(Not My) Home Sweet Home

by naturalbornderpy

Chapter 1: In Which Discord Convinces Twilight To Leave The Apartment For Once

A bit of dust fell from the ceiling and entered Twilight’s vision, causing her to take her eyes off the TV for the first time in an hour. The channel had been switched when Discord crossed the room and stepped on it by accident, flipping the TV to an infomercial about some tomato slicing gadget that could be hers for only three easy payments of $19.99.

Standing beside the couch, Discord had asked her something and she’d missed it completely.

“What was that?” she asked, quickly blinking her eyes.

Discord held a sharp claw towards the ceiling. “Those blasted neighbors of ours! TV always blaring; weird little human baby always crying; both of them thumping against the floorboards like their feet were made out of cinderblocks.”

Twilight sighed and slid further into their couch. “Well, we get what we pay for. And considering we don’t pay all that much already....”

Crossing his arms over his chest, Discord shot smoke out from his nostrils. “That’s still no excuse. I’m going up there. I’ve had it up to here with them!” He stretched out one arm until it hit the fridge in the nearby kitchen.

Twilight rubbed at her eyes. “Please don’t do that again. The landpony—lady—is pretty annoyed with you already. It’s also her job to deal with tenants. Just talk to her and have her deal with—”

Snap!

“—it.”

In a flash of light, Discord had already snapped himself from the room.

Twilight looked up the moment he heard a series of screams coming from the floor above—one clearly a woman’s and one a man’s. A moment later, she heard Discord’s distinct voice as he tried to calm them down. Then he suddenly stopped. And that’s when he started yelling.

“Put that down! Right now! Ow! Knock that off! You know what I could do to you if I wanted to? I’m the Spirit of Chaos, for Celestia’s sake! So I’d be very careful if—ow! What did I just say?”

Snap!

Discord reappeared in the middle of their living room, rubbing at the side of his head with a paw while grumbling under his breath.

“How’d it go?” Twilight asked.

Discord frowned. “They hit me with a broom. Hard. What’s their deal, even? That’s only the third time I’ve surprised them like that; also the first time I haven’t interrupted one of their little family gatherings.” He feigned some mock sadness. “Is it my fault I also happen to enjoy a good cheese spread every once in awhile? They could always do the nice thing and invite us over.”

“I really wish you hadn’t done that.”

Discord smiled, flicking away a bit of non-existent dust from his shoulder. “Well, I did. And you know what? I’m glad I did. Hear their TV anymore? Nope! All taken care of!” He happily rubbed his hands together. “Isn’t that what good husbands are supposed to do? Fix stuff?”

With a weary chuckle, Twilight laid her head on one of the couch’s armrests and peered up at him. “The only problem, Discord, is that we’re not married—better yet, can’t get married. That bill for pony to pony marriage passed pretty quick, but the one you started for pony and draconequus seems to be stuck on hold.”

As though he had no bones to speak of, Discord collapsed to the floor and slithered towards the couch, lightly pressing his nose against hers. He rubbed a soft thumb underneath her chin. “But you would, if I were to ask… say, right now?” He gave her a one-sided grin and raised a mischievous brow right off his head to hover in the air.

“You know I would,” she said, angling her head so her chin fell into his palm. “You’re the closest friend I have anymore, Discord. After everything that’s happened… with alternate universes and Steve and all that…” She sighed. “It’s not easy forgetting all the friends and family I lost in Equestria, but I guess we never would have found each other, were it not for all that.”

The other side of Discord’s mouth formed into a smile. “We sure did. And didn’t you luck out?”

Twilight matched his expression. “And, to think, all it took to show me how good you could be was the end of the world. Funny how apocalypses can change some ponies…”

Pulling away from her, Discord sat cross-legged by the side of the couch and looked away.

He told her, “I wish I could make you as happy as you used to be, Twilight. More than anything, I wish I could do that.”

Twilight furrowed her brows. “What do you mean by that?”

“I mean…” Discord thought on it for a moment. “I mean, more than anything, I want to see some of that old Twilight again—the happier Twilight, the one with the edge to her, the one that didn’t hesitate to put me in my place when she knew I deserved it.”

Twilight narrowed her eyes. “You want me to be mad at you?”

“All I want is an emotion from you again; some of that old fire you used to have.”

“And what if all I want is to go home?”

Silence filled their cramped one-bedroom apartment.

Discord took a moment to glance at their secondhand couch with its half-dozen rips and tears; their lime-green kitchen table with matching chairs that another tenant had given to them instead of throwing away; the tube TV with basic cable package that came complimentary with the rent.

Discord asked her softly, “You don’t think you could ever consider this place home?”

Twilight sighed, but left her head on his hand. “This is Earth. And so far it doesn’t feel at all like Equestria. Not even the one we escaped from.”

In one swift motion, Discord sprang to his feet and held out both arms wide. “Then how about we spruce up the place!? We could always use a chocolate water fountain. Or how about a cellar that leads to the center of the earth? Or a chandelier so big that it reaches the floor? You say what you want, Twilight, and I’ll make it happen in a snap! Whaddya say?”

Twilight finally pried herself off the couch. “I’d rather not attract any more attention to ourselves. As far as tenants are concerned, I don’t think we’re on the top of anyone’s list.”

Discord slid his back along the peeling wallpaper to cover a rather large hole. “We could always find a better place—a place a whole lot nicer than this.”

“We’d need currency for that. Actual Earth currency.”

With his lion’s paw, Discord pulled on the tip of his beard. “We could always ask Steve to send us more of those checks of his.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “I never wanted that money to begin with—you did. Plus, I just don’t feel comfortable taking his money. I know he has a lot of it now with that book deal of his, but… still, I feel like we wronged him on so many levels doing what we did.”

Discord snapped his fingers and the ratty rug below the coffee table changed design, moving and rippling like a thin body of water. He giggled a bit like his older self. “You mean that one time when you and your friends came to Earth to kidnap Steve’s pet pony with the sole intention of blowing him up in order to combine two parallel yet vastly opposite Equestrias?”

Twilight glared up at him. “You really need to stop putting it like that. You make me sound like a seriously crazy pony when you do that.”

Discord knelt down to give her a kiss on the cheek. “But I love crazy ponies, remember?”

Try as she might to stay mad at him for the comment, Twilight eventually loosened and ran a hoof down the side of his neck. Considering Discord was one of the last good things she had left in the world, she was finding it much harder and harder to stay angry at him when all he honestly wanted to do was cheer her up.

As much as Discord told her the world had accepted ponies with open arms, Twilight had so far never been able to shake off the constant feeling of being watched—the knowledge that wherever she went, she’d forever be the center of attention, and only for being a small pony in a world full of humans.

Perhaps that’s why she rarely left their tiny apartment—why she continuously turned down TV appearances and interviews with large checks attached to them. More than anything, she didn’t want to add anymore attention to herself if she could help it.

Although her and Discord had only on occasion met those type of humans that didn’t take too kindly to them, she knew from watching the news during the day that a good chunk of the population didn’t exactly know what to make of them at all—and a smaller amount of them flat-out hated the denizens of Equestria all together.

And, sadly, Twilight couldn’t even blame them for feeling that way. How would Equestria have handled the sudden influx of four million new inhabitants, begging for shelter and for aid and for an (unwarranted) place in your lives?

Knock-knock-knock.

Discord pursed his lips. “Now I wonder who that could be?”

“Ms. Sparkle? This is Judith from downstairs. Your… uh... roommate has been harassing tenants again. That means that you and I need to have ourselves another chat.”

Discord’s pupils shrunk as he tried his sweetest face on Twilight. Sadly, Discord’s sweetest face only appeared mildly bitter at best. “Sounds like the landlady again, sweetie. Do you mind talking to her? You always have such a nice way of making people not so mad at us.”

Shutting her eyes and trying to calm herself, Twilight went to their door and tried her best not to get them both evicted.

***

“I’d rather we’d just stayed in tonight,” Twilight said, right after she’d received her twelfth look from a person passing her by on the sidewalk.

Walking beside her, Discord snickered aloud. “We’ve been keeping out of sight for far too long, my dear, and I think some fresh air might do you some good. I can’t have you keep lounging around the apartment in front of a TV all day. You don’t want to end up like Sombra, do you?”

On the other side of the street, a younger child let go of their parent’s hand to run to the edge of the curb and stare at them. And to make it abundantly clear to anyone around exactly what it was they were gazing at, they pointed a finger in their direction and mouthed the word, “Pony!”

Less than a second later, their parent grabbed hold of their hand again and nearly dragged them on their way.

Twilight could already feel her face growing red. “I just don’t like being the center of attention all the time. Wherever we go, people stare, and I find I can’t even blame them. It must’ve been the same for all those humans that ended up in our Equestria. But at least we were able to get them back home in a few weeks at most.”

With a snap of his fingers, Discord created a batch of colorful flowers that he handed over to Twilight.

“Of course they’re staring! Do you have any idea how ravishing you look every moment of every day? My word, Twilight, you really should spend more time in front of the mirror like I do.”

Twilight quietly took a small nibble from a flower in the bouquet, leaving the rest alone.

Snapping them away, Discord sighed. “Well, if it makes you feel any better, I have a rather solid suspicion that all those stares are actually for yours truly and no one else. Come to think of it, whenever you’re seen with me, I must make you look rather normal by comparison.” His eyes widened as his lips curled into a grin. “I know what I can do!”

Snap!

In a flash, Discord shrunk a good three feet and took the form of a pony with a grey coat and dark mane and tail. Above his red-and-yellow eyes he had a horn and white bushy eyebrows. A tad curious, Twilight took a quick glance at his flank, discovering he’d given himself a swirling cyclone cutie mark.

“Not too bad, right?” Discord exclaimed, giggling richly. He swung his plot into Twilight’s as they continued to stroll up the street. Wrapping a leg around her, he added, “Now we just look like two ponies out on the town! Nothing wrong about that!”

A car parked in front of a red light pounded on its horn, causing Twilight to jolt and turn to look. The car’s back window rolled down and a middle-aged human stuck his head out.

“Hey! Ponies! Over here!”

From the shout, Discord leapt onto Twilight’s back to get a better view, frantically waving a leg in their direction. “Yes! We are ponies! Isn’t it great?”

The guy in the car gave them the peace sign with his fingers before the light changed. “Keep on rocking, little guys!”

Discord gave them one last wave. “Thank you! Thank you very much! We will indeed continue to do so!”

Sliding his legs off Twilight’s back, he pressed his smiling face against hers.

“See? Not everybody here hates ponies. How can you even hate a pony to being with? Hating ponies is absurd. It must just be systematically impossible!”

Gently, Twilight shoved him away. “I never said every human here hates ponies, Discord. Actually, I would expect only a small percentage of them do. What bothers me is being stared at all the time.” She stared down at her hooves. “But what else are they supposed to do? We all must look so weird to them.”

Discord lifted her chin up with a hoof. “I know Earth may not be as colorful or peaceful or as randomly musical as Equestria, but I think if you and I gave it some time, it could become more like home. Did you like Ponyville the second you arrived there? Didn’t it take some time to grow on you?”

“Well, I might not have loved Ponyville the very first day I was there, but it also didn’t take over a year to start to call the place home. And we’ve already been here that long—longer, actually.”

Discord snapped himself into his usual lengthy form and bent down to her. “I know what you need: a good meal!”

Twilight breathed out a sigh of relief. “So we can go back to the apartment, then?”

He waved a hand. “I didn’t mean that! What you need is a good human meal. I’m sure at least one of these weird human meat-bags around here can cook.”

Before she could argue any more, Discord grabbed hold of her leg and snapped them off the street, landing in front of a tall skyscraper with a large, modernized restaurant and bar operating at its base.

Discord extended a hand towards its glass doors. “Shall we?”

Looking up at him, Twilight bluntly asked, “This wouldn’t happen to have anything to do with today being my birthday, would it?”

Discord smacked himself in the cheek with his palm. “Your birthday’s today!? Why… I had no idea! No idea at all! But since we’re out and about and since I need to give a certain party planner time to decorate, why not enjoy something nice and slightly expensive?”

Through the restaurant’s large rectangular windows, Twilight watched a waitress set down a plate for a table of eight. Beyond that group was another whole row of tables, all loaded with happily eating and drinking humans. Doing a quick estimate based on the place’s size and a guess at the size of their kitchen, Twilight thought the establishment could hold anywhere from two-hundred to three-hundred people at any time. And it just so happened to be a Friday during peak hours.

Twilight bit the tip of her tongue. “I doubt they even serve ponies here.”

With a chuckle, Discord reminded her, “Every place serves ponies. It’s the law. Remember that bill that was passed that first month we all arrived here? Plus…” with a claw, he indicated a small hanging sign on one of the restaurant’s doors that boldly stated: “PONIES WELCOME!”

As Discord took a step towards the building, Twilight stopped him with a leg. “Discord, I still don’t think this is a good idea. We really don’t have the money to afford anything like this.”

From a makeshift pocket in his side, Discord pulled out a small stack of green bills and ran a finger through them. He flashed a wicked grin. “I’ll think we’ll be just fine, honey bun. Come on now. Food’s getting cold.”

Twilight felt an elastic arm wrap all the way around her torso, pulling her along. Reluctantly, she went with Discord as her mind tried to think of something else.

“That isn’t more of that Earth currency you created yourself, is it? We went over this before, Discord. Stuff like that’s illegal.”

He gently ruffled her mane as they drew closer to the restaurant. “Not fake, I promise. I don’t think I’ll be trying to make my own currency again anytime soon. Not after that one store owner pulled that gun on me that night.” He snorted. “It was almost like he’d never seen a draconequus trying to buy a Slurpee with a bill depicting the future President of the United States! It’s not my fault they’re all going to vote for that idiot!”

Twilight stopped moving altogether, forcing Discord to place a hand on her plot and literally shove her onward.

Standing her ground, Twilight grimaced. “That’s not Steve’s money, is it? You know how I feel about him supporting us.”

Discord added a second hand to his Twilight plot-shoving project. “So what if it is? I gave him a call; asked how the restraining order was holding up; told him I needed a little bit of moolah for something special coming up and he sent it! No strings attached!” He grunted as he pushed her another couple feet. “You’d be surprised, Twilight, how easygoing that guy is. The whole Equestrian apocalypse, I don’t think I even heard him swear once! You’d think he was Canadian or something!”

Taking a step to her left, Twilight whirled around, causing Discord to lose his balance and come crashing to the ground.

She stood overtop of him, not completely able to meet his eyes. “Can we just go back to the apartment, please? I don’t… I just don’t want to be the center of attention anymore, okay? There must be hundreds of humans in there, and if we go in, that would make us the only ponies in the entire place.” She hesitated, before adding, “Or… the only pony and draconequus, but you understand what I’m saying, don’t you? Please?”

Still spread out flat on the sidewalk, Discord mashed her face between both hands. “But what if I told you that there were already over a dozen ponies inside there? And what if I told you our booth happened to be only steps away from two tables already full of ponies?”

“You made reservations?” Twilight said through mashed lips.

“Made ‘em a month ago. Just for us. I did a little research and this place is actually very pony-friendly.”

Twilight felt warmth behind her eyes. “I didn’t even think you knew when my birthday was.”

Discord gave her a single nod before kissing her deeply.

After he pulled away, he said, “I’m only trying to show you that there’s no reason we can’t exist here—actually live here and not just watch TV inside all day. Whether they want to or not, humans will get used to us. And if you feel as though you’re the center of attention in there, just imagine they’re all looking at me, because there’s an awfully good chance that’s exactly what they’re doing.”

Twilight smiled faintly at that. “Just promise me you won’t freak anyone out, all right? If this place is as pony friendly as you say it is, it might be nice to have a restaurant we can come back to.”

Discord’s single fang poked his lower lip. “My thoughts exactly. And I wouldn’t worry about a thing. Unless something completely beyond my control happens to pop up tonight, I’ll be on my best behavior. It’s just dinner, isn’t it?”

Is it? Twilight thought as she gave Discord one last kiss before going inside.

Comments

[Boxx]

great fic so far...faving it

[Shocks]

You’d think he was Canadian or something!”

You don't say.

[JCatt]

Its not Sombra but it's enough

[remnants]

...well this is going on my follow list

[wlam]

I still think I'd have preferred a story about Twilight finally contacting her "gone right" alternate self, personally, but regardless, keeping an eye on this.

[naturalbornderpy]

6495254 Thank you! A lot more oddity to come.

6495487 Sarcasm is my bread and butter. Thanks for reading!

6495578

6495638 Actually, Steve's from the US. One of the hotter states, if what Sombra mentions about it being warm there are true.

6496188 No Sombra. No Steve. You've all had enough of those two for a while.

6496278 Thanks!

[Emperor]

Man, trying to save everyone from a doomed world and having an aborted suicide attempt before getting transported to a world where, despite ponies numbering in the millions, the only sapient race there so far numbered in the BILLIONS, sure changed Twilight's personality a bit for the lazier, apathetic, uncaring.

Discord, you better be careful. If you get Twilight filled up with fire again, well, now that she knows you can change into a pony no problem...

“You’d be surprised, Twilight, how easygoing that guy is. The whole Equestrian apocalypse, I don’t think I even heard him swear once! You’d think he was Canadian or something!”

Well, given the author...