"You Can't Go Back, Michael."

by Mike the Red

My Karma Ran Over My Dogma

"Welcome to your new home, Michael," the alicorn declared warmly. "Make yourself comfortable -- you're going to be here for awhile."

"What, here in Equestria, here in Canterlot? Or here in the castle?" I asked as fear crept into my voice. I glanced around the room, noticing just how ostentatious the decorations adorning the walls were. Is this the accumulation of centuries of roaming the planet or what?

"Well -- for right now, my room will be the extent of your world," she said. I noticed a change in the tone of her voice, making the hackles on the back of my neck stand up. My facial expression revealed the extent of my fear -- I never was very good at hiding my emotions, especially fear. "I will not harm you, but I need for you to stay here for right now." With that, she summoned a gold ring which she placed on my horn. "This is to ensure you don't try to leave -- I can't risk having you running around my castle and getting lost." As the ring secured itself to my horn, I felt a sickness in my stomach as my magic was snuffed out by it.

"But -- your Majesty -- would you at least be willing to let me explore? I mean, you could always track my magic signature and summon me whenever you need me," I suggested. I sat on the floor on my hocks, lazily running a hoof along the inhibitor ring, trying to move it. I was rewarded by a sharp jolt of pain for my effort.

"And you might encounter some ponies I'd rather you not see -- some of the nobles here don't approve of strangers. You will get to see more of the castle in due time -- just be patient, Michael." She sat on her bed and motioned for me to approach, her serene smile returning. "And I'll be happy to keep you company during the cold, cold nights," she grinned. Her intonation struck deep fear into me, causing all the hair on the back of my neck to stand on end.

"But -- I was hoping Twilight would be my night-time companion -- and my day-time companion -- and -- I was hoping I could make her my new wife -- Brenda's been so mean to me for so long that I want --" I began before I was rudely cut off by the alicorn.

"I cannot allow that, Michael -- you defied my order and returned -- what makes you think she'd accept your offer of marriage? You realize you cannot marry her without my blessing -- something you will have to earn," she stated firmly.

"So you're saying there's a chance," I opined, a hint of hopefulness in my voice. My statement elicited a frown on the alicorn's face, her visage darkening slightly.

"Yes, Michael, there is -- but it might take you awhile before I deem you worthy -- and don't ask me how well I think you're doing. I will let you know when you have earned my blessing and not before then, either. Until then, you will be my companion -- but you will have to stay here in my bedchamber until I feel I can trust you enough to let you roam the castle -- and you will be confined to the castle until I can trust you enough to let you wander around Canterlot --"

"And only after that will I earn your trust to explore the whole of Equestria -- very well then, your Majesty -- whatever it takes to please you," I submitted, bowing to her.

"You learn quickly, Michael. I admire that. Now come to me, we shall retire for the night," she commanded. She removed her regalia, placing the items on her night-stand. "Snuggle close to me, Michael -- I don't bite!" she chortled, her tone quite warm.

"I've never slept with a Princess before," I mused as I climbed into her bed, snuggling up to her, my muzzle close to hers. She licked my muzzle with her tongue, causing me to giggle.

---

Brenda woke up from her rest and searched the house for me. Unable to find me, she called on Xaviera to help look for me. Both of them searched the entire house from top to bottom -- even going so far as to go outside to search. Brenda took notice of my car, which I had used a considerable amount of magic in repairing and enhancing certain capabilities and functions it could now perform. Xaviera came outside to see it as well.

"Mama, is that -- why does it look like that?"

"Looks kinda like what he did -- sorta," Brenda replied. "I wonder how it works now," she mused as she went back into the house and fetched the keyfob to it. Her daughter went back into the house as well, gathering her daughters and taking them into the basement to watch TV. The front door slammed shut as Brenda went back out to the car, opening it and inserting the key in the ignition, turning the car on.

"Analyzing driver data," came a flat monotone from the speakers. Brenda shrugged her shoulders.

"What, I didn't know this car could talk," she said as she turned on the radio, tuning to a local hip hop station. The car shut off the radio in response to this.

"Driver data unconfirmed, driver please state your name -- and please refrain from using the radio until analysis is complete," came a slightly harsher tone.

"Why does your voice sound like my husband's when he was in a copy of -- I think he looked like -- what's her name? Twilight Sparkle? Or something like that?"

"My voice module has been configured to resemble that of Twilight Sparkle -- please state your name," the car said, her tone a bit more insistent.

"Brenda Walker -- and I'm looking for my husband -- last time I saw him, he was running around in a horse's body," she offered. A loud series of beeps came from the speakers.

"Twilight is not a horse -- she is a pony, Brenda. Don't make that mistake again."

"I need my husband back! How am I supposed to get to work? How am I supposed to pay the mortgage or the other bills? Where am I going to get the money I need to take care of all that?" she asked in frustration. "He left for Equestria, I just know it! He was here yesterday -- and then he disappeared in a puff of smoke! I didn't know he could teleport like that! Hey wait a minute -- if he went to Equestria -- I met with Princess Celestia yesterday -- can you contact her and see if she's seen him?"

"Affirmative. Establishing communication link. Princess Celestia, there is a Brenda Walker who would like to ask you if you've seen her husband."

---

A loud crackle reverberated off the walls of the Royal Bedchamber, waking me with its amplitude. Celestia remained asleep and continued snoring. I heard what sounded like Twilight's voice.

"Princess Celestia, there is a Brenda Walker who would like to ask you if you've seen her husband," the voice stated in a flat-sounding monotone. I rubbed my eyes at this, wondering if it really was Twilight.

"Um, Twilight? How'd you get in here?" I asked.

"Not Twilight -- where is Princess Celestia?"

"She's asleep -- laying next to me -- and tell Brenda that I am her husband -- how is she able to talk to me?"

"I have established a communication link," she replied.

"How did Brenda get to Equestria?" I asked almost incredulously.

"She is not -- she is here on Earth," came the reply.

"Who are you? Are you Twilight?"

"No -- I am a 2005 Nissan Altima -- enhanced with a voice module equipped to replicate the auditory tonality of Twilight Sparkle," replied the car.

"Wait -- you're the car I repaired yesterday?" I asked, my tone showing utter bewilderment. I wondered how such a thing was possible -- if the rift in the fabric of the space/time continuum had been repaired, how was such communication possible?

"Mike! Please come back! I can't go to work without your help! Where am I supposed to get the money we need to pay the bills?" asked Brenda, her tone quite shrill to my ears.

"I'll try to figure something out -- but Princess Celestia told me I can't go back," I replied sullenly.

"Whaddayou mean, you can't come back? I need you to come back!" Brenda cried, the tone of her voice sounding like she was about to start shedding tears for real. Her hurt tone woke the alicorn laying beside me.

"Michael, what's going on? Who do these voices belong to?"

"Princess! I need my husband back!"

"I can't send him back -- and he already tried to return -- but the rift which had been torn in the fabric of the space/time continuum has been repaired, making his return all but impossible. How else may I help you?"

"Well -- if he can't come back, I will need a lot of money to take care of the bills he's leaving me with," she replied, her tone sounding quite angry. "And I don't want him cheating on me, either!"

"You've been cheating on me, Brenda -- so why's it any different to you? You can't come here, so you can't do anything to me -- twenty years without sex is twenty years too long, Brenda -- I've already resigned myself to my fate," I stated bluntly.

"That doesn't matter! You need to come back here -- doesn't matter how you get here -- just -- just -- get here!" she shouted. I heard the car's horn blare at this point.

"Brenda, please refrain from pushing the horn," Twilight's voice stated in her flat monotone. "Muting horn," she added, causing the annoying blare to cease. I heard the soft sounds of sobbing in the background -- Brenda must have been crying at that point, but without being able to see, I wasn't sure.

"Um, Twilight, is Brenda crying?" I asked uncertainly.

"It would appear as such," came her flat tone in response to my query.

"Is there something we can do? Some way of being able to help her?" I asked.

"I will address that issue, Michael -- just lay down and go back to sleep," the Princess advised me.

"I won't be able to sleep until I know Brenda's gonna be okay," I opined. My tone indicated a level of frustration and just a hint of anger. Being stuck like this, knowing I could talk to Brenda but not be with her really stuck in my craw. Hearing her voice her frustration didn't help my mood either -- and the Princess just telling me to go back to sleep? Unbelievable.

"I told you, I will address this matter. Don't worry about it," she reiterated a little more forcefully.

"I just wanna know what you're gonna do to help her," I said.

"I can't tell you that," she stated with a degree of finality. She lit her horn and enveloped me in her golden aura, then teleported me -- I felt my world spin seemingly out of control, then my stomach dropped before I found myself standing in a familiar room. I was shocked to see a lavender unicorn laying in her bed, a light snoring sound coming from her mouth. Spike was curled in his basket at the foot of her bed. I sauntered softly to her bedside and nudged her shoulder, causing her to wake -- and upon seeing me, her eyes went wide with surprise.

Comments

[HoneyBadgerr]

Yeah, this chapter was crap.