Twilight Sparkle: Grand Galloping Gamer

by Blank Slate

Roll Call

Roll Call

A buoyant story by Blank Slate.
All character rights reserved by their owners. All rights to game concept of Halo copyrighted to Bungie.

Nestled comfortably in her beanbag chair, Twilight read through her friend's reports, having Spike chart down any details he would assume she would find relevant. "Big Macintosh. Player name Thor. Rank eighty-six of top two-hundred. Master with explosives and close-quarters combat, but simply refuses to use cover. He's a good fighter, but a bit of a liability. Next is Shining Armor, player name Aegis. Rank five of two-hundred. He and I play alike, but he's better at dodging attacks. He always forgets he has auxiliary and tertiary spells, though. Good support crew member, but not guard duty. Third, Doctor Whooves. Player name Bluebox. Rank thirty of two hundred. He's the best of anypony with taking down forcefields and throwing auxiliary spells, but almost useless when it comes to stealth. Good assault squad member.

"Continuing, we have Vinyl Scratch, player name Soundwave, rank twenty-eight of two hundred. Perfect assault squad pony, specializes in accurate shots with fast-firing spells. Knows when to use tertiary spells like the Super-Jump Pad or the PA-Mine. Useful anywhere on the field. Next is... Spike, you play Haylo?" The small dragon looked up from the scroll he was taking notes on. "Yeah, why? Everyone plays it. My player name is Inferno, and I don't think I'm ranked." Twilight checked her virtual scoreboard. The name "Inferno" appeared at slot one hundred and forty-four. Of any player, the hefty looking green unicorn in the profile picture had the most kills with fire-based weaponry. Surprised, Spike wrote his own name down on the list, writing beside it, "Suppressing fire specialist."

"Huh. I didn't expect you to be the type of dragon to play video games."
"Well, I need something to do with that TV you bought me."
"THANK YOU! Finally, somepony says it right!"
"What?"
"Umm... nothing. By the way, you're only six years old, right?"
"Yeah, I am."
"How'd you buy a copy of Haylo?"

The dragon smirked, brushing his spines back. "It's all part of my draconic charm." In his head, he went back to the day he first received the wonderful game. It had taken four hours of playing dress-up with Rarity to convince her he could handle the violent game, and he had sworn her to utter secrecy about his method of acquisition.
"Charm. Right. Anyways, you don't seem to be traumatized by explosive bleeding unicorns, so I'll let you keep playing."
"Thanks, Twilight. Now, who's next?"

Twilight consulted Fluttershy's list of gaming ponies. She got to the very last of the six names that had been recommended. "Closing the list off at a clean dozen fighters, we have Princess Luna, player name NightMare Moon. Ranked the second best of the top two hundred. Has been damaged once, by a mistimed auxiliary spell bouncing when it shouldn't have. Never been killed. No specialty, equally skilled with every spell available. She and Pinkie are what our hopes rest on. Hey, Spike, anyone find out who Bubble Beat is?"
"Yeah, that's Soarin', of the Wonderbolts. I wrote him a letter, but he said the Wonderbolts are in heavy training starting tomorrow, so he can't make it to our training and fighting days. I also sent a match request to Split Screen. That guy has a scary voice... Anyhoo, he said he'd be available everyday, starting at noon and going to ten at night. He's also free all day Sunday."

Twilight magically rolled her scroll up, satisfied with the crew she had assembled. "Alright then, we have our team and our time. Starting tomorrow, we'll have our tactics." She then pressed the massive button on the XBUCKS controller, stirring the machine into life. She went through the process of signing in and selecting Haylo from the various menus, shifting in her bean-filled seat. As soon as the choral music began, a chime rang in her ears and a mail notification appeared in the upper right corner of her screen. She moved her cursor onto it and opened it, being greeted by a wall of text of frightening size. She read through it and, in her naturally obsessive way, trimmed it down to its core contents. "Twilight, it's Rainbow. Big Mac is okay with the idea. The Doctor and Scratch are online too, busy training with Rarity and me. No clue where your brother has gone to. Letter sent to Canterlot for Princess Luna. Ill be on later, K?"

She could hardly resist the urge to write a response to Rainbow about the missing apostrophe in the word "I'll," but instead settled for a simple "Okay." She sent the message and promptly received a second. She opened this one again, happy to see the sender had some sense of how to write a letter.

"To Laser Lilac
From Bluebox

Greetings, Lilac. I've heard from Stealth Bomber that we're planning an assault on the infamous Split Screen, correct? My services were requested, and I'd gladly participate. If you wish for me to fight alongside you, magically connect my console with yours, please. Wireless resonance number 013RR76H83. Ms. Vinyl Scratch and I are already connected, so inviting one brings the other along. Eager to hear from you quickly,
Doctor Whooves (Bluebox)"
"Spike, check off Doctor Whooves and Vinyl Scratch. They're definitely with us."
"Bluebox and Soundwave, got it!"

Twilight opened the reply feature on her mailbox and went about the task of writing a response to the Doctor, but was cut off by another mail notification. Groaning, she selected this one, too.

"Twilight? It's Shining Armor. I managed to get Her Highness on our side for the invasion, but she wants that spot as much as your friend does. She obviously won't betray you, but do expect a deathmatch the second one of them kills Split Screen. Needless to say, I'm on board with the idea, but can't play past seven. Princess Luna's demand for her participation was that I join her side of the guard, and seven is when I start work. Apologies,
Shining Armor."

"Spike, that's Shining and Luna down as supportive. Put a note near the Princess' name, small script of course, that says 'Keep away from Pinkie Pie.'" He quickly scrawled the information down on his scroll before looking up to Twilight. "These two have some kind of grudge match?"
"No, the Princess just wants that spot too, and she and Pinkie can't both be number one. So, do you have your own XBUCKS?"
"Yeah."
"How'd you afford it?"
"You know those wages you never pay me? I took them from our profits."
"Hey! You can't just steal from a public building like that!"
"Why not? You haven't paid me in the three years since we got here, so I took what I thought was mine."

Twilight ignored him, focusing her magic on a large wooden statue of a horse's head. The bulky ornament floated over to her, rotating in the air so the mane was pointed across the room from her. She depressed a hidden panel on the bottom, which fell in and produced a large sack of gold coins, which she began to count out. "Two... Four... Six- You took four hundred bits!?"
"Hey, that's definitely less than adequate pay for three years of work, so no complaining. Besides, I'm helping you with Split Screen, right? I can't do that without my XBUCKS."

She thought on this for a second. "Well... we do need help... Aw, fine, you can keep the thing, but you're going to help us!" The small dragon saluted, rolling up the scroll and heading to wherever in the great tree of a library it was that he stored his TV and console. Done with any mail or baby dragons with money problems, she snuggled up more comfortably in her chair and activated multipony, extending her willpower through all of the Ponyville/Canterlot area. Ten XBUCKS consoles lit up in response. Everypony she requested signed in at the same time, to the exclusion of Big Macintosh, who had to wait for his sister to sign in on their single screen. She opened up the Battlefield Design menu and selected her favourite map, allowing everyone else time to get signed in to the Twi-Fi networ-

"Great, Rainbow, now you've got me doing it!" Before she could continue, ten blipping noises interrupted her, quickly follwed by one last one. [Players AGENT RAINBOOM, SOUNDWAVE, AEGIS, STEALTH BOMBER, BALLOONATIC, BLUEBOX, GLORIOUS, NIGHTMARE MOON, BLACKJACK, and INFERNO signed in]
[Player THOR signed in]

Ten voices chimed in her headset, "Hi!" Twilight looked up at the counters on her screen. One dozen skilled players, all in the top two hundred of all Equestria, all under her command. It was organizational euphoria! "Alright, everypony," she began, "I'm Laser Lilac. I'm going to be supreme commander over these training and practice days that we have ahead of us. I have no doubts whatsoever that a lot of you are more skilled than I am in combat, but I'm team leader of the most feared fighting squad known to Haylo. Elemental Forces?"

Five speaker icons lit up on everypony's screen. Five female voices all said "Yes?"
"Each of you find someone to pair up with and work alongside. Against somepony with the aim of Split Screen, we can't afford to leave our rears unguarded. I'll work with Aegis." Her five closest friends each took their time, considering their playing styles and who sounded like the best match.
"Alright. Do you have your combat buddy?"
A light green speaker appeared, and she could hear struggling. "Hold on, I'm still trying to get my claws into this... There we go!"
Now, the twelve icons formed into sets of two, each pair a different colour from the one above. Balloonatic and NightMare Moon's team was purple. Inferno and Glorious got brown, with much protest in a shrill voice. Blackjack and Thor got the red team. She and Aegis were on the white side. Soundwave and Rainboom were both happy with getting blue, leaving Bluebox and Stealth Bomber with the gold team.

"Everypony ready? I've enabled it so only I can modify terrain and spellbooks, so ask me if you need anything. Any deaths or damage incurred here will not affect scores, but neither will kills." The two ponies on the purple team groaned. "Sorry, ladies, but this is the only way to ensure that you're both still able to compete with Split Screen." A navy chat icon appeared on everypony's screen.
"Hold on! It seems to us that regardless of whomever strikes down Split Screen that we would be in first place! Our kill count is still superior to that of Balloonatic."
"Exactly," Lilac opened up her scoreboard, "So once this is all said and done, we'll all leave, and you two and Split Screen will be free to duke it out among yourselves. Eventually, somepony's going to get thwomped, and then we'll have a clear indication of who's the number one Haylo player in Equestria. Now, does this seem fair to everypony?"
"Eeyup."
"Good, then let's get started!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Twelve unicorns of differing sizes appeared in a circle, each standing next to one wearing the same colour. The two white unicorns stepped forward, with the taller one speaking first. "Alright, everypony, here's how we should start: Lilac here is the commander of the field, so she'll be in hover mode above the field. Send her a request if you need spell books, pamphlets, or tertiary scrolls. I myself will be monitoring the situation from the ground. and maybe lobbing a few surprise exercises your way.

"Split Screen is a master of long-range combat, the best I've ever seen. He will not miss. Stay under cover at all times, preferably with your flank to a wall so he can't get behind you. Puppy-guard any location with a Magic Missile, Hyper Beam, and most importantly, a Bird's Eye. That's his signature spellbook. There's two that are guaranteed on this map, one over on the high cliff in the east, one under the purple machines in the south. I expect full pairs guarding these books from both ends. Now, since spellbooks can respawn, a good idea would be to have one pony collect it and keep collecting it, so as to keep it fully charged and to make sure Split Screen doesn't collect it. I'm not sure how he behaves up close, so go nowhere without having your rear watched. We need to make these habits if we're to stand a chance against Split Screen."

A tan speaker appeared on all screens save the Doctor's. "Erm, everypony, I know he seems difficult, but this kind of training just doesn't seem justified. This is a game, not a boot camp."
"And yet, Bluebox, you still want to dethrone him, right?"
"Right, but I'd prefer it to be fun, not a mission. I just don't see the importance of this."
"The importance? We need to train and be the absolute best we can be to even stand a chance against Split Screen!"
"Yes, Aegis, I'm well aware of that. I'm also aware that we're playing a video game. A game. I mean, if this were a game of hopscotch, I don't think we'd be training all that much-"

Twilight decided to break the argument up. "Doctor, Shining, we don't need this kind of arguing! Let's just split into our groups and practice. Rarirty, er, Glorious! Take Inferno with you and grab a pair of Bird's Eye spells. Let's have everypony work on dodging sniping attacks. Rainboom and Soundwave, you attempt to blast them away with your own long-range spells. This is to develop sniping and countersniping routines. Bird's Eyes leave a thin trail of orange light leading to the caster. Follow that trail when you see it. Doubtless, Split Screen will move the second he fires, so look around wherever the beam starts at. Got it?"

Two female voices spoke as one. "Got it!"
"Great. Balloonatic, NightMare, you're our best hope. If anypony should practice dodging Bird's Eyes, it's you two. If you can weave around Glorious and Inferno's attacks, we'll know you can probably get past anything Split Screen throws at you. Everypony ready?" A chorus of "Yes!" met her ears. "Right, now let's do it! Game on!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Spike aimed down the metaphorical barrel of his character's deep brown horn, pointing his equipped spell right on a black eighth-note on a mare's flank. With a single click of the button, her entire forcefield was depleted, and a private chat icon appeared on her screen.
"Soundwave, you have to stay behind cover if you're going for distance!"
"Look, scaly, I always charge in spells blazing. Sniping ain't really my thing."
"That might explain why you're the only player who's been damaged so far."
Vinyl had to admit, Spike had a point. As much as she wished she could charge his and Glorious' position, she had her orders. After ducking behind a rock, she zoomed in on the direction the beam came from. A brown helmet was poking over the tip of a stone barrier, just visible enough to warrant an instant-kill. She fired, and Spike's avatar flopped to the dirt. Spike shut down the private chat in response.

"Wow, you are good! Glory, now!" Glorious' character leapt over the rock, firing a beam of orange light right into Soundwave's faceplate without even bothering to aim. The DJ behind the controller was flabbergasted. "Bu... wh-... How'd you do that?"
"Attention to detail, darling. I saw where you fired from and cast my own spell there. Sniping isn't really that difficult if you know what to look for. Oh, there's Lilac."
"Good work, team! All four of you, NightMare and Balloonatic are in the centre of the field, near the trees. I wanna see a laser-storm out there." Once Spike had respawned, he collected the spellbook (heavily guarded by Laser Horn wielding apple farmers) and went to his nest. Rainboom, Soundwave, and Glorious were all waiting for him.
"Hey, Soundwave, how'd you get here so fast?"
"Lucky respawn. Now, let's shred those two!"

Luna and Pinkie's characters were in tatters. Not one of the dozen beams of light that fell near them had hit their heads, but their forcefields had depleted nearly to nothingness. In Canterlot Castle, Luna wiped her brow with the side of a foreleg. "Balloonatic, it seems to us they are slowing down. Wait, on your left!" Balloonatic jumped straight up, dodging an almost literal bullet that sailed clean under her, smacking into the side of NightMare and completely breaking her forcefield. She turned to the bouncing purple mare, her own horn glowing bright red as a spell charged. "WE DID NOT MEAN GET US ZAPPED!" The Hyper Beam discharged, but Balloonatic dodged this one too, bucking NightMare and giving her her first death. "Pbhhht! That was for trying to kill your own teammate!"

In the real world, lightning swirled around Luna as she did her best to control her anger. Dark clouds flashed, threatening to demolish half of her tower. As soon as she respawned, she picked up a Primal Shout book and went to find Balloonatic. She was stopped in a corridor, a shortcut she made frequent use of, by a pair of bulky red ponies with white blades emanating from their horns.
"State yer business," said Blackjack.
"We are trying to get back to our post, as designated by Laser Lilac."
"Thor, story checks out?"
After a minute in "private" chat, Big Macintosh turned to his sister, seated on the couch with him. "Eeyup."
"We really need another teevee, don't we?"
"Eeyup."
"Alright then, NightMare, you can go through."

The two red soldiers stepped to either side of the corridor, allowing the purple one to walk through past a floating orange tome.
"We believe you two are entirely too engrossed with your roles as guards."
"An' we believe y'all need to head back to school an' learn which pronoun goes where."
Thor's speaker lit up red, but the only sound was his snickering.

After firing another failed spell at the bouncing purple mare, Rainboom gave up. Her character trotted off to the side, hunting for the loaction of a spell she knew well enough. After much searching, a Magic Missile book was located and promptly collected, before being turned on Pinkie's hopping avatar.
"No more quiet and subtle- It's blasting time!"
Massive spheres of olive light made their way toward Balloonatic, who hopped nimbly out of the way of the first seven. The eighth and very last one, however, collided neatly with the rock she stood on, blasting her back a few paces.
"Ooh, good shot, Agent! You almost turned me into a-"
Before she could say whatever it was her character could have resembled, a shaft of orange light from Glorious' horn passed right through her helmet. Instead of the usual grunt of pain and ragdoll flopping, bright confetti burst from the wreckage of Balloonatic's head, with a sm all cheer from what sounded like a party of foals.

"Whoa, Balloonatic, what was that!?"
"Silly Lilac, didn't you play story mode?"
"There's a story mode? Did anypony else know about this?"
Pinkie was surprised by the simultaneous "No" from every other member of their group. "You mean you guys have only played multipony mode? But you miss all the great stuff like the little surprise skulls!"
"Skulls?"
"Yeah, like the things we constantly try to put explosive magic through! There's a whole bunch in the story mode! None of them besides the one I use has any point in multipony mode, and this one doesn't do anything important."
"What does it do, Balloonatic?"
"Anytime somepony gets a headshot on me, I explode with confetti and cheering for everyone!"
Aegis activated his chat. "Will it actually help us?"
"I guess so, but there's a problem. It'll damage things near me, so it can only help if Split Screen blasts me when I'm right next to him. Anypony have a plan to get me close to him?"

Twilight removed her hooves from her controller. "Leave that to me. We've had enough practice for the day, we'll try something new out tomorrow. Everypony, get yourself some rest. I think I know how we can stop Split Screen!" Her horn flared, bringing scrolls of parchment and quills flying as she traced the game map. Sniper nests, spellbook spawn points... this can't fail!

To be continued...

Comments

[Twisted Code]

956098 well, seeing as the classic pac-man split-screen bug turned half the screen into a mass of discord, that would explain the screenname.

[erictheblue]

A tan speaker appeared on all screens save the Doctor's. "Erm, everypony, I know he seems difficult, but this kind of training just doesn't seem justified. This is a game, not a boot camp." "And yet, Bluebox, you still want to dethrone him, right?" "Right, but I'd prefer it to be fun, not a mission. I just don't see the importance of this." "The importance? We need to train and be the absolute best we can be to even stand a chance against Split Screen!" "Yes, Aegis, I'm well aware of that. I'm also aware that we're playing a video game. A game. I mean, if this were a game of hopscotch, I don't think we'd be training all that much-"

this made me think of a story: someone playing EVE-online was so determined to defeat a certain enemy player he actually hired someone to cut the power to that player's home during the battle so he couldn't fight back!
i actually tried the free-trial version of EVE-online, but the "hard-core" aspect of the game was simply too much for me.
[by hard-core, i mean if your ship gets shot down, it is permanently gone, weapons, equipment, ammunition, EVERYTHING lost FOREVER!]

[Clopian26]

Dang it I thought the rank one pony would be spike