You Only Live Twice

by makey101

Friends in Low Places

Author's note: There will be much more authors notes in this story as it is a more of an experimental story than most. The story I really care about is Jedi Exile and I will continue to give that story attention. However, it is a shameless love of mine for some self inserts so I want to try my hand at it. I am going to attempt to update this more often as a writing exercise and to test the waters for how shipping works with my writing style. Here goes nothing.

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The facts are these: I am one Edward Anderson, College flunkee. It wasn't that I'm dumb, it is simply that being smart and being good at college are not the same thing. There are sorrority girls with 4.0s that couldn't tell you how a TV works. I know it is a little unfair and that "her knowledge is in other areas than mine", but I tend to get a little annoyed that I can do triple integration in spherical coordinates while she writes papers on how cutting down trees are bad. But I digress.

I am on my way to the middle of nowhere Washington (State. If it was Washington D.C. I would say Washington D.C.) for my job. It is a strange thought a person has when they see their entire life fit inside a mini-van. Let it be known that I rock the Mini-van. If I had a choice, I would stay in Seattle, but that isn't quite important right now.

Currently, I am plummeting to my inevitable doom with my wallet in my mouth. Granted, I was heading through the mountains during an earthquake. You know the saying about the fall not being the thing that kills you, but the landing? Well, it gives you time to see your life flash before your eyes. I saw my family of two older brothers and parents growing up, various choir performences, and, for some reason, the time I pissed on my apartment building when I was really drunk. I thought of my girlfriend of 4 years and whispered a silent prayer for her.

The earthquake must have been a doozy because there was an actual crevice in the ground. The maw of the ground opened before me as I drove over the guard rail and down the cliff face and into the earth. The last thing I remembered was the taste of my leather wallet. And to think that I just got paid.

There was a flash of light and I was on a pier. There was a sickly green ambient lighting in a circle around the pier and the tiny bit of shore. the rest of existence was simply black. There was a tall man in a worn suit several decades out of place holding an absurdly large oar. I must have surprised him because he jumped back with a rather feminine squeak.

"By the Beard of Zeus man! Don't sneak up on someone like that!" He attempted to recover "In any case, It'll be twenty bucks." He held out his hand expectantly.

"Mff?" I didn't realize I still had my wallet in my mouth. "Sorry, what? Where am I?"

"Styx!" He pointed with the oar to the water.

"Excuse me? Wait...The River Styx!?"

"No, the band! Of course the river!"

"T-then you must be...Charon...The Ferryman of the Dead..." I said as strength left my voice.

"The one and only!" he said with a gaunt and toothy grin.

"Wait, don't you only take people across who have been buried and had money... in their..." I looked at the wallet in my hand. "Mouth." I suppose I was technically buried. I decided to make some small talk. It wasn't like i was going anywhere. "so how did you get roped into this job?"

Charon laughed "It is a long story."

"Well I'm dead so I got time"

This made Charon chuckle "Right you are! Well take a seat! I have not enjoyed anybody's company since that boy Percy went to visit his uncle!"

Charon delved into a wild story of betrayal and intriuge that rivled the epics of Homer. Oh, and don't get him started on Homer. Apparently Charon gave him a good whoopin with his paddle for the schennanigains that poet wrote. And Dante too apparently. Time sped by as he regailed story after story of historical figures pleading for their lives, offering money they were not buried with. Finally, after what was probably days of recounting stories spanning millenia, I popped the inevitable question.

"So what happens now?"

"You pay me and I ferry you to the other side."

I looked at my wallet and took note of exactly how much I had with me. "I'll tell you what, I've got fifty dollars right here if you take me someplace else. The Fields of Judgement aren't quite my thing."

He glanced back and fourth before leaning in "What if I told you that the River Styx flows through many places and that I hold a weency bit more sway in the mortal world than I let on?" A sly smile touched his lips.

"I'm listening..."

"Suppose that there is this place," Charon put his arm on my shoulder and gestured towards the darkness. "Ponies! Ponies everywhere!"

"Wait... what?"

"It's a sweet place that is SO much better than Earth." He had a smug grin plastered on his face. "Oh, and you will be alive again."

"Charon you magnificent bastard!" And that is when I bro-fisted the son of a primordial deity.

"You are an allright guy, Edward. Because I am first contact to the realm of the dead, I meet every person who dies with a bit of change in their mouth. But you are the first one to try to get to know me. And for that, you get to live."

"even after that stunt Napoleon pulled? I woulda let that guy live."

"Almost did, the feisty little bugger." We both shared a laugh.

He then closed his eyes for a second and breathed deeply. He muttered ancient syllables before opening his eyes back up.

"There! done!"

"No glowy colors?"

"Is that what you were expecting?"

"Well...kinda."

"This isn't Hollywood human. However, you are now alive!"

"EPIC! For that you are getting all of my money! here! take it!" I handed over $2,000 cash. "That is all of my money, and you, sir, deserve it!"

Charon gave his signature grin and took the money swiftly. "For two thousand dollars I'll ferry you across with your car."

"My car?"

"Well you were buried with it. so you do get to keep it. I'll even throw in these here outlets. They will work on magic so you can keep your precious computer"

"Charon, This is the beginning of a long and beneficial relationship"

"Time will tell, mortal."

With that, I stepped into the ferry where my car had, at some point, appeared. We shoved off upstream, telling each other dirty jokes along the way.

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Author's Note:
I swear that ponies will be involved soon. I just kinda hammered this one out. I needed to get all of my plot devices together so I can begin an adventure including, but not limited to: Awkward moments, Sarcastic remarks, More mythology, and, of course, Sexual tension. no clop, all funny. This story is for my guilty pleasure of HiE romance/slice of life stories. I guess other people can read it too...

Comments

[Slip Kid]

I like it.

[HighTreason25]

Sweet! The Charon concept is GENIUS! If I may, could I have permission to use a similar idea in one of my future stories?

[the Joyless1]

LOOOOOOOLLLLLOOOOOLLOOOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
BLOODY GENIUS
BEST WAY TO SWAY A GOD GIVE HIM ALL YOUR MONEY

[the Joyless1]

great story keep up tha funny stuff

[spetsnaz pinkie pie]

This is some of the funniest stuff I ever read