Enjoy the near mute adventures of Mr Cee and his Little Sister, Theresa, a young man and his niece who went to a game con as a Big Daddy and a Little Sister, met a merchant and bought some shit. What could possibly go right? Wait, nothing goes right.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Intrigued, hope it continues.
looks good so far.
6491646 Thanks bro.
6491720 It only started.
Oh my gosh! I wanna crossover but I don't have any openings! WHY!?
6491952 No problems? Darn, PM me.
hmm colour me somewhat interested, a short little bite, but let's see if you get a hook.
6492229 Challenge accepted.
*Puts on horse mask* I love it!
6493271 Thanks!
This chapter was a good one. The only problems I see are, we as the readers don't know who Mister D is so you may wanna go back and elaborate who exactly that is. Half way threw the chapter it switches from Mister Cee's POV to the little sisters POV without any warning.(I cant remember names so ya) And the last complaint I have is that you switch between ADAM and ANAM. We as the readers have no idea what you're talking about when you say ANAM. All of these things are easy fixes with a little more dialogue between the characters in the second half of the chapter. Other than that this story has me hook line and sinker and I cant wait for it's next installment.
I have to agree with Sir Quill, here. There were even a few grammar issues, but nothing major. So with that said, I'd like to extend an offer. What if I were a proofreader/editor for you? I'd work for free.
Finally! A displaced that doesn't seem too overly cliched and has good English!
........... Is that really so much to ask, people? I mean, really.
6495293 Thanks, I'll check those as soon as possible. Anam is mana spelled backwards, basically means the magic in a pony's blood. I also thought I outlined where it changed perspective.
6495590 Sure! I just got Gdocs, and don't know how to use it yet.
6495691 For the first part, I'll admit, most just want superpowers for their displaced, so I guess that's what traps most displaced in a cliche, that and they don't think "Hey, when should this story end?", and for the second, well... let's say that if the other Displaced Big Daddy story had a similar storyline and good grammar, I would've not posted this story.
6495729 I can show you around, although I don't know everything. PM me if you have any questions.
6495818 It'll be more then I know, and I should take all the help I can get.
6492229 Did I hook ya?
OK what's happening he was sucked into a hole than suddenly his neice is gone he fought the element's at some point now they're statue's and have been for a thousand years? This doesn't even qualify as a story it's rubbish its trash
6493271
I got that reference