Heroes of Harmony

by Nova Arc

Prologue 1.2: The Ice Monitor

Frost walked into an alleyway, the kind people try to avoid for the fear of getting mugged. But he wasn't afraid. He knew where he was going. He pressed the headset. "Hey, where'd you move the entrance to this time?" he asked, looking at a surveillance camera on a wall.

"Go straight, take a right, and tap the blue brick exactly an arm's length above you," said the girl on the other end. Frost walked forward and tapped the blue brick on the wall to his right. The each of the bricks began to vanish like holograms.

"Nice secret entrance." Frost walked through the "door" which sealed up behind him. He walked down a long hall lit up long row of neon lights. He came up to an open door and walked down a flight of metal stairs that followed. As he approached the end, he saw a figure sitting in a rotating chair, facing a three flat-screen computers, typing away. "Y'know, staring at a computer screen for a long time can damage your eyes?"

"Yeah, well then I should be blind by now," she replied. "Besides, how else am I supposed to keep an eye on you when you get in trouble."

"Your not my mom," Frost said jokingly.

"But I'm the closest thing to a big sister."

"Yet, your younger me."

She turned in her chair. She had electric green eyes and her long flowing platinum blonde hair had a blue streak down the right side. She was wearing a white tank top, blue jean shorts, and blue flip-flops. "By a few months." Frost smiled and dropped the box of cinnamon buns on the table next to the computers. "You know I really don't like it when you keep your snacks next to my..." She paused when the scent of the cinnamon buns hit her. Her mouth watered instantly. She turned slowly to face the box filled with rows of buns. Frost smiled as she dove into the box.

"I thought donuts were your thing?" Frost asked.

The girl swallowed the bun in her mouth. "Yeah, but you didn't get donuts... did you?" she asked leaning in. Frost shook his head and she went back to the buns.

"Slow down, Relay. You're gonna get sick," Frost said as he took off his shoes. "Besides, I'm gonna eat some off those," he added, joining her.

About ten minutes later, the box was empty. "So, did you get the parts I asked for?" Relay asked, licking her fingers.

"Yep." Frost walked over to his bag and put it on a table in the middle of the room. He emptied its contents to reveal several cylindrical metal objects, a keyboard, and a 5 terabyte hard drive. "Not sure why you need it, but it must be for something important if I had to steal it from those creeps. By the way, you are so lucky we're still on summer holiday."

"Hey," she said, picking up the components and connecting them to the original set-up, "You're not the only one trying to keep a clean record at school."

"The difference is our reasons. I'm trying to keep people off my back, your a geek being a... well, geek. Or is there a guy involved?" he asked, grinning. Relay pouted and went back to work. Frost sat down in a couch against the wall. "So, what are you working on?"

Relay grinned. "Just something that could save our lives and make working a bit easier." She waved her hand over some of the pieces. They levitated and rotated around her and combine.

"A bomb?"

"NO!" Relay turned around in shock. "I hate those guys, but I am not going to drop to that level." Once she was done, she set the cylinders, now with wires hanging out of and around them, she went back to the computer. "I've been looking for a way to use their info network against them."

"And the cans of solar-irradiated hydrogen you asked me to get from the abandoned warehouse at the docks?"

"Fuel cells. This building's electricity is annoyingly unreliable."

"So... you're not building a bomb?" Frost asked.

Before she could answer, there was a knock on the door, followed by a click signifying the door being unlocked. They looked at the door. Four beefy armed men in black suits walked in, followed by another wearing a white shirt with a black vest, brown trench coat, black trousers and black shoes. His messy gray hair was mostly covered by a black fedora and his bright green eyes shone under the shadow they cast. "Oh, great. Speak of the devil," she said as she hid the canisters behind the row of CPUs before they got into the room.

"Ah. Frost, Relay, how are you two today?" asked the man in a calm voice worthy of a mafia boss, "I was hoping I'd catch you at home."

"What do you want, Capo?" Frost asked.

"I just wanted to know if you had changed your minds about my little proposition. Judging by your tone, I'd say you're still being stubborn."

"You judged correct," said Relay. "What the hell do you even need bombs for anyway?"

"I'm glad you asked. I have a little friend supplying me with enough firepower to out match every other gang in the entire north coast of the city... for a start. The bombs are just a little... insurance policy in case one of us decides to double -cross the other. And before you ask, the only reason you're helping me is because you kids have a pretty... impressive record." Relay frowned. "Oh, c'mon kid. You've got some real skills. Besides, I ain't exactly hunting you for it."

"Hey, if I knew what I was doing, I wouldn't have done it," Relay said, defensively.

"Of course y' didn't know what you were doing. What kinda kid hacks a DARPA database at the age of ten... on purpose?" Relay's face burned with embarrassment. That event made her quite popular among quite a few metahumans within a two city radius from Manhattan. Capo turned to Frost. "And who was it that covered for you when you were dragged out of the frozen remains of your old foster home, eh?"

"Yeah, yeah, you did a lot for us," Relay said, rolling her eyes, "But I am not going to build something that could kill several people."

"They're not innocent people."

"And neither are you, but you're all still people." One of the guards grabbed her head and slammed it onto the table.

"HEY! BACK OFF!" Frost yelled as he charged at the man and punched him with an ice-armored fist. The man toppled back as two others grabbed Frost and threw him against the wall. One aimed a punch at him, but was stopped by Capo.

"Wait," he said calmly. He walked over to Frost, who was pinned to the wall by two of Capo's guards. He looked at him, then looked at Relay, who was holding the side of her head in pain. "Look, kids, I don't want any trouble. I'm just asking a favor. A relatively small one considering that I currently pay for your accommodation, and... other expenses. But here you are, stubborn and unappreciative. So, here's what I'm gonna do..." He pulled a gun and pointed it at Frost's head. Relay turned pale. "I'll give you to the count of three to give me a better answer. One..."

"D-D-Don't." Relay was frozen in fear.

"Two..." Capo released the safety.

"Don't do it," said Frost.

"Three..."

"WAIT!" Capo looked at Relay. She looked up, her expression was blank. "... Yes."

Capo's smiled, Frost did not. "Well," he put the gun down, "I'm glad you've come to your-."

"I'm not done." A smile appeared on her face. "Yes, I'll make your bomb, but on one condition."

"And what would that be?"

"You'll have to kill us both; me, then him."

Capo was confused, but then he smiled. "That can be arranged." He pointed the gun at her. But something wasn't right. It felt like everything was shaking, but not the ground. "W-What's happening?"

"You forgot something. I control technology... and you're in a room... filled with electronics." Suddenly, the computers disassembled themselves and revolved around her. "And I am very pissed off." Capo raised his gun, but it was knocked out of his hand by a slab of metal. Frost took advantage of the thugs' surprise and kicked them away.

"Wait," said Frost as the thugs ran towards him. They stopped. Frost wen to the fridge, filled ice bucket with ice and wolfed it down like it was water. He finished by exhaling frost. "Okay, now I'm ready." He fired a blast of ice at one goon, freezing him solid. The second tried to punch him, but missed when Frost rolled under him. He turned around and was hit in the face by a flying computer screen. Frost grabbed Capo and used the momentum from his roll to through him into the last goon.

"Hey, Frost. Time to bail," Relay said as she brought out the canisters and flung them all over the room. Frost took the hint and ran for the window, supercooling the canisters with cold blasts. They jumped out the window and ran down the metal stairs. Once they were two floors down, Relay looked up. "Later, losers." Her hands shimmered and the lights in the room and even outside flickered, then went off with a flash.

"Hey, who turned out the lights?" asked one of the goons.

"Haven't you heard, I run my own power." She clenched her fists and the canisters activated, exploding systematically in burst of highly pressurized gas. The blast blew off a the windows, sending glass flying. They reached the bottom three floors later and got out onto the street. "Great, now what?" At that moment, a motorcycle pulled up to them. The driver wore a black hoodie, purple, blue jeans, and black boots. She removed her helmet, revealing a black and white Mohawk.

"Hey, I remember you," Frost said, earning him a glare from Relay. "Long story short, we met yesterday at the bakery."

"Very attentive of you, but is reminiscing on that what you want to do?" she replied, pointing at the thugs coming down the stairs. Frost gestured for Relay to get on the bike. Once she did, the woman sped off. Frost followed by skating on an ice trail.

They turned off into an alleyway. Once they were safe, Relay decided to get some answers. "So, who are you and how'd you find us?"

"My name is Zecora, and I tracked you by locating your aura."

"Our aura? Are... are you a metahuman?"

"Yes, good guess. I can manipulate mana for various effects, including attack, defense, and even as a GPS. I've been keeping an eye on you for while, and I must say, you both have an impressive file."

Relay and Frost stared at each other. "You've, uh... seen our files?" asked Frost.

"What are you, some government stiff?" asked Relay.

Zecora chuckled. "No, no. The organization I work for is private to its core. It works for no one, but we work for everyone."

"And what organization is that?"

"Soon, you will see. But for now, it would be safe if you stay with me."

"Uh, are you sure?" asked Frost. "We'd hate to be a burden."

"It's no problem if you are my guests. After what you've just been through, you need the rest."

Author's Note:

Yeesh. Not as easy as I thought to write Zecora's lines. Also, had writer's block for a whole day and when I had something good, my laptop restarted and I had to start over and forgot a lot of it. So, here's the next chapter and a new character to go with it.

Name: Relay Code
Age: 15
Gender: Female
Abilities: Technokinesis/Technopathy (control over technology), mental Wi-Fi/CtOS, EMP bursts, hard-light/holographic construct projection

Name: Zecora
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Abilities: Magic, mana manipulation, aura-tracking bio-GPS

Hope you liked it.

Comments

[Cookie_Girl]

Cool.

[Nova Arc]

6090096 Thanks

[Col_StaR]

Your story's Ups/Downs ratio feels kind of unfair for the quality of the story. Make no mistake: there are some serious flaws that I'll be sure to mention, but 5/3 seems unnecessarily low. Given the lack of comments, I'm tempted to say that the humanization and your derivations of source material might have attracted some blind down-votes. Take it from a fellow Humanized writer: it's just a consequence of the material that you have to live with.

That being said, your story was kind of a bear to get through. Despite only being two chapters, I had difficulty becoming engaged or interested in it. Here's my quick reasons why:
1. Telling but not Showing. Every new writer's issue. Basically every action was described in a, "Telling" manner, like someone is just describing stage directions to me. Even in Chapter 1's supposed-to-be-tense fighting scenes, the fact that you only described the actions being taken was not engaging or enjoyable to read. As a reader, I want to be have the scenes and the actions described in a manner that is interesting, engaging, and informative, and you do that by Showing. Giving me a simple, literal statement of the physical action occurring is Telling, and you should save that for instruction manuals and After Action Reports.
This may seem nebulous, but I strongly suggest you research, "Showing, not Telling". It's one of the most important things an early writer should do.
2. No Investment or Development. Who is Frost? Who is Relay? Who is Capo? Who are these original characters? But more importantly: why should we care about them? It is important that your audience knows, cares, and understands your characters, because that's part of how they become interested and engaged in your story. But you don't achieve that with character sheets and out-of-left-field action scenes; that's yet another example of Telling but not Showing, this time regarding your characters. The first scene of the first chapter, a scene that involves a potentially-lethal situation involving guns and robbery, came off as rather boring since Frost was barely introduced, and thus I didn't care much at all about him or his situation.
Honestly, I'd suggest you slow things down with the action, and give at least some time to introduce our characters in a way that doesn't leap immediately into guns-drawn-at-faces. Relay's intro was the most adapted to that, but even she could use a little less exposition and a little more exposure.
3. No Introduction. I've read Chapter 1 twice just to make sure I didn't miss anything, but I keep feeling like I have. Namely, I feel like the story is missing an Introduction. Introductions set the presidence for the story, establishing characters, rules, and world that the story will encapsulate. Introductions usually don't have action scenes, or they have action scenes that built towards something. Chapter one felt like hardly anything in terms of characters or world building had been established, other than Frost and Pinkie having a seemingly-pointless beat down of some robbers.
I'd rework chapter one to fit in more of an introduction, or perhaps create a prologue. But I'd actually take the notes from your story description, and find a way to weave that information into a narrative form, and turn that into a prologue. Because that's a much better story flow than what you have now.

Don't despair about the issues, though: those issues are very common, especially points 1 and 2. Those are issues you'll iron out with time, research, experience, and revisions.

To your credit, the story is written solidly. Your English skills are good, and there were very few typos in the story. But while you can write correctly, writing engaging fiction is a very different skill you will have to practice and develop. Keep with it, though, and you'll get it!

[Nova Arc]

6098550 Unexplained down votes are a norm for me since I started. It's one of the reasons o cancelled and deleted my first story. As for your points:

1. I know what you mean by the telling not showing. I was a literature student for a while, so I think I took the whole "vivid description of events" part too seriously, I've always loved detail because in my experience, it helps bring out the character, such as when I describe the character's outfit to give an idea of his personality (suit=gentleman, leather=rough, etc.). That's a department I might need help with.

2. I usually don't just introduce the characters. I prefer to build them over the course of the story, mainly because that didn't seem like a problem in my other fic. I feel introducing and explaining a character too early in a story makes their future actions a bit too predictable (E.g.: Frost is supposed to have a hero complex and feels like he should help anyone he can, ignoring the negativity around him, but that would make it obvious that he could, for example, get killed of horribly injured trying to save someone or is easily betrayed by an "ally".) I like the suspense and the questions it raises about the character's morality. But, if that's the problem, I'll try to add a bit more detail on the ocs in the next few prologues. Also, I'll try to slow down on the action.

3. Superhero fics is new terrain for me. I normally just do typical magic stories, but I decided to step out of my comfort zone and see how I do. Normally, magic worlds seem to build themselves in my experience due to the potential, but apparently, superhero worlds are a bit less easy to go unintroduced and unexplained. The prologues were meant to introduce the characters I would be focusing on, but I guess that came at the cost of explaining the world they live in, which I didn't do so great in either.

My main issue is my overactive imagination. A new idea pops into my head like every 5 minutes and it always feels like something that could add quality to the story (Check my blogs to see how many ideas I've had already). I think that was the same problem with Jupiter Ascending; too much unexplained about the universe they tried to create (Earth is a farm???). But I see your point. Perhaps I'll take an extra day or two to fine tune the introduction of my next character. The start of the first main chapter will be used to give better insight and the history behind the world I'm trying to create. But that's the reason I constantly ask for comments, so viewers understand that I'm asking for help. I should probably blog about that (although I doubt it will have any effect). Thanks for the notes. If you have time, I could pm you my draft for the next chapter when it's done and you can make any necessary changes and alert me of any such changes and other things I should look out for. Again, thanks a lot.

[Burning Sunset]

I gave a thumbs up, not sure why there are down votes unless it's people who just don't like this type of story. It's pretty well written and an excellent premise for a story! It was awesomely executed and so far I love your OCs despite usually not really liking OCs as mains, you did an awesome job creating them and making them likeable so far!

[Amusementist]

500 Terabyte hardrive... 500 TERABYTE HARDRIVE! WHAT SPACE AGE ARE THESE PEOPLE LIVING IN THAT THEY CAN HAVE A 500 TERABYTE HARDIVE?! THE YEAR 99999999999999999999999999?