entered the portal.
“It should be done by now anyways.” said Steven.
We all then walk from the Hay Burger and head towards where our home was being built, which was on the outskirts of the town. As we trot over to our home we notice that it’s super quiet and there are no other ponies outside. “Where is everyone?” asks Susie.
“I don’t know I mean it’s not that late.” I say.
“Well maybe they went inside early today for some reason.” said Sara.
When we reach our home we notice that it looks basically complete until we notice a note attached to our front door. I walk over to the note and begin to read it, “Your home is just nearly ready except for a few crucial details. Now I need you to come to Twilight’s castle she has some important news to tell you. I can not explain what she has to tell you within this note you will just have to come and see. ~Pinkie Pie.”
“Yay now we have to go all the way back to the castle” Sara sarcastically said.
“Yes we get to go see Twilight again! This is going to be awesome!” Steven exclaimed.
We then gallop over to Twilight’s castle since the note said it was important and we needed to be there. Once we reach the castle we notice that it’s completely quiet and lifeless except for a faint noise coming from inside, which must be Twilight. As we walk in we notice that it’s pitch black inside with the only light coming from the outside.
“SURPRISE!!!” suddenly the lights flash on as Pinkie pie yells in our ears while she fires party cannons throughout the entire castle. I look around to see everypony in PonyVille staring at us, I then see a banner that says, “Welcoming Party.”
Then just as suddenly the lights dim and this corridor of the castle becomes a nightclub as Vinyl is then flipped out of the a portion of the wall. Tables then literally pop out of nowhere and so does a bar where Donut Joe is bartending. Doesn’t he work in Canterlot though, but then again I’m guessing Pinkie threw this together so who wouldn’t be here. I feel my ears twitch as suddenly I hear Octavia playing with Vinyl creating a sort of mix of the two genres of music. I notice that we all then went our separate ways within the castle. Susie immediately went to the bar, where she saw Bic Mac ordering some form of a drink with Sarah quickly following behind. Steven trots over to the dance floor and looks as if he was having a seizure, while he danced with Twilight. Sara walks over to a boy hollering under a cloud of marijuana as she clearly doesn’t listen to this kind of music. Chase then walks over to a boy who is throwing up, since he can’t handle what’s inside his cup. I then walk over to a mini refrigerator, as some girl talks about her haters even though she got none.
I grab an appletini from the fridge and then just drink it as I look around to see who is here. I notice that literally everyone is here, which is usual for parties that Pinkie throws, even a certain somepony with red orange hair. I look over to Chase who is conversing with a peculiar looking pony, since her exact clone is on the other side of the room with Carrot Top. I trot over to him, and then use my magical grasp to pull him away from this mare; as his wing boner is showing. I pull him all the way up until we are about to reach the table where Jeri bear and his other two friends are sitting. I then point Chase into the direction of the table, just as I notice Applejack leaving the party heading directly for the throne bedroom. I walk over to the table with Chase nearly running directly into it.
“Oh, uhm hey may we join you?” I say as he nods in approval while his friend disapproves. “Anyway I’m Jerry and this is Chase.” I hold out my hoof to shake his, but then remember that no one does that here since they don’t have hands so I immediately put it down.
“Hello Jerry. Hello Chase. I’m Jeri Bear this is Flare Burn and my coltfriend Diamond Fruit.” He says while pointing over to the orange red coated, electric blue maned, pegasus and the dark as the night coated, midnight blue with royal purple maned, unicorn.
“So yea I just came over to introduce myself, since I’m new and all, oh and yea he’s my coltfriend too, I’m not single whaaat are you talking about.” He furrows his eyebrows and looks at me with the ‘uhm okay cool I guess’ face.
“Hmm now I know where I know you from. When I was picking up my Nightmare Night costume, you were speaking with Rarity just as I left.” He said.
We just sit there in complete silence and as the awkwardness keeps building, I look over to the corner of my right eye and notice Rarity walking into the throne room, while Spike comes out. “I also saw you at the Hay Burger.”
He looks at me with a confused look then he suddenly changes looks as he remembers, “Oh yea you were sitting with four other ponies besides yourself.” I nod acknowledging him that it's the truth.
Chase then moves closer to my ear and whispers, “Your chat seems to be going great now we need to go to the throne room where Twilight is waiting for us.” I nod at him.
“Uhm, so something has arose and I am needed in Twilight’s throne room so it was nice meeting you.” I say while smiling.
Chase and I walk away from the table as I hear him say, “Nice meeting you too.”
We trot over to the throne room doors where everypony else is waiting for us, “Took you two long enough.” said Sara sarcastically.
“Sorry we were just talking to Jerry’s new man crush.” I glare over to Chase.
“I do not have a crush on him he just looks interesting okay. Now can we go see what Twilight needs from us.” I say as I begin to push the door open.
As I walk in I see the main six standing near the table map with Spike jogging over to them. Suddenly two alicorns walk in from a door behind the table map with two other figures following them. One alicorn was pastel pink, purple, blue and green maned, white coated, and had a cutie mark of the sun. The other alicorn had the colors of the night as her coat and mane. The two figures that followed the two alicorns were a small fluffy creature and a unicorn. The little fluffy creature had two large fangs protruding from it’s mouth while he was wearing a dino onesie costume and wielding a boomerang attached to the back of his costume. The unicorn had a brownish yellow coat, brunette with yellow highlights as a mane, and a literal heart of gold with honey crystal adornment surrounding it.
“Hello Jerry, Chase, Steven, Susie, Sara, and Sarah. I am Princess Celestia and this is my sister Princess Luna, but I’m guessing you already knew that. I have called you twelve here to discuss what has happened to you poor poor humans.” The main six gasp except for Pinkie who jumps up with glee and proclaims ‘I knew it!’ “I know all of this because of this cute little fluff ball and his mother this unicorn. But of course you know them as Gerald and Mother Deborah.”
We all gasp as both Sara/h’s jump up with glee as they begin to tear up from finally seeing their mother. We all then gallop over to Mother Deborah crushing her under our dog pile of warmth and body.
After we recuperate Celestia continues, “Anyway, I want you six to lay low and try not to make too many close connections with the ponies of Equestria. Knowing that Luna and I will spend every available time we have to find you a portal out of this world so that you can return to yours. Now Twilight, I want you and your friends to continue to spread throughout Equestria, but you need to make sure that no other pony find out their secret. We can not have our enemies knowing about other worlds that they may be able to conquer. Also Jerry you need to make sure that you don’t get too close to any pony and that goes the same with the other five of you too. I have also heard from my spies that a certain threat has returned to try and defeat me once again, Chrysalis and her changelings are lurking through the shadows of PonyVille, they feed of the friendship/love you have for somepony else so be careful. With their higher prominence you need to make sure that one: you can defend yourself and two: stay out of danger and try not to go somewhere alone. Now Luna and I have an important parade that we must attend tomorrow so we will be leaving you for now. As for you guys I recommend that you all head home and rest up for tomorrow we have no idea what lurks with the upcoming day. Anyway goodbye guys see you tomorrow.” Celestia and Luna then walk towards the door they entered from and leave the throne room.
Twilight looks over to all of us, “Okay Pinkie I want you to go shut down the party, with the new information that Celestia has given us we all may be in trouble.”
“But it’s only midnight…” complained Pinkie.
“Yes I know we usually don’t stop until we pass out, but we don’t know what tomorrow may hold for us so we must head to sleep.” Pinkie reluctantly walks outside the throne room to shut down the party. “Once it quiets down out there I want you all to leave towards home. Except for you Mother Deborah and Gerald you guys can sleep in my guest room, which is usually for my sister-in-law and brother, since their home can only fit them for now.” The noise from outside goes silent and Pinkie peaks in and says that everypony is gone. “Go now before it’s too late, oh my celestia I sound like an old wise wizard at the beginning of an rpg game. Anyway bye guys see you tomorrow.” Twilight says as she yawns and as we walk out of the throne room towards the entrance of the castle.
We walk back home in complete silence being shaken by the news we were given by Celestia, who is like the god of this world. As we enter into our cottage I notice the smell of the forest hit us in face making me feel as if I was camping. We look at the three bedrooms which are just three queen sized beds, two drawers next to the bed with a lamp on each drawer, a vanity with a small desk underneath and a closet to be filled with clothes. Susie and Steven choose the room to the far left, while the twins pick the middle room. Which leaves Chase and I having to take the room at the end of the hall next to the bathroom. We all take showers and head into our rooms, we set our clothes into the closet.
When Chase and I begin to move the blanket covers he asks, “So what does coltfriend mean?”
“It means boyfriend in our language.” I say as I look up to see him blush, but then he immediately wiped it away.
“Oh okay.” We both then cover ourselves within the blankets and shut off the lights. “So uhh… when you told that to Jeri Bear, did you actually mean that?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean like… am I… do you count me as your coltfriend?”
“Well no I di… I never really thought about you like that since you’re straight anyway.”
“Oh yea… and yea I’m still straight… I just… enh I don’t know, just forget that I said anything.”
“No what is it? There is something bothering you.”
“No, no it’s nothing just go to sleep.” He then scooted farther away from.
“Uhm okay then goodnight.”
“Goodnight.”
What could be bothering Chase? I mean ever since we came here he has been acting strange. He is overall generally becoming a better person, but why? Also he is acting more strange around me giving me some special treatment for some reason. Like when we were in Rarity’s boutique normally he wouldn’t buy a french maid’s outfit for any reason, but now he wants to do a couple type costume. Or maybe now that there really isn’t anyone around anymore that can judge him since he is technically a new per… pony and only his closest friends are here. I mean I always suspected that he was slightly gay, but I expected that of the majority of sports players especially wrestlers. Maybe it’s nothing like he said, I think I should just let it to rest and find out myself as our time here continues. I let my brain rest and stop thinking about the day and how it has gone.
Just as I truly fall asleep I feel a warm body mass move closer to me, as two hooves wrap around my chest and my body spoons into the other warm body mass which fully puts me to sleep.
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Well, you have certainly improved in you character development that is for sure. But your story is unfortunately showing some of the worst symptom of a bad HiE, where the main characters are welcomed with open arms, their story automatically accepted by the locals and everything is served to them on a silver plater all the while they don't have to lift a finger to get what they want. The problem with those kind of stories is that, where everything is served up to the characters their is no challenge for them to overcome and they don't need to adapt to their new environment, and all secondary as well as tertiary have all their existence revolving around then and don't have personalties of their own.
One of the flatten example of this is seeing Apple Jack and Big Mac just accented the story of some strangers that they don't know anything about just put every thing down that they where originally supposed and go built a house fully furnish for them with out any compensation. That is something that simply would never happened in realty, I known this is a magical land that is which isn't real, but their has to be a bases of realty somewhere. I strongly doth that you and your family would ever shelter a group of homeless people that you don't know and take care of their basic needs. The easiest way for the apple to help them, event do they would be them uneasy to take care of so many people atones, would be to offer shelter shelter for them for a night or two in exchange for some help around the farm until they can get job of their own.
Also I am surprised that every one seem to accept their situation so easily with out providing any proof to them especially to the the princess, who at the very least would try to make a background or magical scan check to make sure that what they are telling is true
I think the Idea that the main character being gay is interesting, and having one of his friend having a sudden change in his preference in also, I think this could be worth exploring more in dept. Also the characters seem to accept their situation way too easily; they are lost in a world that they don't know other then the show and their bodies have been violated to their very core and their is no sure way that they will ever go home or to return to their original form.
Sorry for blasting your story like that, the problems with the it where just too glaring for me to just ignore like that. I hope it will get better here on out.
6608436 Okay I read over your short story of a comment and yea I totally agree with my glaring problems and yea I might change up some things as I go along. And yea I did want them to have more problems, but at the same time in the real show or movie characters are accepted pretty quickly. Like for example when Twilight and the Dazzlings both come to Canterlot high and they are pretty much accepted almost immediately. Also even after Sunset Shimmer nearly tried to kill the main six, Twilight accepts her Oh my Celestia I'm so sorry, I didn't know what I was doing I don't understand friendship oh no help me. But anyway I agree with you about my problems and I will, to my best ability, fix some glaring problems and I love the constructive criticism that you give me. With your comments it helps me write these stories just a little bit better.
6608436 And with it also being through one character's eyes and thoughts not everything will be clear especially background things. As in the Celestia checking if these characters are lying or not, there is no way for the main character to know that unless he was there when it happened. And not everything was on a silver platter only their living quarters, which I will add some labor so that it doesn't seem for free. Also the main character is comfortable with his new body well I have no explanation for that, but he doesn't know about how the other's feel unless they told him exactly how they felt. And of course I will delve deeper into the other's and their though process and how they feel about their whole new environment. Basically with the chapters that will follow this chapter will try to improve upon each other and get better overall.
6608612 well if it could help, maybe they where actually expected to come to Equestrial, for some unknown reason and the house is just a way to butter them up for something. they might be in a gilded cage of some sort. I could even imagine that this is not the real Equestria and that the characters are under some glamor that prevent them from seeing what is actually in front of them. They might be stupid teenagers but at some point they might start asking questions. As for work, the princess might arrange some job that are normally made to help well-fair ponies to go back to the work force. The house expenses might reimburses by the crown.
Hope this help
6608593
Well for Twilight, I would say that it is gross incompetence, plus you would expect principle Celestia to know every students name by heart. For the Dazzlings they where apparently transfer students and probably when troughs the normal paperwork to get their or their slave foster parents to to it for them. For Sunset, yes it is a little harder to explain that she could stay in Canterlot hight, but remember that that world doesn't have magic and that no one would probable believe that a teenager wheeled magic powers that she got from a gala price piece and that be sheer dumb luck no one actually took a photo of the event seeing that they were all mind-controls zombies at the time. And would you refuse the order of a magic wheeling pony princess from an other world that the enemy that had just tried to kill her(?) to help be reformed? Plus principal Celestia can't expel her if she doesn't doe anything that is actually bad enough to expel her without bringing scrutiny on to her.
Well the point is that you can find mundane reasons for why they were accepted as «normal students» and not as extraterrestrial celebrities like your characters were
6608663 I have taken your comments into consideration and I need to improve the reasoning of why they are there also give them labor to do so that they don't seem like extraterrestrial celebrities. And I will use your comments to help shape my story a little better and keep it away bad HiE stories.
6610759 thank you for taking my comments so well
, I was relieved to see that I am not discouraging you from continuing practicing writing on this for the learning experience
. Your story might still be not good even after a few chapter, but it will certainly help you how to go about writing and give you a good bases for your next story that you will come up with. Just remember to try and stick with it as best you can so that you can do better the next time.
Still I am looking forward to the next chapter
6610759 it's not that it's bad that they become famous for arriving in Equestria, depending on how you want to go about it, it is just that the characters of that world have other things do other to do with their lives then catering for their every needs of some foreigners. these humans might have seen the show but they don't necessarily know ponies live in that world, and the fantasies that they have in their heads about it that might not correspond to realty. Laws in Equestria might be very different from America, like what are the rules about using magic. You might also think about hygiene rules would probably be different, think about how often they use their mouths to manipulate objects and how they go about exchanging objects to one an other. What about body language signals, remember that horses have different signals then we humans to say what we mean. I have traveled to Japan ones, touching an other person can be seen as being very rude, but their are public baths that I whant to and nudity between people of the same sex is normal in those settings. Wen I want to Belgium it is normal to do a quick peck on each the cheek between friends.
I hope this help a little
I could imagine that Apple Jack gave them a bit pouch to g
6610841 Really the only ponies who helped out my main characters were the main six while every other background pony continued on with their day after seeing my main characters to learn their name and that's about it. Pinkie Pie shows them around town in the same sense that she does with Cranky Doodle and just wants to have more friends as her ultimate goal. With Applejack, she is the only one to drop what she is doing in order to help my main six of characters. While Rarity does what any good shopkeeper should do and attend to your customers and point them in a direction of where they would find an item to purchase. Also Rarity was still doing her job since she came to talk to us after she finished seeming up the dress for another customer of hers. With Photo Finish she only came over because 1: she is spontaneous when it comes to taking pictures and 2: we gave her compensation with the paying of bits. And after Rarity was finished with helping the main characters of my story she immediately went back to the work she was doing. Really Rarity was just being a good shop keeper and treating her customers fairly giving them all the same amount of time. And during the tour of PonyVille Pinkie pie is somehow still being a waitress at the Hay Burger while the Cakes manage SugarCube Corner. Also Rainbow Dash just comes to say hi to my main characters after she destroyed some broken down cottage, but we do no distract her from her work if anything she distracts them from eating. When they go to Twilight's castle/public library they notice that the library is still open and people are reading while Twilight let's them look for the book they need. She immediately goes back tot whatever she was doing after the main characters are settled at looking at the books. With the same example from before about the Hay Burger, Pinkie is a waitress even while she is taking these ponies on a tour so she is still doing her duties while making new friends. And with an example from the show when the map calls them to go to a job they must drop everything their doing in order to fix a friendship problem for ponies/griffons they might not even know. And with the party at the end that's just something Pinkie always does for new comers it's something she most likely did for when any new pony/donkey/griffon moved to PonyVille. And don't tell me Pinkie's parties don't rack in an attendance most people know that her parties are awesome. Anyway before I ramble on, in conclusion only the Apple family and Fluttershy give up their time and resources for free while everyone else s either being paid or wants to make new friends in Pinkie's case.
Yes, I might have exaggerated in my comments. The fact that Pinky actually cut the time for them to visit the town might as scoured my perception of time in the story also. It is just that a large part of the chapter seem to focus on providing all that they would need to be comfortable to stay in Ponyville like the house, the clothes, the books, the animals, the food and the party they didn’t seem to be very concerned about going home at all. I would think that they would even think about getting all the stuff they got that whey wouldn’t be able to use ones they back home and they didn’t seem to be very concern about what happened to their other companions, not even mentioned it to anypony that they were looking for them while they were getting all of that stuff and, aside maybe from Pinky, they didn’t go ask for help from no pony. It is only at the end of the chapter that we learn that the princesses were already informed about their arrival by the characters that were absent from the group and without even asking for it directly the princesses say that they will help them to go home if they can. There is also the issue about how the hole group manage to pay theirs purchases in bits that they don’t have and it is not mentioned how they got it either. As for the mane six, I think that their presence seemed a little forced and they didn’t really needed to be presented all in the same chapter for the sake of the story.
6611835 Yea, but I was trying to get everything out of the way so that I don't have to in later chapters. Also yea the bits don't have an explanation, my guess is that the money they currently had on them when they went to the twin's home. Also yea I don't show as much concern for the mom and Gerald, since there is some suspicion that Jerry may be lying for some reason. But with them getting their essentials over with they don't have to worry about it later when the stakes may raise. And to be honest I need some help since I'm split what to even base the "adventure" part on since so far it's really just slice of life. Also I need to write chapter two, but I don't know what the goal of the chapter should be about, since useless chapters are well useless. I will put what you said in your comments like a further reason why their there, and give more reasoning to applejack building the house for them.