• Published 11th Jun 2015
  • 3,201 Views, 346 Comments

Bruce Wayne, welcome to Ponyville - ultronquake



On his way back from work Filthy Rich finds an abandoned child and decides to take him. One odd thing is the child doesn't have a pony name, Bruce Wayne, the other thing is he says he's not even a pony at all.

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Chapter eleven

Halfway through the semester, Diamond Tiara was already doing much better in school. Thanks in no small part to the help Bruce and Silver Spoon were providing, much to her surprise Randolph also had quite allot to add. Every day the butler would have a new way of explaining the lessons Diamond had struggled with in class. Using the language she understood most fluently, business jargon.

With Randolph's lessons and Bruce and Silver's help and encouragement, slowly but surely she was pulling her grades out of the mire. Now she was averaging B's instead of F's, needless to say it was doing wonders for her superiority complex. "Well everypony already knew I was the best. It just makes sense that I'll be the best at school." Diamond said smugly, as she kicked back in her school desk.

Bruce rolled his eyes, but he couldn't be mad. "So you want to be the best huh?"

"Bruce I already am the best! I'm the class alpha, I have no more enemies and I've got good grades." said Diamond.

Silver Spoon added, "Yeah Bruce, face it. Diamond's sitting on top of the world." Bruce facehoofed at this, Silver couldn't help but laugh.

Before too long Ms. Cheerilee came in and sat at her desk. She had an apprehensive look on her muzzle as she started writing on the chalkboard. When the screeching chalk stopped she stepped aside to reveal it said, 'Hearts and Hooves Day.' "Well class, I'm sure you were already looking forward to today. But before we start, we need to set some ground rules."

Bruce leaned over to Silver Spoon, "What's Hearts and Hooves Day?"

"It's a holiday where you ask somepony to be your special somepony." she whispered back.

'Oh so it's a Valentines Day rip off.' Bruce thought to himself.

"First rule, No love potions!" Cheerilee said while shooting daggers at Apple Bloom and her cohorts. "Second rule, be respectful of your fellow student's choices. If they like a colt or filly that isn't you, then be mature about it." After writing these down Cheerilee turned to her students, "And remember, to have fun!"

All the foals started running wild, scrounging up any construction paper, glitter and glue sticks they could find. Silver Spoon was carefully crafting her own heart, Bruce and Diamond seemed to be the only foals who weren't. "Hey Di, don't you have somepony you want?" asked Silver.

"As if, I'm sitting back and letting them come to me." Diamond said while tossing her mane.

"What about you Bruce?" asked Silver.

He looked up from his schoolwork, "Hmm, not really no. I don't really know any foals here except for you two and Dimple."

"Well in that case, I have something I'd like to-" Silver Spoon didn't get to finish her thought, a little filly wearing purple horn rimmed glasses was standing behind them, breathing heavily.

Bruce asked, "Can we help you?"

"*Egsh* I wa'th hoping you'd be my spe'thal sthom'pony" As Twist spat out each syllable, the filly hoofed over a lovingly crated macaroni art heart to Bruce.

"Oh, this is... nice." Bruce said, not wanting to hurt her feelings.

Just then another filly showed up, a pretty grey unicorn with blond hair, she was carrying a basket of baked goods. "My mommy always says muffins are the way to a stallion's heart. Will you be my special somepony?" Dinky asked sweetly.

'Would you just leave, I was going to ask him you doofuses!' Silver Spoon angrily thought.

Soon another unicorn filly joined in, "Say handsome, whatdya say? You, me, my mom's bottle of Applejack Daniels in the back of a stagecoach. We can make some 'Magic' if you know what I mean." Berry Pinch said while winking suggestively.

"Ms. Cheerilee I need an adult!" Bruce called for help.

Being at the front of the class had its advantages, Ms. Cheerilee quickly put an end to the harassment. "Really girls, didn't you listen at all? You need to respect your fellow students." After putting them in their place it was time to dismiss class, it was a half day holiday after all.

"Whew, that was awkward," said Bruce.

"Yeah, you think they could take a hint or something!" said Silver, she then noticed that Diamond Tiara was fuming. "You okay Di?"

"No! Where were the colts lining up wanting to be my special somepony?" asked Diamond.

"It really wasn't that fun sis, trust me." Bruce assured her.

That wasn't enough though, "How can I possibly be on top of the school if I don't even have anypony clamoring after me? Just you watch Bruce, I'll have more dates than you before the days through!" vowed Diamond, she then walked off with purpose leaving Bruce and Silver alone.

'Finally my chance!' "Um, I-" Silver got cut off again.

"Can you hold that thought? I'm supposed to go meet Dimple at Sugar Cube Corner." said Bruce.

"Oh, alright." Silver said with notable disappointment in her voice, in sadness she rested her head on the desk. She let the ornately detailed heart drift to the floor, the words of love she had spent hours thinking of were addressing only the ground.

*****

Bruce met up with Dimple at the bakery as planned, he didn't run into any more admirers, but all the way he had the most uncanny feeling he was being followed. He took a seat next to his pegasus friend and started to unwind with a milkshake, "How're you doing Dimple?"

"Not good," Dimple looked like he was going to throw up. "My dad just gave me 'The talk."

"And that's making you sick?" asked Bruce.

"No, I'm lovesick Bruce, it's awful." Dimple gagged as he spoke, "Just put me out of my misery buddy."

"It can't be that bad." said Bruce.

Dimple shook his head, "You don't understand. For us 'you know whats' lovesickness is a real condition. My dad had to explain all this to me yesterday. He said when we get old enough we start craving love, and if we can't get what we need we get sick."

This shocked Bruce, he made sure to look all around to make sure nopony was listening in. "But I thought you couldn't shape shift, why would you be affected?"

"I don't know, luck of the draw when it comes to my genes I guess. B*#@ing Chrysalis I hate genetics!" exclaimed Dimple.

Trying to lighten the mood Bruce masked his voice to sound like Crimson Rain's, "Dimple what did I say about profanity?"

"Wow, that was amazing! I swear if I wasn't looking straight at you I would have thought that was my mom's voice." this seemed to perk Dimple up a bit. "I still feel like crud though."

"Well can't you just get love from your parents?" asked Bruce.

Dimple's eyes went wide, "Whoa whoa whoa, don't go talking about this like you know everything. Romantic love and the love you get from your family are very different things."

"Sorry, forgive me for not being a love guru." Bruce said sarcastically, "Isn't there anypony you like? You could ask them to be your special somepony."

"This is the longest I've ever gotten to stay in one place, it's kind of hard to get a filly friend when you might be running for your lives the next day." Dimple shuddered as he thought about the years past. "I suppose there is one filly I've had my eyes on."

"Go on," urged Bruce.

"Don't laugh, but I think Apple Bloom is cute." said Dimple. "Plus she's got that drawl she speaks with, I don't know, I could see myself liking her."

"Then why don't you go ask her?" asked Bruce.

"Eh, we've never even hung out outside of class. It would be weird if I just came out and asked to be her special somepony." said Dimple.

"Hey, a little weirdness is better than you getting sick." Bruce reminded him. "You could try joining their club, that would be a great way to get to know Apple Bloom."

Dimple thought it over, "Alright I'll give it a shot, I don't expect much though. Say, we've done nothing but talk about my lack of a love life. Wow's yours going my friend?"

"I'm not really looking for anypony right now," Bruce stated, he then added, "That doesn't mean they aren't looking for me."

"They?" asked Dimple.

"I had three different fillies all come up to me this morning, all wanting to be my special somepony. I mean, what am I supposed to do? I don't want to hurt their feelings, but I hardly even know them." said Bruce.

"Tell me Bruce, it wouldn't happen to be Twist, Dinky and Berry would it?" asked Dimple.

"Yeah it is, but how'd you guess?" asked Bruce.

Dimple pointed behind Bruce, when he turned around Bruce was horrified to find the three were right behind him. Only a pane of glass separated Bruce from the unwanted affection. "GAH! Why are you here?!"

Dinky lifted up a huge basket of muffins, Berry pulled out a bottle of liqueur from a paper bag, Twist fogged up the window with her breath and wrote 'love you' in a big heart. Then all three started making their way to the door, Bruce panicked. "Dimple you’ve got to stall them!"

"You can count on me buddy!" said Dimple, Bruce then bolted from his seat and over the counter, through the kitchen and out the back door. Dimple ran up to meet the fillies, "Hello ladies." he said in the lamest suave voice you could imagine.

"*Egth* Wher'th Bru'th?" asked Twist.

"Bruce? He's ah, in the bathroom. Yeah in the bathroom!" said Dimple.

"Liar! I see him running away outside!" yelled Berry, the three turned and started giving chase. Dimple stopped them grabbing hold of their hooves.

"Wait don't go! I need to ... pledge my undying love to you!" He really didn't know what he was saying, it was all just on the fly.

"Undying love? But for which one of us?" asked Dinky.

"Uhh, all of you!" Dimple soon learned the hard way that was the wrong answer. After a brutal smack down he was left dazed and confused on the floor, all the fillies had left to pursue Bruce. "Sorry buddy."

*****

For her first attempt at finding a date Diamond went after a colt she knew she could get easily. That one twerp who was always playing video games, "All I have to do is wave around the new model of Joyboy and he'll be putty in my hooves." she said to herself.

He was sitting down, his eyes glued to the black and white screen, happy electronic beeping noises came from the device. He didn't even notice when she walked up right in front of him and said, "Hey there, I noticed you playing with that old thing." He didn't look up or even acknowledge Diamond's existence. "I was wondering if you wouldn't want to try out this."

She slid the new model joyboy into his hooves, when it finally registered what he was looking at Button Mash gasped. "This is the 'New Joyboy XL' It's even the limited edition bundle that came with 'Monster Hunting five penultimate'. How did you get one of these?!"

"Oh that doesn't matter, what does matter is I wanted to give it to you Button." said Diamond.

"Really?! Oh thank you! You’re the best Diamond." Button said excitedly.

"I am aren't I? There is one little thing you could do to repay me." said Diamond, he had taken the bait, now it was time to set the hook.

"Anything!"

"Would you be my very, special, somepony?" she drew closer and closer with each word until they were mere inches apart.

"Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh SWEETIE!" Button shrieked.

'Oh don't tell me-' At a high gallop Sweetie Belle came running to Button Mash's side.

"What the hay Diamond Tiara! Hooves off my coltfriend!" said Sweetie Belle, she then proceeded to tightly hug the socially inept gamer.

Diamond was about to yell back at her but she had to stop herself, 'Remember Diamond, peace treaty.' "Hi Sweetie, I didn't know you two were dating." she said forcing saccharin sweetness into her words.

"We have been for months, I find it kind of hard to believe you couldn't know." said Sweetie.

Diamond almost replied with, 'How can I be expected to keep up with everything you blank flanks do?' but she stopped herself. "I guess I've just been oblivious to the whole thing. You two being a couple is just one big happy surprise." Diamond said through gritted teeth.

"Oh, well in that case I can let it go. After all I can't blame you for liking my Button too. He is like the hunkiest colt in school." Sweetie Bell planted a little kiss on his cheek, a wobbly smile crept across his face.

Diamond felt like gagging, "Well I'll see you love birds some other time, I have to find a coltfriend." She then darted away.

"Gosh, I really like the new Diamond Tiara. I think she's really changed for the better." commented Sweetie.

"Yeah she's great, she even gave me this new Joyboy!" Button proudly showed off his prize to his fillyfriend. A few seconds later Diamond came back.

"Sorry forgot this." she swiped the game system from Button and walked away again.

The brown colt burst into tears, "Nooooooo!"

Sweetie was trying to calm him down, "There there, we'll stop by the game store and buy you a new one."

"But it was the limited edition!" Button cried out.

Peace treaty or no, Diamond still enjoyed that. "Okay 'Button Dweeb' was a bust. Who else could I go for?" Diamond said as she looked over the playground. Her focus rested on one pony in particular, "Alright Featherweight, today's your lucky day."

*****

Silver Spoon was sitting alone in a corner of the playground, lonely, listless and lovelorn. She was prodding the ground with a hoof, over all looking pathetic. Most of the foals kept their distance, after all this was Silver Spoon, one of the bullies that had made their lives a living Tartarus. But three kind souls were brave enough to venture out and talk with her.

"Hiya Silver Spoon, you doing okay?" asked Scootaloo.

"No," Silver said grumpily.

"What's the matter, can’t find a coltfriend?" said Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle gave her a little punch on the shoulder. "Sorry ah mean you having colt trouble?"

"*Sniff* Yeah." Was all Silver said.

"You wanna talk about it?" asked Scootaloo.

Silver nodded yes, "I can't stop thinking about him, he's so clever and caring and cute."

"Why don't you ask him to be your special somepony then?" asked Sweetie Belle.

"It'll never work," Silver said in a defeatist tone.

"Ya never know if you don't try," said Apple Bloom

"He doesn't even like me! The only reason he even hangs out with me is because of his sister." said Silver.

Sweetie Belle tried comforting her, "There there, I'm sure he likes you."

"No, he hates me. Every time I try to get close to him he freaks out or runs away." Silver said in despair. "I only want to be with Bruce, I just want to be happy." Tears started covering the lenses of her glasses.

Apple Bloom turned to her friends, "What d'ya say girls, want ta give Cutie Mark Crusaders: Matchmakers a second go?"

"Why not, maybe we missed some cutie mark possibilities last time." said Scootaloo.

"Yeah, and it's not like we were bad at the actual matchmaking part. Your big brother's still dating Ms. Cheerilee." said Sweetie Belle.

"Alright Cutie Mark Crusaders, let’s go!" Shouted Apple Bloom, she was then followed by a resounding "YAY!" from the others. Silver Spoon was less than impressed.

"Uh do I get a say in any of this?" asked Silver.

"Well of course ya do, Sweetie Belle's gonna help you set up the romantic setting." said Apple Bloom.

Scootaloo pulled out her stunt helmet and strapped it on, "And Apple Bloom and I are going to get your suitor and bring him to the date." She then hoofed over a helmet to Apple Bloom.

"Kicking and screaming if we have to," Apple Bloom joked.

Silver Spoon had a pressing question, "How did you already know what you were going to do? You didn't stop to talk or anything."

"We spend hours each day coming up with action plans for every contingency." said Scootaloo.

"Even me wanting to-" Scootaloo put a hoof to Silver's lips.

"Every contingency."

*****

It wasn't easy, running from a pack of love mad fillies that is. It seemed every corner he rounded Bruce was met with one of his pursuers, they had the speed and determination of hungry wolves, he only hoped they didn't have the appetites to match. For a moment it seemed he had escaped them, to be sure he was looking behind him as he ran, this led to an unfortunate collision with a pony.

"Ouch, watch where you're going ya mook." said the filly.

"You're totally right, I wasn't looking where I was walking. I'm sorry." Bruce apologized.

"Eh I'll let it slide, say you wouldn't happen to know where I can find my cousin Apple Bloom?" asked Babs Seed.

"Uh Apple Bloom-" Bruce nervously looked over his shoulder, ever vigilant for his admirers. "-Sorry don't know."

She blew the stray hairs out from in front of her eyes, "We're supposed to be hanging out today, but I don't want it to look like I can't get a date for Hearts and Hooves Day. Say, you look mighty fine, wanna come with?"

'Not another one!' Bruce thought, the sentiment that escaped his lips wasn't quite as wordy, but it still had the same jist. "AAAAHHHHGH!!!" He screamed, running away as fast as his hooves could carry him.

"Yeah well screw you too bozo!" Babs yelled, she backed it up with a rather vulgar hoof gesture that I dare not describe here.

Soon after the fillies caught back up with him, he had exhausted every hiding place he could think of, he had very nearly exhausted himself as well. From a distance two foals clad in helmets watched the ongoings with binoculars. "Well Scoots, looks like this just became a rescue mission."

Scootaloo replied, "We going Red Rider?"

"Red Rider." said Apple Bloom.

"I've always wanted to try that one out!" She then started beating her tiny wings, propelling the scooter, wagon and best friend off to Bruce. At top speed it didn't take long to catch up with the out of breath colt, Scootaloo pulled up beside him and said, "Need a lift stranger?"

"Bless you!" Bruce exclaimed as he jumped in the back. "You don't know how long I've been running from those crazy girls. Oh hey Apple Bloom, I met your cousin, she's looking for you." He neglected to mention the way in which he met her.

"Babs is already here? Ah'll have ta go find her after we get ya'll to your date." Apple Blooms words sunk into Bruce like a lead brick into pudding.

He looked over the side of the wagon, it looked to be moving about twenty or twenty five miles an hour. 'Maybe I won't die if I jump out.' He started inching to the back, his eyes darting back and forth.

"Look alive Apple Bloom he's gonna try and get away!" shouted Scootaloo.

Apple Bloom dove onto Bruce, pinning him to the metal floor. "Even if he's kicking and screaming." In her hooves she had a length of rope, she quickly had him hog tied. "There ya go you sneaky varmint. Hey Scoots, did I sound like Apple Jack or what?"

"Sure did Apple Bloom!" said Scootaloo.

From his helpless state on the floor of the wagon Bruce had plenty of time to contemplate the insanity that was quickly becoming his life. 'Am I really that attractive? Maybe I should have just said yes to one of them and none of this would have happened. *OOF*' His head banged against the metal as the cart bounced over a bump in the road.

"Sorry bout that! Were almost to the top of 'The Death Hill!" shouted Scootaloo.

A pit formed in Bruce's stomach, "Death Hill?"

"You know the one, there's a runaway taxi cab or baby carriage flying off it almost every week." said Apple Bloom, in a blasé fashion.

"If we get going fast enough, our momentum plus my wing power will carry us all the way to the Cutie Mark Crusader Clubhouse!" Scootaloo said enthusiastically.

"You mean you've done this before!?" asked Bruce.

"Tartarus no! This is the first time we're trying out Red Rider." said Scootaloo.

'So this is it, I'm really going to die. Goodbye world, I can’t say it's been nice living in you, but it's been real.' The wagon stopped at the peak of the hill.

"Wat'ya waiting for Scootaloo let's go!" said Apple Bloom.

"Just a sec, I want to make sure they can see us make this sick jump." Sure enough the three fillies were still chasing them, even to the top of the hill. "That should be far enough." With that the cart started rolling down, assisting gravity was the constant buzzing of Scootaloo's little wings.

Down the hill they went, faster than ever before. All the way to the horizontal ramp extending off the cliff face, bellow them was a fifty foot drop. Not that Bruce saw any of this, he was too busy tightly closing his eyes praying that the end would be quick and painless.

Scootaloo hadn't been spot on with her prediction of making it all the way to the clubhouse. As a matter of fact they barely made it farther than they would have had they been just riding the wagon. But in the very least her flapping saved them from meeting a squishy and messy demise. "Oh the pain, pain in my everything!" moaned Bruce.

"Quit you're groaning, you're alive aren't you?" said Scootaloo.

"Yeah, now let's get ya'll to your date!" said Apple Bloom. Bruce let out an anguished groan.

*****

The rest of the ride was miserable, all the way he couldn't help but feel like his life was spiraling out of control. As he was let up the ramp into the Cutie Mark Crusader clubhouse he thought, 'Why is this happening to me? I've never even thought about liking a pony that way. The only one I've ever come close to liking is...' There standing center stage in the candle lit tree house, there she was. "Silver Spoon."

"Hi Bruce, I'm sorry about them tying you up, I thought they were joking about that." Silver shot the crusaders a glare.

"Oh yeah, sorry bout that. Let me get you out of those." said Apple Bloom.

Sweetie Belle whispered something in Silver's ear and then joined her friends, "We'll give you two some privacy." she said as they bowed out.

Silver cautiously removed her glasses setting them on the table, she looked at him with her pretty purple eyes. "I needed you to be here, I've got something I've been wanting to say for a long time. Will you listen?"

Bruce nodded yes, "Bruce I know you don't like me but I like you, I like you like you."

"But I don't not like you." Bruce assured her.

"Then why do you freak out every time I try to get close to you?" she asked.

Try as he might Bruce couldn't find a reason. "I don't know, but I do like it whenever you come over. It's fun hanging out with you and my sis."

"Bruce can I ask you another question?" asked Silver.

Borrowing a line from his father Bruce said, "You already are."

"Oh, *Giggle.* What I wanted to know is, will you be my special somepony?" There was no falsity in her voice like from the other fillies, only an expectant sadness. As if she were afraid to hear him say no.

It was a hefty decision, as he deliberated Bruce took a good long look at Silver Spoon. He had never really noticed before, but she was quite pretty. Something about the way she tied up her grey and white mane into a ponytail was undeniably cute. Bruce felt like the world was slipping out from underneath his hooves, but he didn't mind. Right now he couldn't be happier, "Silver Spoon I have a question for you too."

"What's that?"

He took her hooves in his, "Will you be my special somepony?"

"Well duh, I'm the one who asked you first." she said sarcastically, but the sentiment wasn't lost on her. Her lips found his and she kissed him fondly thus. It was awkward and he ended up bumping her nose, but to the both of them in that moment, it was something magical.

"Yes!" Sweetie Belle shouted from outside the window.

Bruce and Silver interrupted their first kiss to yell at them, "Go away!"

Scootaloo angrily said, "Sweetie, you were supposed to stay quiet this time!"

"Sorry girls, I couldn't help it."

"Leave!" demanded Silver Spoon. "Sweet Celestia, what are we going to tell Di?"

"Sis? I don't know, I think she'll be happy for us. I wonder if she ever got a date herself?" Bruce pondered.

*****

Diamond Tiara was sitting alone at a restaurant table, she had ordered the Hearts and Hooves Day special for one. Across from her was a cardboard cut out of a colt, the only date she had been able to get. "B*#@ this holiday." she said to herself.

*****

After some more inexperienced kisses the new couple emerged from the tree house, huge grins gracing their faces. "Sooooo, I take things a good?" asked Sweetie Belle.

"There more than good, you might say there- *Gasp* Are those Cutie marks on your flanks?" Silver Spoon exclaimed.

"Really!?!" said the Cutie Mark Crusaders, who then checked their flanks saddened to discover them still blank.

"Sorry, I thought it would be nice to get your hopes up. Thanks for helping," said Silver Spoon.

They all grumbled a little at her good natured teasing, but the crusaders over all were very happy. Even if they hadn't gotten their cutie marks, they had accomplished their mission. "It was our pleasure, now if ya'll excuse me ah have to go find mah cousin." said Apple Bloom as she walked away.

"I gotta go too, don't wanna be late for my date with Button!" said Sweetie.

Bruce and Silver turned to Scootaloo expectantly, "What? I don't have anywhere to be."

"Leave!" Silver said while pointing.

"Hey it's my clubhouse, why don't you go to your place." Scootaloo said defiantly.

Bruce whispered in Silver's ear, "She has a good point."

"Alright fine, you can stay." They started walking off to Rich manor but she stopped midturn, "Thank you again, for all that you and your friends did."

"Thank you Scootaloo, Even if your driving is atrocious." Bruce said under his breath.

"Your welcome, it's just what us Cutie Mark Crusaders do. I'll see you at school tomorrow right?" asked Scootaloo.

Bruce smiled, "Yeah, you'll see us both there."

Author's Note:

I know it's not the popular opinion, but hearts and Hooves day is my favorite comedic episode of MLP.

If I were using chapter titles on this story, this one would be 'Shipping, shipping everywhere.'

I hope people aren't too upset by this departure from the norm, but after talking with co-conspirator we thought it was high time that the characters relationships got started.