Seems very interesting, but I wouldn't have minded Twilight hiding the fact that it was linked to her desires, as it would have left more options with sub-plots I think. But otherwise very good for your first story!

Your right about the grammatical errors:

“So I guess enjoy yourself it’s not every day you get to live out your secret desires.” Twilight grew embarrassed.

Would sound better as this
"So I guess your enjoying yourself it's not ever day you get to live out your secret desires."
Feel like a comma or semicolon should go between red text but not sure, never was good with those.
What you need my friend is a proofreader.

6224231 I'm not going to argue with you there I could use one. But that would involve telling someone I know to read my diapered pony fan fiction. Anyway which chapter was that in so I can fix it.

I want to like this story. I really do. Unfortunately, the frequent punctuation errors detract too much from my enjoyment.

And this was, once again, a good chapter. I don't much appreciate the sub-plot of this being linked to Twilight's desires, but I guess it does give a quick out to explaining why it happened. Anyway, I will save the next few chapters for tomorrow.