The Friendship Detection Agency (FDA)

by FlareGun45

Waffle Brothers (Choices)

I looked around Jelly’s house to see if I could find any clues, because I’ve learned that all criminals leave behind clues; whether it’s a hoof-print, or a logo or something. Now I don’t have any equipment for hoof-prints, and I didn’t see any logos, so I had to try the ‘something’ choice. So I decided to call the cops to see if they could help me, but the phone line was dead- err, I mean, passed away. Dead’s a too strong of a word in my book. Oh wait, I just used it in my book, woops. Anyways, I wanted to try my cell phone next, but no signal. Wow, luck really has me today.

I searched all around to see if I could find any clues, but after a while, I found something. It was a napkin. Wow, big help. But wait, if the napkin is dirty, there might be some DNA on it, and help me find some clues, and it can also make me sick. Oh wait; I don’t have any equipment with me though. If I’m to find out who took my sister, I’ll have to go to the one place that might have the supplies I need to find her. I was about to run out of the house when suddenly a piece of paper blew in the wind. It landed right in front of me on Jelly’s carriage. I took the piece of paper because I don’t think Jelly would be happy to see litter on her carriage, and when I saw it, the paper was completely blank. Nothing on it. Wasn’t too sure what the use was. I ran back inside the house so I can look for Jelly’s carriage keys so I can use it to get to FDA Headquarters. They might have the supplies I need. I found her carriage keys in the kitchen right next to a pair of glasses.

“Heh!” I chuckled. “I didn’t think Jelly needed glasses, but then again, I didn’t either when I had to fill out the forums.” I took the keys and ran over to Jelly’s carriage so I can unlock the straps and attach it to my back, but before I rode off, I started having a brain blast. That’s right Jimbo! I reached into my satchel and took out the glasses the FDA receptionist gave me and I put it on. Just as I expected, the blank piece of paper I found actually has words on it, but I couldn’t see it without the glasses. I had the feeling this was an FDA test, but I didn’t want to take that risk. Agency tests are always full of risks. Sometimes they’re live exercises, so for all I know, Jelly could actually be in trouble.

The note reads: If you wish to find your sister Jelly, go to the Waffle Brothers Studios, where one of your old friends is shooting for his next scene. Come alone. Don’t bring your gangster friends with you.

One of my old friends? The only old friends I have is Cesaer, Orange, General Lee, and Elusive. By gangster friends, I know they mean Cesaer and Orange, and Elusive isn’t part of any show. Could it be? Could it be him? An FDA agent knows my problem. General Lee IS here in Las Pegasus! He has his own show! I’ve seen it! But wait, Cesaer and Orange know it too. They said they want to avenge his betrayal. I have to get to the studio before they do, that is, if they found out where he is. I attached myself onto the carriage and backed out of the driveway.

On the way there, I was pretty concerned. Why would General Lee want to capture my sister? Why does he want to see me? Probably because he knows I won’t overreact towards his betrayal. I was on my way to the studio when suddenly I had a phone call from Cesaer. I answered it, because I needed to know where he is. “Oi!” I said.

“J, its Cesaer!” he said.

“Hey! How was the hood thing?” I asked.

“Seemed as they welcomed us as old friends! Mainly because some of them are old friends back in Mareami that moved here. Some of them though.” Cesaer said. “Anyways, J, we’re on the hunt. We’re lookin’ around town for General Lee. We know he’s here, but we don’t know where.”

“You don’t say?” I asked nervously.

“Y’think you can help us out, holms?” Cesaer asked.

“Sorry, mate. I’m out with Jelly right now.” I lied.

“Really? She hasn’t answered her phone.” Cesaer said.

“Her battery is dead.” I said.

“Tell her we said hola.” Cesaer requested. “O, calm down, I’m not telling her you love her.”

“Sure thing, mate! Listen, Cesaer, I… I have to go.” I said.

“No problem, J! Adios!” Cesaer said as we hang up. At least I know they don’t know where General Lee is. This gives me a slight advantage. Once I got to the Waffle Brothers studio, there was one obstacle in my way – the security guard up front. I wasn’t sure what to do. I don’t work there, I’m no agent, I don’t have an appointment. I do have a friend there, but the security guard won’t take that excuse. Believe me, I kinda had that problem earlier today with Elusive’s jerk of a bouncer. It would seem my only choice is to sneak inside the facility, but how?

“What do you mean you won’t let me in!?” a green pegasus with a pink mane complained up front of the building. “I’m supposed to deliver flowers to a Miss Ruby Radiance!”

“Ma’am, there is nothing on this checklist that says she has an appointment for… how you say… ‘flowers’.” The security guard said.

“I have the order right here on MY list.” The green pegasus showed the guard. “I’m supposed to deliver a bunch of tulips to Ruby Radiance in her trailer.”

“Sure, lady, sure.” The guard chuckled. “Ruby Radiance is a super megastar right now. She always has fans knocking on her door!”

“A fan? I don’t even watch sit-coms!” the pony yelled.

“I guess I’d believe you there. She doesn’t do sit-coms, she does romance flicks.” The guard said.

“EXACTLY! Can you please let me in? I flew from ALL THE WAY from Ponyville just to get here and deliver flowers!” the pony complained. “You know how much this whole trip is costing me already?! My job doesn’t even pay well! I’m not flying here just to waste time!”

“You can give me the flowers if you like. I like tulips!” the guard suggested.

“Stuff a sock in it!” the pony insulted him.

“See any socks on me?” the guard asked as he pointed to his hooves. “No you don’t. So if you please, be on your way, or else I’ll call the cops.”

“UGH! Whatever, man!” the pony complained as she walked away. Well this security guard is as I expected: a complete jerk. You know, I am about to be an FDA agent. I should help this pony out.

When I ran over to her with her cart full of flowers I said, “Nice flowers! Grow them yourself?”

“Not in the mood, buddy.” The pony complained.

“I’m really sorry bother you, love. Really I am, but you and I are pretty much in the same exact situation.” I said.

“Oh yeah? In what way?” the mare asked.

“I need to get inside that studio too. Seeing as the guard was being a complete jerk to you, he’d probably be a jerk to me as well.” I explained.

“What do you need from there?” she asked.

“Have you ever heard of General Lee?” I asked.

“Yeah he’s pretty famous.” The mare said.

“He has my sister. He is using my sister to get to me. General Lee and I were… old friends.” I explained. “He abandoned me and my friends back in juvey, but somehow I have the feeling he didn’t want to leave me specifically. He wants to see me, and I want to see him. I want to know why he left us.”

“This seems to be pretty important to you.” The mare said.

“One of the most important things in my bucket list right now.” I said.

“So what do you need me for?” the mare asked.

“We can help eachother get inside. I can help you deliver those flowers to Ruby Radiance, while you help me get to General Lee, and my sister Jelly.” I said.

“Well… doesn’t it seem like against the law to be trespassing on this property?” the mare asked.

“I’ve broken the law many times. I’ve done more time than I deserve, so I believe the law owes me.” I said.

“I didn’t do anything bad to the law though.” The mare said.

“If anything goes wrong, I’ll take the heat. I can handle prison, love. A beautiful lady such as yourself won’t survive a place like prison.” I flirted.

The mare blushed and giggled. “Thank you, Mister… erm…”

“Jam. Jerry Jam.” I said.

“Nice to meet you Jam, Jerry Jam.” The mare teased. “I’m Merry May.”

“Lovely name!” I said. “Anyways, I have a plan to get inside, but if we’re going to do this. You’re going to have to do exactly as I say. I know we just met, and all, but you’re going to have to trust me.”

“How do I know you won’t abandon me though? How do I know this is not all a trick?” Merry asked.

“You don’t.” I said. “But what else is there left to do?”

“I guess you do make a point there, Jerry.” Merry nodded. “Guess I’m going to have to trust you.” Merry said as her hoof sticks out.

“Wise choice, love.” I said as I shook her hoof.

“That’s not why my hoof was out, but ok.” Merry said. “So how should we proceed?”

“Well, I’m pretty good at multitasking, so the way I see it, there’s two choices.” I said. “Choice number one: we disguise ourselves as an actor and an actress.”

“Two actors.” Merry corrected me. “They don’t use the term ‘actress’ anymore. Some mares got a bit offended by it, so all are called actors now.”

“Ok. So we dress ourselves as actors, and we go inside and try to blend in.” I said. “We have to make sure we don’t do anything suspicious, otherwise they’ll call security and kick us out. We get in, we have to do everything the stage crews say, but if we’re not needed, we’ll go to Ruby Radiance’s trailer and deliver the tulips, and then we’ll go find General Lee, so I can talk to him, and see where he’s keeping Jelly.”

“Seems fair enough.” Merry agreed. “But if we blend in too much, it might lead to us procrastinating from the task at hoof. We might be called in on stage.”

“We’ll have to do what they say.” I said.

“Hmm…” Merry thought. “What’s choice two?”

“Choice two is that we sneak inside unaware. We have to us stealth and make sure we’re not spotted. Otherwise, they’ll call security and have us kicked out. Security is stricter at this point. Anypony spots us, it may jeopardize the whole thing. We’ll sneak to Ruby Radiance’s trailer and drop off the flowers, and then we’ll search the studio for General Lee, hoping he’s alone, and not has much security with him.” I explained.

“Decisions, decisions.” Merry said as she started to think.

“What do you think is easier?” I asked.

“I’ll have to think it over.” Merry said.

Alright, it would seem Merry May needs help. Care to help her make a decision? Choice A: Disguises, or Choice B: Stealth. Which do you want us to do?

CHOICE A: DISGUISES

A costume delivery truck was riding by, and while they were unpacking we snuck in and found ourselves some costumes. I dressed myself up in a while tuxedo, while Merry dressed up in a gorilla costume.

“Why the gorilla costume?” I asked.

“They’re remaking the Planet of the Cakes movie in there… again.” Merry said.

“Applewood what has happened to you?” I shook my head and asked. “You used to be so creative!”

“Those were the days, huh Jer?” Merry asked. So the two of us went over to the security gate to check ourselves in with the security guard, but before we went to him, I gave Merry a fake ID card. “What’s this?” she asked.

“A fake ID card. They’re illegal, I know, but they come in handy.” I said.

“I look nothing like this.” Merry said, showing me the picture of Orange Swirl on her ID.

“Relax, you’re wearing a mask.” I reminded her.

“What if the guard asks me to take it off?” Merry asked.

“Leave it to me.” I said. So we walked over to the guard gate and the security guard walks out of his guard booth to check on us.

“Planet of the Cakes, huh?” the guard asked. “Was expecting you a half-minute ago.”

“Yeah, hahaha.” I laughed sarcastically, showing him my ID, and then Merry showed him hers, or in this case ‘his’.

“These IDs look fake.” The guard said. Merry was starting to look a little nervous since she let out a little gasp.

“We’re in Las Pegasus, mate.” I reminded him. “Everything around here is fake.”

“Good point.” The guard said. “Was just testing you. These IDs are ok. Go on in. Planet of the Cakes is being filmed in Studio D. I’ll call them up and let them know you’re coming.”

“Thank you.” I said as the guard opens the gate and lets us inside.

“Hey, you, in the ape costume.” The guard said to Merry May. “Are you sure that’s a costume, or are you just a mare?” the guard started laughing. Merry May started to get angry and walk over to the guard, but I was able to stop her.

“Whoa there, monkey-buddy!” I stopped her and helped her inside the gate. “No need to get all ape on him. It was only a joke.”

“His whole life is a joke!” Merry mumbled as she followed me in. “I was about to turn his flank inside out, and then rip out his nose and stick it in his belly button!”

“I know, Merry, I know how you feel, but we can’t go on and just pound other ponies just because they offended us. The wise thing to do: report them, and then sue them for harassment.” I explained.

“Yeah… you’re probably right, Jer.” Merry said. “I swear, every time I’m in LP, there is always somepony making sexist comments to somepony. I HATE that!”

“Well let’s just stick to the task at hoof for now.” I suggested. “Now let’s head to Ruby Radiance’s trailer and drop off the tulips.”

“Aprecot! Yeah, you in the costume!” a stage crew pony called out at Merry. “We need you on stage for a stunt.”

“Who me?” Merry asked.

“Yeah YOU!” the stage pony said.

“Couldn’t be!” Merry teased.

“Then who?” the stage crew pony asked.

“It was that security guard at the gate.” Merry said.

“Well I’ll show him for stealing those cookies!” the stage pony said angrily as he ran off.

“Merry that was brilliant!” I said surprisingly.

“A little trick I pulled up. Helped me get out of situations back at Ponyville when my friend Parasol thought I was stealing her looks.” Merry said.

“Were you stealing her looks?” I asked.

“Heavens, yes! But does she need to know that? I keep bragging to her that great minds think alike.” Merry explained.

“Great minds do think alike.” I said. “I’ve had a similar situation once. I was one time on vacation in Vanhoover. My old crew and I… well… there was a museum there. A museum full of ancient treasures. We were thinking of going to the Vanhoover Dam and try to sabotage the power to… wait… why am I telling you this?”

“It’s nice to let it all out, doesn’t it?” Merry asked. “Hey, don’t think you’re the only one that stole things in the past.”

“You’re a former criminal too, or… current criminal?” I asked.

“Former.” Merry said. “Well, not much of a big shot criminal. You see…. I stole… well, it’s a pretty big deal. I’ve been getting DIF warnings all the time about this.”

“The Disharmony Investigation Bureau?” I asked.

“No, Disharmony Investigation FORCE. Where did you get Bureau from?” Merry asked.

“I just thought DIB was a better name for them.” I said.

“As catchy as it sounds, it’s more like ‘force’, since they like forcing friendship upon ponies. What a bunch of jerks!” Merry said.

“So what criminal activates did you do?” I asked.

“Oh, I downloaded movies online. Worst mistake of my life.” Merry said.

“Doesn’t sound so bad.” I said.

“It’s stealing, BIG TIME. Ponies are trying to make money. Ponies who post movies online are criminals, and there’s no stopping the DIF. They control the internet piracy.” Merry said.

“Why doesn’t the FDA control it?” I asked.

“How… how should I know?” Merry asked nervously. “It’s not like I am an FDA agent or anything.”

“Uh huh, ok.” I nodded.

“Anyways, let’s get this done and leave. I have to return to my living quarters by o’700 hours.” Merry said.

“What was that?” I asked.

“I mean, I have to be home by 7 AM. That’s when Daisy, Rose, ‘n Lily Valley open. They don’t want me to be back late. It’s the place I work at.” Merry said. “You have an assigned job, Jerry?”

“Well tonight I have to be working at The Jam night club. I have a managing partnership there currently.” I said.

“Sounds most appropriate.” Merry said as we arrived at Ruby Radiance’s trailer. “Here we are.” She said as she knocks on the door. Nopony answered. “Guess I’ll just put these inside and we’ll go find General Lee.” Merry opens the trailer door and walks inside, and then closes the door behind her. A voice screamed inside. I was just waiting outside, biting my hoof-nails and adjusting my tie.

“WHO ARE YOU?! SECURITY?!” Ruby yelled from inside.

“I am here to give you the flowers as you ordered.” Merry said.

“I DIDN’T ORDER ANY FAUST-DARN FLOWERS!” Ruby yelled. Just then, there was a flash of light coming from inside the trailer.

“You know, the tulips you ordered?” Merry asked.

“Ah, yes! Thank you, dear.” Ruby said. “Here’s your money. I’ll just put them right here! I’ve been wondering when they’d show up!”

“Glad you enjoy them! Have a nice day!” Merry said as she exits the trailer.

“Was she friendly?” I asked.

“Very!” Merry said. “If you noticed a flash of light in there, I was just taking a picture of her.”

“I didn’t know there was a flash of light. I was too busy biting my hoof nails.” I admitted.

“Oh… so I lied to you for no reason?” Merry asked.

“What did you lie to me about?” I asked.

“Oh… about… umm… she was actually… fat?” Merry asked.

“Use a lie to cover a lie, nice.” I said.

“I’m just trying to spare your feelings, Jer.” Merry admitted.

“Seems legit, alright.” I nodded. So next we went over to General Lee’s trailer, see if we could find him, but once we got there, he just walks out of the trailer and starts walking towards one of the studios. “Shh, there he is.” I whispered.

“What are we going to do?” Merry asked.

“I’m going to follow him, try to talk to him, but just in case, I think you should go inside of his trailer and see if my sister is in there.” I suggested.

“What if the door’s locked?” Merry asked. “Also, isn’t that breaking and entering?”

“If we’re rescuing somepony, that law does not apply. At least, I think it doesn’t.” I said.

“What should I use if the door is locked?” Merry asked.

“Well, it would be inappropriate to break the lock, but I guess if you use this lockpick I used back at my criminal days, it’ll unlock it without breaking it.” I suggested as I gave Merry one of my old lockpicks. Still don’t know why I didn’t dispose them yet.

“How do I use this though?” Merry asked.

“Have you ever played Skyrim?” I asked.

“Yeah.” Merry said.

“You should be fine!” I said.

“What if I played Oblivion?” Merry asked.

“You’re doomed then.” I said as I walked away.

So I minded my own business as I was following General Lee to the studio he was needed at. He was heading towards Studio C for, I guess, his next stunt. The studio is probably going to be full of ponies. If I’m to question GL, I’m going to have to wait until we’re alone. When I got into the studio, it looked to be a desert stage set, so I think it was time to change my disguise a bit. I went to the dressing area and found a cactus costume. I decided to put it on and blend in with the stage props. “General Lee, 60 seconds.” One of the stage crew ponies said.

“Got it.” General Lee said. Wow, GL’s voice changed a bit over the years. Then again, I haven’t heard his voice since we were still colts so of course he sounds different. Puberty! It’s hard to believe everything around here is fake. I would’ve thought Lee would be out in the field doing live-action entertainment in a real set. This is all hard to believe. It really is. It’s unlike Lee to be doing something like this. He really changed over the years.

“Alright, everypony! Take five!” the director said as we finally ended the scene. I was not impressed at all by the act. I could tell that Lee’s horny voice was… wow, that didn’t come out right. Let me rephrase that. I could tell that Lee’s Dixie horn didn’t even come out of his mouth. It was studio equipment that did that. Plus, those ridiculous catch phrases! ‘That sprinkles my jinxle.’ or ‘Drop me line, buddy!’ or even ‘Have no fear, General Lee is here!’ who writes this stuff! My friend would NEVER let anypony do this to his personality! Lee was unique! He wasn’t like any other pony, and he would let a bunch of agents tell him what to do?! If I haven’t lost respect for him before when he betrayed us, I definitely lost respect for him now! Anyways, before I was able to walk away, a beige pony with a green mane in a style that looked like two pony tails on the side of her walked over to me inside the cactus, not moving, just acting casual, and she said to me, “Howdy, stranger! Whatcha doin’ in there?”

“Uh, nopony’s in here. I’m just a cactus.” I said.

“Last ah checked, cacti don’t speak pony language!” the pony said. “They speak their own language: photosynthesis.”

“How did you know I was in here?” I asked. “I barely moved!”

”You have yer weaknesses.” The pony said as she showed me her tray of apple fritters. “Ah’m Apple Fritter, stranger. Would you like some of mah famous apple fritters? Best tasty stuff in all of Appleloosa! Try ‘em while they’re hot!”

“No thanks, I have things I really need to do.” I said.

“What kind of things?” Apple Fritter asked.

“Cactusy things.” I said.

“Like spyin’ on old friends?” Apple Fritter asked.

“Wait a minute. How did you know tha-“ I was about to ask when I popped my head out from the cactus costume, but when I did so, she was already gone. What a strange pony Apple Fritter was, but I didn’t let that bother me too much.

Anyways, I heard Lee say he was about to go to his bathroom break, so I know exactly where to trap him so we can have a private discussion. Discussing about eachother’s privates. Ok, what is wrong with me today? So I took off my disguise and went over to the bathrooms so I can ambush him.

CHOICE A ENDS

CHOICE B: STEALTH

Merry May and I put on some stealth outfits because I so happened to have them in my suitcase which was in the carriage. I didn’t want to leave it at the house. “Seems a little loose for me.” Merry said.

“I never had a mare in my squad before, I’m sorry.” I said.

“What squad?” Merry asked.

“The Gman Squad.” I said.

“Really?” Merry asked.

“No, not really, but I just loved that machinima! Back when Machinima was the best at its time.” I said.

“What’s machinima?” Merry asked.

“Making a video from a video game.” I said.

“Oh, like let’s plays!” Merry said.

“Not exactly.” I said. “Unlike let’s plays, machinimas were a bit more… creative.”

“PewBoysenberryPie is creative!” Merry said.

“PewBoysenberryPie? He’s not even funny!” I said.

“He’s totally funny!” Merry said. “He’s funnier than any let’s player!”

”Sorry, but you must be thinking of Poniplier.” I corrected her.

“Poniplier is a PewBoysenberryPie rip-off! He’s not that original! “ Merry said.

“Well, we’re all entitled to our own opinions, but I like Poniplier because he really cares about his fans.” I said.

“PewBoysenberryPie likes his fans too!” Merry said.

“Not as much as Poniplier.” I said.

“Ok, like you said, we’re all entitled to our own opinions.” Merry said. “No use arguing over this.”

”Exactly! I like your style, Merry May!” I said.

“But we can all agree that Scanner-Life and Combine Rampage are the best machinimas in the world!” Merry said.

“Definitely! No use denying that!” I agreed. So Merry takes the grappling hook, swings it, and tosses it over the wall. “Nice toss!”

“Had a lot of practice tossing flowers around at the Ponyville parades!” Merry said.

“Not sure how that helps, but ok.” I said as the two of us climbed on the rope and climbed over the wall so we can trespass inside the studio and try to evade everypony that’s in there.

Once we went over the wall to look for Ruby Radiance’s trailer, Merry asked, “Isn’t this kinda illegal to be doing this, Jer?”

“Relax. It’s not like I haven’t done criminal activities before.” I said. “Like this one time at Vanhoover Dam, I had to sabotage the power so my friends and I could perform this heist at… oh… wow, I’m kinda oversharing, aren’t I?”

”Relax, Jer, you’ll be getting no taddle-taleing from me, I too have done criminal activities in the past that I still regret today.” Merry said.

“Oh yeah? Care to explain?” I asked.

“You promise not to tell anypony?” Merry asked.

“You promised not to tell anypony about my Vanhoover heist, so might as well keep your crime a security too. It’s pretty much a two-way blackmail streak.” I said and I chuckled a bit.

Merry chuckled a bit as well. “Well if you must know, I… well, I… I illegally…”

“Yes?” I asked.

“I illegally downloaded… movies.” Merry stuttered.

“Well that’s horrible!” I said shockingly. “I mean, not as horrible as what I done, but still horrible.”

”Sweet Celestia.” Merry shook her head and said. “I was nearly arrested for it but I was let off easily, but I did get a huge DIF warning though.”

“DIF? The Disharmony Investigation Bureau?” I asked.

“Bureau?” Merry asked. “Where did you get Bureau from?”

”I always thought the Disharmony Investigation Bureau was a better name than Disharmony Investigation Force. You know, the DIB. The dibs!” I explained.

“Well, the DIF did get dibs on controlling the internet. They patrol it, they run it, always on the look out for anything illegal, but they never bother with the flaming because of the friendship laws in Equestria – freedom of speech.” Merry said.

“You think the FDA might do different if they control the internet?” I asked.

“You’re asking me like I’m apart of it, which I’m NOT!” Merry said angrily.

“Ok, ok, calm down. It was just a question.” I said. Anyways, the two of us were talking too much, and we had to stay quiet if we were to sneak through the studio to find Ruby Radiance’s trailer. There were so many different trailers around, so it wasn’t that easy to find it. We eventually did though. How? We saw the trailer that was ruby colored. Just colored, not made of real rubies. But Ruby herself doesn’t know that now, does she? You know how much of a fit she would be in?

“Ah! Ruby Radiance’s trailer!” Merry said. “Just the place I need to be to deliver her tulips! Thanks for your help, Jer! I really appreciate it!”

“No prob, love. Just head on in, deliver them, and I’ll wait out here for you.” I said.

“Oh, I was gonna ask you to stay out here anyway, but now that you said it, I don’t have to!” Merry said.

“What was that?” I asked.

“Don’t worry about it. Classified info.” Merry said as she knocked on Ruby’s door.

“Go away! Can’t you see I’m self-loathing?” Ruby complained from inside.

“Yep, she said come in.” Merry said as she opens the door and walks inside and then closes the door behind her. I just waited outside, ignoring everything that’s going on in there. So how I did narrate the next few sentences then?

“HEY! Don’t you listen?!” Ruby yelled from inside. “I’m a celebrity! I need time for sympathy and second thoughts on how my life went wrong!”

”My apologies, Miss Radiance, but I’m just here to deliver your tulips.” Merry said.

“I didn’t order any tulips!” Ruby yelled. “Unless my Faust-forsaken agent ordered the-“ just then, there was a flash of light inside the trailer, like a camera flash of some sort.

“Here are the tulips you ordered, Miss Radiance!” Merry said.

“Ah, finally! What took you so long? I can’t have self-loathing without beautiful flowers to lighten the mood!” Ruby said. Just then, Merry walks out of the trailer and joins up with me.

“Please ignore whatever you heard happen in there.” Merry said.

“Oh I wasn’t concerned at all, but now that you said that, you got me wondering.” I said.

“Relax, Jer, you know how celebrities are.” Merry said.

“You got me pretty suspicious, Mer, but to be honest, I could care less.” I admitted.

“That means you do care.” Merry reminded me.

“Exactly.” I said.

“Alright, well, let’s go find your friend.” Merry suggested.

“I’m actually having thoughts of my relationship towards him, Mer.” I said.

“Huh? Why?” Merry asked.

“I don’t think now’s the right time to answer that. I’ll tell you another time. It’s kinda personal.” I said.

“I see.” Merry nodded.

“Thank you.” I said.

“No problem!” Merry said.

So next we went over to General Lee’s trailer, see if we could find him, but once we got there, he just walks out of the trailer and starts walking towards one of the studios. “Shh, there he is.” I whispered.

“What are we going to do?” Merry asked.

“I’m going to follow him, try to talk to him, but just in case, I think you should go inside of his trailer and see if my sister is in there.” I suggested.

“What if the door’s locked?” Merry asked. “Also, isn’t that breaking and entering?”

“If we’re rescuing somepony, that law does not apply. At least, I think it doesn’t.” I said.

“What should I use if the door is locked?” Merry asked.

“Well, it would be inappropriate to break the lock, but I guess if you use this lockpick I used back at my criminal days, it’ll unlock it without breaking it.” I suggested as I gave Merry one of my old lockpicks. Still don’t know why I didn’t dispose them yet.

“How do I use this though?” Merry asked.

“Have you ever played Skyrim?” I asked.

“Yeah.” Merry said.

“You should be fine!” I said.

“What if I played Oblivion?” Merry asked.

“You’re doomed then.” I said as I walked away.

“Doom and Oblivion aren’t the same game though!” Merry yelled out.

So I minded my own business as I was following General Lee to the studio he was needed at. He was heading towards Studio C for, I guess, his next stunt. The studio is probably going to be full of ponies. If I’m to question GL, I’m going to have to wait until we’re alone. When I got into the studio, it looked to be a desert stage set, so I think it was time to find somewhere to hide. I found a ladder so I can climb up to the stage lights and eavesdrop on everything from above. “General Lee, 60 seconds.” One of the stage crew ponies said as I was almost spotted when I was climbing the ladder, but luckily it was too dark back here for him to see me. Good thing I’m wearing a stealth outfit.

“Got it.” General Lee said. Wow, GL’s voice changed a bit over the years. Then again, I haven’t heard his voice since we were still colts so of course he sounds different. Puberty! It’s hard to believe everything around here is fake. I would’ve thought Lee would be out in the field doing live-action entertainment in a real set. This is all hard to believe. It really is. It’s unlike Lee to be doing something like this. He really changed over the years.

“Alright, everypony! Take five!” the director said as they finally ended the scene. I was not impressed at all by the act. I could tell that Lee’s horny voice was… wow, that didn’t come out right. Let me rephrase that. I could tell that Lee’s Dixie horn didn’t even come out of his mouth. It was studio equipment that did that. Plus, those ridiculous catch phrases! ‘That sprinkles my jinxle.’ or ‘Drop me line, buddy!’ or even ‘Have no fear, General Lee is here!’ who writes this stuff! My friend would NEVER let anypony do this to his personality! Lee was unique! He wasn’t like any other pony, and he would let a bunch of agents tell him what to do?! If I haven’t lost respect for him before when he betrayed us, I definitely lost respect for him now! Anyways, while I was hiding up here, a beige pony with a green mane in a style that looked like two pony tails on the side of her walked over to me up at the stage light structure. It was total darknes, and I wasn’t making any noise and she spotted me, “Howdy, stranger! Whatcha doin’ up here?”

“Umm, I’m a spy for a movie. This is a spy movie.” I lied.

“Y’all are in a stunt movie set, sugarcube.” Apple Fritter said.

“How did you know I was here?” I asked. “I’m particularly invisible.”

”Particularly invisible isn’t invisible.” The pony said as she showed me her tray of apple fritters. “Ah’m Apple Fritter, stranger. Would you like some of mah famous apple fritters? Best tasty stuff in all of Appleloosa! Try ‘em while they’re hot!”

“No thanks, I have things I really need to do.” I said.

“What kind of things?” Apple Fritter asked.

“Spy things.” I said as I looked back down.

“Like spyin’ on old friends?” Apple Fritter asked.

“Wait a minute. How did you know tha-“ I was about to ask when I looked back at her, but when I did so, she was already gone. What a strange pony Apple Fritter was, but I didn’t let that bother me too much.

Anyways, I heard Lee say he was about to go to his bathroom break, so I know exactly where to trap him so we can have a private discussion. Discussing about eachother’s privates. Ok, what is wrong with me today? So I climbed back down and went over to the bathrooms so I can ambush him.

CHOICE B ENDS

The bathrooms were right in front of me, so I was about to pounce in and catch Lee off guard! I kicked the door down and jumped right in and yelled, “Alright Lee, what’s your story?!” That’s what I would’ve done if I was an idiot. What I really did was open the door gently, and luckily, it wasn’t a one-pony bathroom, it had stalls in it. If it was a one-pony bathroom, then I would’ve had to knock, which I didn’t feel like doing. When I got inside, I heard a couple of mares scream in there. “Woops! Sorry, ladies!” I blushed as I backed out of the bathroom, and then I looked over at the two bathroom signs. I thought that no haired pony sign on the bathroom meant stallions, but nope, and the long-haired pony sign at the next door bathroom probably didn’t mean mares either. Las Pegasus is so weird to me. Just then, I heard screaming at the door next to it. I went inside the stallions room and I saw Cesaer Salad and Orange Swirl tackling General Lee.

“ALRIGHT LEE! What’s your story?!” Orange yelled.

“WHAT STORY?!” Lee yelled.

“Don’t play dumb with us, holms! You never thought you’d see us again! But we’re back and we got you! We got you good!” Cesaer said mischievously.

“I HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE! GET OFF OF ME!” Lee yelled.

“Orange? Cesaer? What’s going on?” I asked.

“Jerry? Wow, you are a sight for sore eyes, dawg!” Orange said.

(if Choice B was chosen) “And why are you wearing that, J?” Cesaer asked.

“What are you two doing here?” I asked.

“We went after General Lee, and it turns out you did the same!” Orange said. “Homie, I never thought you were gonna go through with it, but you did! You kept your promise and helped us capture General Lee!”

”Well, you came too late, but this’ll count!” Cesaer said. “You did help us out in a way you have no idea, holms.”

”What are you talking about?” I asked.

“We followed you here. How else did we find him?” Orange asked.

“What is goin’ on here?!” Lee cried.

“SHUT IT, PUNK!” Orange yelled. “You treacherous piece of dog bone! You left us to rot in prison!”

”Not only that. I have the feeling you were the one that got us ratted out!” Cesaer said. “You’re probably the reason we went to prison in the first place, GL!”

”You are a disgrace, Lee! A huge disgrace to our friendship! I know it didn’t seem that way, but that didn’t mean we didn’t have respect for you, dawg!” Orange explained.

“I really have no idea what you’re talking, man!” Lee cried. “I just auditioned for this part! I’m not General Lee! I’m just an actor that portrays him! Honestly! Please, you have to believe me!”

“TELL IT TO THE JUDGE!” Orange yelled. “We’re turning you in! You’re going to rot in jail and suffer what we have suffered! Count on it!”

I couldn’t believe it, but I think he was right. That explains everything. That horn was fake, it didn’t sound like him. I know General Lee would’ve never sold out his life like this. “Wait, stop. I think he’s telling the truth.” I said.

“What do you mean, J?” Cesaer asked.

“General Lee was my best friend. He would never be a dog act to the media.” I said. “This can’t be him.”

”You’re a few years too late though.” The actor said. “He used to be where I am now, but he couldn’t take it anymore. The producers kept changing everything. He didn’t want his life to be toyed like this, so he left town.”

”WHAT?!” Orange yelled.

“Calm down, mate.” I instructed Orange, then I asked the actor, “Then where is he, mate? Where’s General Lee?”

”He’s dead, so I heard.” The actor said. “After he left, he just disappeared off the face of the Earth. Nopony knows where he is now. The DIF though confirmed him dead. I’m sorry, dude. I wish there was something I could do, but there’s nothing I can do now. I am so sorry for your loss.”

I couldn’t believe it. General Lee… he’s… he’s…. hmph… well, this leaves so many questions left unanswered. Why is he gone? Also all those questions I have for him, I cannot have them answered now. It’s too late. “Well… GOOD!” Cesaer said. “He had it coming, didn’t he, O?”

”Yeah, he did.” Orange agreed. “Soooo, there’s nothing to worry about now. Lee’s no longer around, so there’s no use for revenge.”

”Si.” Cesaer agreed. “We’re really sorry for attackin’ you, holms.”

”Yeah, homie, you alright?” Orange asked as he helped the fake General Lee actor up.

“I’m fine.” He said. “Don’t think you were the first ones to mistake me for that criminal. I’ve been questioned by the cops all the time. Said that a criminal by the name of General Lee, the pony we made this show from has escaped prison years ago. This is pretty much all you’re going to get for him.”

”Can we just avenge him by destroying this show then?” Cesaer asked.

“Nah, homie.” Orange said. “The show did nothing to us. Lee is no longer a threat.”

”So… that’s it then.” Cesaer said.

“That’s it.” Orange said. “We’re finished. Our work here is done.”

”Ok well I have to get back on set. You should leave before security finds you.” The actor suggested.

“We’re leaving, don’t worry.” Orange said. “Care to join us, Jer?”

”Not yet. There’s still something I have to do.” I said.

“Yeah you came in with that green Pegasus didn’t you?” Cesaer asked.

“Ponies don’t always like to be called by their race, Cesaer.” I informed him.

”Whatever, J. You did good. Gracious, senior!” Cesaer said.

“Yeah, Jer. Thanks for your help. I guess we’ll leave you off the hook this time.” Orange said. “Hey, don’t be a stranger, alright? Stay in contact with us.”

”Of course, Orange!” I promised.

“Holla at you later, dawg.” Orange said as he walked out.

“See ya, Jerry!” Cesaer said as he followed Orange out. After they left, I walked out of the studio in depression. I couldn’t believe Lee was gone, but I guess it was for the best. Even though I have a hard time believing it, at least Cesaer and Orange won’t be in the way anymore. They won’t bother me about Lee, and they’ll probably not be suspicious over the fact that I turned us in, and not Lee. Just before I left the studio, I forgot the main reason I was here. Where’s my sister?

”Hey, bro!” Jelly said at the nearby buffet. “You gotta try this stuff! It’s all free! I mean, it’s all free for actors, but hey, they wouldn’t know the difference, right?”

”JELLY?!” I yelled. “What are you doing here? I thought you were captured?”

”Ah, well, it was part of the test, right?” Jelly asked.

“Test? What test?” I asked.

“The test in joining the FDA.” Merry said as she stood right behind me while wearing a black jumpsuit and sunglasses.

“Merry May? You’re part of the FDA?” I asked.

”Sorry I lied to you.” Merry shrugged.

“This was all staged.” Jelly said. “An initiation to join the agency!”

“Yep, and I have to say, you passed the test, Jer!” Merry said.

“I kinda figured this might’ve been a test,” I admitted, “but I didn’t know how the test would work. Plus, little did I know that the actor we encountered was not General Lee.”

”You had to know the truth somehow.” Merry said. “The best initiation to join the FDA is a personal mission. You kept your cool when you encountered who you thought was General Lee, and you helped a fellow pony in need when she needed help. You went out of your way to help others while at the same time complete your own quest. It’s like we say, give one stone to two birds to share.”

”Isn’t the phrase kill two birds with one stone?” I asked.

“That’s not how the FDA works, my friend.” Merry said.

“True.” I nodded. “So Jelly’s ok.”

”I’m fine, bro! I was just waiting here for you.” Jelly said.

“But what about Orange and Cesaer?” I asked Merry.

“Yeah, I must admit, they weren’t part of the test. I had no clue they were tailing us, but you did keep your cool around them too, and you assisted them in keeping their cool, and that makes a true FDA agent!” Merry explained.

“Wow… so this means I’m part of the FDA now?” I asked.

“Well first you must head back with us to HQ. The director will tally up the score.” Merry said.

“I’m proud of you, Jer! Welcome to the agency!” Jelly said as she patted me on the back.

“Jelly? Are you part of the agency too?” I asked.

“Oh no, I’m not, but I did assist them in setting up the test. Even though I know your agent, you must keep it a secret from everypony else, especially Cesaer and Orange.” Jelly said.

“Yes, they cannot know you’re an agent. Or your business partner Elusive for that matter.” Merry said.

I nodded. “I understand.”

”Well I’ll be back at the house cleaning up. I’ll be seeing you back!” Jelly said.

“Don’t wait up for me, sis!” I instructed her.

“Right! You still have your new business to go to tonight! I’ll be seeing you tomorrow then.” Jelly said.

“Let’s hope I don’t wake up too late though.” I teased. Jelly gave me a quick hug and then she leaves.

“So Jer, you ready to head to HQ?” Merry asked. I nodded and I followed her to her carriage so we can head back to the agency.

“How about making it to Ponyville on time?” I asked.

”Relax, I’m just using my vacation days right now.” Merry said. “The FDA is pretty much a hobby to me. I bet it’ll be a hobby to you as well!”

”Well, this was fun!” I said.

“Then I’m sure you and this job will get along juuuuust fine!” Merry said.

So Merry and I made it to the FDA Headquarters back at the Downtown area. I waved to the mare behind the desk whom I saw this morning, and she waved back. She then said, “I’m only doing that because it’s my contract.”

”Huh.” I responded. Merry and I went inside the elevator and went up to the 45th room where the briefing room was. There were agents all over this building. There were some offices too, plus some lounges where agents are seen hugging. I gotta say, the Friendship Detection Agency seems like a fine place to be! I liked the view too of LP. We were really high up. The FDA building was among the tallest buildings in LP, alongside the DIF building, and the tallest building in the whole city was the Trustworthy Depository. The second most secure bank in all of Equestria, with the first being the vaults at Canterlot. The Trustworthy Depository makes the Bank of Equestria building back in Mareami seem like a simple place to raid.

When we got to the briefing room there were several other agents in there around the room awaiting their missions. One of the agents walks over to me and gives me a glare, “Welcome to the agency, newbie. Don’t do anything cocky.” The agent suggested.

“Is that a threat?” I asked. “Isn’t that against FDA regulations?”

”Not if it’s a promise.” The agent said as he walks out of the room.

“He seems charming.” I said.

“He’s just testing you for any weaknesses.” Merry said.

“Yeah they’ll getchya.” Apple Fritter said as she appears out of nowhere while wearing the same exact outfit Merry was wearing.

”WHOA! Apple Fritter?! You’re an agent too?!” I yelled.

“Ah’ve been with you the whole time!” Apple Fritter said.

“What?” I asked.

“Oh, sorry, ah thought you were asking how ah just disappeared and appeared out of nowhere, that’s what the most newbie agents ask.” Apple Fritter said.

“Apple Fritter is our technical supervisor.” Merry said. “She hid cameras all over the studio, watching your every work, and our director is just observing them now before he or she briefs you.”

”Mah famous apple fritters even come with a built in camera!” Apple Fritter said as she shows me her tray of fritters again with a camera lends sticking out of one of them. “Wanna see some of the footage, Jer?”

”Yeah, I’d rather not see the inside of a pony’s stomach, thank you, love” I said. “So you even have a cloaking device, huh? That’s how you disappeared right before my eyes back at the studio!”

”Eeyep, but they’re nothin’ low budget. Ah shouldn’t be using them too much, but ah can’t help it sometimes!” Apple Fritter said and chuckled. “They’re just too much fun!”

“Incoming transmission from our director.” One of the agents said.

“Bring her on screen… or him on screen.” Merry said cautiously. The screen comes online and a dark shadow figure with waving air shows up on the screen.

“Greetings, Jerry Jam!” the figure said in a robotic disguise voice.

“Greetings, Princess Celestia!” I said. “I guess you’re the director of the FDA, oi?”

“I guess you’re too smart, Agent Jam!” Celestia said as she removes the shadow and turns off the disguise voice. “I should promote you for that!”

”Agent Jam, huh? So I’m an agent now?” I asked.

“You sure are! After seeing all of your efforts,” Celestia started when she shows me the footage of everything I’ve done back at the studio, “you are clearly FDA material! I must say, I am quite impressed of your backstory. After all you’ve done in your past, you learned from your mistakes and want to do some good. I am very proud of you!”

”Being a criminal taught me a lot, your highness.” I said. “I want to undo all the bad I’ve done and restore some good in Equestria.”

”Well we can do that!” Celestia said. “I have a mission for you, Agent Jam!”

”Right now?” I asked.

”Whenever you’re ready!” Celestia said. “I know you have a stake partnership at a club and you should really get to that, but whenever you’re ready, I’d like you to use some of your rich funds to help out the poor ponies in Mareami that lost their businesses. It’s only fair.”

”It’s like I shouldn’ve turned myself in.” I admitted.

“Well it helped test your loyalty to your hoodlum friends; plus you got to know your friend Elusive a bit.” Celestia said.

“It’s true.” I said. “Hey being in prison seemed like a better place for me than being with my parents, but for what cost? General Lee betrayed us and then vanished, but the same thing happened to my parents. What has happened to them?”

”Well, perhaps we can help you out with that!” Celestia offered.

“Really? You’d do that for me?” I asked.

“As part of the FDA, our agents get handsomely rewarded for their efforts in keeping peace in Equestria.” Celestia said. “You see, I created the Friendship Detection Agency shortly after the banishment of my sister. Since I believed creating the EUP and the Wonderbolts wasn’t enough, and with the Elements of Harmony dysfunctional after my sister’s banishment, I needed an elite corps of agents to help spread friendship and harmony across Equestria. It’s too much for me to handle by myself, and that’s when I made the FDA.”

”How about the DIB?” I asked.

“The Disharmony Investigation Bureau?” Celestia asked.

“Seriously? I thought it was called DIF?” Merry asked.

“I kinda prefer Bureau too.” Celestia admitted. “Anyways, I cannot answer much about the DIF. They were created a couple of decades after the FDA was made. They were a pretty successful agency, but I don’t 100% agree to their tactics. It’s not wise to force harmony to ponies.”

”So why didn’t you do anything about it?” I asked.

“I don’t control the corporations in Equestria.” Celestia said. “Even though my sister and I are the rulers in Equestria, we don’t mess with the other corporations unless it messes with personal well-being of other ponies. We help fund the agency because they are successful. Even though I question their tactics, Equestria is safe with them around, as well as the FDA, which is why I try to give the FDA as much to do with any disharmony around Equestria before the DIF does. I’m sure with a pony of your talents, Agent Jam, you’ll be able to do tons of good for Equestria!”

“I’ll do all I can to make sure Equestria is safe from any hate. I assure you.” I promised.

”Then in that case,” Celestia started as a slot on the briefing table opens revealing a tuxedo and some sunglasses, “welcome to the Friendship Detection Agency, Jerry Jam!” I was pretty amazed after I saw the tuxedo and sunglasses. I can’t believe it! I am an official FDA agent now!

After I put on my sunglasses, I asked, “What are your orders, director?”

Celestia giggles. “I don’t give orders, I just suggest them. We don’t punish those who don’t do their jobs, but we reward greatly to those that do.”

”That’s why we have a lot of slackers here.” Apple Fritter said.

“Well you won’t get that from me, your highness!” I said.

“Excellent!” Celestia said. “Now, good luck on your future assignments, and stay well!” Celestia said as the signal cuts off.

“Well I’m sure we all have things to do. I have to get back in Ponyville.” Merry said. “I’m looking after a few ponies. I’m sure you’re acquainted with one of them, Jer. Flare Gun, right?”

“Ah yeah, I remember him.” I nodded. “Herb Leafhorn really had it out on him. Made his life miserable.”

“Ah helped him once when we was at Appleloosa.” Apple Fritter said.

“There’s some mysterious entity that keeps trying to make his life miserable over there though, we’re still trying to find out who it is.” Merry said. “Herb Leafhorn, however, he’s actually changed. He joined the Friendship Mafia in attempt to undo the bad he’s done.”

”The Friendship Mafia, huh? I just met them yesterday.” I nodded. “I mean, not Herb Leafhorn though, another pony in the group by the name of Clay Cement.”

“Well while they’re trying to restore peace in Mareami, and the ponies that wield the Elements of Harmony are protecting Canterlot County, we’re trying to handle everything else.” Merry said. “Anyways, I should head back to Ponyville and look after the Noble Six. I’ll see you around, Jer!”

“You too, Mer! Hey, Mer? Thanks for everything. I’m glad to be a part of this!” I said. Merry smiled and nodded and walked off.

“Well, I should head back to our main HQ in the desert. That’s pretty much my post.” Apple Fritter said.

“How many FDA HQs are there?” I asked.

“Well, we have this one in Las Pegasus, we have that one in the desert a few miles from Appleloosa, there’s an undercover HQ at Manehatten: the United Harmony Paper, and the rest around Equestria are just undercover outposts with nothing major. We’re trying to get more posts around Equestria so we can cover more ground.” Apple Fritter explained. “The DIF lately have been catching up to us to the number of major friendship issues happening around Equestria. We must keep on our tippy-hooves, and keep watchful eyes around Equestria. Most of our funding comes from the Trustworthy Depository across the street. That’s where most government funding comes from, and a lot of our agents have been slacking off. If this keeps up, they may suspend our funding.”

“I’ll do what I can to make sure the FDA stays in tip-top shape, love. I assure you.” I promised.

”Thank you! I really appreciate it, Agent Jam!” Apple Fritter said.

“Alright, well, thanks for everything, Agent Fritter! See ya!” I said to Apple Fritter. So I walked out of the agency, and headed back to The Jam, just in time for my shift! Time to make sure everything in Elusive’s club goes alright. I’m glad life is giving me a second chance! I think I’m going to enjoy leaving here in LP!

Author's Note:

It's about time Jerry started his FDA duties, so I made this chapter his first mission! It's a training mission, yes, but they were live excersies. Now I bet you're wondering why I made Merry May and Apple Fritter FDA agents? Well first off, Apple Fritter, she's everywhere in Equestria. She visits Ponyville, she was at Canterlot Wedding, she pretty much lives in Appleloosa cause she's there most times, so I thought, what if I made her an FDA agent? So I did! It would explain why she's everywhere in Equestria, plus she's my favorite Apple family background pony! Now Merry May, she's my favorite background pony in general! I just like the way she looks, she's so pretty, so I wanted to give her personality!

I really hope one day Merry May has dialogue on the show. No I don't count her dialogue in Griffon the Brush Off, it was a background dialogue. She wasn't clearly heard, I don't count that. So now Jerry's an FDA agent! Jerry will have a few missions before the next chapter but the next mission is the first mission that really moves the story forward! Beileve me, I'm really getting everything planned! :D