I think this is worth tracking, but not near a fav yet, It needs to be cleaned up a little. Also, you need to take out the notes you put in the story, because if you're making a serious story, those kind of things can take you out of it. If you really want to keep them, then put footnote markers where the notes are and move the notes down to the author's notes.
Yeah, Definitely take out the notes. You've got an interesting idea, plenty of build up.... You could use a little bit more description and personal thoughts between all the dialogue, but the plot seems enjoyable, and while the story is kind of campy, you're not apologizing for that, so it works really well. Interested to see how this turns out.
I like dark stuff... so have a like!
I think this is worth tracking, but not near a fav yet, It needs to be cleaned up a little. Also, you need to take out the notes you put in the story, because if you're making a serious story, those kind of things can take you out of it. If you really want to keep them, then put footnote markers where the notes are and move the notes down to the author's notes.
Yeah, Definitely take out the notes. You've got an interesting idea, plenty of build up.... You could use a little bit more description and personal thoughts between all the dialogue, but the plot seems enjoyable, and while the story is kind of campy, you're not apologizing for that, so it works really well. Interested to see how this turns out.
you repeated the same lines