I enjoyed reading this so far. However, some mistakes you've made could be affecting views. If you don't mind, let me offer you some grammar/spelling advice:
Excited to see what the town you're going to live in is like you decide to look around
. Insert comma after, "like".
Nearly as soon as you walk pass the welcoming sign, a bright blue pegasi blocks you off, looks at you and says, "I've never seen you around here before, are you the pony that bought the little house just out side the town?"
Should be its own paragraph; also, "pass" should be, "past"
Then before the conversation proceeded another pegasus overhead yelled "Rainbow Dash, you can talk later we have to get these clouds back to Cloudsdale now."
Should be its own paragraph; insert commas after, " then", "proceeded", and " yelled". Now that I think about it, I should just PM these to you. Do you mind? I hope you don't feel I'm bashing your story. It is splendid, but to benefit you, I can offer help. If you want it, of course.
good first chapter, also this story is definitely getting a thumbs up
I don't know why, either that flutters is my favorite, or that this is a really good fic, but I love this!!
I enjoyed reading this so far. However, some mistakes you've made could be affecting views. If you don't mind, let me offer you some grammar/spelling advice:
.
Insert comma after, "like".
Should be its own paragraph; also, "pass" should be, "past"
Should be its own paragraph; insert commas after, " then", "proceeded", and " yelled".
Now that I think about it, I should just PM these to you. Do you mind? I hope you don't feel I'm bashing your story. It is splendid, but to benefit you, I can offer help. If you want it, of course.
I don't normally read M rated but this is good.