The Friendship Detection Agency (FDA)

by FlareGun45

Welcome to the Jam!

Oi, mates! My name is Jerry Jam, and this is my short spin-off story on how I became a member of the Friendship Detection Agency, otherwise known as the FDA. Before joining the FDA, I lived in Mareami with my family. We Jams own the land of Mareami because we were the first to be here during after the Disharmony Wars. After my ancestors moved here, a little while after, two other family clans came to this land and claimed it as theirs – the Guns, and the Leafhorns. They fought for the land, but after Colonel Machine Gun kills Colonel Weed Leafhorn in an act of self-defense, Blueberry Jam, my ancestor, he stopped the battle because both of them were on his property. He forced the Guns and the Leafhorns to broker a truce, and Mareami was built around us. We knew how the story went; the Guns are the reasonable, yet strange ponies, while the Leafhorns are corrupted for power. It’s been going that way for generations to come. It’s been that way today too.

I was with my reckless orange friend named General Lee, yes like the one from the movie, and we were at school on our way to our next class after lunch. “So you should’ve seen me that day, Jer!” General Lee said.

“I was there, mate.” I reminded him. “You’re the best at outrunning cops. I’ll tell you that much, General Lee!”

“Ah’m the best as a driver, plus a hacker, while you, Orange Swirl, and Cesaer Salad handle the hard robbing work.” General Lee said. Oh right, I never mentioned that, didn’t I? I used to be a minor criminal, and by minor criminal, I mean a major criminal that’s under 18.

Lemme show you a flashback of the jewelry store we robbed last week. We were wearing jackets and pants and shoes that covered every part of our skins, even blocking our cutie marks, and we had face-covered scooter helmets blocking our faces. Orange Swirl, Cesaer Salad, and I were aiming paint ball guns at the employees and customers as Orange Swirl throws a costumer on the floor. “GET DOWN THERE, HOMIE! You want your clothes to still have flair, you better keep your flank down there!” Orange Swirl yelled.

“Alright, mates. Everypony pays attention and nopony gets hurt.” I instructed them.

“Get down on the ground, amigo! They’ll get worse than hurt!” Cesaer Salad yelled. Orange Swirl and Cesaer Salad are a couple of gangster friends I met when I was young. Orange Swirl had that ‘hood’ vibe, while Cesaer Salad had that Mexicolt vibe; I have an Australian accent while General Lee has the southwestern accent. Different personalities, which would make the cops have a harder time finding out who we are.

“O, you keep the customers and employees at bay. C, you and me will get the jewelry. Let’s go!” I instructed them.

“We have it under control, J!” Cesaer said as he smashes some of the display glasses that were protecting the jewelry stones and takes some of the jewels. “We gonna be rich, ese!”

“Slow and steady, C. Slow and steady.” I said.

“What’s going on here?!” the manager yelled as he runs out of his office.

“DON’T MOVE A MUSCEL, CHUMP!” Orange yelled at him. “Get down!”

“Alright, alright, I’m going down. Please don’t ruin my beautiful tuxedo with those paint guns!” the manager begged.

“Paint guns?” Orange asked in a curious tone. “J, you never said we were using PAINT guns!”

“Having a messy tux is a fate worse than death, mate.” I informed him.

“You sure ‘bout that, homie?” Orange asked.

“Baddah BOOM!” Cesaer yelled as he and Jerry keep smashing the display cases and taking the expensive stones.

“Ah can’t hold the security system for much longer.” General Lee said from our ear pieces. “You have like… 30 seconds, max!”

“Who’s Max?” Cesaer asked.

“Did you get all the jewels, C?” I asked.

“I’m trying but one of these display cases ain’t breaking, holms!” Cesaer said.

“Here lemme try.” I offered as I tried to break the glass with the butt of my paint ball gun.

“Why are you breaking it with your gun, J?” Cesaer asked.

“It’s stronger than our hooves and… wait… have you been breaking it with your hooves, C?” I asked.

“Yeah, why?” Cesaer asked as he showed me his hoof which had shards of broken glass on it. “Is it because it hurts when I walk?”

“15 seconds!” General Lee said on the ear pieces. So I took out one of those little glass removers that you magnetically place on glasses and then it spins in a perfect 360 degree circle, and the glass becomes easily removed, and I placed it on the glass and it… well… I explained it already. Right after the device did its job, I smashed the glass with a hammer and then I took out the most expensive gems in the whole store. “5 seconds!” General Lee said.

“Then it would seem to be time to go. C’mon, mates! Let’s make a run for it!” I instructed my crew as we all ran outside. When we got out, the alarm started going off and the cops were already heading this way. Orange, Cesaer, and I all went onto our individual scooters, and were just about ready to drive off to meet up with General Lee. Just then, the cops surrounded our exits before we were able to go.

“What do we do, J?” Orange asked. I looked around to see if we could find a way out, and over by a cop carriage, I saw a pile of garbage with a couple of wooden planks on top of them.

“Come on and SLAM! Welcome to the JAM!” I yelled as I started up the scooter and rode over to the wooden planks, rode on top of them, and stunt jumped right over the police carriages, much to their surprise. Orange and Cesaer followed me along in jumping that stunt jump over that pile of rubbish. Once we all jumped over the police carriages and landing on the other side of them, a giant text that says ‘STUNT JUMP COMPLETED – 49 stunt jumps remaining’ pops up on the screen, and then we drove off with our scooters, trying to get away from the MDPD. We pretty much had a two star wanted level as we tried to get away.

“We have to meet up with GL over at an alleyway by Gangsville Ave.” I instructed my crew.

“It takes a while to realize that scooters are pretty slow, J.” Cesaer said.

“Not these scooters! GL modified them just for situations like this!” I said.

“We are scooter brothers in situations like this, dawg!” Orange said excitedly.

“We’re going to be ‘behind a cop carriage brothers’ if we don’t stay focused, holms!” Cesaer said. “Gangsville isn’t for another few blocks!”

“Pshaw, C! A few blocks? It’s nothin’!” Orange said. Just then, a helicopter appeared. I guess that would mean we have a three-star wanted level now.

“You were sayin’?” Cesaer asked with an attitude.

“Then it’s time for some maneuvering!” I suggested.

“Yeah, I’m not a big fan of cow poo, homie.” Orange said.

“Just move around!” I demanded.

“Fine, fine jeez! All that hollain’!” Orange complained. So the three of us began maneuvering with our scooters as the sniper of in the helicopter was shooting at us with his magic. Just then, a few pegasi came over us and air struck us. Luckily for us, they missed us completely, but they were going around for another strike. “J! Go shoot ‘em down, dawg! You have good eye sight!”

“You know I don’t like hurting ponies!” I reminded him.

“Same ol Jerry Jam! Can’t even take one for the team!” Orange complained.

“Yeah, holms! They’re gaining on us! What’s your deal?!” Cesaer complained. Orange and Cesaer are my best friends and I’d do what I can to keep them safe, but even with the situations we’re getting into, I would never hurt another pony. I could break the law, only because my friends keep bragging how fun it is, and how my family has a huge empowerment in Mareami which means we’d be safe from the police, and I agree, going on heists are fun! I mean, I gotta help my friends out, because even though I’m rich, they’re poor, but I’m not old enough to be connected to my families’ bank accounts.

“J!” Orange yelled. I had to do something, so I decided to pick up a cardboard box on the side of the road and throw it up towards the pegasi, which had no affect whatsoever. Or did it? The box had a picture of a purple pony eating oranges underneath it, and one of the pegasi officers lost his focus and crashed down right on it. I honestly didn’t think it was going to work, it was just a ‘think fast’ kind of situation.

“Oooo ouch!” Cesaer yelled.

“SORRY!” I yelled.

“Don’t apologize, homie! What’s wrong with you? Bein’ a bootlicker to the feds?” Orange asked.

“Just say focused, O!” I instructed him. There was a police roadblock up ahead, and there was no way to evade that, so the three of us stopped our scooters as the cops surrounded us on both sides.

“We’re boned!” Orange said.

“Criminals – this is the MDPD!” one of the officers yelled from a megaphone.

“Wow, thanks Captain Obvious!” Orange said sarcastically.

“We have you surrounded!” the officer yelled. “Remove yourselves from the scooters and place your hooves in the air!”

“You’re usually the one with the strategies, J. Any ideas?” Cesaer asked. I looked around to see if there was anything we could do, and up ahead I saw a carriage dealership selling Dodges. Yeah… horse puns. Can’t get enough of that here in the EQA. I took a cinderblock out of my satchel and threw it at the dealership window.

“GO!” I yelled. So the three of us all rode our scooters into the dealership, drove right through it, and then drove through the other side of the dealership window and winded up back into the street.

“HA HA! J, you never seize to amaze us, dawg!” Orange said impressively.

“Yeah, J! You are very impressive! I have no idea what we’d do without you, bro!” Cesaer said.

“Yeah, well… we did ponies a favor anyway by smashing up that dealership! Nothing but scammers in these dealerships anyway! Credit frauds!” I said.

“I love how you think positive, m’stallion! Makes these heists even more fun!” Orange said.

“Y’think we lost them, ese?” Cesaer asked.

“We’re in Gangsville Ave. now. Take the next turn to that alley over there.” I instructed them, and we all did. We arrived over by a truck carriage carried by our friend General Lee. He opened the back for us so we could ride on inside.

“Get y’all’s flanks in ‘ere now!” General Lee instructed us.

SHROOM FILMS PRESENTS….

“Bossy, aren’t you, GL?” Cesaer complained as we rode our scooters inside and Lee shuts the back.

“Alright, let’s get outta here.” Lee said as he started pulling the carriage.

“Isn’t it weird having a colt such as yourself, driving this thing?” Orange asked.

“Relax, Orange Swirl.” Lee said as he puts on a mustache on his face. “Took me a while to find out which part of mah body this thing goes on.”

“T-M-I, GL.” Cesaer said.

“Y’all wanna know where ah got this?” Lee asked.

“Just walk!” Orange demanded.

“And Cesaer Salad said I’m bossy.” Lee complained as he started pulling the carriage out of the alley and onward to safety.

A FRIENDSHIP IS EPIC SPIN-OFF….

“Did you see that? Huh? Did you see how awesome we were, boy?!” Orange cried in excitement.

“Yeah, we were pretty amazing, weren’t we?” I asked.

“Another successful heist for a successful crew!” Cesaer said.

“And since we’re colts, they should go easy on us. The worst they’d do is take us to juvie!” I said.

“Yeah or have our mommies give us spankings.” Orange added.

“BIG spankings so we would cry!” Cesaer added.

“Or that Jerry’s family actually OWNS Mareami, so this is pretty much just tax.” Orange said.

“Yeah, Jer, you pretty much OWN Mareami, and are filthy stinkin’ rich! Why are you on these heists anyway?” Cesaer asked.

STARING JERRY JAM….

“Because I’m not the rich one. My family doesn’t give me access to their money. They don’t really spoil me that much, and besides, I’d like to think of these jobs as opportunities to have fun!” I said. “I have wicket instincts, mates! I can’t just have them go to waste. We’re supposed to have all the fun we could get in our youth, that’s what my grandfather always said.”

“Your grandpappi is a wise one, Jer.” Cesaer nodded.

“And after the two of you gave me this wicket opportunity to go stealing gems, I felt more alive than ever!” I said.

“Yeah, dawg. You were pretty much all sad and feeling like a failure because you felt that you had no meaning in life. Boo-hoo-hoo!” Orange teased.

“But that’s all a thing in the past now, holms! You made a great choice, and it’s making us rich, and you even richer!” Cesaer said.

…ORANGE SWIRL AND CESAER SALAD….

“Plus, ah’m puttin’ mah unique carriage ridin’ skills to the test! Ah’m the best at dodgin’ cops!” Lee said.

“And that’s all you’ll ever be good at, ese.” Cesaer said.

“Yeah, too much of a wimp to go out and ACTUALLY rob! You sicken me, GL!” Orange insulted him.

“You have your special abilities, ah have mine! Get used to it, partner!” Lee defended himself.

“I dunno why you have that poor fool rollin’ with us, fool! He nothin’!” Orange said.

“Yeah, J! Why you have him with us for?” Cesaer asked.

“Because General Lee is a good pony. I known him longer than you bloody cut snakes, and I know what he’s capable of.”

“Don’t try to push us fool! Just remember, we’re from the hood!” Orange reminded me.

“And that kind of talk isn’t goin’ to get you anyway, Orange. There are things you need to learn about, like that there’s more to life then just representing your neighborhood.” I explained.

“Only fools say ‘neighborhood’. We say ‘hood’!” Orange said.

“You just said ‘neighborhood’ just now.” I informed him.

“As an example! Don’t be an idiot, Jer!” Orange suggested.

“Look, I have no idea why we’re arguing. We were successful in this job. There are thousands of bits on our way to our bank accounts. Does that mean we have to be so negative of things?” I asked.

“You didn’t shoot down the Pegasus cop.” Cesaer reminded me.

“I didn’t want to hurt him.” I said.

“It wasn’t a mare, you can hit another stallion and not feel guilty about it.” Cesaer said.

“I don’t want to hurt anypony. It’s not fun. Stealing is fun, but hurting other ponies is not fun.” I said.

“Jer, have you ever noticed that stealing from other ponies, you could be hurting them?” Orange asked.

“They can always get new gems. It may be expensive, or better yet, they’re easy to find. Just get some unicorn with some gem-finding tracker magic and then use some dog-like companion of some sort to dig up the gems, and boom! Gems!” I explained.

“Maybe we can do a heist in Diamond Dog caves, dawg!” Orange suggested. “The Diamond Dog gangs are always underground looking for gems just so we could steal them!”

“I’m not sure if that’s a good idea, OJ. Diamond Dogs are pretty expert in the underground caves. I mean, the surface is one thing, but underground would be difficult since they have like… bat-vision or something.” I explained.

“Bats are blind, aren’t I right Orange?” Cesaer asked.

“He called me OJ. My name is not Orange JUICE, its Orange SWIRL. Orange Juice is my dad’s name.” Orange said.

“What are we talking about here, holms? Your name, or our next heist in Diamond Dog territories?” Cesaer asked.

“Just saying, Cesaer, calling me OJ makes no sense to me.” Orange said.

“Mind if ah have a say in this?” Lee asked.

“No, Lee. Shush.” Orange instructed him.

“No, you don’t mind? Alright.” Lee said. “Well, I’ve been doin’ research on Diamond Dog caves, and the dogs themselves have a weakness. They are pretty gull-“

“Lee, nopony cares, shush!” Orange instructed him.

“Can you just let him speak, mate?” I asked. “It sounded like he was about to have a breakthrough of something.”

“No, it’s alright, partner.” Lee said. “He’s just more stubborn than a cattle with corn.”

“See? That’s what annoys me. He makes no sense at all! He might as well be friends with a bunch of loser ponies with mental issues.” Orange said.

“Yeah, holms. General Lee, man, he’s not one of us.” Cesaer said.

“Will you two shut up, please?” I asked angrily. “I’m really starting to lose my patience with you two. You don’t have to like him, but he’s our driver, and you should show some respect to him. He’d leave your flanks on the side of the road if he wants to, and let the cops pick you up. You want him to do that?”

“No, I guess not.” Cesaer said. “Sorry, ese.” Lee then bucks the trailer with his hind hoof.

“OW! You disrespecting us, stallion?!” Cesaer yelled.

“ENOUGH!” I yelled. “Alright? ENOUGH! Just give me the jewels and I’ll sell them on the black market for a profit, and you’ll each have your cut once I get this done.”

“How do we know we’re supposed to trust you, homie?” Orange asked.

“Let’s not go through this again, mate. Every time we go through this, I end up sneaking the gems out of your grasp and then you two get mad at me and kick me out of the crew, even though I’m the criminal mastermind in this group, but then you two end up with your cut, as well as a bonus, and then you’re no longer mad at me.” I explained. “Can we just handle this peacefully?”

“And miss out on our bonus, el caballo? As if!” Cesaer said.

“Then why don’t you try it? Why don’t you two sell the gems in the black market yourselves?” I suggested. “Let’s see how you two do.”

“Why don’t we just keep them?” Cesaer asked.

“Now I even know that’s not a good idea, C.” Orange said. “Evidence to a crime.”

“Orange is right, mate.” I said. “If we hold onto them for too long, it’ll risk this whole operation.”

“Operation? Is that what you’re calling it?” Cesaer asked.

“These jobs may be fun, and you may think of them as games, but you have to play by the rules, otherwise we’ll all lose. This is a team effort game, mates.” I explained. “We can’t just do these jobs and expect us to think we’re in the clear. No, we have to lay-low now. We have to be separated. Once I sell the gems, you’ll get your cut, but for now, we have to part ways.”

“And risk the cops gettin’ us, man?” Orange asked.

“You two head home and keep your heads down.” I suggested as Lee opens the back trailer. “Lee and I will head back to Seastar Island, back to my house, and we’ll handle things from here.”

“Just know one thing, homie, we’re from the hood! We can unite our hoods to hunt you down if we have to! Don’t try anything funny!” Orange threatened me.

“Don’t be like that, Naranja. Jerry’s our best friend! He wouldn’t let us down. Right, Jer?” Cesaer asked.

“Of course I won’t. Just play things smart. I did my research. You two should do your research too. It’ll help us get out of situations must easier.” I said.

“If you say so, home-boy. Stay in touch. See you at school.” Orange said as he hops out of the trailer.

“See you at school, Jer.” Cesaer nodded as he follows Orange out, and then Lee closes the back of the trailer behind them.

“Where too now?” Lee asked.

“Well, first the junkyard. We have to ditch these scooters. They’re evidence.” I said.

“Done and done!” Lee said as he starts walking again, out of the alley we were in, and back onto the street.

“Lee, I’m sorry about Orange Swirl and Cesaer Salad, mate.” I said.

“Not a problem, Jer. They’re just a bunch of plots, but they help us get richer, and help us have a lot of fun!” Lee said.

“I know, mate, but they have to show some bloody respect sometimes.” I said. “I feel responsible for this crew, and if we can’t get along, it’ll risk us gettin’ busted by the police.”

“Ah believe you, Jer.” Lee nodded. “We have to play by the rules, otherwise we’ll be busted. Do you think we should ditch Orange and Cesaer?”

“Lee, don’t be as bad as them. They may be idiots, but they have connections.” I said.

“Yeah, to their hoods!” Lee said.

“But their ‘hoods’ or whatever they bloody call it, they have pretty strong numbers.” I said.

“Like ah’m afraid!” Lee said sarcastically.

“Just be careful, mate.” I suggested.

“Don’t worry, partner. Ah’ll be fine.” Lee said as we approached the junk yard and parked in front of a trailer. Lee opens our truck trailer door with one of the scooters. Lee detaches himself from the trailer and went inside of it to get another scooter. I then knocked on the junkyard’s trailer’s door, and then some sort of eyeball camera popped out and stared right at me.

“Yes?” the voice in the intercom asked as it snorted.

“I have some spare parts to sell to you.” I said.

“Ah, excellent, excellent! I’ll be right out!” the voice said as the eyeball camera slid back inside the trailer, and after a few seconds, the door unlocks its many locks, and it opens, revealing a pig with a labcoat on.

“Hello, Mr. Swinebutt. Good to see you again.” I said.

“Likewise, Jerry Jam!” Swinebutt said. “But then again,” he snorts, “this could all just be a sham to tax me. Your family runs Mareami, y’know.”

“I assure you, I’m just here to sell you these scooters. Use them for spare parts for your, you know, ‘inventions’.” I said.

“Umm, you just said ‘inventions’ in the kind of sense that you don’t believe I’m a super genius.” Swinebutt assumed.

“Let’s not worry about that. How much do you want for them?” I asked.

“Let’s not worry about that?!” Swinebutt yelled angrily. “I’m going to be a pretty big deal soon. You’ll see! You Jams will even worship me some day!”

“Yeah if you say so, mate.” I said, not caring about a word he’s saying.

“Fine. How does 450 sound?” Swinebutt asked.

“4 bits and 50 cents, or 450 bits?” I asked.

“Don’t get smart with me. I’M the smart one!” Swinebutt reminded me.

“Oi.” I said. “Alright, 450 sounds like a deal. I’d pay for anything to get rid of these scooters.”

“Just be glad you’re talking to me and not somepony that’s greedy.” Swinebutt suggested as he gave me the bits. “I’m only in this for the science. Not the money, so don’t say ‘I’ll pay anything’, or ‘I’m desperate’, because that’ll just get ponies to trick you into every bit in your pocket.” He explained and snorted.

“Got it. Pleasure doin’ business with you, Porker.” I said.

“Much obliged.” Lee said as he sets all the scooters by Swinebutt’s trailer.

“No, no, thank you, my friends!” Swinebutt said as he chuckles mischievously and places his pinky near his mouth. After we were done with him, we headed out, and pretty much the flashback ends there.

THE FRIENDSHIP DETECTION AGENCY

Author's Note:

This here is the prologue opening of the FDA spin-off! I'm pretty sure you're going to like this story! You know Jerry as an agent of friendship (if you read FiE), but know you get to see a side of him you'd never expect to see! Or maybe you did, who knows? This is also getting to know protagonist, as well as two of the main characters in the story; one with an African-American ego, and one with a Mexican ego.