Just Deserts
So the pilot was flying me to our desert HQ in the desert. Huh… I just double worded, or whatever it’s called. As we were flying there, I kept trying to call Jelly, but she wouldn’t answer. This is my seventh message I’m giving her. “Oi, Jell, it’s me.” I said. “Please return my call. I know I haven’t been a good friend, but this mission is the big one. I may not come back from it. But like you said, you know I will come back; so when I do, I’m going to take a few weeks off. You, me, Elusive, Orange, and Cesaer, we’ll go on vacation. We’re going to spend together as it should be. You’re right, I have been neglecting you all, and I promise I will make it up to you all, as soon as this mission ends. The director will not deny this request. But please, sis, call me back!” I then hung up.
“Relationship troubles, friend?” the pilot asked.
“Wha- NO!” I said. “Haven’t you been listening? I called her sis!”
“I call my marefriend ‘sis’ all the time.” The pilot said.
I was silent for a few moments, and then I said awkwardly, “Uhh… yeeeeah… I’m just gonna keep trying to call her.” I almost did, but as I looked out, I saw a solid metal bunker down below with a bunch of watchtowers. That had to be the FDA HQ. “Oi! That the headquarters down there?”
“No, that’s the decoy bunker, just in case there are intruders.” The pilot corrected me.
“Is that one it?” I asked as I pointed to another bunker nearby.
“No, that’s Area 45, some alien research facility.” The pilot informed me.
“Oh.” I said as I pointed to another bunker. “I’m guessing that one ain’t it.”
“You’re right, that ain’t it.” The pilot said.
“What is that bunker then?” I asked.
“That’s Area 46.” He said. “It’s a lot like Area 45, only they have a better insurance policy.”
“Oh.” I said.
“Here’s the FDA HQ! We’re just about to land!” the pilot said as he started descending the chopper over towards the HQ down below. It looked like a very secure facility. Watchtowers everywhere, and auto-turrets that even shoot down mosquitoes if they get to close.
“Wow, that’s barbaric.” I commented.
“But that’s what makes the FDA such a kind and helpful agency! We care for the ponies’ well-being!” the pilot said.
“By killing insects?” I asked.
“Just the ones that bite.” The pilot said. “We’re making a ton of ponies happy!”
“Uhh… if you say so, mate.” I said awkwardly. So the helicopter lands on top of the helipad on top of the bunker on top of the sand on top of the desert on top of the Earth’s crust on top of the Earth’s core. I exit the helicopter and a couple of agents await me.
“Welcome, Agent Jam!” one of the agents said. “We’ve been expecting you! Come, Agent May and Agent Fritter are awaiting you in the control room.” So I follow the agents down the stairs and into the bunker. There were more FDA agents here than I’ve ever seen at the Las Pegasus HQ. I’ve even seem some familiar faces from my Mareami days that were here. Since when was that jewelry store owner an agent? I recognized him, but he didn’t recognize me, thank gosh. I just kept walking. Everypony in this facility is an FDA agent. I didn’t see one pony without a jumpsuit or tux. It looks like this might be a restricted area for anypony not an agent, or a princess for that matter since the princesses have more clearance than anypony else.
Before getting to the control room, I saw a pony driving a forklift, and it made me want to ride on it so bad, but duty calls. The agent takes out his keycard and swipes it on the door slot where the control center is, and then the mechanical doors open revealing a room with so many computers and servers, and even giant monitors across the way. Merry May and Apple Fritter were on the third row of computers to the front. “You should know where to go from here, Agent Jam.” The agent I followed said. “Now remember the ID you were given when you first got accepted into the agency?”
Oh that’s right, I never mentioned the ID card did I? It contains the clearance codes so I can access certain areas in any FDA base. The codes remotely change depending on my mission. Like if one area is locked, it’ll be unlocked for me when I’m told to go there, and then it’ll lock again when I’m no longer needed. The security stations in the bases usually remote the codes from there. “So, yeah,” the agent continued, “your pass has been modified so you can go through certain areas in the base.”
“Has the bathroom codes been added?” I asked. “Because on my first day, the security station made that mistake and forgot to add them.”
“Feel free to call them if they did forget.” The agent advised me. “Had an accident?”
“Yeah kind of.” I admitted.
“Did you clean it up before anypony noticed?” the agent asked.
“No.” I said.
“Why not?” the agent asked.
“Because I didn’t have clearance to the janitor’s closet.” I said.
“Ah!” the agent nodded. “Well we needed to lock up that closet. Agents kept stealing toilet paper. Anyways, good luck on your future endeavors. Agent May and Agent Fritter are in this row waiting for ya.”
“Thanks, mate!” I said as he walked away. I walked over to the row and saw there was one computer available in between Merry and Fritter. “Oi!” I said to them.
“Jerry! Good to see you!” Merry greeted. “We saved you a seat!”
“Thanks!” I said as I sat down on the chair. “So what do you two need me for?”
“This is the big one, Jer!” Apple Fritter said. “This mission is goin’ to make other missions seem like a picnic!”
“And you said the DIF was onto us about that.” I reminded them.
“Right.” Merry said. “But don’t worry about the DIF, we’ll deal with them later. We’re tracking down a Zeppelin.”
“A Zeppelin?” I asked.
“Yeah, an airship.” Fritter said. “One is flying over to Mareami, and it is holdin’ the Equestria Commission, home to the five mob families.”
“More like four families.” Merry corrected her. “The fifth position keeps getting replaced by new mobs. We’re not sure who’s fighting for the position yet, but we know who the other four families are.”
“Fraterno mob family led by Amore Fraterno,” Fritter started, “the Penna family led by Neon Penna, the Mela Di Legno mob family led by Mela Di Legno, and of course the mob that owns the Commission, the Marmellata family.”
“Who leads that one?” I asked.
“Nopony knows.” Fritter said. “The don doesn’t get out much. Mr. Marmellata sounds out messages to his Commission in shadow form and a disguised voice, much like Agent S of the DIF.”
“You think they’re the same pony then?” I asked.
“Unknown at this time.” Merry said. “It could be possible, but not certain. We don’t know much about the Marmellata family, but we do know a little about them that we’ve seen in a previous mission. For example: the Zeppelin the Commission owns, I saw that Zeppelin at the Docks when were trying to convert the Sphinx Cartel. They bought some Centaur dust from them. So we know they are dangerous.”
“Which is why we called this a dangerous mission.” Fritter added. “If they didn’t buy the dust, then this mission would probably be not as dangerous.”
“I doubt they’re going to use the dust the right way.” I assumed.
“And like you say, Jer, we know that the Sphinx Cartel has an alliance with the Marmellata mob.” Merry said. “Right now we’re trying to track the Commission airship and find out what other information we can dispatch.”
“Well I do have a little something.” I said. “My boss, Elusive, he’s going through mob troubles with the Mela Di Legno family.”
“Just so we’re clear, mah family has NO connections with them!” Apple Fritter said. “Ok? They may have an ‘Apple’ in their name, but trust me, we’re not related!”
“What are you talking about, Fritter?” I asked.
“Well if you translate Mela Di Legno, you have Apple Wood, which is the name of a district in Las Pegasus.” Fritter said. “Each of the four mobs has their mob names translated in a different language.”
“How about the other mobs?” I asked.
“Ah do have a file on them somewhere.” Fritter said as she searched for files on her computer.
“Well that’s not important right now. We need to track this airship.” Merry said. “That’s what the three of us are assigned to do. If we can find out what the Commission is up to, we’re going to attempt to convert them. We’ll make them like our connections, an organization that does good instead of evil.”
“Well it looks like the show is about to begin.” Fritter said as she observed the radar. “The Zeppelin is startin’ to descend onto the field of the Lunar Space Center.”
“It’s a restricted area though, why are they allowed to land there?” Merry asked.
“The Commission are VERY rich folk.” Fritter said. “They no doubt paid off the officials.”
“Let us get a security footage online.” Merry suggested.
“Hackin’ the Lunar Center security software… now.” Fritter said as she was rapidly typing on her computer in attempt to hack the software. “Aaaaand… done! Security in this center is as low as an ant bein’ harsh.”
“Mainly because the shuttles aren’t being used anymore.” Merry said.
“Ah heard they’re makin’ somethin’ newer and better!” Fritter said.
“Well the magic of science evolves everything!” Merry said. “Science is magic!”
“What else could be magic?” Fritter asked.
“I know right?” Merry agreed.
“Gee… I wonder how my friends are doing right now.” I mumbled to myself.
“Ah see the footage, ah see the footage!” Fritter said as she observed security at the space center.
“What do you see, Fritter?” Merry asked.
“Ah see… ah see… ah see a bunch of mosquitoes. Curse this infa-red security camera! Go away! Yer blockin’ the way!” Fritter complained. “Wait, wait, ah see… ah see… a bright future for you!” she teased as she looked at me.
“Very funny.” I said sarcastically. “C’mon, what else do you see, gypsy?”
“Well in all seriousness, ah see a couple of carriages arrivin’ at the guard gate at the center. The guard is lettin’ them in.” Fritter said. “Ah’m not sure who they are though. Probably an alliance with a small-time gang like the Sphinx Cartel. Aw’righty then it looks like they’re goin’ through the gate.”
“Let’s check out another camera.” Merry suggested.
“On it.” Fritter said as she changes the security footage to another camera. “Ok, ah see… WHOA! Why is there a camera in the Mare’s Locker Room?!”
“Change it!” Merry instructed her.
“Now hang on, let’s not be so hasty.” I stopped them. “There could be a lot of suspicious activity in there. Maybe something illegal hidden in a soap package.” Merry and Fritter both glared at me.
“Change it, Fritter.” Merry instructed her again.
“Changin’ in!” Fritter said as she switches camera views again.
“Wait stop!” Merry yelled and Fritter stops. “Go back.” Fritter goes back a few clips. “STOP! One more forward.” She does so. “Ok, yeah, there it is! The ones from the gate parked into the field awaiting the airship.”
“Can you identify them?” I asked.
“Nope, too dark.” Fritter said. “Ah’ll need to adjust the lighting.” So Fritter adjusts the light a bit in the security footage.
“Now it’s too bright.” Merry said.
“You think ah don’t know that, Merry?!” Fritter complained. “You pointin’ it out isn’t gonna fix it up, doncha know?”
“Sor-ry!” Merry said defensively. So Fritter lowered the brightness again.
“Maybe ah should try zooming in.” Fritter suggested.
“Do it.” Merry agreed as she did so.
“AW C’MON!” Fritter cried.
“Now it’s all blurry!” I pointed out.
“This is why we make Fritter the technology expert, so none of us have to put up with this garbage.” Merry said.
“Luckily ah know mah way around technology.” Fritter said as she raised the resolution a bit. “Ok the blur is goin’ away. Ah think ah see… ah see a pretty wide pony. Ah can’t see his face. Yeah these are mobsters all right.”
“But which one?” I asked.
“Ah’m not sure.” Fritter said.
“Wait!” I stopped her. “Give me a closer look at that green pony!”
“Sure.” Fritter said, but just then the monitor got staticy. She inhales and yells angrily, “REALLY?! REALLY!? You do that now?! You do that thing now?!”
“Lost connection, huh?” Merry asked. “Tough luck. Like I said before, Jer, luckily we don’t have to worry about technology.”
“Amen to that, love.” I nodded.
Well this is going to take a while to fix. Let’s see how my friends back home are doing. Elusive was pacing back and forth in his office at the club while Jelly was relaxing on his chair. “Elou, you should really relax. Panicking isn’t going to help out.” Jelly suggested.
“I can’t help it, Jell!” Elusive said worriedly. “How do we know this is going to work? I’m getting stressed out. Can we go get some fancy dinner?”
“Shhh, shh shh shhhh.” Jelly stood up and comforted him. “It’s ok. It’s ok. We’ll get through this, love. We’ll just pay off the mobsters and everything will get back to normal.”
“Ooooh… are you sure you want to be here, my sweet Jelly?” Elusive asked. “Oh, I can’t bear to see you get hurt! Maybe you should leave the money here, I’ll pay them off, you go home.”
“Hey! You already sent all your employees home! You need somepony here with you!” Jelly said.
“Why? I have lost the will to go on anyway!” Elusive said as he got teary eyed. “Jerry abandoned me. He’s just like all my exes! He’s probably just using me!”
“No, no he’s not.” Jelly said. “Look at me, Elou. Look at me. And open your eyes too.”
“I’m hideous!” Elusive whined as he covers his face. “All my maskcara is washing off!”
“Just look at me!” Jelly instructed him, and he does so. He’s just got a lot of things on his plate.”
“What sort of things?” Elusive asked and sniffled. “He never told me what he’s been doing! It’s just excuses and excuses! What’s that nutjob’s problem!”
“WE’LL tell you what his problem is!” Orange Swirl yelled as he bursts into Elusive’s office with Cesaer Salad with him. “We’ll tell you EXACTLY what you need to know!”
“Orange Swirl? Cesaer Salad?” Jelly said surprisingly.
“What do these clowns want?” Elusive asked.
“You call us clowns now, holms, but what we’re about to tell you, it’ll explain EVERYTHING.” Cesaer said.
“What?” Elusive asked.
“Yeah Jerry said you two know the truth.” Jelly said. “How much do you know?”
“WAIT!” Elusive stopped and backed away from Jelly. “YOU know? You know what’s going on with Jerry?”
“Well… uhh…” Jelly stuttered.
“She does know!” Orange said. “Jerry tells his sister EVERYTHING!”
“But… but…” Elusive stuttered. “Jell… why didn’t you tell me?”
“Well… I…” she stuttered.
“Go on, Jelly. Tell him! Tell us all everything you know about your brother Jerry Jam!” Orange instructed her.
“If that’s even his REAL name!” Cesaer added. Jelly really didn’t know what to say. She just stood there in panic. “It’s allllll coming together now!”
“Jelly was in on it this whole time!” Orange said. “And would’ve known? Jerry’s hot sister was actually in on it!”
“WHAT?!” Jelly yelled. “I was NOT in on it! Also, thank you, I appreciate the compliment. You really think I’m that hot?”
“Smokin’!” Orange said.
“Jelly, dear, what are you hiding from us?” Elusive asked upsettingly. “Please tell us!”
“Uhh…. Uhhh…” Jelly froze.
“If you won’t, J. We will.” Cesaer promised.
“Well…” Jelly started. “Ok, I do know a lot that’s going on with Jerry.”
“To be honest I’m relieved that it doesn’t have to do with those two since they don’t know!” Elusive admitted as he pointed to Orange and Cesaer.
“HEEEEY!” they both complained.
“So… if you must know,” Jelly continued, “Jerry is actually part of-“
Just then, the door slams open and a bunch of mobsters burst in. One of them had a baseball bat. The baseball bat mobster walked in with a pretzel in his mouth and said, “Elusive… we’re here to take what’s rightfully ours.”
“B-but…” Elusive stuttered. “You’re not the same loan sharks as before!”
“I know! The Mela De Legnos are… a bit busy right now.” the mobster said. “We’re part of the Marmellata family! Not all of us were needed in the meet.”
“Meet? What meet?” Jelly asked.
“Doesn’t matter. We’re here take you all with us!” the mobster said.
“But here!” Jelly said as she picked up a briefcase from under Elusive’s desk. “We have it! We have the money!”
“Really now?” the mobster asked. “Open it… let’s see it.”
“Sure.” Jelly said as she dialed the combination on the briefcase’s lock and opened it. The mobsters saw what was inside, and it was just a key.
“A key? What charade is this?” the mobster asked.
“It’s a key to the briefcase of where the money’s stored.” Jelly said as she took out the key, through the briefcase aside, and then took out another briefcase and put the key in the lock and opened it, and there it was! “Here you go! The money… as promised! Plus, a little extra so you won’t have to make an excuse on late charges or currency. I know you mobster types.”
“Ahhh.” The lead mobster said as they all nodded. “Very clever, girl! Very clever! Our boss was right about you!”
“Your boss?” Jelly asked.
“Yeah, Mr. Marmellata.” The mobster said. “Thank you for paying back the money, so… we won’t take anything that’s yours.”
“Oh thank you! Thank you, Jelly!” Elusive gratefully said as he hugged her. “Thank you so much! You saved my club!”
“Yeah, yeah, big whoop.” Orange said sarcastically. “Now, mobsters, we have some things to discuss with your client, homies, so if you please-“
“Oh no!” the mobster said mischievously. “No, no, no, no, noooo! You paid us back so you’re finances are saved, but that doesn’t save YOU from any harm!”
“What?!” Elusive cried.
“Excuse me, but we paid you off!” Jelly reminded the mobsters. “You have no more business with Elusive here! You are to be on your way now!”
“Oh but my dear Jelly Jam, we’re not here for the money, even though this money would make a good investment to us, the boss paid us to kidnap all of you!” the mobster corrected her.
“WHAT?!” Elusive cried out in a squeaky voice.
“You can’t do that!” Jelly informed them.
“We can and we WILL!” the mobster said. “Tie ‘em up, boys!”
“WHAT?!” Elusive cried out again.
“Dude, you gotta stop being such a girly-boy, it’s embarrassing!” one of the other mobsters said as he tied up Elusive.
“HEY, dog! Get your hooves off me!” Orange complained.
“Yeah, holms! What do you want with us? We never seen a mobster in our entire lives before you came in!” Cesaer said.
“First time for anything, huh hoodlums?” a mobster said as they attempted to tie up my friends.
“May I make a suggestion?” Elusive asked. “You could’ve tricked us into thinking you were officials protecting us from the mobsters and tricked us into coming with you. Just saying.”
“Elou! Who’s side are you on?” Jelly complained.
“That depends. Who’s side are YOU on, dear?” Elusive asked her. “Hiding Jerry’s secrets from us!”
“Good idea! We’ll try that next time!” the mobster who tied up Elusive said.
“OW!” Elusive yelled. “You could TRY to take me out to dinner before doing agreeing to do this!”
“Oh please let’s not share a trunk with HIM!” Orange hoped.
“I’m not putting you in the trunk!” the mobster corrected him. “You’ll suffocate in there! The boss wants you four ALIVE!”
“Sooo… if we tried running, you wouldn’t try deadly methods to stop us right?” Cesaer asked.
“Really, Cesaer?” Orange asked with a glare. “Really?”
“Well if the boss is desperate to have us alive then maybe.” Cesaer shrugged.
“Don’t test us.” The mobster advised him as they escorted the two out.
“Glad Jerry wasn’t here when this happened.” Elusive said. “I bet he wouldn’t be much help anyway. Would he, Jell?” Jelly didn’t say anything. Instead, she felt full of regret.
Back in the FDA HQ, Apple Fritter kept attempting to get the security footage back online. “So how do you suppose is the best way to fix it?” I asked her.
“Only the most professional way possible.” Fritter said. She then bangs her hoof on top of the monitor, and the security footage comes back online.
“Oi, it worked!” I pointed out.
“Of course it worked. It always works!” Fritter said. “But there’s only one right way of doing it. You have to tap it the right way in order to get it right.”
“Wait what’s going on there?” Merry asked as she looked at the footage and saw the Zeppelin was taking off.
“The airship’s takin’ off.” Fritter said. “It would appear its work there is done.”
“Why is there some ponies falling from the sky?” Merry asked as she pointed to five ponies holding hoof and hoof as one pegasus glided them to lower their momentum. “That seems unusual.”
“Hmm, what do y’all suppose what happened?” Fritter asked.
“Deal gone wrong or something?” I asked. “Why else would a group of thugs fall out of the sky in the most dangerous and panic way possible?”
“Something must be up.” Merry assumed. “But what kind of information are we getting from the Commission at this time?”
“Barely any.” Fritter said.
“This whole thing is bloody useless! Why do we rely on this junk anyway?” I complained.
“HEY! Friendship Detection Agency, Jer! Treat these electronics with respect!” Fritter instructed him.
“Huh?” I asked as I turned to Merry.
“Don’t worry about it. She’s a techno-geek.” Merry said.
“You mean techno-geekete?” I corrected her.
“That seems like an unnecessary way to say words.” Merry said. “Why make up a new word just for mares? Geekete… actress… Smurfete… that sort of thing. We’re not in the early 1900s anymore. Mares have rights!”
“I didn’t say that!” I corrected her.
“You’re darn right, you didn’t!” Merry said angrily. “We are strong and independent! Right, Fritter?”
“Ah don’t care one way or another.” Fritter said. “Opinions are opinions.”
“I meant, I didn’t say mares didn’t have rights! Don’t automatically assume I’m trying to be offensive! It offends me!” I complained.
“You’re thinking I’M offending you who’s offending me?! I’m offended!” Merry said angrily.
“You think I’m offending you who’s offending me who’s offending you? I am so bloody distraught!” I said angrily.
“HEY! Friendship Detection Agency, you two!” Fritter reminded us. “Treat eachother with respect! Everyone and everything deserves it!”
“Except mosquitoes though, right?” I asked.
“Well OBVIOUSLY!” Fritter said with an attitude.
“So did you get a good look at the suspects, Fritter?” Merry asked.
“No ah didn’t.” Fritter said. “It’s weird. The Commission looks like they’re plannin’ somethin’, but it looks like a plan goin’ wrong of some sort. By which side, I cannot tell. Did things with the Commission not go as planned, or did things with these mysterious figures not go as planned?”
“Wouldn’t it be wise to find out who these ponies are and talk to them?” I asked.
“Well that actually depends, Jer.” Fritter said. “You see the ways things work in the criminal underworld is mysterious. The Manehatten city council knows about the Commission, but they choose not to let anypony in the city know about them.”
“Wha- what does that have to do with what I’m saying?” I asked.
“No clue, but if we’re goin’ to get a mission like this done, we should keep it secret to the public.” Fritter said. “Those who wield the Elements of Harmony… they don’t even know about the criminal underworld. While they handle minor friendship problems, we’re tryin’ to make things easier for them by dealin’ with those who are incredibly corrupted. You see, sugarcube, criminals are criminals for a reason. Whatchya gotta know is that the reasons are normally not stupid reasons.”
Fritter sticks out her right hoof and says, “Over here, we have criminals who are who they are because they are neglected in some way.” She then sticks out her left hoof and says, “Over here, we have criminals who are who they are because they can’t find an easier way to make money. A very good example is this one pony from Trottin’ham, a friend of mah coltfriend. After the tragic loss of his mother, he had to fulfill crime to make a livin’, and now he’s clean and got his doctor on. A PH.D astronomer!”
“Like you, Jer!” Merry said.
“No, not like me.” I corrected her. “I was a criminal for fun. He was a criminal for a reason. I was a criminal for neither of those reasons.”
“You were neglected, weren’tcha?” Fritter asked me.
I nodded. “Yes… yes I was. You make a fair point, but what about Orange and Cesaer? They joined me, and nopony neglected them.”
“The fear of bein’ neglected is still in the same category.” Fritter said.
“What are you saying?” I asked.
“They’re part of a gang, right?” Fritter asked.
“Yeah.” I nodded.
“The fear of bein’ neglected by their own gang.” Fritter said. “You see? It has to be one of those two reasons. If ya ever think of another reason, Jer. Please, lay it on me.”
“Well…” I thought. I tried to think of other reasons. I thought of the Sphinx Cartel, but then I remembered, they were criminals to save their homeland. What about the crook from Galactic Studios? Yes… yeah he could be a good example. “Hey, Fritter?”
“If yer thinkin’ about that crook from Galactic Studios, ah I read his file.” Fritter said. “When he was in charge, Galactic Studios’ stock was goin’ down the toilet. He was a crook because he had no other idea what to do next.”
“Crud!” I mumbled.
“Relax, Jer, I’ll help you think of something later.” Merry comforted me. “But for now, we need to focus on our situation. The director is counting on us.” I nodded in agreement. It was time to get back to work.
After a little while went by, the computer mainframe started to make a noise. “Oi! What’s going on?” I asked.
“Somepony is trying to contact us.” Merry said. “Probably the director though. I mean it’s illegal for anypony else to be calling us.”
One of the agents up near the mainframe accepted the call, and revealing himself onto the screen was… not the director, but an orange nerdy pony. “This is the FDA Headquarters.” The agent said to the nerdy pony. “Contacting this frequency is illegal to anypony not an agent or the princesses. Please identify yourself.”
“Yeah hello!” the nerdy pony said.
“Hi.” The agent said. “Please identify yourself.”
“Identify me, the pony, or us the group?” the nerd asked.
“Both.” The agent said.
“Well… we’re part of a peaceful organization and… umm… we’ve got connections to… your organization.” The nerd explained nervously.
“Uh huh… go on.” The agent nodded.
“We have a problem that has something to do with the Commission.” The nerd said.
“Oi! Stop!” I interrupted as I walked over to the monitor. “The Commission you say? We’re trying to track them now, so to speak. What do you know about the Commission?”
“Wait…” some familiar green pony with black hair, a white shirt, and a black stripped vest, and a baseball bat cutie mark said as he walked over to the screen. “I know you!”
“Oh my Celestia! Herb Leafhorn, is that you?” I asked surprisingly.
“Jerry Jam, it’s… been too long.” Herb Leafhorn said.
“What’s going on? What do you know about the Commission?” the other agent asked.
“Nuh uh! Why are we talking to that pony?” I asked the agent. “He’s bad news!”
“You’re the one to talk! You’re an FDA agent?” Herb asked surprisingly.
“What’s it to ya?” I asked Herb angrily. “After the way you treated Flare Gun? Be lucky he’s got a good life now!”
“Jerry, I… I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not like that.” Herb explained. “I’ve seen the error of my ways. You may not know it, but Flare and I have made peace. But it’s you that should be ashamed! You just let me beat him up! You didn’t do nothin’ to help him! What kind of pony does that make you?”
“Now just calm down! Both of you!” Merry interpreted our argument. “You think arguing is going to solve this?”
“Exactly!” the nerd agreed.
“Who is this?” Herb asked.
“Agent Merry May. Who is that pony with you, so we’d both be even?” Merry asked.
“Turnip Orch.” The nerd said. “I’m the technology expert of the Friendship Mob!”
“So is our friend Apple Fritter!” Merry said.
“Friendship Mob? Wait, what?” I asked surprisingly. “YOU! Herb Leafhorn, Jr. You’re part of the Friendship Mob?”
“You’re part of the FDA?” Herb asked back.
“Guess we both did bad things.” I said. “I guess we’re on the same boat here. You joined the Friendship Mob in attempt to redeem your conscience?”
“That I did.” Herb nodded. “I really felt bad about the bad things I done. So I’m now I’m trying to redeem the bad things I’ve done in the past by doing good things.”
“You and me both, mate.” I said.
“What do you have against the Commission?” Herb asked.
“What do you know about it?” I asked.
“Loads.” Herb said. “Why? What are you planning to do with them? We’re trying to convert them to use their organizations for good.”
“Is that so?” I asked. “Hmm… maybe we can work together on this. We’re trying to convert them as well. You think we could work together on this?”
“You’re our connections!” Herb said. “We should work together on this. A few of our fellow mobsters got captured by the Commission. Probably the leader of the Sharks mob has something to do with it. We’re fighting for the fifth Commission position, you see.”
“Well, my boss has some trouble with the Commission as well. He owes the Mela Di Legno mob some money.” I said. “I’m hoping him and my sister would be able to pay them off, including interests and such. My sister Jelly’s no fool.”
“Well I hope they’re alright.” Herb said.
“So what’s the plan?” Merry asked.
“Well… since the Sharks have been a problem for us, and the Commission seems to… at least used to trust us, we can try to persuade the Commission to trust us again.” Turnip said. “We can also attempt to find information about them.”
“Where does that leave us then?” Merry asked.
“You’re good with criminals.” Turnip said. “I heard what you’ve all did with the Sphinx Cartel.”
“H-how?” Merry asked.
“I hacked into your software. How could I not?” Turnip asked. “I know it’s illegal, but I heard that professionals like me that hack government software could be useful to you.”
“That is true.” Merry said. “So I guess you work for us now.”
“Temporarily.” Turnip said. “It’s until the Commission is taken care of. What you FDA agents should do is try to get info from the other small-time Manehatten gangs. Maybe that might help providing a weakness or a plan in attempt to convert the Commission.”
“That doesn’t sound like a bad idea.” Merry said. “But where did you get the Manehatten idea from?”
“The Marmellata own the Commission.” Turnip said. “The Marmellata family runs the Zeppelin.”
“And whoever is in charge of the Zeppelin is in charge of the Commission.” Herb added.
“Right, and the Marmellatas base in Manehatten, so they should be there.” Turnip said.
“Sounds like a plan then.” Merry said. “Jerry, go get Apple Fritter and pack your things.”
“I never unpacked them. I basically just got here.” I reminded her.
“Well then get ready to move out. We’re going to Manehatten!” Merry said to him, she then turns to us and said, “Thank you, Friendship Mob. We’ll try to get as much info as we can from the small-time gangs, and you deal with the Commission. We’re relying on you not to squander our trust. We’re counting on you.”
“As we to you.” Turnip said. “We’ll meet up in Manehatten once we got the information we need. Good luck, Friendship Detection Agency.”
“Same to you, Friendship Mafia.” Merry said.
“Good luck, Herb.” I said. “If you claim to be who you say you are, then we’re not just doing this for ourselves, we’re doing it for Crimson Flare Gun too.”
“Why?” Herb asked. “I’ve done a lot for him already. I helped him feel welcomed, and I used the mob to help him rescue his friend from Dr. Swinebutt. What did you do?”
“Well I helped him feel welcomed, and… umm…” I stuttered. “Umm…”
“Yeah, well, let me know when you decide to really assist him.” Herb teased.
“Ugh!” I groaned.
“Over and out.” Merry said as she ends the call. She then faced me and asked, “You seemed to have a problem with that pony.”
“Who? Turnip Orch?” I asked. “I mean it was illegal to hack into our system like that, but I have nothing against him personally.”
“Uh huh, yeah, I’m talking about Herb Leafhorn.” Merry corrected me.
“Oh, him? Well, the way he treated Flare in the past… and to add to that, how his family have treated Flare’s family, it seemed to be like déjà vu when trying to split up the fight.” I said.
“I heard about that story.” Merry nodded. “But then you said you didn’t help Flare out.”
“Yeah, General Lee persuaded me it wasn’t a good idea.” I said. “What was I supposed to do? I had enough troubles as it is. My coincidence was starting to betray me. After seeing that fight, I met Elusive, and he helped me see the error of my ways. Elusive… my good friend.”
“What happened?” Merry asked. “Something happen between the two of you?”
“No, no it’s nothing.” I said. “It was just… I couldn’t explain to him exactly what was going on with me that made me not want to help him.”
“Right, I understand.” Merry nodded. “My employees at the cloud factory, they were friends of mine. Jerks to certain ponies, but they were good to me. They started to get suspicious on why I keep cutting work and giving the lead job to their quiet friend Score. I can’t just say, ‘Oh, it’s because I’m secret agent and I have missions to go to fighting a war on disharmony and such’. They’re a bunch of idiots anyway, but I also do it to protect them. You should hear Hoops and Dumb-Bell saying the same names over and over again to the ones they pick on. I find that very unfunny. I try to persuade them to stop, but they keep saying how jealous they are, how this one pony is actually a better flier than them and such. I’m pretty much their mentor, you see.”
“I understand.” I nodded. “I have to look after Elusive all the time. After he borrowed money from the mob, he kept asking me to lend him money to pay them off.”
“So why don’t you?” Apple Friiter asked as she joined the conversation. “You’re loaded, aren’t ya?”
“How is Elusive going to learn from his mistakes if I’m the one to fight his battles for him?” I asked. “He has to handle this on his own. But then he felt betrayed, and now my sister is filling that spot. How is he going to learn?”
“Or maybe it’s not him that needs to learn somethin’.” Fritter said. “Maybe it’s you.”
“Me?! You sound just like Jelly! Why do I have to be the one to learn something?!” I complained.
“Jer, he was in trouble, and you turned your back on him. He was desperate for help!” Fritter explained. “You ask a sensitive fella like Elusive to do this himself? Was he gettin’ beat up?”
“Well… yeah… but… I always try to rescue him.” I said.
“You’re a moron, Jer!” Fritter said angrily.
“I second that.” Merry agreed. “You let your friend get beat up just to teach him a lesson? No wonder he’s mad at you! I’m pretty sure those threats the mob gave him taught him enough!”
“How is he going to learn his lesson though?” I asked.
“I didn’t say he couldn’t learn his lesson.” Merry said. “I’m just said you shouldn’t let him get beat up! Now your sister is fighting your battles for you. Perhaps she should have the stake in his enterprise and not you.”
I couldn’t believe it. Everypony was going against me on this. But now I see… she has a point. Elusive needed my help when he was desperate for it, and I let him down. Wow, I deserved it. I deserved to be angered by all my friends. I may be a very good friendship agent, but I’m a bad friend all together. I did worse than what Herb could ever do to Flare… I assume. He beat him up, but only because he was taught that way. I knew better.
“Well… perhaps we should go now.” Fritter suggested. “Manehatten awaits us, and we have a job to do!”
“Right.” Merry agreed. “Jer, I hope you think long and hard about what we said, but let’s not let that get in the way. Next stop: Manehatten!”
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Ooooh. Just found this story and already reading the title and desc sounds interesting.
6402947 Nice! I hope you read the Friendship Mafia and Friendship is Epic later when you have the chance! They connect! And please enjoy! :D