The Friendship Detection Agency (FDA)

by FlareGun45

Catching the Train

I followed the Androsphinx dealer, Hufflegulf, across town without him knowing that Apple Fritter and I were on his tail, or should I say, two carriage-lengths away. He eventually stopped at one of the bad neighborhoods in the east part of town, down an alleyway between two crummy apartment buildings. I pulled over the carriage down at the curve up ahead. “Ya know, ah could’ve used the automatic for this carriage.” Apple Fritter said.

“That would leave to some suspicions.” I said. “We’re following these Androsphinx, aren’t we?”

“Yeah, but…” Apple Fritter said as she paused and looked behind us. “What makes you think we’re not bein’ followed?”

“What do you mean?” I asked as I looked behind us and saw a black carriage van behind us. Nopony was pulling it.

“They seem to have an automatic.” Apple Fritter said.

“You think the mission is going to be compromised for that?” I asked.

“Ah’ll keep an eye on it at the same time, eavesdrop on the deal goin’ on at the alleyway.” Apple Fritter said as she takes out some equipment and starts up with the frequency so she can hear the deal going on in the alley.

“You got the stuff?” a pony asked.

“That depends on the stuff you’re talking about.” Hufflegulf said.

“The poofy stuff.” The pony said.

“Yeah… yeah I got the poofy stuff.” Hufflegulf said. “Do you have the money?”

“Can I see the stuff first?” the pony asked.

“What makes you think I have them with me?” Hufflegulf asked.

“How would you know if I have the money with me?” the pony asked.

“Look, buddy, I’m an honest business Androsphinx. I’m selling illegal stuff, but the thing is, I’m doing it right. My organization has more money that we could deal with.” Hufflegulf said.

“So does mine. I’m part of the biggest mob in all of Equestria. We own the Commission, this stuff will make the Commission more powerful than the EUP and the princesses put together.” The pony said.

“Look, I don’t care what you do in your free time. We don’t care about Equestria. We just run a legitimate business.” Hufflegulf said.

“I thought you said your organization was illegal?” the pony asked.

“Illegal on Equestrian soil, not illegal where we’re from. Now if you’re really going to waste my time with this, I could just go away. I have other customers waiting.” Hufflegulf complained.

“Fine, if you’re really legitimate, tough guy…” the mobster started as he shows the Androsphinx the briefcase full of money. “Tens to twenties, used. 5 million bits, for your 20 kilos of Centaur Dust!”

“Centaur Dust?” Apple Fritter asked.

“What’s Centaur Dust?” I asked.

“Dust from a Centaur.” Apple Fritter teased.

“No, DOY! I mean what’s so special about it?” I asked.

“Not sure. Hafta wait till we get back to Headquarters to know what it actually is.” Apple Fritter said.

“Thank you!” the mobster pony said as he takes the jar of dust. “This will really come in handy for our day’s ahead!”

“The pleasure is all mine!” Hufflegulf said. “Now run along. Don’t tell anypony about this meet.”

“Never met you, never bought anything from you, never gave you this sweet amount of bits.” The mobster said, giving Hufflegulf the briefcase.

“Pleasure not doing business!” Hufflegulf said. The mobster then walks away with the dust.

“Ok, now it’s our turn.” I said. “I’m going to go see the dealer, buy the stuff, you record the conversation, maybe it’ll give us some clues, and then we’ll take the stuff back to HQ for analysis.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Apple Fritter agreed.

“Just let me make sure-“ I started, but then I stopped after something startling pops up. The van from behind us ends up in front of us, and then agents come out and point their weapons at the dealer.

“FREEZE!” one of the agents yelled. “You are coming with us! Time to teach you what it means to have harmony, bucko!”

“AAH! The FDA! Go away you chumps!” Hufflegulf yelled.

“FDA?!” the agent asked as he started laughing. “Do we look like a bunch of sissies to you? We are the DIF, the Disharmony Investigation Force! We will guarantee you that you will learn friendship even if it kills you!”

“HEY!” I yelled. “Do you mind? We’re trying to solve a case here!”

“Snooze you lose, FDA suckers!” the agent taunted at us. “Maybe next time you’d know that force is the way to go, not ‘buying’ this stuff for research!”

“Hey for all we know, they could be one of them corrupted agents.” One of the agents assumed. “Yeah, using the evidence for black-mail, or using the powerful stuff for your own purposes!”

“Corrupted agents?” I asked.

“Sadness to say, Jer, but not all of the FDA agents believe in what’s right.” Apple Fritter said to me. “There are some corrupted agents in our ranks. Some are undercover DIF, some are criminals, but that doesn’t mean the DIF doesn’t have corrupted units in their rank!”

“At least most of us have fun with our job! We know exactly what to do, and we are five times more successful in our missions than you are!” one of the agents yelled.

“Agent Eclipse Norton…” Apple Fritter started. “It’s been too long.” Agent Eclipse Norton is a light blue unicorn with a gray mane and his cutie mark was a computer with a parasite on it.

“Yesssss. It has, hasn’t it?” a kiwi-green Pegasus with a brown mane and snake-eyed dice for a cutie mark said. He also seemed to have a lazy eye.

“Snake Eyes!” Apple Fritter said.

“Your organization issssss doomed!” Snake Eyes said. “We can sssssee… everythiiiing!”

“Doesn’t that get annoying from time to time?” I asked.

“It does.” Apple Fritter said.

“Is he ok?” I asked.

“Look, we have no time for this.” Eclipse Norton said. “We have to turn this pony in and give him harmony. We don’t need to waste our time socializing with our rivalry.”

“Norton, if you’re really going to make it in this world, you have to know how thingsssss work. We have to taunt our enemies before humiliating them.” Snake Eyes said.

“They may be our rivalry Snake, but they aren’t our enemies. We’re trying to spread harmony across Equestria.” Norton said.

“You newbiesssss are all the same!” Snake said.

“I’ve been in this organization for a few months already and so far I’ve proven myself to be a successful agents. Don’t forget about that.” Norton said.

“You and me both, mate.” I said. “I’ve been in the FDA for a while and I too have proven myself.”

“Take thissssss Androsssssphinx into the van and take all hisssss dark magic in for evidenccccccce.” Snake ordered his agents as they did so. The difference between the FDA agents and the DIF agents is that the FDA wears black tuxedos with sunglasses like Ponies in Black, while the DIF usually wear blue and don’t believe in cool sunglasses, which sucks really. “I will be ssssssseeing you around FDL!” Snake said as he takes the stuff and the Androsphinx, and the agents all drive away from the scene.

“GAH DARN IT!” Apple Fritter cried. “The DIF beat us to it again, them rascals!”

“Again?” I asked.

“Yeah, them varmints have been stealing our missions for a looooong time.” Apple Fritter said. “The DIF lately have been getting more harmony missions done than us FDA folk. It’s no use. The FDA is really goin’ downhill because of the DIF.”

”Or DIB.” I said.

“Until they start doin’ things differently, ah’m still callin’ them DIF.” Apple Fritter said.

“So why don’t we do anything about it?” I asked.

“What do ya mean?” Apple Fritter asked.

“Why don’t we go find the dust and the Androsphinx and bring them to our HQ?” I asked.

“Cause that’s stealin’.” Apple Fritter said.

“The DIF just stole merchandise from the Sphinxes. The plan is: we find the merchandise AND Hufflegulf, we pay Hufflegulf for the product, and then we’ll try to give him harmony the right way. If we rescue him from the DIF, we’d be rescuing him from a terrible fate.” I explained.

“But it’s against both of our codes to go against a rival agency in physical force.” Apple Fritter said. “The FDA and the DIF, it’s against both of the agencies’ rules to steal from a rival agency.”

”Oi, hang on a minute, Agent Fritter!” I stopped her. “You just told me the DIF stole missions from the FDA, did you not?”

”Ah was talkin’ hypothetically.” Apple Fritter admitted. “Ah only say that cause the DIF always beat us to it. While we wait to pounce into action, the DIF always seem to burst in and spoil it for us. The DIF seems to know everythin’ we’re tryin’ to do before we actually do it.”

”Well it’s time to make a change.” I said. “We’re going to find the merchandise and Hufflegulf, and bring them both to our custody. We’ll buy the stuff, and then we’ll try to change the Androsphinx to use his power for good. For saving his life, he’d be grateful, so it would be more of a chance of him joining our side.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea, sugarcube?” Apple Fritter asked. “It seems that we be causing corruption within our ranks.”

”If that’s what it takes, then so be it. We’d be corrupted for a good reason, not for a bad one.” I said.

“Well, ah guess if you put it that way, it’s worth a shot.” Apple Fritter said.

“Don’t worry! We’ll go in, get the merchandise, find Hufflegulff, bring them both out to our custody, and then HQ will take it from there. We’ll be in and out before anypony spots us!” I said.

“Well if you want stealth, ah would suggest Merry May for that.” Apple Fritter suggested.

“No time for Merry May, we have to handle this ourselves. Hopefully they haven’t made it to DIF Headquarters yet.” I said.

“We can try disguisin’ ourselves as DIF agents and take the stuff while they don’t notice.” Apple Fritter suggested. “As a safety precaution though we can try brainwashin’ them.” Apple Fritter takes out some stick thing with an orb on top and a rainbow inside it out of her jumpsuit pocket and shows it to me.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“Well you know the brain controlling thingy from the movie Ponies in Black?” Apple Fritter asked.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“That’s what this is.” She said. “We flash them with this thing and we tell them somethin’ to make them think it’s true.”

”Sounds DIF.” I said.

“It’s only temporary.” She said. “They’ll be back to their old selves in no time. Hey, if we’re lucky, it might persuade them to change their ways.”

”Wait a minute. I remember an agent back at the Mareami bank heist with something similar to this.” I said.

“Oh?” she asked.

“Yeah, the agent shot a dart at the robber, and it turned him friendly.” I said.

“Ah, the dart! That’s one of the older models.” Apple Fritter said. “Most agents don’t use that anymore, but some still do, like the agent ya met at the heist.”

“Alright, it’ll come in handy.” I nodded. “Now we should really catch up to those DIF agents. I think I might know a shortcut that will-“ just then, my ear piece started beeping. “Whoa! Wow! This thing is loud!”

“It’s supposed to help in case an agent is at someplace loud like in a rock concert.” Apple Fritter said.

I pressed the button on the ear piece and I said, “Yeah, this is Agent Jam.”

“Jam? It’s Agent May.” Merry said on the ear piece.

“What’s up, love?” I asked.

“Did you get the stuff and the dealer?” she asked.

“I thought you weren’t gonna contact me?” I asked.

”Well, I eavesdropped on some of these Sphinxes and they found out that their dealer and the stuff was captured by DIF agents.” Merry said.

“You heard correct!” I said. “We’re about to go get them.”

”Are you crazy? It’s against the rules to cross a rival agency!” Merry reminded me.

“Yeah… Agent Fritter told me.” I said with an attitude.

”Was just thinkin’ of your own well-bein’, sugarcube.” Apple Fritter said.

“I know of the risks and consequences, Mer, but… when it’s time to slam, we gotta welcome them to the Jam!” I said mischievously.

“Can’t argue with that logic!” Apple Fritter said.

“Well… if you’re absolutely certain…. I heard that the Sphinx Cartel is planning a rescue operation. They know Hufflegulf is heading to the trainstation. The DIF is taking the ‘package’ to their headquarters in Canterlot. You know what to do.” Merry said.

“Doesn’t Canterlot have their own agency? A minor one?” I asked.

“That doesn’t mean the DIF don’t interfere.” Merry said. “I have a friend in Ponyville that works at that agency, y’know? That agency mainly focuses on monsters. We handle legal problems from intelligent cultural species.”

“Thank you, Agent May! I really appreciate the info!” I said.

“No problem! Agent May out.” She concluded the conversation.

I ended the call and I said to Apple Fritter, “Ok, so they’re heading to their headquarters in Canterlot. They’re going by train.”

”Well then… it’s time for a train heist!” Apple Fritter said mischievously as her face turned shadowy and suspenseful music played in the background. “Uh, Jer?”

”Sorry.” I said as I turned off my iPod. “Anyways, heists are my specialty! We’ll be able to get through this no problem! Just follow my lead!”

”Ah’ve been in this agency longer. Ah should be in charge.” Apple Fritter complained.

I sighed and shook my head. “You and Merry May both with that ‘in charge’ rubbish.”

So Apple Fritter and I rushed over to the trainstation to catch our train to Canterlot, but when we got there, the train was already leaving the station, along with Hufflegulf the dust inside. “Follow that train!” Fritter cried as she and I hopped on a scooter and started riding through the train tracks, following the train. We were riding the scooter all the way to the train as the train was about to go up to full speed. “Faster, Jer! Faster!” Fritter cried.

“This thing can only go so fast!” I yelled. “Don’t worry, we’ll catch up to it.” I was going full speed with the scooter trying to catch up to the train, and luckily, no DIF agents spotted us. I was getting closer to the train, but since this is a two-way track, another train from the other side was charging towards us.

“WATCH OUT, JER! INCOMIN’ TRAIN!” Fritter cried out.

“Ow! Do you have to yell in my ear?!” I yelled.

“Yer hearin’ is less important than our lives.” Fritter said.

“Yeah, gee thanks.” I said. Once the train went by, it made us go a bit behind, so we had a lot of cover to get through before reaching the train, but just like that, we’re back on track. No pun intended. After a little while with chasing the train, things have started going into our favor when a downhill was approaching.

“Downhill! This is mah chance to jump on the train once we get to high speeds!” Fritter said.

“Sounds like a jolly good enough plan than any. Let’s do it!” I said.

“Bein’ on the west coast has its advantages!” Fritter said. So I started speeding down the hill chasing after the train, and I gotta say, we’re really doing it. We’re really catching up with the train. I was really focused on it as Apple Fritter started standing up behind me so she can jump onto the train. “Oh did ah mention ah’m bad at acrobatic stunts?”

“You telling me now?” I asked. “You wanna switch places?”

“Nah, just get me to the side of the train. Ah’ll jump from there.” Fritter said.

“Ok, I- WHOA!” I yelled as I started losing control of the scooter. I was going too fast and I was looking at Fritter the whole time that the scooter crashes onto the back of the train, which causes me to lose control of the scooter and we start rolling down the hill from the other side. Luckily it wasn’t snowing, otherwise we’d have a huge flank snowball, we would. Once we rolled down the hill, we saw the train going by and start to disappear over the horizon as it drives up another hill.

“Perfect, Jer! Just perfect! All we had to do, was follow the dogon train, Jerry!” Fritter yelled at me.

“We know where it’s heading though. It’s going to Canterlot, we’ll catch up to it.” I said.

“With this thing?” Fritter asked as she pointed to the broken scooter.

“Unless you have a better idea.” I said. “Betcha can’t fix it.”

“Shoot! Ah can easily fix it! Child’s play!” Fritter said. “But the metal of the wheel cap is bent and ah don’t have mah unbender with me.”

“Unbender?” I asked.

“Yeah, it’s a type of robot ah made.” Fritter said. “Unbender is a nice robot. He pays for whatever he buys, including a tip, and he is powered by vegetable juice, and his catch phrase is: ‘kiss my dirty rustic face’.”

“Sounds like a cool robot. So if we can’t use the scooter, then we can try a technique I do whenever I’m into a situation like this.” I said.

“Will it get us to Canterlot fast?” Fritter asked.

“It varies.” I said.

“What sort of strategy do you have then, sugarcube?” Fritter asked. Just then, we ended up hitchhiking along the highway. “This is yer plan?”

“It’s the best I have. I never tried this way before.” I said.

“Ah thought you said you use this strategy when yer in a situation like this?” Fritter asked.

“I never went through a situation like this before though. General Lee NEVER crashes!” I said.

So eventually, we did hitch a ride with a carriage pulling a gooseneck trailer, but we had to sit in the back with the cattle. “So… are you afraid of snakes?” a cow asked.

“Don’t go bringing that subject up again, Mooriella!” another cow instructed her friend. “You’re going to start up another stampede, doncha know?”

After a while of travelling, the carriage dropped us off near Canterlot on the way to Ponyville. “Might as well see mah cousins and granny while we’re here.” Fritter said.

“No time for that. The train is most likely at the station already, if it isn’t at least almost there.” I said.

“We should hurry then.” Fritter said.

“But what’s the plan?” I asked. “Are we going to ambush them?”

“Hey, ah’m the technician supervisor. Yer the smart one, aren’t ya, partner?” Fritter asked.

“That’s true.” I nodded. I started to think to myself, and I suddenly hatched an idea in my brain. “I got an idea, but first, do you know the train schedule?”

“I believe ah shot a glimpse of it. It said it would be at Canterlot by 1 PM.” Fritter said.

“That’s a half-hour away, probably didn’t even reach the mountain yet.” I said. “This is perfect then! We’ll camp ourselves on the top of a tunnel and jump onto the train as it goes into the tunnel.”

“Bad idea.” Fritter said.

“Why?” I asked.

“It’s better to jump onto the train as it goes OUT of the tunnel. If it goes in, we might slide off when it hits the rock wall.” Fritter pointed out.

“Good point.” I nodded. “Then we’ll go to an out tunnel.”

“Good plan!” Fritter agreed. “We’ll need a grapplin’ hook though. Have one on you?”

“No… do you?” I asked.

“Course ah do!” Fritter said. “Ah only have one though. That’s why ah was askin’ if you had one.”

“Guess we’ll share it.” I said. So we went up the mountain that leads to Canterlot, but we used the grappling hook as a shortcut to get to one of the out tunnels. “I hope your grappling hook skills is better than my scooter skills.”

“Oh I had tons of practice!” Fritter said. “What’s yer story?”

“I drove a scooter before, but there was a lot of reckless turning. Takes practice to drive on a straight line. Besides, you distracted me.” I said.

“Did you also know we could’ve contacted Merry May if we needed a ride to Canterlot?” Fritter reminded me.

“Oh I didn’t wanna bother her. She was busy looking after the Sphinx freighter.” I said.

“Yer learnin’ a lot from the FDA, Jer, but if somethin’ is important, like an emergancy, they should to take time off their busy schedule to assist us.” Fritter said.

“I guess, or we could’ve just contacted the FDA.” I said.

“That would’ve worked too.” Fritter said.

“Oh shhh.” I shushed her as I heard a whistle echo through the tunnel. “I hear the train coming.”

“So we doin’ stealth?” Fritter asked.

“Probably not. When we jump on the train, somepony’s gonna hear that.” I said.

“Leave that to me.” Fritter said mischievously. So the train started driving out of the tunnel and Fritter releases the grappling hook and we fall right on top of the caboose. “Now!” she yells.

“You’re supposed to say ‘now’ before you let go!” I reminded her.

“What was that?” a DIF agent asked from inside the train.

“Check the top.” Another agent said.

“Why do I have to do it?” the first agent asked.

“Let’s play rock, paper, scissors, and then loser gets to check.” The second agent suggested.

“No way, we always tie!” the first agent said.

“Fine, I’ll look.” The second agent complained as he walks over to the end of the caboose and checks on top of the car to see what happened, just then, the agent gets smashed in the face and collapsed on the end caboose floor.

The first agent looks over and says, “I told you to watch out for those train signals, buddy. It’s never safe up there on the roofs.” And then on the other side of the car, Fritter and I drop down to sneak into the train car in front of the caboose, leaving the two agents there unsuspicious. So far so good!

Over in the next train car, there was only one agent guarding it. It would seem there was nothing valuable in here. Just a bunch of top secret crates; nothing we’re looking for. I was about to sneak up on the agent, wanting to knock him out, but then Fritter gets ambushed behind her by hidden agent. “AH HA! Gotcha now!” the agent said mischievously. “Think I didn’t notice you behind me once my friend got knocked out? I’m no fool!”

“Should I press the alarm button?” the agent I was sneaking on asked.

“No you don’t. You’re supposed to sit here and have tea with the intruders.” The agent that captured Fritter said sarcastically.

“I like tea!” the other agent said.

“Oh, me too! Me too!” I said excitedly.

“Ah don’t have time for this.” Fritter said in an irritated tone as she picks up the agent behind her and throws him towards the agent in front of me. Luckily I crouch out of the way so it hits the other agent, and not me.

“Nice one!” I said excitedly.

“Thanks! We should hurry and find Hufflegulf and the dust so we can get outta here before the train reaches the station.” Fritter suggested.

“Are we gonna have tea?” I asked.

“Later.” Fritter said as she led the way this time to the next car. When we got there, there were three agents guarding, but we checked to see if there were any hidden ones, but I doubt they’d give us that trick twice, because that’s what they expect us to do. “Alright ah have somethin’. Hang back.” Fritter instructed me.

“Got it.” I agreed.

So Apple Fritter sneaks over to the three agents talking to eachother with their backs turned from her. They were facing the other end of the car. Fritter sneaks up behind them while climbing on a few crates. Fritter then taps one of the agents in the back and hides within the crates. “What is it, man?” one of the agents asked the other one.

”What?” the other one asked.

“You tapped me.” The first agent said.

“No I didn’t!” the other one said.

“YOU CALLING ME A LIAR?!” the first agent yelled.

Do you think the second agent should say,
A: Well, I ain’t callin’ you a truther!
B: I ain’t callin’ you for dinner!
C: Yes.

“Yes.” The second agent said. Wow…. you didn’t even try to be clever. So long story short, the agents all tazed themselves, which only left the third agent standing.

“I hate being left out.” The third agent said as he tazed himself.

“Well… that went rather well.” Fritter said awkwardly.

So Fritter walks over to the other end of the car and slides open the door, and then suddenly I pop down from the top of the car and go, “Boo!”

”Whoa! What in tarnation?!” Fritter cried.

“Startled you, didn’t I, love?” I asked mischievously.

“What are you doing, Jer? I thought ya were behind me?” Fritter asked.

“I didn’t wanna bother you but I thought climbing through the top would’ve been easier. Won’t lead to any suspicions of passed out bodies.” I suggested. “It’s a risk, I know, but if you’re quick enough, you’ll- WHOA! OW!” I yelled as I fell from the top of the top of the train and landed on the boxcar connector. “Yeah like that.”

”Yeah, no thanks, Jer. Ah prefer going through the cars. It’s safer.” Fritter said.

“Suit youself.” I shrugged. So we headed to the next car, and I was about to open it, but Fritter stopped me.

“Wait, hang on.” Fritter said, moving my hoof away from the door.

“What?” I asked.

“The door’s booby trapped. Ah can see a strange glow from the knob.” Fritter pointed out.

“Good call.” I said. “So what do we do?”

”Lemme use mah X-ray goggles to see.” Fritter said as she puts on a pair of reading glasses.

“Hey isn’t that the glasses we use to read hidden FDA notes?” I asked.

“Ah modified mine for X-ray vision.” Fritter said. “It’s pretty much child’s play. If these glasses could see hidden messages, X-ray vision is just a hop, skip, and a screwdriver away.”

“Jolly!” I said.

“Hufflegulf’s in this car, and so is the Centaur dust. If we could find a way inside, we can get them both out and report back to HQ and be able to go home in time for supper.” Fritter said.

“I wonder the difference between ‘supper’ and ‘dinner’ is?” I asked.

“Supper’s an early light meal, while dinner’s a late-night heavy meal.” Fritter said.

“Makes sense.” I nodded. “Ponies ate less back in the early 1900s.” So Fritter took out a hairpin from her mane and started picking the lock on the train door. “A lockpick? Really? You’re a technician supervisor and you use a lockpick?”

“Ah’m a mare full of surprises, aren’t ah?” Fritter asked.

“I guess.” I said.

“Done!” Fritter said as the door unlocks, but it triggers a trap, and Fritter gets electrocuted.

“Whoa! You alright?” I asked.

Fritter started coughing and she said, “Dem security system’s tough. It’s Appleloosan tough! Well ah ain’t goin’ down without a fight! Burnt up or not burnt up!”

“I think that’s what they expect us to do.” I said.

“What do ya mean?” Fritter asked.

Meanwhile, inside the train car, DIF agents Snake Eyes and Eclipsed Norton were interrogating with Hufflegulf. “Ssssssso, you trying to be funny with me, buddy?” Snake Eyes asked Hufflegulf who was all tied up on a chair.

“Maybe.” Hufflegulf admitted.

“Alright, I’m going to asssssssk you very niccccccccely. Tell me information on your cartel.” Snake Eyes demanded.

“That’s you being nice? I can’t wait to see mean you!” Hufflegulf teased. Snake Eyes then sighed and dumped a bucket of ice water on Hufflegulf’s head. “AAAAAH! OH THAT’S SO COLD!”

“It’s for a good caussssssssse.” Snake Eyes said. “Now quit being funny! Give us the information on your cartel, and we’ll ensure you that you will be converted.”

“Converted?” Hufflegulf asked.

“Gain harmony. Not do bad thingssssssss. For the sake of the people in Equestria and perhaps all around the world.” Snake Eyes said.

“And you’re gonna force me to reform just like that? I don’t think it works that way.” Hufflegulf said.

Snake Eyes hissed at him while spraying saliva on him in the process and said, “You think you’re the exssssssssspert here? Who’sssss the one with the badge?” Snake Eyes then takes out his badge and shows it to Hufflegulf. “Ssssee this badge? I am a professional defender of peacssssse in Equestria. What do you have?”

“A Cheesecake Factory gift card AND a PF Changs gift card!” Hufflegulf said mischievously.

Snake Eyes and Eclipse Norton both gasped. Eclipse then said, “Whoa! Now that’s rare! You could have one or the other, but it’s very rare to see a pony have both!”

“I’m not a pony though.” Hufflegulf reminded him.

“Whatever! A bunch of giftcardssss ain’t gonna change anything!” Snake Eyes said. “Now I’m giving you one last chance! Give us the information on the Sphinx Cartel!”

“You know nothing about them.” Hufflegulf said.

“I’m ready to learn!” Snake Eyes said.

“They are none of your concern.” Hufflegulf said.

“Oh but they are! Tell ‘em, Norton!” Snake Eyes requested.

“Why ask me to do something when you could do it yourself?” Norton asked.

“Caussssse, you’re here with me for a reason! Not ssssstand in the corner lounging and watching for your entertainment!” Snake Eyes reminded him.

Norton then sighed and began to explain, “The Centaur dust you contain is an illegal substance on Equestrian soil. It can cause unicorn magic spells to be incredibly unstable. It’s like unicorn magic steroids.”

“It’ssss not just about unicorn magic, issss it, Hufflegulf?” Snake Eyes asked him.

“It also works on pegasi magic. The way they operate weather, or fly in high speeds. It can be incredibly unstable.” Norton explained. “And for Earth ponies…. well…. just be glad Las Pegasus has Earthquake proof buildings.”

“But we’re not in LP anymore.” Snake Eyes reminded him. “We’re in Canterlot.”

“And you want him to know?” Norton asked.

“Oh…. poopy.” Snake said in defeat. “Forget all that I said, kid!”

”Forget what?” Hufflegulf asked.

Snake then punches Hufflegulf in the face and yells, “NOPONY FORGETSSSSSTUFF THAT EASY!”

”What’s your problem, bucko?!” Hufflegulf complained.

“WHY I OUTTA-“ Snake yelled as he was about to smack Hufflegulf.

“Snake! Calm down!” Norton instructed him. “We’re trying to force him harmony and give us information, but we don’t need to bully the poor sap.”

”Norton, we’re the DIF. I know you’re new to thisssss whole agency thing, but we’re in control.” Snake explained. “As long as we do our job, nopony cares. We can even place a weapon near a griffon and arrest them for carrying it around.”

”That is so offensive!” Norton said. “Besides I’m just a Witness Protection Agent. Interrogating is your department.”

”You’re a good kid, Eclipse. You’ll make a great agent! Sticking to your job. I like that!” Snake said.

“Well you better do your job before he gets up and walks away.” Norton said. Snake them turns around and sees him still tied up on the chair.

“Nope, ssstill there!” Snake said. He then looks back at Norton and said, “By the way, how’s your new client coming along?”

”Best client ever!” Norton said. “Only client ever to be exact.”

“Alright well let’sss just get this done.” Snake said as he turns back to the empty chair behind him. “Oh NOW he’sss gone.”

”You had your chance.” Norton said.

“I ssssuppose I blame myself for that.” Snake said. “Or I can jusssst blame you caussse I can.”

”I don’t care really, I’m selfless.” Norton shrugged. Snake smiles and nods, but they were so distracted that we were already off the train. In fact we already hitched-hiked and got a ride back to LP. In fact… in fact… umm… yeah that’s it pretty much. I was gonna say we were back in LP back in HQ, and then got our reward and left, but then I’ll be lying. I’m lying now as a matter of fact. We were still on the train. In fact, we didn’t even go in the car yet. Hufflegulf just untied himself and walked out as Fritter and I walked on top of the train to get to the other side to sneak up on the DIF.

“Oh… hey.” I said.

“Hey.” Hufflegulf said.

“We were just about to rescue you.” Fritter said.

“Rescue?” Hufflegulf asked

“Yeah, we were going to rescue you, invert you to becoming good the right way, and buying your dust so we can analysis it. So… here.” I gave Hufflegulf the money we were going to pay him.

“Oh…” Hufflegulf said. “Ok. Well that saves me from taking all this dust off this train and back on the ship. As long as I got the money, I really care.”

”But your operation will go down, did you know that?” Fritter asked.

“I’m tired of being a cartel dealer anyway.” Hufflegulf admitted. “I knew I’d get caught sooner or later, and agents like you… from whatever agency you’re from, it taught me a little something. There are some honest ponies out there doing good honest work, so you pretty much reformed me.”

”Oh…” I said. “Well that makes our work much easier.”

”Mhm.” Hufflegulf nodded. “Well… pleasure doing business.” He then jumps off the train with the money, leaving us to deal with the supply of dust inside the train. Now all there’s left to do is deal with Norton and Snake.

Fritter and I headed inside the train car, and the duo spots us. “Well we might not have the sssslithering sssssnake, but we still have the dussst.” Snake said to Norton, and then he said to us, “You FDA fools sure have grown some guts. You decided to break into our train and steal what is rightfully ours?”

”To investigate. Ours to investigate.” Norton added.

“Whatever.” Snake said. “Isn’t it against FDA regulations to trespass on rival agency properties and steal their evidence?”

”It was our evidence first, you varmint!” Fritter yelled. “Y’all just swifter on in and arrested Hufflegulf and stole his merchandise! What makes you any better?”

”This stuff is illegal on Equestrian soil. We needed to act.” Norton said. “It’s not that we stole your evidence; you were just up high,” Norton clops his hooves together above his head, “down low,” he does it again but lower, “and too slow.” He clops his hooves together slowly, and then makes an explosion-blowing sound as he splits his hooves apart.

“Ssssso, what will your agency think about you violating their policy? Hmm?” Snake asked.

“Well as I recall, it’s not just us violating our policy.” I said. “It’s also you. You stole merchandise from someone.”

”It’s illegal on Equestrian sssoil though. Did I not sssay that?” Snake asked.

“His hissing sounds is startin’ to irritate me.” Fritter said.

“Doesn’t really matter though. I’ve read the FDA and DIF policies. We are not cops. We’re not supposed to steal merchandise. We’re anti-disharmony agencies the two of us.” I explained. “We may not share the same ways to bring harmony to others, but we do share the same policies. By law: you disregarded your policy, and the FDA had to act.”

“Ssssso what are you going to do? Hmm? Steal the dust from us? You’d be no better.” Snake pointed out.

“On the contrary, once Huflegulf left, we paid him. So legally, the dust is ours.” I said.

“But wait a minute… if we know what this dust is, why are we bringin’ it back to base then?” Fritter asked.

“Huh?” I asked.

“The director said to bring the dust in for anaylis on finding out what it is. We know what it is. We don’t need it anymore.” Fritter reminded me.

“Really?” I asked.

“Yes, REALLY!” Fritter said.

“You mean… we came all this way for nothing?” I asked.

“Actually no. You see, we did somethin’ no FDA member has done before! We taught the DIF a lesson! Even the government has limits.” Fritter explained. “We know these two are crooked agents.”

“Callin’ me a crooked agent?” Norton asked. “I’m just a Witness Protection Agent.”

“Who do you witness protect?” I asked.

“That is none of your concern, Agent Jam. Especially you!” Norton said.

“Especially me?” I asked.

“Oh no… I said too much.” Norton said.

“Is that you in the corner? Is that you in the spotlight?” I teased.

“Take the dust and get outta here. You win this time, FDA.” Norton admitted.

“You just going to let him take it!? You useless chump?!” Snake yelled at Norton.

“It’s only one mission, Snake.” Norton said to him. Norton then glared at us and demanded, “What are you two waiting for? Hearth’s Warming? Take the dust and get outta here!”

”I want to hear what you mean by ‘especially me’!” I demanded.

“Forget it, Jer. We broke enough rules today. Forcin’ someone to talk, that just takes it over the limit.” Fritter said to me. I guess she was right. Perhaps I’ll find out another time. We won this round. So we were able to take the dust and return to HQ. Even though our mission was successful, I have a bad feeling on what the director is going to say to us. I fear for the worst.

Author's Note:

I wish I could make these chapters sooner, but you know, writer's block. I wanna make sure this story is... well not perfect, but decent enough for me to post. This chapter seemed longer than I thought cause I was going to add the... well the beginning of the next chapter in here, but no room, so I'll add it in the next chapter, as well as the end to this arc.

Eclipse Norton is obviously a nod to Dave Norton from GTA 5, and Snake Eyes... well I'm not sure how he's like Steve other than his corruption, but I guess it's close enough.