The Courier's Journal

by RF and AG

Journal 20

Last Entry

I’ve made up my mind. I’m going to leave Canterlot, leave Equestria, leave society once more. So this will be my last entry in the journal before I leave it in the capable hooves of Celestia and Luna. They’ll take good care of it for now.

Yeah, it was hard to tell them about what I decided to do, but they took it really well. In fact, they seemed to think it might have been for the best, especially with the way I was lately. It seems that they had reached the same conclusion that I did; I was too fucking mopey and bored. Still, even though they encouraged it, I explained my reasoning and my plan.

At first, they seemed to be a little nervous about where I decided to go. Apparently the Unclaimed Lands weren’t the most hospitable and the closest town was actually twenty miles from where The Unclaimed Lands officially started. Ehh, I’ve had worse. As long as there was game and plants out there, I could live; and yes, there should be, according to all the books on the subject.

Honestly, I was a little relieved to hear them express that they wished the best for me and would help me continue my journey in finding myself. I expected this long winded speech on how I couldn’t go out there, or that after nearly six months here I couldn’t just abandon the place. I also expected a rather large guilt trip, but none of it came.

Great.

Anyway, I leave tomorrow, so I guess I should get some sleep tomorrow. Sure, I’ll be taking the train again but still … didn’t want to begin another journey on the wrong foot.

Actually, you know what … I’m going to write for a little more. Maybe a goodbye note, in a way.

Though I fucking hate saying goodbyes, they always felt too finite for my liking and never felt right. I always told those who I met, “until I see you again,” or something to that same effect. That way nothing was ever finished completely. Hell, I said that to the gang back in New Vegas before I left. They knew that even I could die at any given day. So I always made sure that my last words were never of completion.

Fuck, I missed them sometimes. I never wrote about it, but I would often find myself thinking about New Vegas and the crew at nights. Gave me more than one night of restless sleep. I mean, I knew deep down that they would be alright, but at the same time, I couldn’t help but worry for everything.

This is not the set of thoughts I wanted to write before leaving, but since we were already on this train, let’s go all the fucking way.

I’ve regretted a lot in my life. More regrets than people should be allowed to deal with, but that is the problem with being a man forced into decisions that make or break history. It wasn’t just the whole Mojave deal that caused regrets, or even my past with The Divide. No, it seems that the oldest memory I have is full of regret. Leaving my mom to join a caravan at an early age, never seeing her again and instead coming home to a ruined house years later. No note, no people left behind to tell me what happened.

Was she killed? Did she move? I’ll never fucking know, now.

Then this whole Mojave issue … the fucking mess that was left in hands that wouldn’t even be capable of holding a child. Retarded sons of bitches laying waste to people’s lives in order to better gain what they desired. Should have fucking nuked both sides … that way I would ensure the Mojave never got touched by that again.

No, that’s not right. Not right at all.

I wonder how many times I can run my hands through my hair before I start pulling it out from all of these thoughts.

Whatever, I’m dead to probably enough people as it is. Might as well find a grave somewhere in The Unclaimed Lands that would fitting for me, and one deep enough to not be retrieved from.

No, no, no, no, no!

Fuck, I’ve seriously got to stop talking like this. I’ve been melancholy enough as it is, enough is a fucking-nough!

If I’m going to die then, I’m fucking going out in a blaze of fire no matter what. I will not lie down and die like a fucking coward. I fought the Bull and outmaneuvered the Bear, I will not succumb to bullshit feelings of self doubt.

Luna, Celestia, I know you’re probably reading this or will be at some point. It’s understandable, don’t worry.

Listen, I’m not turning back from this, don’t try and find me, it’ll do you no good. I’ve disappeared before and it will be easy enough to do it again. I just want you two to know that this past half a year has been one of the most serene and pleasing that I’ve experienced. Sure I was restless more often the not, annoying even more so, and a little bit selfish, but I want you to know that from the bottom of my heart I thank you both for giving me a chance to find myself again.

Remember what I put above about not saying goodbyes? I’m going to make a promise, in one year’s time I will return and I’ll bring back stories of how I became the leader of a new nation out there! No matter where I am, or what manner of death has fallen on me, I will return again.

Donec obviam iterum, which hopefully translates to ‘till we meet again.’ I’m not very good with Latin, but you get the point.

I will end this journal with a quote I’ve always held dear to me. Something I once found hidden in a book, buried in the rubble of someone’s house. There wasn’t much left of the book, the scorch marks covered most of it, but out of the few pages that were left, there was a quote in there. A quote I still try to live by … even if it wasn’t always right.

It’s by acts, and not ideas that people live.

Markus Roths aka. The Courier

Author's Note:

Yes, that's the same quote from the description. I really like that quote!

Also, do you know how tough it was to find a decent Latin translation for 'till we meet again'? It's pretty tough, considering it isn't a regular latin phrase.

Also good names are hard to create ... I always liked Markus ...

Comments

[Dustchu]

I wonder if he'll return?

Hmm... A NEW NATION IS BORN!
Hehehee.

Good job.
And so sad.