“Alright, I’m almost brain dead.” I said when Star paused. “I don’t think I can take anymore Equestria knowledge. I’m on my know-ledge.” I joked. She didn’t laugh. “Know-ledge and knowledge are spelled the same… my jokes aren’t that funny.” I explained. She giggled, and I rolled my eyes. She’s gonna pick on me with that… isn’t she?
I looked out the window of the train. Since leaving the naming ceremony, Night and Star boarded the next train for ponyville, Star talking the whole time. If you weren’t me, it would get annoying. But I’m me, so it wasn’t.
“Alright. My throat is getting sore anyway.” She said back, rubbing her throat. Was there… some kind of “cool down” for talking? Because this is a talking game, so it makes sense.
“Would you say you’re… a little horse?” I said, in the cheesiest voice I could muster.
“It’s so obvious I can’t believe I didn’t see it first!” She said between laughs.
“How about I talk for a bit.” I suggested. Star nodded, still rubbing her throat. “Have you ever heard of Back To The Future?” I asked, surprised that the game didn’t censor me. Star began to nod vigorously.
“So, you like it?” She grinned so big, I thought her face would crack. Then, she nose-booped me when she leaned in, this time nodding harder than before.
That was mostly how the conversation progressed, with the occasional comment from Star. It went on until I realized I had been drifting off. I walked over to the (real world) window, it was night. It was also night in the game, who'd of thought?
I yawned, and my character on screen did the same. Gotta love that facial recognition… thing… is it really facial recognition if it’s not recognising you, and more reading you?
“I think I’m gonna get to bed.” I yawned. Star caught my yawn.
“Sure… thing…” She fell on Night’s shoulder. Night Light closed his eyes, and began to snore. Then, I fell face first on the card table that the pony pad sat on. Said pony pad then shut itself off.
This...is a bit of...
This needs work. While posting your stories takes bravery and I do think you have done a good thing by putting yourself out there, I heartily recommend taking the first 100,000 words you write and setting fire to them. They will be terrible.
-Chessie
6555477
will keep that in mind the next time I post.
And thank you for not being negative! Even neutral criticism is better than negative criticism.
6555991 Honestly, don't worry about the early efforts. My story...ugh, those early segments were hideously bad. The entire first half was re-written completely to get it worth putting online.
-Chessie
6556126
I wrote some bad stories before doing good ones. Then I wrote a novel and threw away most of the first act.
6555991 To tack on to this, sometimes the first 100k should be burned...but the ideas kept.
I can't read this story. Bland. Very bland. However, since this was written over a year ago, I'll read one of your newer stories.